Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
People have started badgering the shit out of me on Facebook about my lack of posting on here. They’re all like “Damn, you can post on Facebook, but you can’t write on your blog?!” and “You can watch TV but you can’t post on your blog?!” and “Wow Laura, you’re a fantastic writer with such a grip on grammar and sentence structure- when will you be writing again?” Okay, I made that last one up. Stop laughing. Anyway, I’ve decided to take up blogging again to stop the constant nagging and begging and to appease my fans. All three of you. I’ve also decided I would curse more. No more holding back. I know.
And because dreams are bullshit and no one gives a flying fuck what you dream about, my first return entry will be about the dream I had last night.
I was in prison and I was hanging out with a group of lesbians because, you know, protection, and I was saying “I don’t even know what I’m in here for!” to one of them, who by the way was a friend of mine I knew years ago and who wasn’t a lesbian in real life but in my dream she was the head of the prison lesbians. She said “You carried a bottle of beer off post.” And then I remembered I had been partying on Fort Jackson and left with a beer and got arrested and then sent to a federal prison for three months. I said “I can’t believe I went to prison for that!” and one of the other lesbians said “You should have paid off the judge like everyone else does. It only cost fifty dollars.” And I was all “ONLY FIFTY DOLLARS?!” and I reached into a pocket on my prison jumpsuit and pulled out my iPhone to call someone to go bribe the judge. But my iPhone was dead and I didn’t have a power cord and no one else did and I started to cry because prison really sucked. Then the next thing I knew I was on some kind of eight hour furlough and went to a friend’s house to check on my dog Jack. When I got there, by way of a prison bus, I talked to my friend who just had a baby and was keeping Jack in the back yard. I didn’t like the sound of that and when I walked to the back to see Jack I saw that her backyard was actually a swamp and Jack was stuck in a small pit of quicksand. I pulled him out and yelled at her and she called the cops and I was all “Oh fuck, I’ll get years added to my sentence now.” So I tucked Jack under my arm and took off running. After I ran for a while I stopped at a bus stop and waited for a bus. I planned on going to Mexico. I had a bus schedule in my hand and I was thinking “I don’t even know what fucking city I’m in, how the hell am I going to make it to Mexico?” and I debated about turning myself and Jack in. Then I woke up.
You know, I always tell J my dreams, in detail because I like that glaze that comes over his eyes and I always end it with “What do you think that means?” and he always, always replies “That you’re bat-shit crazy.” He’s such a kidder that one.
Now here’s a picture of what Jack would look like living in Mexico. He’s the only non-Chihuahua I know of that can pull this look off.
"Donde trata mi perro, hijos de puta?"
According to Google’s translator that means “Where’s my dog treats, motherfuckers?” I guess that’s right, I don’t know. I’m not an international cursing scientist, though I really should be.
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58 Responses to Be careful what you wish for.
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Hijos de putas = Sons of whores.
Well goddammit Google! What is motherfucker in Mexican?
You mean in SPANISH? Goddammit, I demand Political Correctitude!
Chinga tu madre means fuck your mother. Possibly chingaro de madre would suffice…
Thank you for the MEXICAN cursing.
Needs more swearing and welcome back!
Fuck yeah it does. I thought I’d start out slow.
This clearly means that you made the wrong choice. Should have gotten the Samsung Galaxy S4. Funny how not having a longer battery life can haunt your dreams.
NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOO! I love my iPhone. I just have to remember to bring my charger when I drink.
Well good morning to you! And if it makes you feel any better – my hub tells me my dreams mean I’m bat shit crazy every time I share one with him. But I wouldn’t try bribing him if I were you
I keep all the assassin stuff on the down low.
I do too.. I mean except for announcing I’m an assassin on here.
FUCK YEA!!!! Ive missed your crazy ass dreams! I need to star in yours. I would have kept Jack or slapped that ho for doing that to him.
I could analyze it for ya… but I won’t.
Mine suck. Someone is trying to kill me.
It’s probably Sean and he’s using hypnosis to make you THINK it’s a dream. I bet that’s it.
well hell! Or it’s he cats..
*THe
Well, that goes without saying. Cats are murderous assholes.
I like “sons of whores”. Has a nice ring to it. Could be a new show on F/X. You’re welcome, Hollywood.
I thought that was Two and a Half Men.
OMG….It is swell that your back. High 5 on the MF swearing.got me goin this morning. THIS DREAM PROBABLY STEMS
FROM your openly admitted desire to fucking kill someone and the only thing stopping you is the thought of going to jail because Jack would be in jeopardy without you.. and I believe J has hit the nail on the head…
Hey, hey, Nazi’s are rarely right. And yes, who would take care of my animals??!!
This story makes much more sense when one realizes that “J” is your codename for Jack.
HA! Jack thinks I’m brilliant!
Do you ever rest? I mean just peaceful, mindless rest?
No.
