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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 Driving Phobia #184 | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
A couple of weeks ago, I picked up my friend Amy and we went to Charleston to do some shopping. Now, anyone who’s ever been to Charleston, South Carolina knows there’s only one thing worse than the traffic on those narrow streets meant for horse and buggy, and that’s the parking. Once we arrived we drove forever looking for a parking spot. Seriously. I kept doing circles down even narrower cobblestone alleys to back-track and look for an ideal spot. After about thirty minutes of this Amy yelled “Look! There’s one!” and she pointed to a spot up ahead. Fuck. I said all calm and cool, ”Nah Amy, let’s look for something closer” and I kept driving. Then after another twenty minutes I found a parking garage that wasn’t full only because it charged out the ass about a half mile from the stores.
Why did I do this you ask? Well, because parking in the spot she pointed out meant I would have to parallel park, and for me there’s only one thing I hate worse (drive-wise that is) than driving in unfamiliar territory and that’s parallel parking. Well, okay to be totally honest I don’t even know if I actually hate it because I HAVEN’T PARALLEL PARKED SINCE MY DRIVER’S LICENSE ROAD TEST. That’s right, my name is Laura and I don’t parallel park. And I’ll never, ever try because I know for a fact that THIS would be the result if I ever did:
Just like this except there'd be more fire, wreckage, and carnage.
Now go ahead and feel all smug and superior because you can. I am saving lives by not parallel parking, and THAT makes me a fucking hero.
A State Trooper gave me the road test. And when I parallel parked, after making about 50 moves, he looked at me and said “What kind of fuckery was that?” I just laughed and smiled a shit eating grin.
You? Drove not only “TO” Charleston but “AROUND” Charleston? WTF! you been holdin out on us…. If you can drive in Charleston you can drive ANYWHERE… Jigs up chickie.. Hhahhahhahahahhaha!
I COMPLETELY understand…LOL! Now you know why i moved to Manhattan…up here we don’t even DRIVE…much less park. I particularly like your most excellent rendering…I think it’s one of your best efforts!!
Why the heck were you driving in downtown Cha’stown? Just park at the Visitors Center and take the free tra-la-la-lolly down.
Plus, on the street where the trolley stop is, (John St.?) there’s a fan-freaking-tabulous French Bakery. On second thought, forget the trolley, just hang out at the bakery all damn day.
I don’t know if my driving test person just forgot, or what, but I never had to parallel park on my driving test! I’m glad, too, because I would have failed!
HAHAHA. My roommate back in the day…used to double park her car in the street and run up to the apartment and tell me she was home so I could go paralle park her car. She didn’t know how to pump gas either and would drive clear to the other side of town (30 miles) to get gas because that was the ONLY full service station in town.
Why not get a Chevy Volt? You could have all the flames and carnage without even having to parallel park.
Then you could sue for the extreme emotional distress caused by the incendiary loss of your back seat full of gin and circus peanuts.
A jury would give you billion$.
I detest the Government Motors Chevy Volt. What a complete waste of tax payer’s money. I was in DC in April and I saw several Volts every morning. And not a damned one of them with civilian tags! Every one of them driven by a government paper pusher. Oh, now my blood pressure is rising…
I never learned to parallel park and in Tennessee, it wasn’t on the test so yay for me. I’ve been known to stop in the street and get out of the car so a parallel-parking type person could park my car for me. Only when desperate though!
You are not alone in this issue….. The Royal Highlander is only parallel parked if Redbeard is driving. I got my license in 1986 and have not parallel parked since then! Unite!
I flunked parahell parking but the kind DMV guy let me get a license anyway.
And in the following 35 years, I have never attempted it again. I would park several streets over and haul 2 boys and a diaper bag rather than suffer the humiliation.
rick’s probably got a Ford Excursion. They’re slightly bigger than Suburbans, but they don’t sell many any more.
I can parallel park but not if it’s extremely tight.
I hate to park that way also and avoid it cause some jackass may come along before you get back to your car who’s parked so close you can’t get out. It’s a giant pain in the Ass.
Someone makes a car that can parallel park itself.
I don’t remember who makes it, though.
Seriously !
