This is a work in progress. Eventually it will be “99 Things About Me.” I will add more things as they come to me, or as they happen to me. It’s harder to do than it appears; to come up with an “about me” page without coming across as a complete egotistical douchebag. Sure, I can tell you how fantastic I am, but that’s doing all the work for you.

1. My name is Laura Ledford and I was born in the Year of the Dog.
2. I am a survivor of Catholic school. No thanks to the nuns.
3. After surviving Catholic school in Cincinnati, Ohio, I moved to a large farm in Kentucky and attended public school. What a culture shock. Now I live in South Carolina. I want back on that Kentucky farm.
4. I have helped “pull” calves more times than I like to remember.
5. I was raised with three older brothers, so I know how to fight dirty.
6. I once dug a hole, placed sticks as spears in the bottom, and covered up the top with a tarp and grass (something I had seen on Tarzan) and tried to get a brother to walk on it. I was just a little kid so the hole was only like 6 inches deep.
7. I was once in the Army. You don’t have to thank me for serving, but you can thank me for not re-enlisting.
8. My drill sergeant in basic training once placed a bet with the other three drill sergeants in the company that I could out-shoot their best guys. My drill sergeant won. As a reward, my drill sergeant let me fire the LAW twice as much in training as the others. I loved firing the LAW.
9. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
10. I majored in art. I consider myself rather artsy/creative.
11. I have worked since I was a kid, not counting the farm. I once had a summer job at a major zoo and got to bottle-feed white tiger cubs.
12. I like animals a lot better than I do most people.
13. I’m straight. I have never been married and it wouldn’t bother me one bit if I never do.
14. I have never been to a wedding. Not one. I tell my friends that marry that I will get them a killer gift if I don’t have to attend. They all go for the killer gift.
15. I never wanted kids. Never. When people ask me why, I like to tell them it’s because I’m selfish and self-absorbed. Honestly, I just never liked kids. I’m self-absorbed and selfish too.
16. My second toe is longer than my big toe on both my feet.
17. I have never changed a diaper. And never will, that is, unless I’m like forced to wear the adult ones one day.
18. I think marijuana should be legal. I think it’s insane that it isn’t. I don’t smoke marijuana.
19. I once died during emergency surgery. I was REALLY PISSED when I woke up and realized I had lived. I’m over it though.
20. I sing to my pets and we have dance-offs.
21. I once flew a real flight simulator at a major airline headquarters. Pre-9/11 of course. I crashed at all attempts of take-offs and landings. I also got air sick.
22. My favorite flower in the whole wide world is the Gerbera Daisy.
23. I was once caught in a whiteout while on a snowmobile in Yellowstone National Park (this was of course before they made snowmobiles illegal in the park.) I had to be rescued by park rangers. It was awesome.
24. I have never had a dental cavity and have never worn braces. My dentist is in love with my teeth. He tells me this every six months.
25. I could easily become an assassin or an executioner as long as I knew they deserved it.
26. I once owned a Bombardier Sea Doo Jet Ski and rode it every weekend for two summers straight. I cannot swim. I trusted my life vest THAT MUCH.
27. I used to be incredibly stupid fearless.
28. I once took a military hop to Australia with about twenty dollars in my pocket. Again, see above. I had a BLAST. Fortunately, I was able to catch another military hop back and not be listed as AWOL.
29. When I was a kid I wanted to dye my red hair brown sooo badly. Now I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.
30. I have never had a traffic ticket.
31. I once flew to a job interview to become a flight attendant, but got lost in the airport and missed the interview. It was a blessing. Could you even begin to imagine me as a flight attendant and putting up with asshole passengers?
32. I love dinosaurs and all things related to dinosaurs. Except Barney.
33. I like to talk in funny voices and accents for no reason at all. I can do the “Sling Blade” Billy Bob Thornton voice really, really well for a girl. It hurts my throat though if I do it for any length of time.
34. I collect Amy Brown Diva Fairies. That’s the closest to “cutesie” as I get.
35. I once bottle fed a litter of possums after my dog killed their mother. Once they were weaned and started hissing and snarling at me, I set the ungrateful bastards free.
36. I love to cuss. I probably cuss more on my blog than I do in real life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to dammit.
37. I can ice skate but I can’t roller-skate.
38. My father died when I was a baby and my mother never remarried. She was the strongest woman I have ever known.
39. One of my favorite things is taking road trips and singing loudly and badly to the radio all the way.
40. My favorite dog breed is a mutt. Actually, it’s any terrier breed crossed with anything else. My stone cold heart melts when I see a widdle terrier puppy.
41. I don’t drink anything hot. I don’t like coffee or tea, hot or iced.
42. If I won the lottery I would own a home in California and New York, dividing my time between the two.
43. I used to travel a lot. I miss that a lot.
44. I think that if you can listen to the Carpenters’ song ”Superstar” and not remember a lost love then you’re a fucking robot send back from the future to kill mankind or at least some punk kid’s mom.
45. If I had to choose, I’d rather be a zombie than a vampire, because vampires are snobs with lame accents, whereas zombies are more straightforward and direct about their needs and just grunt.
46. I don’t have a favorite color.
47. I don’t like jewelry. I rarely wear any.
48. I like all kinds of music. I don’t care that some of it is considered uncool. I like what I like. I’ll admit I like a lot of crap music.
49. I think life is too hard to take blogging serious. I don’t debate or argue on the internets because I always see that picture of the retarded kid running a race in my head with the caption “..even if you win you’re still retarded.” And I think it’s pretty much true.
50. I love joking about VD and rabies and leprosy. People probably think I wouldn’t find it funny if I had any of these, but I probably would.
51. When I was a kid I used to think one of my brothers was adopted and I often encouraged him to run away.
52. I am not political, but I am very patriotic. I will defend my country at all cost.

 

To be continued……..

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