More Jack is ‘xactly what I needed on a Monday morning, so thank you! He looks very fetching (pun intended) in his li’l Speedy Gonzales outfit.
Dreams are windows into the subconscious mind, btw. Yours appears to be a very dangerous and fucked up place. Good thing you woke up!
My dreams are always fucked up. Usually though I’m just trying to make out with a celebrity in them. Occasionally I do find myself in prison.
I love fucked up dreams except when I wake with my heart pounding from being chased by zombies or something. But this sounds like a fun one – drinking beer, hanging with lesbos at the prison and escaping to Mexico with Jack. Fun times.
I’m sure if you’d only gone back to sleep for a few more minutes, Bobo would have saved you both.
Hi Jack! You look stunning in your new outfit!
Bobo was probably at home drinking my gin and ordering rawhides with my credit card.
I have a friend from Sweden and she said that they don’t have a word for “fuck”. How the hell can they not have a word for fuck???
That’s totally fucked up.
The most recent editions of the OED also don’t have the word “gullible” in them any more.
You mean to tell me WE can pay off judges just like the rich crooks do? Will wonders never cease.
Yes, it’s true. Fifty dollars!
My old assistant used to translate all my dreams for me, it’s one of the reasons I miss her. I’m sure Jack is “so excited” that your coming back to blogging means that he had to be dressed up in drag, once again, in order to please your three fans.
motherfucker {noun}
motherfucker {noun} [vulg.] (also: bastard, fucker)
cabrón {m} [vulg.]
motherfucker {noun} [vulg.]
pendejo {m} [vulg.]
motherfucker {noun} [vulg.] (also: son of a bitch, bastard)
hijo de puta {m} [vulg.]
Does that help?
YES! Thank you!
Yay, I missd you’re grammer ‘n stuff!
ps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGgGCvuez14
HA!HA!
Your rite, I is purdy good at writin’ and typin and stuff.
Whew! Thanks, I needed that. I have been Jonesing badly for a new post. I don’t do the Facebook thing very often – Facebooking makes me want to kill people and I am not a skilled assassin like you, so I would be caught and thrown in prison like in your dream, except I don’t have any prison survival skills like you and I would die a slow miserable painful death just because of stupid Facebook. So thank you very much. Now I can avoid prison for a few more days.
Just remember lesbians will protect you and you’ll be a’ight.
Su pero es muy guapo!
“Her butt is very handsome” the translator said.
That’s it’s perro not pero. Also pinchi cabron I think is what my brothers used to run around calling everybody when they were young. Have no idea how to spell it.
Oops – forgot the because it’s perro not pero. It’s early. I’m not really awake – I’m sleep typing.
LOL! I typed that message before the ass crack of dawn circa 5 am and didn’t catch that! Ha! It’s much funnier as pero anyway. Oh, I’m gonna be laughing about this one all day….
That’s why a lot of the times it’s best not to edit.
Oh, the significant other glazed eye look. I know it well. I tell the OAM my dreams in detail as well – mainly to see him go crosseyed trying to pretend he’s paying attention.
My dream the other night was of me living with 2 white haired old black men while I went back to college and all they had in their falling down house for a bathroom was a toilet seat in the middle of the living room on a frame set over a small cup. It sure was hard to hit. I think I drank too much before bed…
Ha! And just what were you drinking?
That dream translates to mean “Jack wants enchiladas, bendeho”
Is that like a really flexible prostitute?
Thoughts on your deeply personal and revealing post:
1. On lesbians: FACT. Lesbians will protect you in prison AND they will kill bugs. So always be nice to lesbians. Unless they are crazy. Then stay away, which is always my policy with crazy people.
2. On dreams: I was cleaning out a lab today at work and found a machete. I will not get any sleep, let alone dream tonight trying to figure out why the researcher needed a machete. On the other hand, I am glad he is gone, cause he had a machete. See statement 1 about staying away from crazy people.
3. On Spanish cursing: As you may gather from the above, I may need a vacation day. I think I would probably be “awarded” one by HR if I ask my Spanish-speaking co-workers the proper way to say motherfucker in Spanish.
Yes, I am under the care of a licensed professional.
1. Fuck. I am a crazy magnet.
2. I would keep the machete. Everyone needs a machete.
3. Ask anyway. I wanna know.
It’s fucking great your fucking, nay, pendejoing return to fucking blogging. Fucking A.
Fuck yeah!
…and I thought my dream about some guy trying to ride a hog 11 feet tall was weird.
He almost succeeded, but the hog bucked him off and disappeared in a run on the far side of the pasture….no I don’t know where it went.
MMMMMmmm imagine all the bacon…
right now I am too drunk to break out a great big “give a damn”. Some days life sucks!
And some days it doesn’t.
A little Jack always makes the day go by more smoothly. Of course, the “Jack” to which I’m referring comes out of a bottle. But a dog is nice, too. As long as the little motherfucker doesn’t knock my bottle over and lap up the spillage.
That’s the first thing I taught my animals NOT to do.