I have a spider bite on the side of my boob. And the weirdest thing is, this is not the first time one of my boobs has been attacked and ravaged by a spider. The last bite left a scar like a gunshot wound which stayed until a gifted plastic surgeon removed it when I had my beautiful breasteses reduced due to them giving me black eyes when I ran. It did give me street cred though- the “gunshot wound” scar, not the black eyes. I really hope this bite doesn’t leave a scar, I have no boobage to spare now. Anyway, all titty talk aside, I have a spider bite and I fully expect one of two things to happen. Either 1.) I’ll start getting spidey powers and will start being able to climb buildings and shoot webbing out of my wrists, in which case I’ll need to buy some tights and a ski mask 2.) my intestines will start liquefying and I’ll soon wake up in a web cocoon being devoured by a freak boob-loving spider. I hope it’s number one. There are some motherfuckers I’d like to show some spidey justice to.
And no, there will be no spider bite boob picture, so don’t ask, ya freaks. Instead here’s a pic of what I hope you all are wearing today at work to show your patriotism:37 Comments
Links to Enjoy
- Andrew Knapp Photos.
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- Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.
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- Hitler's Home Movies.
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- Karaoke Hitler.
- Wake up! They see us!
- How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.
- A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.
- Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.
- Birds in Watercolor.
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- Google Sheep View.
- 3 year old girl explain the complexities of childbirth in 4 seconds.
OMG – you too? I mean about the black eyes during runs thing! I had mine reduced in 2002, and they grew back. There was a spider that tried to get at them two years ago when we moved into the new house, but all he got was my shoulder. He then proceeded to bite my thigh, but the only thing I got out of that is a MRSA infection, and no spidey powers.
Grew back?!!! Good lawd I can’t go through that surgery again! And thanks for giving me another ailment to worry about!
Oh, sorry! Didn’t mean to worry you. They didn’t grow back as big as they were, but did grow back a bit.
Yeah, the surgery sucked rancid ass!
But it was well worth it, and eventually my back felt fabulous!
Recovery was a bitch for sure! But I am so glad I had it done.
A motorboating spider?
Haha! I just pictured that in my head.
Hmmm… I HOPE for 1 but I KNOW #2 WILL HAPPEN.
You know the only way you got street cred with that scar is by SHOWING as proof your scar. Just saying. lmao. I have a 2.5 inch scar on the left boob thanks to a cat. I just tell people it’s from a knife fight. The bra reduced the damage.
And I will find something for to wear in remembrance of today.
Well, people at Mardi Gras were impressed anyway.
Sorry about your boob. I just hope that the spider wasn’t filming some sick porn film when he went after you. That sort of shit is all over the internet, you know.
Great. Now I have to worry about that shit surfacing when I take over the world.
Well, you were still able to blog in spite of the spider attack so that’s encouraging. I would be torching the entire house looking for the spider, spider eggs, spider kin, spider webs and anything with more than four legs.
They must be super spiders. I have had the exterminators in four times!
We have black widows out here. My husband laughs at me because I can spot a web a mile away and “hunt” the spiders at night. I am Broomhilda the Magnificent! Die Bitches Die!!!
You should start a spider hunting business. I’d hire you.
I’m gonna look all over for that movie for you.
Which movie? Spiderman?
The pr0n starring you and the spider!
Ahhh. I’m hearing bad 70′s porn music in my head.
Damn, Laura! You wait out a feuding family and the SC Dept of Revenue to purchase a to-die-for house on the coast only to be plagued by palmetto bugs, moles, cicadas, and boob attacking spiders! At least you are no longer subjected to bunch-o-bitches. Now, about your shrinking surgery. Is this the surgery mentioned in “about me” where you visited the other side? I am SO interested in hearing more about that experience.
No, that was an emergency surgery I had because a cyst had burst and I became septic and all my organs started failing- so I was half dead when they had to open me up and my heart stopped and had to be restarted with difficulty- kinda like Frankenstein’s Bride except no lightning or Frankenstein husband or neck bolts or crazy hair. The experience I had I try not to get into it too much because people’s eyes glaze over or they just nod politely with a look like “Sureeee” and I don’t debate personal shit with people. I know what I saw, what I felt and that’s all that matters. I will say it forever changed my view on religion.
And ain’t that a bitch that I am now plagued by insects after waiting two years on a property?! Maybe that’s why the house was abandoned…
After a really bad allergic reaction, when I was an infant, heroic measures were used to bring me back from the other side.
I don’t remember any of it, but considering where I am, they sent me back….or didn’t want me in the first place….I’ll find out eventually.
Satan was afraid you’d take over, even as a baby.
I completely understand and respect!
I thought Rosie meant a movie about a motor-boating spider…
One of the reasons spiders are more difficult to control even with exterminators regularly spraying is, their legs being longer means their bodies aren’t as close to the poison on the floor or ground……Bastards.
It’s also harder to use a deterent bug spray inside when your family members are so close to the floor, And they lick their feet.
I like to use Windex (or Any ammonia based glass cleaner) to temporarily disable wasps when they get into the kitchen. But just spraying them with water keeps them from flying till you can get them. I use foot long hemostats to grab wasps and scorpions. Then I destroy them.
I bought a 12″ hemostat at a Knife and Gun Show years ago and another at the store Harbor Freight. I bought J. his own to keep in the office.
Don’t buy a straight one – You want one with a curve at the end.
I think I have some hemostats left over from my pot smoking daze…
I can’t believe Harbor Freight had this at their website.
It’s for flies, but you can kill LOTS of other bugs with it.
Takes 2 or 3 D batteries.
Ridiculously cheap even when not on sale.
The inner wire has the charge in it when you hold down the yellow button on the handle.
Spiders or scorpions on carpets are impossible to kill…..but not when you can just press this flat to the carpet on them AND FRY THE BASTARDS !
As long as Any part of the bug touches that hot wire, it kills them. You may even get a nice resounding POP sound when it makes contact.
However, there Will be a slight burnt hair smell.
These make fun Christmas stocking stuffers, too.
Electric Fly Swatter
Oooooo I hope they pop.
House was abandoned because it was an insect hell mouth? Brrr…
I have wanted that surgery for years now. I only ever got one consultation and he told me to lose 50 pounds before he’d do it. I said “Dude, if I lose 50 pounds I won’t need the surgery…” So, it hasn’t happened.
I never for one second regret getting that surgery.
At least your spider has good taste. Maybe that’s gonna be your superpower – you’ll only increase your impeccable decorating powers and be able to pick out fine wines as well!
I need both those powers for this remodel!
I had a spider bite on the side of my boob one time too that left a scar! There must be a whole gang of boob biting spiders!
A new species.
Heck with the spiders.
Let’s talk about boobs for a while longer.
I like boobs. I’ll step on a spider, but I wouldn’t step on a boob. At least on purpose.
I really hate spiders in my home, but won’t use toxic shit as I have a parrot and a Blue Heeler who share the house with me. I can recommend a homemade spray ( recipe below), that works for us.
Spiders don’t like strong-smelling herbs like mint, lavender and orange. THEY HATE PEPPERMINT OIL.
Add 10 to 15 drops of peppermint essential oil into a spray bottle with 8 ounces of water.
Spray around door frames, windows, small cracks, corners of the ceilings and bathrooms.
Use peppermint essential oil without water for a more potent version.
Do this once a week.
During the summer when the weather is hot do this twice a week.
I recommend Mountain Rose Herbs as a reputable source for essential oils or Samara Botane.
Then have a crop duster plane deliver it.