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The five six stages of loss and grief that I went through yesterday in front of my computer told by my thoughts and gifs that I think won’t show on any Safari browser and I’m not going to fix it because I’m still working on Stage 6 so get your ass to a PC if you want to see them. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

1. Denial.

I was all “No way. This is just some National Enquirer bullshit.”

2. Anger.

Then I was all “THAT MOTHERFUCKIN’ LIAR! HE SAID HE’D NEVER MARRY!”

3. Bargaining.

Then I was all “If only he would had met me first!” and I asked God to turn back time like in that Superman movie where he flew backwards around the Earth, except this would be God and he wouldn’t have to fly because, duh, he’s God.

4. Depression.

Then I was all “God doesn’t care. No one cares. Superman wouldn’t even care.”

5. Acceptance.

Then I was all “Oh well, that’s that. He’s married.”

6. Revenge.

 

P.S.  J just called me and was all “Laura, there’s only five stages of loss and grief and revenge isn’t one of them.” And I was all “Shut your whore mouth, it’s MY stages and that’s one of them!” Then he laughed a nervous Nazi laugh.

69 Comments
 

69 Responses to The five six stages of loss and grief that I went through yesterday in front of my computer told by my thoughts and gifs that I think won’t show on any Safari browser and I’m not going to fix it because I’m still working on Stage 6 so get your ass to a PC if you want to see them.

  1. Sure as the sun rises, and the oceans swell, and just like Winter, I knew this post was coming.

  2. Buttercup says:

    There are seven stages of grief. Stage 7 is Alibi.

    You’re gonna need one. Make sure you pay a visit to that stage…

  3. Nicki says:

    I shall send you Haagen Dasz when I get back from TDY. And a shiv. Because I care.

  4. I know how long you waited for his proposal to lead to marriage. But now he’s HER problem, and she’s definitely going to be HIS problem. Sometimes the best revenge is letter the other woman have him. And, revenge SHOULD be listed as part of the grieving part. I know several people I grieved over losing, and now only contemplate seeing them on Youtube and the 11:00 news.

  5. Crap: Sometimes the best revenge is letter the other woman have him.

    I meant LETTING the other woman have him. Damn auto-correct.

    • Laura says:

      I am letting your typo go since you corrected it…though on my blog- anything goes! And yes, I bet she’ll be all “OMG why did I marry this asshole!” At least, I like to think it.

  6. mindy says:

    I thought of you all weekend, wondering: What the fuck is Laura thinking/feeling/doing right now?

    You didn’t disappoint me.

  7. Jess says:

    The worst thing is some Pollyanna will say something stupid like “He’s not the only fish in the sea”….I think it’s the law to drown someone that says that in the nearest toilet…if not, it should be.

  8. Rosie says:

    I thought your revenge was just being to cool for him, anyway! He just can’t measure up!

  9. Ydnar_Man says:

    The Onion was there:
    Here are the highlights of the event:

    Last minute double-booking at the Peabody, MA Doubletree forced couple to scramble and find backup venue in Venice, Italy

    3.2 million displaced Darfur refugees sat on the groom’s side

    Your annual salary’s worth of candles

    Guests hog-tied for entirety of ceremony to prevent unauthorized photos from being taken

    Three Kings-themed cake topper

    Lot of cocky fucking smiles

    Each guest received a copy of Clooney’s room key

    Make-your-own-nachos bar

    60 gift-bag copies of The Men Who Stare At Goats discreetly discarded

    Fiesta three-piece baking bowl set still available on couple’s Macy’s registry

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/highlights-of-george-clooneys-wedding,37051/

  10. Alison says:

    Stage 8: Consolation of grief-stricken widower in the arms of his dead wife’s assassin.

  11. LusherLaRue says:

    The last stage of grief is . . . lying in wait – to be the woman George rebounds to when his first wife steps out on him with a younger man. You will yet have your chance, Laura. An older, but wiser, George for you!

  12. glen says:

    Revenge spelled backwards is “egnever”…Damn that’s probably important!!

  13. Jena says:

    Im on big doses of Ambien… i shouldnt b typing,ut this was a funny post. yes im drunk commiting

  14. scr_north says:

    Hey, don’t worry. She’s a human rights lawyer so you know she’s a shallow bitch and that George will figure that out when she brings home the second or third homeless orphan. Then he’ll walk out on her and drown his sorrows and regrets by making another movie that will break records for losing the greatest amount of money in the shortest time. That’s when you’ll be able to stow the Hagen-Das and Bourbon and move in to comfort him. Be Strong, you’ll capture his heart in the end.

