Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
About three years ago I started writing about my insane neighbor, who I named Crazy Betty, after she left this psychotic, religious-fueled letter on my door:
And because I’m pretty good at translating crazy because I’m practically a crazy scientist, here’s what it said:
neighbor
Is there any particaler reason that you are ?(illegible) my business, other than to be noisy. You will never see a man come out of my house. because I’m not married to any so I’m not keeping with any if someone is breaking in my house that’s when you mind my business. Who you’re trying to watch me for. the blood of Jesus is against them.
mind your own business
Myors
What set Crazy Betty off you ask? Well, Jack did by looking out the windows of the sun room on the side of the house that faces hers:
I wrote about how Crazy Betty would stand in her front yard and yell at people walking by, threatening to call the police on them, how she once set her house on fire, and how the police were constantly at her house. I wrote about her posting no trespassing signs all over her yard and dragging a sofa out to her front yard and sitting in it while warning people to stay off her property or the Blood of Jesus would smite them. And she did ALL of this while wearing a babydoll nightie, usually a leopard print see-thru, braless, and with rollers in her hair like in this rendered I rendered for y’all of her mowing her yard bi-yearly:
I hadn’t written about her in a while, because she basically just kept doing the same thing over and over and over and it got boring. Then this past Saturday, while J was in the house watching television, I took Jack outside and noticed movement over at Crazy Betty’s house. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked over there and I rushed Jack back into the house so I could tell J. This is that conversation:
Me: “I think Crazy Betty’s been murdered.”
J: “What?”
Me: “There’s a crime scene van over there and they’re taking rugs out. Probably for blood splatter testing.”
J gets up and looks out the window at Crazy Betty’s house.
J: “Laura, that’s a moving van. She’s just moving.”
Me: “You remember this day the way you want to remember it, and I’ll remember it the way I want to.”
DING DONG! THE PSYCHO’S GONE!
P.S. By the Blood of Jesus, I hope she didn’t move to my new neighborhood. Amen.
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65 Responses to Alas, poor Crazy Betty, I knew her well.
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Oh my! I remember Crazy Betty! Great artist’s rendering by the way, you should consider working for CSI.
I know! I applied!
Sorry to break this to you Laura but remember telling us how it took you two years to purchase the new house? Crazy Betty was living in the house laying in wait for you. You upset her plans by remodeling first. You really didn’t think the furniture in the new house was from the old owners did you? Or the dishes on the table and stove? You threw out her furniture and now she is replenishing with her stuff!
By the blood of Jesus I belive you’ve been duped!
Noooooooooooo! You mean a bought a house of crazy?
Well, that sounds about right.
OH, say it ain’t so. I originally came here for the Crazy Betty stories and I would desperately hope each day for a new CB tale.
Oh the humanity.
I don’t know how I’ll continue on not knowing what happens to Crazy Betts.
I must go now. Go now. Goodbye Betty. We hardly knew ye.
It will be difficult, but somehow we must all go on.
I feel the same way. Maybe Laura, you could use your super secrety tracking skills and stalk her. She’s going to think you are doing that regardless. Might as well have stories for us. And pictures.
I bet she will always think I’m following her. Or Jack is. Crazy don’t know no better.
OH LORD! She is following you! No wait, I saw the picture you put up of the new neighborhood…. She is not following you!
Yeah, I kinda don’t think so either.
sniff.. sniff… I’m really gonna miss her… sniff! I loved the crazxy Betty stories… really.
Watch what you say, she may move next door to you!
Maybe she is moving to a NUT HOUSE! Are they having a yard sale?
No, she packed all her crazy with her.
I for one, am gonna miss those renderings. They were the best. I hope you have a “crazy” in your new neighborhood. I cant wait to hear. It may take a while to find them. Im sure it will be worth the wait.
I’m kind of thinking I may be the next crazy in that neighborhood. What with a baby goat, a daisy bike, and shooting hobos and all.
I must agree on that point. Sorry.
Doxies have the “LOOK” down. Of course you know that.
So did Betty . Ha!
She might be one of those “telephone” people. You’ve seen them; walking down the street in an animate conversation with nobody – except maybe they are.
How do we know they aren’t talking to that crazy bastard that walks down the street in Australia seemingly talking to nobody?
Maybe she’s moving to Australia. You can only hope.
Poor Australia!
OH my.. everyone seems to be moving out of your old neighborhood.. whats up with that? have you actually seen CB lately? Maybe she is dead and they are taking all her stuff to a “His House” to donate. Isn’t it just killing you to know whats up… we want to know whats up with CB?
