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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day- Arrr, it’s only Wednesday and I think I have scurvy. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I had a telephone conference with my broker yesterday because apparently my empire has grown so huge they needed to know what direction to take with the shitload of money I have (READ: they were worried I was homeless by now). We discussed where my money would be shifted around after I told him I wanted to retire “yesterday.” Near the end of the conversation he said “Do you have any other plans on how you can do an early retirement?” I told him I was actively seeking fame and fortune in hand modeling by posting shitty phone pics of my hands on the Internet, and that I not only buy a lottery ticket every week, but also a scratch-off. There was an awkward silence on the line as he waited to see if I’d start laughing or make some indication that I was joking. I didn’t, I just sat there. Then, breaking the silence, I said “Jeff, was there anything else you needed? I have scratch-offs to scratch and those shitty phone pics aren’t going to take themselves.”

Now here’s a shitty phone pic of my hand-modeling hands, because I don’t give up on my dreams, just saving money.

Nail polish is Sally Hansen's Salon Effects Polish Strips "Love Letters."

45 Comments
 

45 Responses to In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day- Arrr, it’s only Wednesday and I think I have scurvy.

  1. Erinyes says:

    What is this “saving” and “money” to which you refer?

  2. Mark12A says:

    I figure I’m going to retire at approximately the same time the coroner’s office comes to collect me from my office. I hope they pay me for my accumulated vacation time afterwards.

  3. Holiday says:

    I really do love ur nails. do u have to have nails to use them or are they stick on nails?

    • Laura says:

      You have to have nails, it’s just a small sheet of polish you lay over your own nails. And thanks, now if only some nail polish companies will notice!! Ha!

  4. Jeff needs to start wearing some of that rad nail polish. Maybe then he would understand, you know??

  5. Princess says:

    OMG I love that stuff, It is so FUN!

  6. BirdGurl says:

    aaaaaaaaaah…. Retire…….the next four years will surely be interesting for all of us……no matter what happens.

  7. I think you’re missing an opportunity here, Laura. You should be combining your shitty hand modeling pics with your Voodoo.
    Paint the nails full of Santeria curses: chickens, dolls, mojo bags–then send them to people like your broker. They’ll be putting all their own money in your account like yesterday, and it will be voluntary (heh).

  8. Jena says:

    You are a riot!!! And those nails RAWK!

  9. Jena says:

    Forgot to add “Arrrggg”.

  10. September Rose says:

    “Early Retirement?” any retirement would be great but “Early?” Damn girl, I want your broker to invest my $$.

  11. Cinder says:

    I wish I had a broker. I have not exactly planned for “old age” I kinda thought Id be dead by now. Damn it!

  12. Roxie says:

    Yarr! Iy tought Iy’d be retirin’ ta Davey Jones lockerrr long agooo, aaar! But Iy’m still here, curse Poseidon’s Trident!!!

  13. Heather G. says:

    I love that polish! Do they last a long time?

  14. Glen says:

    I am retired. And the 4 new tires cost a ton of moolah. And they didn’t look a thing like those cute nailey things you are wearing! Crap!! I gotta get a new keyboard. This one only speaks in Dumbass!!

  15. Nicole says:

    Yar… them be some fantastic nails, matey.

  16. Yabu says:

    On a bright note, I won two hundred bucks on a scratch off yesterday.

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