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Ugh. Why can’t we outsource our Mondays to India? | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

A co-worker walked in my office last week and placed this spam fax on my desk:

Co-worker: “Do you think this is legit? I really want to go on a cruise.”

Me: “Girl, you get on that boat and that’ll be the last we see of you.”

Co-worker: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “Because you’ll be waking up in some god-awful, mosquito-infested third-world country, in some dimly lit sty of a room, with one leg chained to a filthy cot that’s bolted to the floor, while one of your captors comes in and trains you with a cattle prod to say ‘Me love you long time’ as greasy, disgusting foreign men with hard-ons peer in at you.”

Co-worker: “Ha! You don’t know that!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is if it is a ‘Hostel’ type cruise where they just want to harvest, say, a kidney or something, and you wake up in a tub of ice on the promenade deck, or your empty shell is just thrown into the ocean as shark chum. But this is definitely the former ‘Me love you long time’ cruise. Definitely.”

Co-worker: “And just how do you know that?”

Me: ”It’s coded. See.” Writes on fax and hands it back to her and continues with my work.

56 Comments
 

56 Responses to Ugh. Why can’t we outsource our Mondays to India?

  1. Heather G. says:

    LOLOLOLOLOL! Love the music added to the pic!

    Happy Monday!

  2. Yabu says:

    Hell, they might outsource the whole week before long.

  3. September Lore says:

    Well, we got the same fax last week and we were looking at it like a few of us were gonna go….. not now!!!

  4. Ramone says:

    This is my first comment here but I felt the need. I used to work a cruise ship. These trips can be anything you want them to be. but sometime you can get in over your head if you are not careful. Do not travel alone and always be with someone or possible a few people on deck. Do not get friendly with the staff and definetly do not be rude to the staff. But you are correct in saying you could end up somewhere you really did not want to be. I read your stories every morning and enjoy your humor. you are funny lady. perhaps you should work on a cruise ship.

    • Laura says:

      IT’S A TRAP!!

      Thanks, Ramone, but I don’t like cruises.

    • Jena says:

      Care to share more? Stories? And a serious question (Not that u would EVER get me on a ship…) why “Do not get friendly with the staff”? The rest is obvious.

      • Laura says:

        I can answer that. There’s some shady-ass people from foreign lands on those ships. I was on cruise, on a ship owned by Royal Caribbean, an expensive uppity Norwegian owned line (it weren’t no Carnival line fer sure), and a young girl and her friend “partied” with some “cute” kitchen workers on there and the next thing you know they (the girls) are being airlifted off after being raped in the “belly of the ship” and the dudes were lead off in cuffs at the next port (Puerto Rico.) ALSO, one of my friends was drinking too much and barely escaped a simular fate. I would never in a million years travel via a cruise ship alone. But then again, I LOATHE cruises, so I’d never again travel on one period.

  5. Holiday says:

    GAWD Laura, you can even have fun with a stupid fax. You sure do keep them in line. you are so sensible. such insite.You crack me up girl!

  6. Jena says:

    Give it to the next newbie. This new one was the one you convinced them to hire someone, right? The next one can be set up to sacrifice to the BoB’s to take that cruise! (Or one secretly set up by you!!)

  7. Julia says:

    It says you will “receive an ocean front resort”. Sounds perfectly legit! I’ll take a 100 room hotel near white sand please. Oh, that’s a grammatical error? Yeah, I think I’ll pass. I like my internal organs.

  8. Jess says:

    Let’s see: $129 per person, which equates to the fuel cost for transportation. Since there’s no money left for the other activities, it’s down to “Gas, Ass or Grass – Nobody Rides for Free”

  9. Alison says:

    Lawd, we’ve been getting those dang things for years. One guy in our office called the 800 number just for shits and giggles, and got some foreign lady–this is how she answered the phone: “Reservations! How many booking please?” And that’s all she would say, even as he asked her the name of the company, etc.

    Seems legit.

  10. Cinder says:

    Very funny.. I am really looking forward though, to the SPIDER. (did we ever name her) with Halloween coming I am only assuming we will see her again? I am hoping we will.

  11. Mark12A says:

    I never thought of that. I mean, I might need a kidney someday. What’s your tissue type, and can you send me a DNA sample? I mean, just for fun…

  12. untbunny says:

    Sounds like you work with Bunch O Stupid Bitches instead of BoB. Might be time to change their title.

  13. Erik says:

    I hate getting those calls. You know that they are trying to sell you a timeshare or something like that. When I have someone I know return from one of these things saying how much they enjoyed it and all, then I may consider it – like hell.

    We went to a timeshare presentation once. I wanted to knock the dude down, as soon as we got our restaurant passes. He was SO rude, after he figured out that we weren’t gonna buy. Cause telling them a dozen times that you won’t buy – JUST.DOESN’T.SEEM.TO.SINK.IN.

    • Laura says:

      I could think of nothing worse than having to listen to a sales pitch for a free trip. I’d be all “Here take a kidney, just leave me alone.”

      • Cheryl Lundgren says:

        When we were first married and very, very poor (food stamp poor) we went to Vegas with friends on $50. We were stupid and swayed by the promise of free food and show tickets to actually go to one of those presentations. I will never forget it – Rotunda by Ed McMahon himself. A lovely community to be built on the hurricane coast of Florida. First thing they did was separate us from our friends. Imagine our surprise when from across the room the first buyers were…..our friends!! They totally screwed us on the show tickets afterwards – we did get some buffet tickets. When we got outside our friends assured us that they too told the salesperson how broke they were and that’s when he announced their “purchase”. I still hate Ed McMahon to this day and I think he’s dead.

  14. Roxie says:

    That, and you have prizes waiting for you from a sweepstakes you never entered! Call this number NOW!!!

  15. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    Awwww. My little ray of sunshine on a Monday morning!

    Why are you trying to save one of the Bunch O’Bitches? Let her book the cruise to Ho Land. One less Bitch to worry about.

  16. Jeffro says:

    We luv you card credit long time yes.

  17. Liz says:

    Really? Who thinks these things are legit? Was this a 15-year-old? Wait, that’d break child labor laws wouldn’t it? Anyway. . . I can assure you, your explination was spot on. HA!

  18. I think Ramone wins comment of the day.

    • Laura says:

      He wants me to work on a cruise ship! He must think I’m 1) fast at cutting out internal organs 2) have no problem selling people into white slavery. Hmmm..he may have a point.

  19. Nicole says:

    Lawd. I love cruises and I love travel but even I, as desperate as I get for travel money, would never, ever even think about taking up an offer like that. Scary to know that there are folks out there who would, but for the compassion of friends to warn them.

  20. Jan says:

    Mondays? They can have the whole zarking workweek!

  21. nora says:

    I peed and spit caffine…how do you get the music attached???????

  22. Yeah, the “Non-Motorized Water Sports” thing kinda jumped out at me, too. Yeesh, they just need to stick in a facetious “Voluntary” to complete the hellish picture.

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