I have a fantastic runner’s treadmill that I had recieved for Christmas that sits in the middle of my living room. Well, it’s not actually in the middle, but to the side. I had it placed there so that it would be used. Not placed in the bedroom or a spare room where I am certain it would just be used for a giant clothes hanger or storage platform. It’s right where when I plant my ass on the couch it screams at me, " Get up! Get up you lazy wench and use me!" It won’t shut up until I get up and use it. And, yes, I curse back at it a lot.

It’s turned summer here in South Carolina, and even though you run your air conditioner in your home, you still feel the mugginess in the air. I decided that I needed a fan blasting on me while using the bossy treadmill. A clip-on wouldn’t do. The ceiling fan wasn’t enough. I needed something powerful. So I got a standing fan that tilts up directly on me. It’s exercise nirvana. This fan also is remote controlled, because pushing a button manually would be too intensive of a workout. And I don’t want to bulk up with too much muscle.

Yesterday was gloomy and rainy. I wanted to go take some interesting pictures for this blog, but instead went shopping. So here’s a pic of the adorable flip flops/slippers I got  to wear around the house. These said "Hey, look girly while you avoid stepping barefooted on any squishy hacked up hairballs on the floor." Yes, everything talks to me.                                              

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Wonky eyed Paris Hilton is going to jail. For some reason this makes me happy. I think because I feel that the rich and worthless never get theirs. If that had been me getting pulled over on a suspended license and violating my probation I would now be typing from the prison library. That is, after Big Bertha was finished making me her bitch.

This judge is now my hero. He’s number one in my book, replacing the guy that invented gin and tonics.

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There’s an old insane asylum downtown that will soon be demolished and expensive condos built in its place. The proper name of the facility was the South Carolina Mental Hospital. It’s over 175 years old. All the crazies had been moved out of it a long time ago ,and it had been sitting abondoned for years. I drive past it all the time and it’s an absolutely beautiful collection of old stone/granite buildings with these huge oak trees covering a massive yard with a huge tall cast iron fence around it. It’s also very spooky looking. I heard the other day on the local radio station that there’s over 170 acres and that before they knock it down they are going to do tours through it! This got me giddy.

Years ago they also closed one of the oldest prisons downtown (for condos of course) and offered tours months after the prisoners were relocated to a new prison outside of town. A few friends and I decided this would be a lovely way to spend a Saturday. We stood in line for almost two hours, and paid our ten dollars. They took people in groups with the prison guards leading the tours.

It was by far the most entertaining thing I had ever done in Columbia, S.C. The guard led us through the processing area also known as the strip down area, dining area, chapel, the wee little cells where they actually let us go inside and get locked up! We toured death row where the infamous serial killer Pee Wee Gaskins sat for years, until he was hired by a man on the outside to kill a fellow death row roomie that had killed this man’s mother. The officials finally decided Pee Wee needed to go for sure, so a short while later they fried his ass. They pointed out Pee Wee’s death row cell- which basically was like a cage in the middle of a room and the guy’s cell he killed by giving him a radio with explosives. Yes, the man made an exploding radio on death row!

We had one humorless male prison guard leading our group of about twenty people through the different areas telling us stories and such. At one point while walking through a hallway as another group was leaving, I guess we all got loud and giggly knowing we were walking ‘ the green mile’. The guard turned around snapping sharply ” Stay to the right and keep it down!” Everyone sort of looked at each other like “What the hell?” And being the smartass that I am, I loudly said ” Well! If I knew we were going to be treated like this I would have paid extra!” Everyone laughed, and the guard gave me a nasty look. Dirty screw. I’m sure he pictured in his mind beating my ass to a pulp with a blackjack and shoving me in solitary. I smiled at him sweetly and told him he had a purdy mouth.

The tour ended with the warden standing in the execution room beside the electric chair telling us how many executions had taken place there. I got to sit in the chair. It was awesome.

I’m really hoping they offer overnight stays in the asylum. How cool would that be? I would so be there with my sleeping bag, cruxifix, and holy water.

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Today was a very annoying day. One of those days where you feel you’re nothing more than a walking raw nerve, and everything, and everyone was nothing more than an irritant. Here’s a list of some of my annoyances today. Mind you, this is just a small list of the actual asinine things that bugged the shit out of me today. I shortened it because I didn’t want you to think I was being a batshit crazy ranting psycho too dramatic.

1. Having to press 1 for English.

2. Having cars with religious bumper stickers cut me off in traffic. I really don’t think that’s what Jesus would do.

3. Those stupid silicone capsules in Excedrin bottles that block the pills from coming out.

4. People in offices that bitch about how cold it is if they even FEEL the air conditioner on. Folks, it’s 90 degrees outside. Put on a sweater and shut up.

5. That’s it’s 90 degrees outside.

6. Working in an office full of women. Why can’t they all be gay men? Gay men are fabulous, and I picture myself actually wanting to go out for drinks after work with them and drinking fancy cocktails with wee little umbrellas in them. 

7. That my pets don’t do housework. Damn freeloaders.

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