Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
So last month I packed up all my stuff, with most of it going into storage and I moved myself and my animals to a small town into a studio. This is what I call it, a studio, though it’s two big rooms and by, say New York City standards of a studio apartment, this is a mansion. After settling a few days, I had the cable company come out and install Internet, because I was going through withdrawals from watching midget porn from scientifical Google researching. Anyway, so the guy was running a cable or whatever from the outside and I was all busy doing stuff in the other room. I had Jack in his kennel and I was unpacking when I walked into the other room and saw the doors were completely open. I was all “Oh shit! The cats!” I immediately started looking for them under furniture and in cabinets and THEY WEREN’T THERE! Oh shit. So I went flying out the door, past the cable guy screaming “MY CATS! YOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN! FUCK! THEY’RE GOING TO DIE OUT THERE! DIE I TELL YOU!” and I took off down the driveway, then the road, screaming their names over and over. “TINKS!! THELMA!!”
As I was calling them I kept thinking there was no way in hell they were going to come to me and I pictured them on the roads trying to make their way “home” to Columbia and getting run over by a car, or attacked by a bear, or raped by a hobo. Fucking hobos, man. I started crying and running faster, all the while screaming their names like a lunatic as I imagined them getting squashed by car tires, mauled by a bear, or raped by a goddamn hobo. Oh, their sweet widdle kitty faces wondering “Where’s my mommy? Why isn’t she here to save me? WHERE’S MY MOMMY, KITTY GOD? WHERE?!!?” And because I know y’all have missed my renderings, here is a rendering of what I looked like:
This went on for about an hour, me screaming and crying up and down the roads, until I resigned myself to the fact that they were either road pancakes, bear piñatas, and/or SVU hobo-raped victims and I was doing nothing except scaring my neighbors. So I went back to the studio to start printing “Lost” posters and when I sat down at the computer, I looked through the French doors and lo and behold, there sat Thelma and Tinks sunning themselves by the pool. And it looked like they were smiling. Smug kitty cat smiles. Motherfuckers.
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87 Responses to I’m pretty certain my new neighbors were thinking “Well, there goes the neighborhood. It looks like ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag just moved in.”
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Thelma: “That woman is crazier than a shit-house rat.”
Tinks: “Damn straight.”
It’s like you know them.
Moving is always a blast. Sounds like you had a lot of fun.
Just got moved myself, no cats though.
I’ll have to borrow someone’s cats for the next move, just to keep things interesting.
Ugh, moving sucks big green donkey dicks. BUT OH MY GOD I DON”T LIVE IN COLUMBIA ANYMORE!! WOOOT!!! And you can borrow my cats. I’ll even throw in a little dog.
*snif* Another refugee from Columbia makes it across the city limit sign.
One of my worst travel stories EVAR happened in Columbia. I HATE it!
Columbia sucks, it really does. It has all the bad things a big city has without any of the fun stuff a big city has. I can honestly say that I will never live there again.
Cats can be such butth@les when they do that! They collectively owe you one of their cat lives for that stunt.
Those lil sonsabitches owe me all nine!
Glad your settled. Can Jack swim?
He can!
Thank you KittyGod for safe smug citykitties
I know! I really did freak.
I’ve missed you!!!! Is that your new street view?
That be my hood. I missed you too Did you ever get your robot body?
It’s on backorder… FML.
Sooo glad those bitches were alright. Fire that cable asshole.
Well, it’s not like I hired him. AND he did go through my neighbors bushes looking for them when I went all batshit crazy.
Well… fire his ass anyways. Did he have plumber’s crack? He needed to run screaming down the street too. HA!
Ha! Well, he didn’t. Maybe I should call his employer…
I just realized you drew that hobo grabbing his junk.
Ha! YES! Hobos do that a lot because no one else will grab their junk.
WELCOME BACK! I kept checking your site in hopes and HERE YOU ARE! I personally missed your crazy and those neighbors are lucky to have it living there!!
They really are. HA! And thanks, it’s good to be back.
Well, at least it seems they approve of the new digs!!
Glad they are safe!! Damn scarey hobos!
They all LOVE the place, except for the hobos. No one likes hobos.
Those fucking raping hobos. I hope you get your bike with the shotgun so you can make it safe for city kitties there.
Welcome back. I hope it’s for good.
As soon as I can figure out how to pull it off the frame and shoot it without crashing my bike, I will.
And thanks, I think so.
LOL, that happened to me, only I enlisted The Husband and The Father in Law to roam the streets for an hour, only to come home, open the door to the garage and find my cat sleeping on the hood of the car!
Cats are evil.
Welcome back, I missed you!
I bet those cats purposely hid from you when you were calling them!
Thank you. I bet they did too!
Best rendering of a hobo EVER.
Thanks. Almost too lifelike if you ask me. Ha!
Merv must have been advising the little bastiches
They toy with us. Congrats on the move!
Well tell Merv to stop!
Thanks, and I’m loving it!
And here I was thinking you moved to a hobo-free zone.
Fuckin’ hobos everywhere.
If you shoot them and hang them on the fence it generally scares the rest of them off. The good thing is that they smell better dead than when they’re alive.
Oh lawd, hobo stench in the air…
I am glad you’re back. I was told about your blog and I have been stalking this site patiently waiting for you to return. So here you are and here I am. The start of a grand new relationship. I am excited.
Welcome! And let’s hope I don’t piss you off/offend too much : ) Ha!
Are you crazy….oh sorry that goes without saying…. you moved into a studio with cats and dogs and birds?
A HUGE studio.