Parallel parking was invented by a cruel engineer that failed at designing automobiles and was known as the dumbass that wanted to build cars with two steering wheels.
After he landed a new job as a traffic engineer, he was known to mutter: “So who’s the dumbass now?”
Sean can park, parallel and drive anything like a boss! He used to race cars(Fast and Furious)on mountains with no guard rails back in his days in Japan.
I had an idea for a joke about testing your parking skills for your driver’s license, and the punchline had a comment about bringing Judy the Whore along to the DMV. It may come together eventually. But now I’m watching rugby and I need more tequila.
There are cars that will parallel park for you now. No more excuses.
I enjoy reading your blogs. Living in northern MN must be like being in the military – we can camp and survive in the wilderness on pancakes, fish and beer.
Well you could get one of those dumb smart cars or scion IQ (think 90) and just park it in front first cause they are shorter than most american cars are wide. But then if you get into a freeway argument with a semi, you can kiss your sweet ass goodbye. Joy…
Parallel parking is much easier if you drive an old beat up dump truck, or a wrecker. Easiest way to make more room.
Oh, I’d love that.
I’m in the same boat you are. I was even slightly too far away on my test, but the lady giving me the test liked me so she didn’t make me redo.
A State Trooper gave me the road test. And when I parallel parked, after making about 50 moves, he looked at me and said “What kind of fuckery was that?” I just laughed and smiled a shit eating grin.
You? Drove not only “TO” Charleston but “AROUND” Charleston? WTF! you been holdin out on us…. If you can drive in Charleston you can drive ANYWHERE… Jigs up chickie.. Hhahhahhahahahhaha!
Oh, I can drive most anywhere, but do you want to get there 1)in one piece 2)without PTSD?
You are so brave.Charleston itself is challenge.
All of SC is.
My driving test guy told me I was the only person that scored perfect in parallel parking.
I stopped with perfection
La tee freakin’ da. I’m still a hero.
God Damn you crack me up…..
I am glad you can laugh at my fears. Ha!
I COMPLETELY understand…LOL! Now you know why i moved to Manhattan…up here we don’t even DRIVE…much less park. I particularly like your most excellent rendering…I think it’s one of your best efforts!!
When I was 16 I actually thought about living there so that I wouldn’t have to parallel park! Seriously.
Girl, Chucktown is an awesome place to pop some tags at the Goodwill Store.
)
Ha! The last tine I was in Goodwill a lady threw a hanger at me. True story.
Why the heck were you driving in downtown Cha’stown? Just park at the Visitors Center and take the free tra-la-la-lolly down.
Plus, on the street where the trolley stop is, (John St.?) there’s a fan-freaking-tabulous French Bakery. On second thought, forget the trolley, just hang out at the bakery all damn day.
Macaroon Boutique, 45 John Street. GO THERE.
I have been there!! Oh my God….
Oh my God, I don’t have the patience for a trolley, nor to put up with passengers. And yes, I know the Macaron Boutique!
Parallel parking is like eating wedding cake. If you’re lucky you only have to do it once. Regardless of the result!!
I have been very lucky indeed.
Use some of your hand modeling money to buy one of those cars that parallel parks itself. Problem solved. Heck, even Thelma could park one of those.
Dont think I haven’t looked at them!
I don’t know if my driving test person just forgot, or what, but I never had to parallel park on my driving test!
I’m glad, too, because I would have failed!
Oh man. I lost sleep worrying about that parking in the test.
HAHAHA. My roommate back in the day…used to double park her car in the street and run up to the apartment and tell me she was home so I could go paralle park her car. She didn’t know how to pump gas either and would drive clear to the other side of town (30 miles) to get gas because that was the ONLY full service station in town.
Now, I’ll pump my own gas, but won’t touch anything in the engine. I will not raise the hood.
You ARE kidding right? You wont touch anything in the engine?
Unless George Clooney was in there somewhere.
Why not get a Chevy Volt? You could have all the flames and carnage without even having to parallel park.
Then you could sue for the extreme emotional distress caused by the incendiary loss of your back seat full of gin and circus peanuts.
A jury would give you billion$.
You’re my new life coach.
