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Sometimes I exaggerate, but not this time. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Fall is coming. Want to know how I know? Other than the temperature dropping to below 100 degrees this week, I know it’s coming because once again my house has turned into the epicenter of Arachnid Hell on Earth. That’s right, spiders. Satan’s Foot Soldiers. They’re all up in this place and I’m freaking the fuck out. I know you’re probably thinking “Oh Laura for crap’s sake, they’re just wee, little spiders.” and to that I say “Oh yeah? This look like a wee, little spider to you?”

That big motherfucker was in my shower. IN. MY. SHOWER. I screamed and ran, grabbed a camera for documentation, and then literally had to kill it with a baseball bat. Then when I tried to dispose of the carcass by burying it in the backyard next to the dead hookers, because a tissue just wasn’t enough, I saw this:

That giant sonsabitch was 20 times larger than the tub spider, which would make him like the size of, well, twenty elephants. Now, I know something about this here spider. It’s an Orb Spider, like Charlotte was in “Charlotte’s Web”, and like Charlotte, they build elaborate, fancy webs. Legend has it if they learn your name, they will weave it into their web and you’ll die the next day.

Now excuse me while I go pass “Charlotte” a little note.

P.S. The spiders threw me off my game. There is no food pic today for National Irritate a Food Pic Hater Food Pic Posting Week or NIAFPHFPPW for short. I am easily distracted, it’s like I …

76 Comments
 

76 Responses to Sometimes I exaggerate, but not this time.

  1. Yabu says:

    I’m digging these cooler temps, and the acorns have started falling. By the time they stop, they’ll be about a hundred thousand of ‘em on the Stretchengetti.

  2. Princess says:

    OMG… I remember this situation last year. It was HORRIBLE… I swear your current dwelling is located on the top of an ancient spider burial ground. Creepy.

  3. Jess says:

    That’s upsetting, but even more upsetting is that T-Rex didn’t save you from the attack of the killer spiders. You might have to cut back on his food and demand he do something more than sit by the pool and catch some sun.

  4. Chase Me says:

    That orb spider is really cool. makes me want to read Charlotte’s Web again. Its been a hundred years since I have even heard reference to that book. Took me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back.

  5. Jena says:

    I LOL’d all over that! And YES your trauma brings me immense enjoyment.

  6. Carter says:

    “Bunch a Bitches” HHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!

  7. Alison says:

    We had an orb weaver blocking access to the hose spigot most of the summer. I left it there, ’cause at least then I knew where it was. Last weekend I noticed it was gone. Uh oh.

  8. Roxie says:

    In my basement there are several spiderwebs, with bug carcasses lying all around them. So, on the one hand we have spiders, but on the other they eat all the bugs.

  9. Amber says:

    OMG! i fucking HATE spiders! too many legs!!! too many eyes! and they’re always lurking! evil bunch o’bitches!

  10. September Lore says:

    Good Lord When do you get to move out of HellMouth? cus if they are there when you’re showering they are there when your sleeping.. just sayin…

  11. Erik says:

    I love Fall, but it only seems to last about a week here. We had chili and cornbread for dinner last night – thats what the weather was like.

    Spiders I hate. HATE. HATE. Why would anyone like them?

    Went into a pet store and they have all kinds of things at this particular one – including BIG ASS Tarantulas. There was one in a container that was hiding up in the top corner of his cage. I just knew that if I asked to see it, that the pet people would have opened the container and the damn thing would have jumped out and bit me.

    Alas, you will never see a pic on my blog with a big cuddly spider….

  12. Mark12A says:

    Holy shit. That yellow-butted spider, which was clearly as big as twenty elephants, must’ve been on some ginormous jurassic tree with leaves the size of aircraft carriers. Because I KNOW you wouldn’t ever exaggerate.

    I mean, being a spider scientist and all.

  13. Cheryl Lundgren says:

    I’ve often wondered about the Bunch O’Bitches. Apparently they don’t read your blog.

    Hahahahahahahahaha.

  14. Ely North says:

    We have spiders all over the place too. The worst part is, my wife won’t let me kill them. In her culture, spiders are good luck. Can you believe that? So far none in the shower though, so I guess I’m lucky.

  15. xul says:

    When I was a kid, we’d get what my parents referred to as “house spiders” in the basement. I think they were called that because they were the size of a house. The first time I ever saw one I thought I was literally going to die of a heart attack. I flipped on the light and Shelob was hanging out there on the wall. And those bitches were fast and they would try to jump on you. Made the palmetto bugs seem like child’s play.

  16. ExAFCrewDog says:

    I once saw one of those Orb summbitches. Scared the crap outta me! Summbitch had his death trap all spun across a bush and hooked up to the eave. I ran to the garage and grabbed a spray can from my Anti-crawly Things Arsenal. Sprayed that fucker til he shriveled up. Even shriveled he was kinda gi-normous.

    You ever seen a Writing Spider? Another bigass arachnid. Does a squiggly thing in his web/death trap. Looks like some kind of code writing. Probably one of those Federally mandated warning signs his lawyer told him to put up and keep his ass out of court and law suits after he pounces on and kills some unsuspecting human. Beat that summbitch to squishiness with a shovel.

