Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Back when I first got this place and had some guys clearing what had become a forest of a yard, I met one of the next door neighbors. Immediately my bitch radar went off, and believe me when I tell you I have a very good bitch radar, no doubt fine-tuned from years of working with them. Anyway, I remember she asked me if the men were going to cut some bushes down that were “growing over onto her property” and I said yes. Then later I learned she had come over and told my guys to cut the bushes down. I let it go, though I mentally wrote her name in my Book of Bitch Nemeses.
Yesterday I noticed she and her husband were outside working in their yard. I didn’t pay much attention until I walked down to my mailbox and noticed that they had thrown their yard debris next to my driveway ON MY PROPERTY. The following is the phone conversation I had a short time later with J.
Me: “That bitch next door had the nerve to throw her yard trash on my property, like, making a brush pile right next to my driveway!”
J: “Well, I’m sure when that was just abandoned property that’s what they did and they just did it out of habit.”
Me: “Well, it’s not abandoned now and I find it rude as hell!”
J: “Calm down, Laura. I’m sure you can ask them to stop and they will.”
Me: “I shouldn’t have to ask anyone that. It’s common sense you don’t make a brush pile on someone else’s property, so I threw it all back over on their property! AND you need to stop telling me to calm down!”
J: “Well, you like to get fired up at people and really, I’m pretty sure they didn’t do it intentionally to piss you off.”
Me: “You know what? You’re not doing this right. You should always agree with me about people. My enemies should be your enemies. Period!”
J: “They’re not your enem-
*click*
A few hours later, while I was outside in the front yard checking the water sprinkler heads (they still work YAY!) J pulled up in the driveway. He got out of his car and walked down toward the mailbox. I saw him looking over at the neighbor’s new brush pile I made for them on their property. I straightened up as he approached, thinking this is the part where he’s going to tell me I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill. Instead this happened:
J: *Rolling his head around on his neck all ghetto-like* “Oh no she didn’t! Bitch went a palm frond too far!”
Me: “I know, right!?!”
J: “She doesn’t know who she messin’ with!”
Me: “YEAH! And if her nasty-ass pecans fall in my back yard, I’m gonna throw ‘em at her bitch head!”
J: “Girl, puleeze! Her pee-cans fall on your land, we’ll burn her bitch house down!”
Then I high-fived him.
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49 Responses to J has always been the voice of reason in this relationship and that has always pissed me off to no end.
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Love is a many splendored thing.
It certainly is.
Keeper.
Your neighbor woes make me feel a little less crazy about my own.
Why does there always have to be a bitch or crazy neighbor?? Uggh.
Yeah, that’s it, just stuff a hand full of of those damned pee-cans and one bad tempered squirrel up her nasty ass, and send her to the emergency room with complaints of a spastic colon. Heh, teach her a lesson in neighborliness.
YEAH! There’s lots of bad-tempered squirrels here…
Burn Baby Burn
Bring the marshmallows.
Maybe it’s just me, but I would gather the pecans and make a pie.
THEN I would throw it at her face. More Southerly that way.
With a rock in the middle.
I say be neighborly, make them a pe-can pie and leave a LOT of shells mixed in it.
and broken glass…
NOW we’re talkin’.
All those empty cupcake containers now have a purpose.
In your best Miss Manners handwriting place a nice card on the top of the stack of empty boxes that says: “Thanks for welcoming me to the neighborhood. In appreciation, here’s some cupcakes I bought for you. Oh, wait, I ate them all after moving your shit off my lawn. Well, you can be assured I thought about you the whole time I cleaned up your shit, and while I ate every last cupcake. I thought you might like to know they were absolutely delicious. Have a nice day, neighbor.”
And leave the pile of boxes on her front porch.
HA! AND throw crumbled up cupcake papers all over her lawn!
That’s true love. I’m so jealous!
Yes it is.
This needs a little thought and planning…to do it right.
And I wanna do it right.
Well, of course. There is no point at all in starting a feud with a brand new neighbor and doing it half-assed.
Exactly!
A friend’s parents had a problem with a neighbor’s tree. It grew near the property boundary, constantly shed leaves in their yard and their suggestions they trim the tree were ignored.
They solved the problem by hiring a surveyor, who assured their fence was just inside their property line and then hiring a tree cutter to remove the tree inside their property.
It looked like shit after that and the neighbor eventually removed the crappy tree.
These were overgrown bushes that were of course coming down. She had no business telling my crew to take them down after I told her they were all being removed. I’ll cut a bitch.
Word to the mother. (and I literally LOL’d at J) About time he agreed with you. And it so easy and funny as hell!
He needs to practice it more often.
Can you make Claymores using pecans instead of ball bearings?
I can try.
Gather the pecans, bake some pies, sell them and buy land mines to edge your property. Works against bitches AND hobos!
It’s a win win then. Mines it is.
Gather the pecans, make a pie and place a sign in front of the neighbors with an announcement: “Free Pie for Indigent People”
Of course, the Walmart, stretch pants, derelicts will flock to the neighbors to get their free pie.
You can sit on your front porch, enjoy your pecan pie and respond to questions with: “I have no idea why they quit giving out pie. I’m eating my last piece of pie right now….maybe you should knock louder”
Ha! And hobos! Don’t forget the goddamn hobos! I never do …
J is a keeper!
When I lived in a subdivision, I would yell at the neighborhood kids walking through my back yard. Even sprayed one with the hose. He never returned! So it worked.
Thankfully there are no children : )
Are your new neighbors related to Crazy Betty???
I hope not, and these wear clothes.
Crazy comes in all tax brackets…
For sure.
I just want you to know I have been reading just not commenting. But this….. I had to just say… thanks “J” for takin one for the team. You’re a good (and smart) man.
He is indeed.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Of course, serving it piping hot feels pretty fucking good, as well.
I like to do both.
If you ask me — and why should you? — revenge is a dish best served quickly. You know, while you’re still in the mood.
But I’m always in the mood for revenge!
Looks like you’re gonna need one of those DR brand tree shredder machines….DR’s, once it senses you’ve put a branch (or ahem…something) in it, it automatically feeds it thru.
YES! Go all Fargo on their asses!
Um, Jack also wants to know what the fuck that clown is doing on your banner, since you promised a while back that he’d be featured on it next. Seriously, what’s a dog got to do to get the attention and adoration that he so richly deserves?
Ooops, I forgot!
Hey! What the fuck is that clown doing on your banner?
I DON’T KNOW!!