I detest the Government Motors Chevy Volt. What a complete waste of tax payer’s money. I was in DC in April and I saw several Volts every morning. And not a damned one of them with civilian tags! Every one of them driven by a government paper pusher. Oh, now my blood pressure is rising…
Simmah down nah.
I never learned to parallel park and in Tennessee, it wasn’t on the test so yay for me. I’ve been known to stop in the street and get out of the car so a parallel-parking type person could park my car for me. Only when desperate though!
I should start rolling down my window and holler for such s person. Bet they’d just steal my car though. Ha!
I can parallel park with the best of them. But, I’m not going to gloat over your fear. Well, maybe just a little bit.
But, I refuse to put gas in my own car. I know how but that’s my husband’s job. That’s what I hired him for. HA!
I am still a hero. A hero who pumps her own gas! Ha!
You are not alone in this issue….. The Royal Highlander is only parallel parked if Redbeard is driving. I got my license in 1986 and have not parallel parked since then! Unite!
YES! Non-Parallel Parkers United!
I just usually make my own parking spot. Alot easier that way.
Do you drive a tank or a Hummer?
Ford F-250 and a Harley Dyna Glide.
With a cattle catcher on the front?
Snort. You da bestest Laura. Just like my daughter, but different. My daughter loves goats too.
Oh, why thank you. I like to think I live in a world where everyone likes goats AND NOT TO EAT EITHER.
LOL! OMG I love that rendering! It’s how I feel driving downtown!
Downtown sucks too.
I flunked parahell parking but the kind DMV guy let me get a license anyway.
And in the following 35 years, I have never attempted it again. I would park several streets over and haul 2 boys and a diaper bag rather than suffer the humiliation.
You’re probably a hero too like me.
rick’s probably got a Ford Excursion. They’re slightly bigger than Suburbans, but they don’t sell many any more.
I can parallel park but not if it’s extremely tight.
I hate to park that way also and avoid it cause some jackass may come along before you get back to your car who’s parked so close you can’t get out. It’s a giant pain in the Ass.
Someone makes a car that can parallel park itself.
I don’t remember who makes it, though.
Seriously !
Lexus does. Maybe a few more do by now. I need one.
Then there are those who cannot drive a stick – so you ain’t the only one challenged by certain driving skilz.
Oh, and I can parallel park a semi. Thought you’d wanna know that.
I would wipe out a whole city trying to parallel park a semi.
I had a 1964 Chev Impala with arm strong steering and brakes for my test. Gave my dad fits practicing lol. Had it right the first time
BRAGGER! I’m still a hero. Ha!
Parallel parking was invented by a cruel engineer that failed at designing automobiles and was known as the dumbass that wanted to build cars with two steering wheels.
After he landed a new job as a traffic engineer, he was known to mutter: “So who’s the dumbass now?”
Sonsabitch.
Sean can park, parallel and drive anything like a boss! He used to race cars(Fast and Furious)on mountains with no guard rails back in his days in Japan.
I raced in the mountains of Kentucky, but I still can’t park worth a shit. Ha!
I had an idea for a joke about testing your parking skills for your driver’s license, and the punchline had a comment about bringing Judy the Whore along to the DMV. It may come together eventually. But now I’m watching rugby and I need more tequila.
Try gin.
I don’t blame you. Parallel parking is tricky. I just happen to be an EXPERT in the skill, but I still don’t blame you.
There are cars that will parallel park for you now. No more excuses.
I enjoy reading your blogs. Living in northern MN must be like being in the military – we can camp and survive in the wilderness on pancakes, fish and beer.
Well, who couldn’t? Ha!
I LOVE Minnesota. Seriously.
Ford makes some good vehicles that parallel park themselves, and they’re much cheaper than Lexi. (Plural for Lexus.)
It’s so cool. Just pull up by your spot and take your hand-modeling hands off the wheel. Awesome.
Now if they will just start making them with Death Ray Guns too.
Well you could get one of those dumb smart cars or scion IQ (think 90) and just park it in front first cause they are shorter than most american cars are wide. But then if you get into a freeway argument with a semi, you can kiss your sweet ass goodbye. Joy…
I don’t wanna die via semi!