    The only good thing I ever found about Palmetto bugs was the reaction of out-of-town folks the first time one of those Kamikaze’s from Satan took off and swooped down on the visitor. WTF! doesn’t begin to describe their reaction/fright/horror! Good for a laugh, though.

    This weekend I’ll be doing my annual “Spider-and-other-crawlie-shit Preventative Spraying” around my perimeter. No way a body can be too careful.

    • Laura says:

      I run and scream from a Plametto Bug and I’m not an out-of-towner. They disgust me beyond words. It is fun though watching the tourist see a Palmetto Bug for the first time and also watching the reaction of a northerner meeting our fire ants.

  17. SB Smith says:

    The only spiders I let live in the house if I come across them is, we call them jumping spiders…but they’re very small. I’ve never had one jump on me. If you looked down on one, and measured across from leg edge to leg edge, they are only a half inch across. Fuzzy and solid black except for a little blue and green iridescence on the top of their one section body.
    When one of the black widows we were keeping in an old glass mayo jar (one at a time) laid an egg sack, I sealed the air holes with tape and took it down to TAMU’s Entomology Dept. thinking maybe they’d want them or let them dispose of them…and the guy took the lid off and set it on his desk ! I kept eyeing it and he casually said “Black widows never leave their web.”
    I thought “Ok, buddy, it’s your desk…”
    *
    Here’s a fascinating book. Part of it is a diary kept by a researcher after deliberately getting a black widow to bite him. If your general health is good, a black widow bite won’t kill you, but You’re Going To Be Afraid You Aren’t Going To Die !
    Also fascinating stories about other bugs/critters – tarantula,mantid,rattlesnake and others.
    Fun and educational!
    “The Red Hourglass: Lives of the Predators” by Gordon Grice:
    http://www.amazon.com/Red-Hourglass-Lives-Predators/dp/0385318901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347682403&sr=1-1&keywords=the+red+hourglass

    • Laura says:

      What the hell were you doing keeping a Black Widow in a jar? Was it to use on your enemy later? ‘Cause I could understand that.

      I’ll have to check out that book. Thanks!

      • SB Smith says:

        My J. would be outside moving something around and discover a Black Widow underneath. This was when Kraft mayo was in big glass jars. J. would bring it in in a container and we’d put twigs and leaves in the glass jar and put her in it. Not for any enemies,..heh heh.. but very educational. I used a section of solar screen for the top, held on with a rubber band around the neck. J. always named them Matilda but I have no idea why. We kept her in this elevated, big kitchen sink window we have. J. would catch flies and other small bugs on the porch and put a few of them in her jar, alive. Often she would wrap them up and eat them (or whatever) later. We just sprayed a mist of water in the jar a couple of times a week for moisture. I think we had about 5 different Matilda’s. We’re on 5 acres about 3 miles outside city limits.

        • Laura says:

          You could rent them out. Just sayin’…

          • Cheryl Lundgren says:

            You people are friggin’ nuts! I go out with my broom and my chihuahua about 1/2 hour before dawn and kill all the black widows I can find. As for them leaving their webs, where did the genius get that information? We had an infestation in our garage and in the fall when my dad opened the garage door (old flip up kind) the hugest black widow I ever saw dropped to the ground and charged him with both of her front feet up. She meant business. Thankfully my dad stomped the crap out of her! The only good black widow is a dead black widow. And as for leaving their web, explain the ones that I find walking down my hallway. There are apparently out of their webs.

  18. sablegsd says:

    Thanks for the laughs. I’m off to google palmetto bugs.

  19. Jena says:

    The only 2 things I hate about this time of year is the joint pain from weather changes andFUCKING CRICKETS!!!! I never knew they had a smell until I was once IN Arkansas with my family and here in my town in Texas! There is not an inch space between them. They are just getting started. Maybe I will get a pic of now and when they get REAL BAD. The smell…

    • Laura says:

      I kept crickets to feed my chameleon Mel. They do stink something awful. BUT I can touch a cricket, that doesn’t bother me. I used to hold one as my lizard would snatch it from me with his tongue. That being said, I wouldn’t want a swarm on me. I wouldn’t want a swarm of anything on me unless it was a swarm of cloned George Clooneys.

  20. In my old home in Indiana, we lived surrounded by fields. In the fall, the farmers would mow hay and drive every mouse from the field, into my house. The spiders rode in on their backs. I welcome the alligators in Florida compared to things that can sneak up on you or drop from the ceiling into your bra.

  21. Kim says:

    That there argiope spider, the orb dude? Imagine, if you will, walking into the garage back door not realizing that it had set up its loom.

    I’m not shitting you.

  22. CGHill says:

    Not to denigrate the Palmetto State’s finest and most ferocious arachnids, but one day here on the prairie, I had to take a farking pitchfork to some hairy eight-legged bastard that was taking up an enormous percentage of my front porch.

    Said bastard survived past the second stab, too.

  23. Hmm, so y’all dislike spiders. How do you feel about Mondays & lasagne?

  24. Jess says:

    Damned if I didn’t almost run through an orb spider web while cutting the yard. It must have weighed 20 pounds and was trying to entice the dog into the web.

    It took two rounds of triple ought buck and a machete to finish it off. I’ll have to drink scotch the rest of the afternoon to recover.

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