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When you’ve completely given up on looking normal. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

"Wow, that's a nice lookin' pair of Crocs," said no one ever.

That’s right, I bought those ugly motherfuckers up there. What of it? Yeah, I know they were the “in” shoe like twelve years ago and even then they were ridiculed. Hell, I was one of the ridiculers. But let me tell you something, my left knee has had rabies for over a year now and three fourths of my house has concrete floors, not counting the courtyard and pool area, and it’s been killing my knee and I’ve been hobbling around for months. I tried all kinds of anti-inflammatory meds, and braces, and voodoo and nothing helped so I decided I had to change my footwear. I needed something lightweight and washable and these ugly motherfuckers fit that bill. So it just goes to show that you shouldn’t make fun of someone’s shoes because one day the shoe will be on the other foot, or walk a mile in their shoes, or a shoe in the hand is worth two in a bush, or some shit like that. I don’t know, I’m not a proverb scientist. All I know is that my new clown shoes feel divine and my knee rabies is in remission. So point and laugh all you want because now I can chase you down and stab you. Because sticks and stones might break your bones but knives require less energy. There. Nailed it.

47 Comments
 

47 Responses to When you’ve completely given up on looking normal.

  1. Jess says:

    I feel a little out of touch with modern society, since I’ve been wearing Crocs I stole from my nephew for years. Stole them? Yep; and told him he couldn’t have them back, when he made a smartass comment: “Those look just like my Crocs.” What’s he gonna do? Call the police? Whip my ass?

    Why did I steal them? He left them by the door of my mother’s house for months; muddy and taking up space. I washed them in Clorox water and had a new pair of shoes.

    I don’t find Crocs ugly. People are ugly and so is the neighbor’s one eared cat.

  2. Cheri says:

    You’re right about shoes helping your knees.
    After a while these made my knees hurt too.

  3. patti says:

    i need something for my foot rabies – really i do

  4. glen says:

    How do you get them to stay on your knees? Mine keep falling off!

  5. Ask not for whom the knee swells; it swells for thee.

    And me.

  6. Suzanne says:

    And the blood washes off the crocs ever so easily…..

  7. Jean says:

    I had a pair when I was in Iraq because they 1) Weren’t combat boots and 2)after 14 hours in aforementioned combat boots, my piggies needed to breath. Now, I have turned my back on them and make fun of them (because they are really ugly)….. I only feel a little bit of shame

  8. Tina says:

    LOL! The Husband has a camo clolored pair he loves to wear around the house. The Mother-in-law fell in love with them and so he just bought her a pair. When he brought them home he was showing them to me and then stopped and looked all humble and said “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t even think about getting you a pair…I can go tomorrow and get you a pair.” I was all like “NO, HELL NO! I’m good, really, I’m good.”

    Both of them now run around our house/yard in camo crocs…

    • Laura says:

      Oh I swore I’d never wear a pair of the ugly motherfuckers…but now all I can say is AHHHHHHH when I slip ‘em on. Seriously, try them.

  9. Rosie says:

    I tried those, but the plastic made my feet sweat. (Not sweet!)

    • Laura says:

      The holes in them allow air to flow through, and my feet aren’t too sweat prone- unlike the rest of me. But yeah, I have some garden Slogger shoes and I can’t have them one for 5 minutes without my feet swimming.

  10. But what do you do about those horrendous “points of torture” that are in the bottom of Crocs? I know. Wear argyle socks. Who’ll notice.

  11. Alison says:

    I’m so disappointed in you. I bought $10 knock-offs at the drug store years ago, and have been happily gardening in crocs ever since. I never wear them in public…except that I came really, really close to wearing them to work once. I was almost out of the neighborhood before I realized I hadn’t changed my shoes!

  12. Jan says:

    I too have to wear special shoes to combat knee rabies. I have not yet sunk to crocs depth however…

  13. Kim says:

    I had a knockoff pair awhile back. They were soooo comfy. Thx. I’ma gonna get me some real ones. Hope the rabies knows what whupped it.

    • Laura says:

      Crocs sells their older versions or ones they are discontinuing on Ebay- I ordered a regular pair there. (This one is called RX Ultimate Cloud- but I am a believer now in all their comfort.)

  14. LusherLaRue says:

    Welcome to the Croc Club. Been wearing them for years. I will take comfort over fashion any day of the week and twice on Sundays. I have two knees with rabies and am trying to nurse them along until next year when I will replace both of the no good, mother-f’ers. Crocs rule, fashion . . . hurts.

    • Laura says:

      OMG I hope my knee never gets any worse. I have seriously been out trekking and been like “OH SHIT It hurts so bad, how will I ever make it back home?” My heart goes out to you with two bad knees. Crocs fuckin’ rock! I am about to breakdown and start wearing them in public soon! lol

  15. Brenda says:

    Try rubbing arnica on that knee of yours with rabies. It’s some magic shit. Like Ben-Gay but homeopathic and without the stink. Works crazy ass good.

  16. SB Smith says:

    I just noticed my email there was missing a letter but it’s fixed now…

    Those crocs look like they’d serve double duty as rubber mallets…Now I’ll have to go look at some…

  17. The Queen says:

    Some things are more important than other things. As long as no baby goats were harmed in the production of said footwear. And as long as you take them off when you meet George. All will be well in your world.

  18. I had knee rabies once, but I just lopped that fucker off with a rusty hacksaw and screwed in a peg leg I carved from a hobbit spine.
    Like you said, knives are faster.

  19. Tink says:

    Oh Hell, these are the best I have a pink pair and a yellow paid and a blue pair for my yard work., they are friggin awesooooome. I could not live with out these shoes. I only wish I had invented them cuz then I would be rich and have so much more time for yard work. welcome to the world of comfort….

  20. Peace says:

    it’s like walking on marshmallows…. only problem is if someone laughs at you and you throw your shoe at them…. it wont hurt….Love my Crocs!

  21. Kansas says:

    Do not listen to Cheri. I have worn these ugly fuckers for years because of my hip and knees…. I even bought a black paid for work. I love them and I don’t care how ugly they are. they make me feel good. and Im all that matters.

  22. glen says:

    They would have sold a lot more of them in Louisiana if they had called them,”Gators”

  23. Todd Wilhelm says:

    Sure the Crocs are butt-ugly, but you can accessorize those bad boys to the point that you would not be ashamed to be seen wearing them on Hollywood’s Red Carpet with George Clooney in tow! https://www.flickr.com/photos/44796626@N00/1074296534

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