Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Two years ago I saw a spectacular house in an idyllic neighborhood and I started to dream of baby goats and daisy bikes. It took my legal team (Read: one cross-eyed paralegal with ADD) two years to finally make that dream a reality due to tax liens, a family feud, and murder. Okay, I made up the murder part, but the rest is true. Kind of. Well, maybe the tax thingy is.
Anyway, this spectacular house has been abandoned for years and although it needs surprisingly few repairs, it needs a complete remodel and the yard has overgrown into a jungle wildlife perserve, complete with turtles in the pool. Oh, and the family that lived in it previously left ALL their stuff, like out of a movie where you walk into a house and there are dishes on the table and pots on the stove. Just like that. This week my crew of workers and I (Read: three big dudes with a truck and me supervising and fanning myself) have sorted through the stuff for an estate sale later. We (Read: they) cut back the forest of a yard, and ripped out all the carpeting in the house. I would show you pictures of the complete outside of the house, because it’s da bomb, but this is the Internet and I don’t want that “murder” part to come back and haunt me. Instead, I will show abstract sections of “before” photos until you’re all “What the fuck is that and why is she posting it here?” and you’ll be bored to tears and y’all will STOP COMMENTING ON MY BLOG ALTOGETHER. But we’ll talk about that later. Right now since re-telling conversations is one of my favorite things, I want to tell you a few of my favorite this week:
Convo One
Richelle: “If you get really mad at J, you can send him out to the apartment over the garage to go watch TV!”
Me: “If I get really mad at J, he’ll be floating face down in the pool.”
Convo Two
Me: “The brick fencing around the house is just unique and fabulous!”
J: “You’re unique and fabulous.”
Me: “Okay, I don’t know what that’s all about, but you need to keep that shit up.”
P.S. When the pool gets drained, I will post pictures of “Operation Turtle Rescue.” Hopefully, I’ll keep all my fingers so I don’t ruin my chances at a hand modeling career.
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138 Responses to George Jefferson is dead and I don’t feel too good either, but at least it’s Friday.
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Your house is awesome !
Can’t imagine going thru someone else’s shit left behind. Makes me think of the Hoarding episodes. I hope yours wasn’t That bad !
Can’t wait to see dead hookers, I mean…heh, rescued sea turtles in the pool !
P.S.
Hope Jack’s recovery is still coming along nicely !
It wasn’t like Hoarders, it was like a family lived there and just walked away. Clothes, beds made, pots and pans- everything left.
Jack is doing fantastic thanks for asking! It’s getting almost impossible to slow him down.
Maybe they got themselves raptured to the bosom of Jesus a tad early. Should we be ascared?
Oh, and Yay Jack!
I ain’t ascared!
YAY Jack.
They did not walkaway wait till you find what the turtles are living with…….
Ooooooo just bones left behind.
Oh Em Gee! I LOVE this place…the possibilities are endless.
But why didn’t you just hire out a goat posse to take care of the jungle instead of some big guys? It would have given J an opportunity to SEE how awesome they are in action!
I LOVE it too, and It really is a fantastic place.
I did look into a heed of goats! But the place needed clean-up fast and chainsaws had to get involved.
Hehe – I just got a mental image of goats with chain saws.
You could create an army of them for the apocalypse!
Wow, congratulations! I wish you a very long and blessed life in your new home!
Thank you!
Congratulations! The bunch-o-bitches can just eat their hearts out.
Thank you! And yeah, that’s a bonus.
I dream of baby goats sometimes too.
Who doesnt? I mean, THEY’RE BABY GOATS!
Very Cool! Ensure those turtles aren’t snappers. I was snapped by one when I was a young boy. Damn thing almost took the end of my finger off. You know the old saying “a turtle won’t let go until it thunders”? Damn near the truth.
The ones I saw looked like Red-Ear Sliders. Nets and thick gloves will be utilized either way.
Yeap, can’t have too much glove.
Or nets!
Nice mansion!
My sprawling mansion! Ha!
Wow nice mason work. Someone really loved brick.. to your advantage. beautiful….
I LOVE it.
Did you say “POOL” …..OOOOOOOOOO YEAAAAAAAH!
Was that a Kool-Aid yell?
Well, that pool looks kinda spooky. the bottom should be very interesting., looking forward to those pictures….
There may be dead hookers on this blog yet.
Well, that pool should help you thru the dog days of summer in SC. Nice Digs.
I’ll have to put big chunks of ice in it.
So! we are finally going to have a pool party with a cheese fountain and some hot pool boys.. I mean men. I have waited a long time for this girly. cant wait.
A Velveeta cheese fountain! I’ll spare no expense!
Have I ever told you how “unique and fabulous” I think J is? you are a very lucky gal. Dont say anything but I think he really likes you… a lot! (L-O-V-E) how very sweet he is.
Yes he is and yes I am.
I can see goats running all over that place. OMG! Fabulous! That is gonna be a lucky goat! or goats.
And she will be wearing hats.
Nice – congrats!! At least know you know what you’ll be doing with any free time you manage to scrape together for the next year or so!!
I know, right?
wow it is gorgeous! Aside from the nasty pool water
Is that your yard lookin like fall in the first pic on the left with all the nice lovely landscaping in the neighbors’ places 
? Sounds like a ton of work but it will be pretty, good for you.
The yard just went to seed and grew into a jungle! You know the neighbors were glad to see me come along. (Enjoy it now , neighbors. Enjoy it now.)