When Stretch was a puppy, before I installed a dog gate at the front door, a policeman came and knocked, I opened it thinking, WTF does the Law want with me. Stretch broke…and me right after him. No way one person can catch. He was too young to know his name of any commands. It usually takes 3 people to triangulate him, but it can be done with 2 if you can back him into a corner.
I yelled at the cop, “help me catch my puppy”, and there we were…me and the cop running around the neighborhood. Finally caught him, and I took him back home. Thanked the Cop and asked what I could for him. It was hot as hell out, and I noticed he was parked in the shade down the street. At first, I thought he was trying to sneak up on me.
Cop asked me what knew about drugs. I said, what are you getting at? He said, see those high top tennis shoes hanging on the wires at the end of the driveway. I said, yes, they’ve been there a petty good while. They’re hanging all over the neighborhood. He said, thats a Gang sign for a drug dealer. I said I’ve never heard of that. Do I look like a drug dealer to you. I said, which was true, I’m on the Grand Jury for a year, and I need to take a shower and go. I need to be at the court house in less that an hour. I said, thanks for helping me catch my puppy.
Fact or the matter is…I’m glad he stopped by.
I never knew that about dealers either. I thought they just marked their houses by tying a pitbull with a chain to a tree in the front yard.
Makes you scared doesn’t it when they break out?
Nope. That has been around since the fucking 70′s. Where were y’all?
Somewhere else for sure.
I’m very confused. Didn’t you just buy a house? I am losing it I tell you.
I did and it’s getting remodeled.
So glad this was clarified. I was thinking the same thing as I was reading along.
Now that that’s understood, I bet Thelma and Tinks are already plotting another trick on Cat Mom after the next move…
Oh yeah, and happy temporary new home. Are there dead hookers at the bottom of this pool?
YES! Well, umm, not yet.
Did you ever find out what that turtle was?
Alligator Snapping Turtle. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alligator_snapping_turtle
Mean sonsabitch.
So glad you’re here. Really missed you. I’m sure Jack will love that pool. Are we gonna get a pix of him lounging by the pool wearing sun glasses and a bikini?
Ha! Probably, on a float in the pool.
Yippee! You are back with all the animals and craziness and renderings. I can get some sleep now.
Ha! Me too! Sleep like a baby here.
Tinks & Thelma at the poolside.
Ti – What’s all that noise ?
Th – I don’t know. (slightly raises her head) It sounds like mom.
Ti – Why is she acting all crazy yelling our names ?
Th – Who knows…I mean we’re right here.
Ti – Should we go make an appearance ?
Th – Hell no. We already exerted enough energy making our way out here.
Ti – Yeah…she’ll find us sooner or later.
*
I hated it the time I was looking for our Maine Coon Buster and when, after looking in every room and under things he can get under, I glance up to see him lounging on the very top level perch of his cat scratch tower…near the ceiling….observing his Empire.
Ha! They like making fools out of us for sure. And I bet that was Tinks and Thelma’s conversation.
The female cat that we had never charged an open door even though she (and our other cats) was a strictly indoor kitty. She wasn’t overweight, I just think her goal in life was to be a Decorative Object and she just didn’t like to have to exert herself. She wasn’t a mouser. She watched Zeke (silver tabby) catch the occasional mouse.
Well Tinks used to be a hunter. Thelma wouldn’t know what a mouse was that wasn’t filled with catnip.
I made the mistake of smooshing up catnip between my hands. Little feline bastards mistook my paws for a can of cat food. Shit wouldn’t wash off, either. Fair warning.
Ha! Shredded hands.
OH.HOW.I.HAVE.MISSED.THE.RENDERINGS.
So glad your fambily is safe away from the big city. Those cats knew what they were doing.
Yes they did, those lil sonsabitches.
Glad you are back! Good to hear about the new (if temporary) digs. Hope the remodel goes smoothly and you are soon in your new Velveeta filled pool house.
Ahhh my Velveeta fountain! Ha! Thanks!
How could you move away from Crazy Betty. Perhaps she’ll follow you to your new place. One can only hope.
No way. Besides, she moved first! I think into an asylum.
Here’s to hoping you have crazy neighbors in your new place.
NOOOOOooooOOOOO!
FINALLY!!! I’ve been having withdrawals here.
Oh yeah, hope the move is going well…
It’s going great so far, thanks.
I am pretty sure it’s the cat’s revenge for not feeding them bacon!!! Damn cats… but hey they could have been like Jack and torn up some stuff instead.
True, true. I know I’d make a run for it if I didn’t get bacon.
Glad you’re back. We’ve missed ya,along with all the attendant craziness. I hate moving.
Moving sucks, but being crazy is fun.
The funny thing about being crazy is that you don’t know you’re crazy.
But you kinda do so that makes it even crazier.
Only TEN pounds of crazy? You’re slacking off, girl!
But glad you’re back…
Well, okay, twenty.
Just another example of how Our Cat Overlords like to torture us for their own enjoyment.
Bee Yoo Tee Full rendering! Missed ya and glad yer back!
Ahh, thanks! Yes, they RULE us and they know it.
Finally you get your selfish ass back here to entertain us… and I am so incredibly sad not to see a mugshot in reference to WHY you were gone so long…
really though, hope the remodel and the move go well! welcome back!
They don’t take mugshots in rehab, thankyouverymuch. Ha! And really, thank you.
Yeah! It’s a control issue, bascially. Cats letting you know who’s in charge. The venue may change, but the chain of command is still intact.
You draw almost just like that Hyperbole and a Half lady!
Nah, I draw by hand on a pad. She uses MS Paint or something.