Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

Mmmmm bacon.

By Laura On January 3, 2014 · 36 Comments

On New Year’s Day, J and I went to his mother’s for a traditional Southern New Year’s meal. She served Hoppin’ John, collards, black-eyed peas, cornbread, and fatback. Cooked just right ‘fatback’ taste just like jowl bacon- one of the most delicious meats in the entire world, perhaps even the entire universe. And by cooked right, I mean crispy- and this was.

After the meal, J’s mom and brother had stepped away from the table, leaving J and I sitting there. I hurriedly grabbed another piece of ‘fatback’ and when I was certain no one else could see me, I turned to J and started eating the bacon with my mouth open, staring directly at him. He made a disgusted face and whispered “Close your mouth” between clenched teeth. In response I took another bite of the strip, and again, started chewing with my mouth open, except this time taking one of my hands and pretending to push the aroma up to my nose.

J: “What in the hell are you doing?”

Me: ”Hmmm, thirteen month old male Hampshire, neutered. *chew, chew, sniff* Raised in Nebraska.” *chew,chew, sniff* Free-range. *chew,chew, sniff* Was named Artimus, but his friends called Artie.” *swallow*

J: “God you’re so weird.”

Me: “No, I’m a bacon connoisseur, motherfucker. Don’t be jealous of my refined, sophisticated palate.”

36 Comments

36 Responses to Mmmmm bacon.

LC Aggie Sith says:

January 3, 2014 at 12:19 pm

Oh thank God. I was having withdrawals.

Now I’m having cravings.

Shit.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 3, 2014 at 1:06 pm
  
  I gotta get back in the swing of things….blogging and bacon eating!
  
  Reply
Liz says:

January 3, 2014 at 12:55 pm

J, being a bacon nazi, just doesn’t understand your “skilz.” Fact.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 3, 2014 at 1:06 pm
  
  I know, right!?!
  
  Reply
Alison says:

January 3, 2014 at 1:28 pm

Oh man, a bacon tasting! I can see it now, flights of varied types of pan-fried crispiness. This should be a Thing.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 3, 2014 at 1:32 pm
  
  Oooo It really should!
  
  Reply
Jennifer says:

January 3, 2014 at 2:57 pm

I would have stolen some fatback and eaten it later! LOL!

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- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 8:01 am
  
  I thought about it!
  
  Reply
Jess says:

January 3, 2014 at 3:48 pm

I damn near farted, to keep from laughing….I’m supposed to be working and I doubt my boss would appreciate the humor.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 7:53 am
  
  I bet he/she wouldn’t appreciate the farting either.
  
  Reply
Nicole says:

January 3, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Jealousy is just an ugly thing. Fact.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 7:53 am
  
  For reals, girl.
  
  Reply
Sara says:

January 3, 2014 at 6:55 pm

J just doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life like bacon.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 8:00 am
  
  BUT he does appreciate me (most times) so there’s that.
  
  Reply
Jeffro says:

January 3, 2014 at 7:14 pm

You are a connoisseur, not a taste tester. Otherwise, you’d have to spit it out. I don’t think I could do that.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 7:52 am
  
  OH MY GOD! Only Satan would spit out bacon!
  
  Reply
Sophia says:

January 3, 2014 at 7:58 pm

The nit picker in me is twitching. . . .it’s Hoppin’ John.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 7:49 am
  
  It’s nitpicker! Geeze. HA! And I rarely, if ever, do this but I will correct it to stop your twitching. Always remember my grammar and typos and misspellings are part of my ~~drinking~~ charm.
  
  Reply
Jack Black says:

January 4, 2014 at 5:28 am

That there was a true Southern meal!

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 8:02 am
  
  It certainly was.
  
  Reply
Jena says:

January 4, 2014 at 1:01 pm

never had that. and J let you close to civilized people? wtf?!! he must like to live dangerously..

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 1:24 pm
  
  He does. He dates me doesn’t he?
  
  Reply
Mark12A says:

January 4, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Next you have to try the western delicacy called “spotted dick”. Doesn’t have bacon, though.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 4, 2014 at 3:18 pm
  
  I’ve seen the cans of that stuff in weird stores!
  
  Reply
Nicole says:

January 4, 2014 at 7:03 pm

Okay… the Wrigley at the movies link mildly disturbs me – dude picks entirely too many romantic moments to recreate with that dog…

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 5, 2014 at 8:24 am
  
  At least he seems faithful.
  
  Reply
Maeve says:

January 4, 2014 at 9:49 pm

I just tagged you in a picture from back in ’09 when my sister got married. This little place called Tony’s specialized in copious amounts of bacon on what ever your ordered. No one could finish their meal there was so much bacon goodness.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 5, 2014 at 8:24 am
  
  Mmmmm bacon…
  
  Reply
Rosie says:

January 6, 2014 at 2:27 pm

I’m from the Chicago area, so I don’t know what Hoppin’ John is. Is it an egg dish?

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 6, 2014 at 4:09 pm
  
  Rice and black-eyed peas and fatback. It’s kinda bland.
  
  Reply
  - Rosie says:
    
    January 7, 2014 at 10:07 am
    
    I would much rather have some over-easy eggs, with salt, pepper and paprika, on top of toasted rye, without seeds. — My specialty.
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      January 7, 2014 at 10:53 am
      
      I LOVE rye bread, with seeds though. Toasted and buttered mmmmm. Still food a ballerina wouldn’t eat.
      
      Reply
Tink says:

January 6, 2014 at 2:53 pm

Oh how I wish to sit at the same table with you and J on holidays at his mom’s.. what a hoot.I can picture that entire scene you know……yes I can . Too fucking funny.

Reply
- Laura says:
  
  January 6, 2014 at 4:10 pm
  
  IF you can survive the 98 degrees the house seems to stay at!
  
  Reply
  - Tink says:
    
    January 6, 2014 at 4:16 pm
    
    Next time go in a bathing suit
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      January 6, 2014 at 5:10 pm
      
      HA! A bikini! That’ll get that thermostat turned back!
      
      Reply