  15. Janie Jones says:

    You know, a good plastic surgeon could re-sculpt J to look like Clooney. If you keep him half drugged so he can’t spew his Nazi talk you just might be able to convince yourself that all is right in the world and you got your George.

  16. Tina says:

    He’s a liar! You deserve much better, girl. Move on, he’s probably a Democrat anyway…

  17. SB Smith says:

    Oh, I think Alison nailed it….

    How has George not yet discovered that she’s just a clever drag queen…Is she drugging him ?…
    Someone has to stop her !
    Laura to the rescue !

    :-D

  18. SB Smith says:

    Sorry off topic, sort of…but when Russell Crowe was first involved with Meg Ryan back in 2000, seemed like over a hundred of us at this Russell Crowe fans message board all got on this big barge of Denial…I mean it was On the Nile – yeah, that was it…We refused to believe Russell was involved with Megzilla, Mophead (did she Own a brush ?)….we were Awful….but that barge of Denial was a lot of fun !..A luxury barge where we each picked favorite male celebrities (alive or dead) to wait on us hand & foot on this barge…It was quite decadent and we needed cheering up !…
    FYI: We all liked the Australian woman he Did marry April 7, 2003 (Russ’ birthday is also April 7th) – He and Danielle have known each other since the early 90′s, but sadly they have split as of last year…They have two adorable sons..I hope they get back together eventually.
    Well, maybe I’ve diverted your attention just a tiny bit ?
    :-D

  19. SB Smith says:

    Damnit…it was the Barge of De Nile.
    :-D

    Brain fart.

  20. Mark12A says:

    Revenge is a dish best served cold. But that’s the leftover revenge, after you’ve gone on an axe-swinging jalapeno hot revenge orgy. Besides, revenge on assholes prevents ulcers. That’s a medical fact.

  21. Tink says:

    Good Lawd.. do you think there will be children? Oh Lawd….

  22. glen says:

    Hey, george is probably just marrying her to keep his infatuation with you out of the public exposure. You know he don’t really love that gal just because of her fantastic looks, her intelligence, her money, …face it, girl, you’re doomed!

  23. Mark12A says:

    Hey, get out of your funk and start blogging again. We miss you. If it’ll help I’ll put Clooney in a car trunk and dump him by your pool. Of course, I’ll have to fold him up a few times to make him fit since I have a small trunk…

  24. Sad says:

    The tabloids said he has already had an affair, I figured you must have found him and tied him down!

  25. richelle says:

    Girl… When I saw he got married…I was like Dam..I can get get Iris (the girl with down syndrome) to beat her but up.. Richelle… Miss you…:-)

  26. John Flora says:

    The bitch is a Muslim. Maybe she plans to behead him in his sleep.

  27. Ogrrre says:

    You must be REALLY depressed over this. It’s been over a month with no new posts. I figured you’d perk up with the ass whoopin’ Obola and the commucrats got on the 4th. Hell, I was laughing my ass off without doing any drinking.

  28. Elphaba says:

    Okay, girl, enough moping! It is time to drag yourself up out of your George, gin and circus peanut induced funk and take your Attention Whore/Queen of Everything duties seriously again. This blog is starting to collect dust, and your stalkers fans miss you!

  29. John Flora says:

    You’re too good for his stupid Leftist ass. He married a freaking Muslim, for Chrissakes.
    She’ll probably hack his head off in the middle of the night.

  30. kim says:

    Hey lady do you live? Thought of ya, dog fetch fails https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltS0G7KA7XQ

  31. Laura- I’ve been away for a while and am sad to see that you may have put your writing career on hold. I truly hope that is not the case and that you are channeling your creative talents in some other productive way – a book or a script, perhaps? I had thought by now that some savvy producer or editor would have swept you up. Perhaps they have. Comedy is a highly competitive genre. Many have tried and failed. But they don’t have your talent nor do they have your dedication to craft “the perfect bit”. With persistence, a bit of luck and fortuitous timing, you will catch the right person’s attention and make your mark. You have shown some pretty great things on this blog. Those of us who were lucky enough to find you have had our lives significantly enriched by your work product. Please, hang in there. I sincerely hope that good fortune comes your way and that your dreams do come true. hg/rocky

  32. Jess says:

    Five months without a flying monkey fix. I’m about to reach the self-mutilating point, or not.

  33. Tink says:

    I really really miss u poop head.

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