Not really. She’s gone, and that’s all that matters.
Wait, wait…she’smoving??
But you had planned to move first!! NO FAIR!!!
She beat me out of here that bitch!
I hope she isn’t moving across the street from this really cool house with the awesome brick fence & pool with possible dead hookers.
Might have to add one crazy-ass hooker to the pool!
Tell J to STHU… that’s a crime scene van!!!!
He’s a ruiner of dreams!
I don’t have any neighbors, crazy or otherwise. Well, I planted a bamboo hedge on one property line so I don’t know what’s over there. No goats, for sure.
You seem to have all the fun.
You need goats.Lots of goats.
If that is how she dressed to sit on her front porch, I bet she was just AMAZING when she decided to leave the house. Alas, now she’s gone – probably murdered in her sleep by slasher zombies.
Or OD’ed on crazy.
Oh she was a fashion icon for the hood indeed.
Oh God! I think I’ve seen her here in Vegas! Is she about 90 with thick blue eye shadow and red lipstick? She was hanging on the corner waiting for a bus with her new boyfriend and a lovely matching leopard hat and jacket. She was styling!!
Ha! Well now, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas so hopefully she’ll stay there. Welcome to my nightmare.
Actually I’m gonna ask her for a roll of nickels and hit the casinos with her. I do crazy well.
She could bring you luck. Or kill you and wear your skin to a Wayne Newton concert.
Why split hairs about murder/moving.It’s pretty much a given that if your murdered you will be moving.Could be to the coroners office or a shallow grave in the woods.Perhaps submerged in a swamp or to a medical institute to help enrich the minds of future doctors.If you’re really lucky you end up as one of the secret ingredients in the CFA Banana Pudding Milk Shake.I’ve said too much.
I knew they were delicious for a reason! Spiked with crazy!
Or perhaps in a slime-covered pool at a vacant house…
Damn if she moves over near your new Leadfordshire Estate, hiring the non-English-speaking poolboys will be much more difficult.
I don’t think case-hardened gigolos could look at that and maintain their…standards…and third-world rookies wouldn’t have a chance.
Hahaha! And who the hell wants poolboys with no standards!
I think I saw Betty on the news, eating at CFL.
In her nightie?
Oh, Noes! No more Crazy Betty tales!
BTW, your conversation with J has caused me to yet again burst into hyena-style laughter while at work. Please rescue me when they finally commit my ass!
You just might meet Betty there!
Amen.
Tis a sad day when blog material moves away.
HAHA! Ain’t it though!
Best Rendering Everrrrr. A fitting sendoff for Her Royal Craziness. I wonder…if they did DNA tests on those rugs, and found the blood of Jesus, would the ensuing crash of science and religion make the Earth fall into the sun?
I don’t know, but we can talk about it over a Chick-fil-A Banana Pudding Milkshake, oh wait , NO WE CAN’T.
So now the aliens have learned to disguise their spacecraft to look like Crime Scene Vans. That way nobody thinks about the blood and stuff as they go around abducting and laser tagging and such. Well if you want to see Ole Betty again you need to look up at the night sky. That’s where she went!!
I don’t want to see her again!
Mind your own business…heh..heh..hehhhh!
Ha!
A careful examination of the signature gives us a clue…Meyers!! Could it be?? Were you living next door to Mike Meyers Mother??? Well break out the hockey mask and machete. Good thing you moved!!
I havent moved yet! And she knows where I live!!!! (listens for that Halloween muzak.)
Well you always wanted a theme song for your life didn’t you?? Too bad it had to come from a grade Z horror flic with no lighting budget. Could have been worse. If you had been assaulted by a Great White Shark your theme song might have had only 2 notes.
HAHa!
Was she elderly ? Maybe she passed on.
Or maybe she wrote a local psychiatrist a letter and it didn’t make any more sense than the one she sent you, which resulted in her getting sent to the loony bin.
I gotta admit I’m curious to know where she is going, too….assuming she’s alive.
Did you ever see any family visit her ?
If she was elderly, maybe she moved in with some relatives somewhere….God help them.
I’ll bet Jack knows what happened to her, but he ain’t talkin’ – it’s top secret.
No, she wasn’t elderly. I never really looked over there for fear of setting her off on a paranoid-filled rant. I bet Jack knows and he ain’t telling.
I want one of those power wheels !!!!
ME TOO!
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
I’m just glad she’s gone.