On New Year’s Day, J and I went to his mother’s for a traditional Southern New Year’s meal. She served Hoppin’ John, collards, black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fatback. Cooked just right ‘fatback’ taste just like jowl bacon- one of the most delicious meats in the entire world, perhaps even the entire universe. And by cooked right, I mean crispy- and this was.
After the meal, J’s mom and brother had stepped away from the table, leaving J and I sitting there. I hurriedly grabbed another piece of ‘fatback’ and when I was certain no one else could see me, I turned to J and started eating the bacon with my mouth open, staring directly at him. He made a disgusted face and whispered “Close your mouth” between clenched teeth. In response I took another bite of the strip, and again, started chewing with my mouth open, except this time taking one of my hands and pretending to push the aroma up to my nose.
J: “What in the hell are you doing?”
Me: ”Hmmm, thirteen month old male Hampshire, neutered. *chew, chew, sniff* Raised in Nebraska.” *chew,chew, sniff* Free-range. *chew,chew, sniff* Was named Artimus, but his friends called Artie.” *swallow*
J: “God you’re so weird.”
Me: “No, I’m a bacon connoisseur, motherfucker. Don’t be jealous of my refined, sophisticated palate.”36 Comments
Links to Enjoy
- Andrew Knapp Photos.
- Pot Noodles.
- The Hyena Handlers of Nigeria.
- Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.
- Wake Up!
- Hitler's Home Movies.
- Subway Surfer.
- MC Mom.
- Is Your Girlfriend a Horse?
- Now I want to go to Iceland.
- Karaoke Hitler.
- Wake up! They see us!
- How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.
- A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.
- Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.
- Birds in Watercolor.
- When Taunting Goes Wrong.
- Google Sheep View.
- 3 year old girl explain the complexities of childbirth in 4 seconds.
Oh thank God. I was having withdrawals.
Now I’m having cravings.
I gotta get back in the swing of things….blogging and bacon eating!
J, being a bacon nazi, just doesn’t understand your “skilz.” Fact.
I know, right!?!
Oh man, a bacon tasting! I can see it now, flights of varied types of pan-fried crispiness. This should be a Thing.
Oooo It really should!
I would have stolen some fatback and eaten it later! LOL!
I thought about it!
I damn near farted, to keep from laughing….I’m supposed to be working and I doubt my boss would appreciate the humor.
I bet he/she wouldn’t appreciate the farting either.
Jealousy is just an ugly thing. Fact.
For reals, girl.
J just doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life like bacon.
BUT he does appreciate me (most times) so there’s that.
You are a connoisseur, not a taste tester. Otherwise, you’d have to spit it out. I don’t think I could do that.
OH MY GOD! Only Satan would spit out bacon!
The nit picker in me is twitching. . . .it’s Hoppin’ John.
It’s nitpicker! Geeze. HA! And I rarely, if ever, do this but I will correct it to stop your twitching. Always remember my grammar and typos and misspellings are part of my
That there was a true Southern meal!
It certainly was.
never had that. and J let you close to civilized people? wtf?!! he must like to live dangerously..
He does. He dates me doesn’t he?
Next you have to try the western delicacy called “spotted dick”. Doesn’t have bacon, though.
I’ve seen the cans of that stuff in weird stores!
Okay… the Wrigley at the movies link mildly disturbs me – dude picks entirely too many romantic moments to recreate with that dog…
At least he seems faithful.
I just tagged you in a picture from back in ’09 when my sister got married. This little place called Tony’s specialized in copious amounts of bacon on what ever your ordered. No one could finish their meal there was so much bacon goodness.
I’m from the Chicago area, so I don’t know what Hoppin’ John is. Is it an egg dish?
Rice and black-eyed peas and fatback. It’s kinda bland.
I would much rather have some over-easy eggs, with salt, pepper and paprika, on top of toasted rye, without seeds. — My specialty.
I LOVE rye bread, with seeds though. Toasted and buttered mmmmm. Still food a ballerina wouldn’t eat.
Oh how I wish to sit at the same table with you and J on holidays at his mom’s.. what a hoot.I can picture that entire scene you know……yes I can . Too fucking funny.
IF you can survive the 98 degrees the house seems to stay at!
Next time go in a bathing suit
HA! A bikini! That’ll get that thermostat turned back!