Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I think this is the beginning, folks. The beginning of the end. The Big ZA. Yeah, that’s right, the Zombie Apocalypse. Ebola brought here to America. EBOLA. I looked it up a while back because according to Web MD I had it and I was all “FUCK! I’M GONNA DIE ALL NASTY AND BLEEDING OUT OF EVERY ORIFACE AND SHIT.” Turned out I was alright though, I just ate some bad shrimp and had explosive, lava diarrhea. Fuck Web Md. Fuck bad shrimp. Fuck explosive, lava diarrhea. And FUCK EBOLA most of all. So anyways, I was talking to J about Ebola the other day and when I told him I thought it was the start of the apocalypse he was all “Laura, you think cold season is the start of the apocalypse.” Then he laughed his little Nazi laugh. Sonsabitch. He can laugh all he wants. If he makes it through the breakout WHICH HE WON’T because that cheap bastard likes to go through the drive-thru at McDonalds (ugh) for their Dollar Menu bullshit and you just know those nasty, hair-netted little teenagers at the grill are spitting on those dollar burgers- but IF HE DOES make it through the outbreak - he won’t be joining my group. Nope. So laugh your little Nazi laugh now. Come the ZA, you’re on your own. Enjoy your Happy Meal, motherfucker.
While I was standing in the bird food/bird house section of Lowes, trying to decide if I was going to get 25 pounds of song bird seed or 20 pounds of trail seed with dried fruit an employee walked over persistently inquiring if I needed any help. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”
Me: “No. I’m just trying to decide which seed to get, but thank you.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Well, I bet I can help.”
Me: “No, that’s okay. But thanks anyway.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Let me help. What kind of birds are you trying to attract?”
Me: “Well to be honest I really like raptors- hawks, falcons, eagles- but my neighbors complained about me nailing squirrels to boards and setting them about the yard so I suppose I’ll just get this pansy-ass song bird stuff.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: -
Now here’s a picture of a Bald Eagle that I took at The Center for Birds of Prey. He posed for me because I was swinging a squirrel by it’s tail for him. I kid, I kid. I was swinging it from a rope attached to it’s neck.
P.S. At no time have I ever, nor will I ever, nail a squirrel to a board, or swing it by it’s tail, or from a rope around it’s neck, so don’t call PETA or some secret Squirrel Society to come egg my house or chew my wires or some crazy secret Squirrel Society shit.
Whenever I’m sad or unhappy, instead of getting loud and angry and violent, I like to express my feelings in poetry. SHUT. UP. IT’S TRUE. Anyway, I thought I’d keep this short and write a Haiku poem to express myself. To be perfectly honest I’m not very familiar with Haiku (or even the English language or sentence structure, for that matter- words are hard, yo!) so I had to look up the rules. They are as follows:
- Only three lines, totaling 17 syllables throughout
- The first line must be only 5 syllables
- The second line must be comprised of 7 syllables
- The third line must be 5 syllables like the first
- Punctuation and capitalization rules are up to the poet, and need not follow rigid rules used in structuring sentences
- Haiku does not have to rhyme, in fact many times it does not rhyme at all
- Some haiku can include the repetition of words or sounds
So here we go. I titled this poem “Betrayal.”
Betrayal
A Haiku by Laura Ledford
George Clooney’s engaged
I am fucking enraged now
Refrigerator
Now here’s a picture of some baby Capybaras. Just look at those adorable little horse-rat bastards. LOOK AT THEM!
A while back, while watching the news at J’s mom’s house, a report on a house fire that tragically claimed something like six or seven children’s lives came on and after it was over J’s mom laid that gem out there. I thought it was genius. I’m thinking about embroidering it on a pillow.
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