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Stick with what you know. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Halloween is just like my New Year’s Eve only better because there’s no pressure from society to make fake resolutions promising to become a better person the following year and there are more parties to attend. I’m not even stressing over the whole costume thing this year because I’ve been going as the same thing to every one: a patient in liver failure awaiting a donor. I carry a beeper, that’s actually a Spiderman PEZ dispenser, and a medical alert bracelet, which is a candy necklace wound twice around my wrist. I drink lots of gin and tonics as a loading dose of anti-rejection medications, but because my shitty insurance has me on a death panel, and I’m too poor to purchase from the black market, my donor never turns up. This means more parties and yes, more actual liver damage. So far I’ve been to three parties. I am becoming slightly jaundiced, and waking up feeling like someone shot me in the face. After the last one, I curled into the fetal position and cried uncontrollably in the shower the next morning for almost an hour because of the horrible things I did the night before. I have two more to attend. And you’re damn skippy I’m going because that’s what Halloween is all about, y’all; internal organ damage and regret.

42 Comments
 

42 Responses to Stick with what you know.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I want to party with you! (Even though I might lose my liver!)

  2. October Raid says:

    Damn, You have way more fun at parites than I do. Maybe I could tag along?

  3. MSgt B says:

    “After the last one, I curled into the fetal position and cried uncontrollably in the shower the next morning for almost an hour because of the horrible things I did the night before.”

    Now that’s a successful Halloween party

  4. Jeffro says:

    You are such a trooper. I am so very proud of you!

  5. Cinder says:

    I love Halloween. I love it more than any other time of year. I would never never dress like a Zombie cuz around here… I know I would get shot for sure. Bad costume choice for anyone I think.

  6. Janie Jones says:

    Wow, you must have an awesome hot water heater if you can cry curled up in the shower for an hour.

  7. Holiday says:

    Im havin a party this year. I cant wait. it’s not till Saturday Night but OH BABY its gonna be great. I wish u could come…

  8. Jena says:

    Sigh… I wish I was there! I would dress as Laura and have the BESTEST costume EVAR!!!

  9. Yabu says:

    When I was a kid, we were Halloween party crashers. Each of us in my gang had a three or four dozen eggs. We’d egg anything and everything. We didn’t care about the candy, we’d egg front doors, cars, and other trick-or-treaters. We were all about the trick. Someone called the cops, and we egged the cop car. Made the front page of the local newspaper, we did. Halloween became night of the eggs. We also, sometimes, would go to the front door, and instead of begging for candy, we’d light a 500 roll of firecrackers and run like hell.

    Those were the good ole days. For me, Halloween brings back fond memories. Heck, my side still hurts from laughing so hard.

    I still see some of my old gang on occasion, and man, can we tell some stories. We laugh until we’re falling down.

    • Laura says:

      You would get shot nowadays. And I would be the one with the smoking gun. HA!

      But seriously, my firend Jacinta and I would crash her brother and sisters partyu and “drink the punch.” That was the start of my liver damage.

      • Yabu says:

        You’re right about getting shot. I should post this story sometime: I’ve been shot once. Rock salt in a 12 GA. at a long distance, thank the Maker. Hurt and stung like a motherfucker, and all I was doing was stealing fruit off a tree. Nowadays, if kids did the shit I did when I was a kid, they’d be in jail.

  10. Roxie says:

    I really want to know what horrible things you did that made you cry in the shower!

  11. Mark12A says:

    Seriously, you need a liver? To keep you writing, and in gin and circus peanuts, I may be able to find you a slightly used one. Shit, there are liver donors who DON’T EVEN KNOW they’re about to be donors walking all around you.

    Of course, if one of the Bunch o’ Bitches disappears mysteriously just before your new liver appears, don’t ask too many questions. She ran off with her new boyfriend. Really.

  12. Jess says:

    I always wondered how many bodies are disposed of on Halloween. Who would know? To an observer, it’s just another Halloween prank.

  13. untbunny says:

    Now is it REALLY a great party if you remember what you did the next morning? A successful party for me is not remembering the party EVER. Well, maybe bits and pieces so I can still relate with others who remained sober during my time party fantasyland.

    Do you care to elaborate on why your face hurt the next day? That one has me a bit intrigued as my very warped imagination created several scenerios in which that may happen. Just tell me, was it a pleasurable experience?

  14. zonker says:

    About a month ago I discovered (read: was introduced to by a bartender) a taxi service that charges $2/mile…AND THEY DRIVE YOUR FRICKING CAR HOME, TOO! It rocks.

  15. SB Smith says:

    Speaking of body parts, I bought one of those fake feet that Walmart used to sell over 20 years ago. They look real with lines on them like the skin on your feet. I stick it out of the back liftgate, or I stick it out of the sun roof on top and it sort of waves in the wind.
    I have a wench outfit I bought at the TX Ren Fest several years ago, leather elf shoes with a curled toe, and a witch hat.
    I just go around all day with my usual business. Sometimes I have the foot hanging off my waist as a warning.

    Nothing as exciting as most of yours sound, though !
    But I know where there’s 86 acres closer to the coast where one could dispose of those pesky dead hookers !…..

  16. Sam says:

    I want your Halloween. All I end up doing every year is handing out candy to ungrateful brats.

  17. Charlotte Rae says:

    I hope you get a new liver soon! lol!

  18. Brea says:

    Laura,
    I know you love goats and all.. (who wouldn’t, after all?) but I have 2 words for you concerning the efficient disposal of dead hookers and hobos.

    Pig. Farm.

    Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. It’s responsible citizenship.

    Oh, and I want to party with you too.
    I’m Mrs. Lovett this year, from Sweeney Todd. I’ll bring my best knife. We’ll get you that liver, and it’ll just look like the BEST. HALLOWEEN. PRANK. EVER.

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