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And thou shall drinketh thy gin and eateth thy Circus Peanuts, so sayeth I. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I got ordained last week.

That’s right; I’m a pastor in The Church of the Latter-Day Dude. When I told J he was all “Umm, okay if you say so.” and I said “Seriously, the site said I could even marry people, but to check with my state’s laws first!” and J said “You won’t even go to a wedding, why do you want to marry people?” and I told him I wasn’t interested in marrying people, that’s just what the site said. No, what I wanted was to smite people into Hell, condemn their souls into eternal hellfire and damnation! And then I laughed a maniacal laugh. He was all ”Laura, sweetie, that’s God’s job, not a minister of some fake Internet church.” and I was all “DAMMIT!  That’s so not fair!” And he rolled his eyes and shrugged. Then I asked him if I could at least get people to tithe to me, and he said he doubted it since I had no real congregation and anyone who would follow me probably had already been forced to sign over their power of attorney to some sane, legal guardian. And then he laughed a maniacal laugh. Motherfucker.

55 Comments
 

55 Responses to And thou shall drinketh thy gin and eateth thy Circus Peanuts, so sayeth I.

  1. Jeffro says:

    ” He was all ”Laura, sweetie, that’s God’s job, not a minister of some fake Internet church.””

    I wouldn’t be so sure were I J. God works in mysterious ways, and you are clearly destined for the smiting for hire business. Just in case, I better send you a Benjamin. Or ten. I can see the need for some smiting for hire, with me doin’ the hiring, if you know what I mean and I think that you do (wink wink)!

  2. Louisiana Meredith says:

    Dammit, J, you religious Nazi! ;)

  3. MSgt B says:

    Where do you even get circus peanuts?
    I haven’t seen them on shelves in years.

    Do I have to put them on the little sword in the martini glass?

  4. Jess says:

    When you finally acquire a congregation, I want to film the first communion.

  5. Tea says:

    I haven’t seen circus peanuts in ages, and then last week I was bitching about Halloween stuff being out already (and I know it isn’t that early, I just lose track of time), and saw them. Immediately I thought of you and looked for gin and goats.

  6. Mark12A says:

    You need to make your baptisms naked. I always thought that was a bithing idea, but no one ever went along with me.

    Just refuse to baptise anyone who doesn’t look good naked. That way you keep infidels out of your church.

  7. Jena says:

    The commie nazi bastard! Practice your smiting skills on him first.

  8. zonker says:

    So say we all.

  9. Erik says:

    “I asked him if I could at least get people to tithe to me..”

    Not a good idea. Once you start taking money, you have to set up the non profit status and all that other stuff.

    Once, when I was starting a church, I had a guy give me 400 bucks. I wanted to make sure Mr Giving was OK with giving the money away, and that I would have to start up a church bank account and all the other stuff. He said it was OK and that he wanted to see it go to starting our youth group and other stuff. So I held onto the money for a week or two.
    After that another couple told me that Mr Giving shouldn’t have given me the money in the first place, and that I needed to give it back, so I did. Seems that Mr Giving was talking some trash behind me back as soon as he gave the money. Seems that Mr Giving’s real name was Mr Indian Giver(no offense to American Indians intended).

    All this to say that J is a Nazi and has no clue how gullible people can be. ;)

  10. Roxie says:

    Lawdy Laura! Holy Ledford!

  11. LyleLovett666 says:

    Seems like you might have to test out your smiting abilities on J.An example must be made if you hope to wield unlimited and unquestioned power,oh mighty one.

  12. Liz says:

    I’ll join your church!!

    Under one condition though (OK, two actually). . .
    You must use tequila for the “blood of Laura” (I don’t know who we’ll be praying to in your church so I’ll use YOU as the savior!) and bacon for the “body of Laura” when doing any sort of communion thingy (that’s the technical term you know).

    • Laura says:

      Well, my blood is mostly gin. As far as bacon, if I’m in the sun too long you can kinda get a whiff of bacon frying in the air, so that sounds about right.

  13. By the looks of your comment section, you already have quite a following, so let the smiting begin!! (there won’t be any kool-aid involved will there?)

  14. ExAFCrewDog says:

    Does your Church let you issue Fatwahs? (or whateverthehell they’re called) I got a few suggestions for you.

  15. Kim says:

    A Mighty Fortress is Our Shotglass
    Ave Sangria
    Deck the Walls with Dry Martinis

    Just some hymn music there for pre-service playing. I could do it on a xylophone.

  16. xul says:

    Smiting is very satisfying work.

  17. Elphaba says:

    I bet you could get more tithing converts if you make Jack the Pope of your church.

    Yes, Jack put me up to this.

  18. Jena says:

    You can also be like Moses and part the waves of hobos and dead hookers with a shotgun as you lead us….. where? Help me here…

  19. sablegsd says:

    You slay me.

  20. Ramone says:

    OK… the old lady dancing link made me throw up in my mouth.

  21. Yabu says:

    Church of the Poison Mind

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