Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
All in all 2013 was one of the most fantastic years of my adult life. I got to quit a suck-ass job, move out of a suck-ass city to a quaint, small town, and into a fabulous house with a pool and court yards, though it’s yet to be totally fabulous BECAUSE THE REMODEL ISN’T COMPLETE YET BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN’T BOTHER TO SHOW UP BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY DON’T NEED THE WORK!! Erm, where was I? Oh, I’ve made new, cool friends who I get together with almost daily to run or hike or shop with. All of my animals, including Jack, are doing fine, and as you all know by now, I got to adopt an awesome dog. Yeah, life has turned into a wonderful dream, BUT no one wants to hear it, so let’s cut this kumbaya shit and get to it shall we? Here’s my list of disappointments 2013 brought me that are really just things that have always disappointed me because life is pretty sweet right now.
MY 2013 LIST OF DISAPPOINTMENTS THAT ARE REALLY JUST THINGS THAT HAVE ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED ME BECAUSE LIFE IS PRETTY SWEET RIGHT NOW.
By Laura Ledford
1. STILL no personal killer robots or flying cars! What the fuck, science? As children, we were promised these things! Dude, if I had a flying car AND a killer robot…well, let’s just say after I was finished with the hobos, watch out Kardashians. That means you too, Kanye.
2. STILL no George Clooney. Do you even want to know how long I’ve been after that man? Well, since Facts of Life, that’s how long. I don’t know how long I can continue this heartbreaking quest, he’s getting kind of old. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Call me, Boo!
3. Murdering bitches and dumb-fucks is STILL illegal.
4. The zombie apocalypse STILL has not happened. Seriously, I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. I have researched, stock-piled, and trained for that sonsabitch. I even have a list of bitches and dumb-fucks I’m going to ”visit” as soon as the news breaks. That’s right, whether they have ‘turned’ or not- they’re going down ’cause #3 is going to be a moot point by then. Hey wait… I can add hobos, Kardashians and Kanye along with the bitches and dumb-fucks to that list and then swing by Studio City to pick up my Boo! So, the flying cars and killer robots, hell, the whole rest of this list would be moot!
So here’s to wishing us all a pandemic of epic proportions in 2014!!
Cheers, motherfuckers! Join me or die!
(Just hide in a closet and be very quiet until I get there, Boo.)
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38 Responses to Wherein I post my end-of-year disappointment list because I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, not because I can’t keep them mind you, but because you can’t improve upon perfection. Shut. Up.
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swing by Texas during the ZA for me and your bro and a few more Monkey Junkies on your way to your Boo.
YAY!!! for the happy critters!
On the remodeling… work your voodoo on those fuckers!
You know I’ll be through Texas! Pack your Ka-Bars!
I’m afraid to voodoo them- afraid they’d NEVER show up then.
Make them feel phantom pains. Hack their gps so when they are closer to your area, they feel relief. Guaranteed to work! ha
Sounds like witchcraft : )
nope… voodoo
LMAO! I want on your team after the ZA!!!
You’re so damn funny!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
No, please eliminate the Kardashians and Kanye BEFORE the hobos. We all need that.
Happy New Year, and don’t forget: Texas is THE place to be after the Zombie Apocalypse begins.
Well, my brother lives there so I’ll be by!
Ugh, don’t you just HATE that we even know the Kardashian’s names?
After a visit to Walmart, in the middle of the night, I’m not completely sure that the zombie apocalypse isn’t already in progress.
It’s kinda sad though. As big as they are, they’ll have to make at least two trips if they want to catch me. If they try it on the scooters, they’ll run out of power before they make it out of the parking lot.
Happy New Year! May you get a jet pack for your birthday…..stay away from power lines.
Ooooo a jet pack…
Happy New Year to you!
And you still have to get up at some ungodly hour to go purchase ammo so you can get in the training needed so we can take on the NSA or the ZA. Whichever comes first! Personally I’m betting on the NSA, cause most Zombies can’t even spell TELEPHONE!
I think zombies pretty much come in last in spelling bees.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/213850682280213093/
Now that’s funny. I’m a grammar nazi with a spelling disorder. Go figrue!!
Rules of grammar be damned up in this here blog!
3&4 baby! 3&4!
YEAH!
So glad to hear from you. You r spoiling us. I know u had a great Xmas so I’m hoping for u a fab, healthy and happy 2014′ . I am also happy you made new friends but just remember there are some old ones out here that still care if you ever need. Just sayin … happy happy happy New Year
Ledford clan ….
Happy New Year to you!!
Hey Laura…you have had a great year…so glad Jack is OK…never mind about George….
Best wishes for next year!
Never mind about George?!!
Best wishes for you too!
Can I be on your team? Pick me! Pick me!
Okay. Simmah down nah.
So… the absence of circus peanut-infused gin wasn’t a problem, then?
Not a problem at all : )
Re: #3 – Have you seen the movie “The Purge”?
Glad to hear everything’s coming up daisy-bike-hobos for you
Yes, and that would be awesome, but I’ll need more than one night. So many bitches, so little time.
Soooo glad you had such a fantastic year, girl! Here’s to another one – with or without a pandemic of epic proportions.
Cheers!
Glad to hear Jack’s ok! Have a happy new year, George+ZA or not!
He’s doing great for a dog relearning to walk again! You have a great new year too!
Hope 2014 is EPIC! The good kind of EPIC!
I hope so too!
Now that George is kinda old and wrinkly, people say I look just like him. No not really……..but I do want to help with training for the ZA/NSA/collapse of CAWKI (civilization as we know it. I’d recommend lettin’ the hobos and Kardashians off the hook (potential Zombie bait). Good luck and Happy New Year
“I’d recommend lettin’ the hobos and Kardashians off the hook (potential Zombie bait).” Ahhh, good idea- if we can stand to drag them along. You’re in!
Isn’t airing one’s list of grievances already part of Festivus (for the rest of us)? As for brain eating zombies, they are already among us. Disguised as progressives. It’s past time you blew some zombie bitches away, IMHO.
Happy New Year to you and your menagerie, Laura!
HA! I put a Festivus pole up in here, I’ll be dancing from it…nobody needs to see that.
Happy New Year!