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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 And thou shall drinketh thy gin and eateth thy Circus Peanuts, so sayeth I. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
That’s right; I’m a pastor in The Church of the Latter-Day Dude. When I told J he was all “Umm, okay if you say so.” and I said “Seriously, the site said I could even marry people, but to check with my state’s laws first!” and J said “You won’t even go to a wedding, why do you want to marry people?” and I told him I wasn’t interested in marrying people, that’s just what the site said. No, what I wanted was to smite people into Hell, condemn their souls into eternal hellfire and damnation! And then I laughed a maniacal laugh. He was all ”Laura, sweetie, that’s God’s job, not a minister of some fake Internet church.” and I was all “DAMMIT! That’s so not fair!” And he rolled his eyes and shrugged. Then I asked him if I could at least get people to tithe to me, and he said he doubted it since I had no real congregation and anyone who would follow me probably had already been forced to sign over their power of attorney to some sane, legal guardian. And then he laughed a maniacal laugh. Motherfucker.
” He was all ”Laura, sweetie, that’s God’s job, not a minister of some fake Internet church.””
I wouldn’t be so sure were I J. God works in mysterious ways, and you are clearly destined for the smiting for hire business. Just in case, I better send you a Benjamin. Or ten. I can see the need for some smiting for hire, with me doin’ the hiring, if you know what I mean and I think that you do (wink wink)!
I haven’t seen circus peanuts in ages, and then last week I was bitching about Halloween stuff being out already (and I know it isn’t that early, I just lose track of time), and saw them. Immediately I thought of you and looked for gin and goats.
“I asked him if I could at least get people to tithe to me..”
Not a good idea. Once you start taking money, you have to set up the non profit status and all that other stuff.
Once, when I was starting a church, I had a guy give me 400 bucks. I wanted to make sure Mr Giving was OK with giving the money away, and that I would have to start up a church bank account and all the other stuff. He said it was OK and that he wanted to see it go to starting our youth group and other stuff. So I held onto the money for a week or two.
After that another couple told me that Mr Giving shouldn’t have given me the money in the first place, and that I needed to give it back, so I did. Seems that Mr Giving was talking some trash behind me back as soon as he gave the money. Seems that Mr Giving’s real name was Mr Indian Giver(no offense to American Indians intended).
All this to say that J is a Nazi and has no clue how gullible people can be.
Wow. That wasn’t very Christian of him. Perhaps Mr.Giving will join my church where I’ll baptist him in the river with a 2×4. I mean, after his donation.
I don’t know what is more amazing…the fact that someone who “started a church” willingly admits to reading this blog or that I’ve “baptised” someone with a 2×4!
BTW How does one address you now? Honorable Dudette, Her Holiness, or Reverend Gin Mistress?
Seems like you might have to test out your smiting abilities on J.An example must be made if you hope to wield unlimited and unquestioned power,oh mighty one.
Under one condition though (OK, two actually). . .
You must use tequila for the “blood of Laura” (I don’t know who we’ll be praying to in your church so I’ll use YOU as the savior!) and bacon for the “body of Laura” when doing any sort of communion thingy (that’s the technical term you know).
Well, my blood is mostly gin. As far as bacon, if I’m in the sun too long you can kinda get a whiff of bacon frying in the air, so that sounds about right.
By the looks of your comment section, you already have quite a following, so let the smiting begin!! (there won’t be any kool-aid involved will there?)
” He was all ”Laura, sweetie, that’s God’s job, not a minister of some fake Internet church.””
I wouldn’t be so sure were I J. God works in mysterious ways, and you are clearly destined for the smiting for hire business. Just in case, I better send you a Benjamin. Or ten. I can see the need for some smiting for hire, with me doin’ the hiring, if you know what I mean and I think that you do (wink wink)!
I think 10 Benjamins sound about right. Amen.
Dammit, J, you religious Nazi!
He’s like a Judas Hitler.
Where do you even get circus peanuts?
I haven’t seen them on shelves in years.
Do I have to put them on the little sword in the martini glass?
Oh lawdy, they’re everywhere! You’ve just haven’t been looking! And yes, they can be used to accent your drink. Ha!
When you finally acquire a congregation, I want to film the first communion.
But you can’t film the baptisms ’cause if I convert some bitches I know, they’re not coming up for air.
That comment damn near ruined a keyboard.
Don’t waste a good drink or keyboard, so sayeth I.
Dude!!! That is a truth like no other.
Dude! Thanks.
I haven’t seen circus peanuts in ages, and then last week I was bitching about Halloween stuff being out already (and I know it isn’t that early, I just lose track of time), and saw them. Immediately I thought of you and looked for gin and goats.
It was like an omen.
You need to make your baptisms naked. I always thought that was a bithing idea, but no one ever went along with me.
Just refuse to baptise anyone who doesn’t look good naked. That way you keep infidels out of your church.
I meant “bitching”. No coffee so my brain is in park.
No coffee?! Blasphemer!
Only hit men allowed! I like that.
The commie nazi bastard! Practice your smiting skills on him first.
I will! Amen.
So say we all.
Amen. (Dude, drop me an email.)
“I asked him if I could at least get people to tithe to me..”
Not a good idea. Once you start taking money, you have to set up the non profit status and all that other stuff.
Once, when I was starting a church, I had a guy give me 400 bucks. I wanted to make sure Mr Giving was OK with giving the money away, and that I would have to start up a church bank account and all the other stuff. He said it was OK and that he wanted to see it go to starting our youth group and other stuff. So I held onto the money for a week or two.
After that another couple told me that Mr Giving shouldn’t have given me the money in the first place, and that I needed to give it back, so I did. Seems that Mr Giving was talking some trash behind me back as soon as he gave the money. Seems that Mr Giving’s real name was Mr Indian Giver(no offense to American Indians intended).
All this to say that J is a Nazi and has no clue how gullible people can be.
Wow. That wasn’t very Christian of him. Perhaps Mr.Giving will join my church where I’ll baptist him in the river with a 2×4. I mean, after his donation.
Nah. Just take his money then have his funeral. Problem solved.
You’ll be a deacon in my church.
I don’t know what is more amazing…the fact that someone who “started a church” willingly admits to reading this blog or that I’ve “baptised” someone with a 2×4!
BTW How does one address you now? Honorable Dudette, Her Holiness, or Reverend Gin Mistress?
Like always, “YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS.”
What is wrong with reading my blog?
Not a FUCKING thing, Your Royal Highness!
That’s better. Peace and gin be with you.
Lawdy Laura! Holy Ledford!
That could be the chorus of a hymn.
You know, songs are kind of like poems. And you *are* pretty good at the poetry…
I am at that…
Seems like you might have to test out your smiting abilities on J.An example must be made if you hope to wield unlimited and unquestioned power,oh mighty one.
I really should. Pull a Spanish Inquisition on his ass.
Psssh.. too nice… You need to pull a Tink’s Inquisition on his ass!
That’s too satanic.
I’ll join your church!!
Under one condition though (OK, two actually). . .
You must use tequila for the “blood of Laura” (I don’t know who we’ll be praying to in your church so I’ll use YOU as the savior!) and bacon for the “body of Laura” when doing any sort of communion thingy (that’s the technical term you know).
Well, my blood is mostly gin. As far as bacon, if I’m in the sun too long you can kinda get a whiff of bacon frying in the air, so that sounds about right.
By the looks of your comment section, you already have quite a following, so let the smiting begin!! (there won’t be any kool-aid involved will there?)
Just tonic with some gin.
Remember now, I reply in the comment section do be sure to divide that number in two!! Ha!
Does your Church let you issue Fatwahs? (or whateverthehell they’re called) I got a few suggestions for you.
What you call me?
No. I will not call them fatw?s. I will call them commandments.
A Mighty Fortress is Our Shotglass
Ave Sangria
Deck the Walls with Dry Martinis
Just some hymn music there for pre-service playing. I could do it on a xylophone.
You will be our music director.
Smiting is very satisfying work.
Indeed it is.
I bet you could get more tithing converts if you make Jack the Pope of your church.
Yes, Jack put me up to this.
Hell, he’d take over!
You can also be like Moses and part the waves of hobos and dead hookers with a shotgun as you lead us….. where? Help me here…
To Target. I like Target.
You slay me.
OK… the old lady dancing link made me throw up in my mouth.
Church of the Poison Mind