I think you should leave the pool alone and stock it with piranhas. They’re right handy for certain things and don’t wander around the yard like alligators.
Ooooooo brilliant idea!
Don’t discount any ‘murder’ until you see who’s at the bottom of the pool…but other than that, congratulations!
Probably hookers!
Thanks!
Or bloated zombies like the one at the bottom of the well in the Walking Dead.
I’ll keep a chainsaw handy.
Ooooo…i can just SEE your baby goats frolicking on the top of your lovely brick fence…jumping merrily over the little “posts” which i shall think of as turrets. It really IS idyllic!!
I can too! Baby goats everywhere! Ha!
Just don’t open the door in the basement with all the weird symbols on it…………….
You mean the portal to Hell door?
Exactly! Strange symbols, slightly warm, unholy glow around the edges……
Don’t open it, unless, of course, you need to get rid of a body or two.
Ooooo hooker disposal!
Brick wall!!! Jesus, that is awesome, and I am kind of jealous. The house looks pretty damn sweet. The pool reminds me of the poltergeist movie, so that should be fun to see what’s at the bottom of that thing.
I might have to have a contest. “Guess What’s In The Pool.” Winner gets a free rabies shot.
Awesome!! Congrats!
Are you hiring a pool boy? Or is J your man for the job? Just picturing you lying by the pool, while the half-naked pool boy dips his long net in…
Ha! You gotta finish that sentence. It’s like a Shades of Grey comment.
Does your Daisy bike have a big basket on the front? ‘Cause I’m picturing Jack in it wearing little goggles and a silk scarf barking at the hobos……
I picture that too!
Congratulations on securing Ledford Acres. Once restored, you just need a mysteriously eerie fellow to open your door and make cocktails–as it happens, I am available.
And once operation turtle rescue is complete and the pool repainted, you just need a swarthy pool boy who doesn’t speak English–as it happens, I’m available.
Hey, any actor worth his circus peanuts can do swarthy and mysteriously eerie at the same time, besides, if you’re not opening doors, making cocktails and skimming the pool, you won’t be risking your hand-model hands.
It’s a win-win.
HAHA! So I see you want to live at the Manor. Do you do windows? Though the use of the word “eerie” in your description kinda weirds me out. I picture a “Lurch” character.
Nice new house with a cool fence, and new pet turtles, too? Jackpot!!!
Like winning a house lottery.
As confusing as that is…. IT”S DA BOMB! Woo Hoo! A turtle infested pool! And a rec room! SWEET! And you get like 50 bucks back on your investment with the estate sale!
WOOT!
If you see a body-shaped bag laying at the bottom of the pool when you drain it, it’s not what you think. Just give me a call and forget about the authorities. It’s nothing, really.
It may be worth a couple of goats and a bacon sandwich if you keep it quiet.
I will put one there for that!
Seeing businesses or homes where people just walk out as is it very spooky. It makes me imagine a whole shit storm of scenarios! Not really… just 2.
I know! Very spooky.
Yes, I thought that was puzzling also. Is there any way to know what made them leave ? I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head.
You Must let us know if it’s haunted !
A sudden death. (Cue spooky organ music)
They probably opened the scary door……….
Ha!!
Ok fellow MJ’s! Our attention whore is feeling neglected! SERIOUSLY! All you silent stalkers need to come outta the woodwork and say something! I will beg! PLEASE!!!
Ha! You’re hired.
How many comments are you trying to get?
10,000. Ummm, I just like bitching about not getting enough attention.
She threatened to stop bloggin due to low comment status!!!!!
HA! And I will! HAHAHA!
That awesome wall isn’t going to contain the baby goats! Where will they be kept?
In a pen with a top when they are not in the den: )
Awesome house! I just moved myself but all I got with my house is several flights of stairs & a screened in porch that is a million degrees right now but the cats love it.
Congrats yourself , I think. Stairs can be dangerous. Especially if you drink.
Congrats!
If you haven’t, read my blog post about red eared sliders. They do BITE! Gloves are necessary. http://draggingmyarsethroughlife.blogspot.com/2012/05/crazed-turtle.html
I’m glad Jack’s getting better so fast! Good boy Jack, good boy!
If there are dead bodies at the bottom of the pool, I’ve found a great app you can use to detect ghosts.
Oh I’ll be careful with those critters.
Jack is doing great!
You get yourself into the most interesting situations! I hope I can be like you one day
Your house looks amazing – Congratulations!
It’s lots of fun being me, when people and pets aren’t trying to murder you.
I have been on stumble all fucking day because of you! TY!
Now your treat http://www.cutestpaw.com/images/play-time/
LAWDY! HA!
And still going! Im so addicted! Found some cool ass shit! Like those 2 new links! More to come… if you would check your mail that is
Send ‘em on.
did u see the baby goat?
YES!
I LOVE your that house/yard/property! As a Realtor, I’ve seen many, and am always surprised when people choose the plain jane houses, because they don’t want to have to do a rehab… and the rehabbers don’t want them unless it’s being given away. You’ve done very, very good… the awesome brickwork, lush landscaping, etc. However, unless you have identified every single plant/shrub, I wouldn’t cut them down, hopefully you’ve had someone tell you what they each are. I’ve seen people (mostly Yankees) cut down azaleas, fig-trees, peach-trees, pecan-tress, etc., because they didn’t recognize them. So sad. Most landscapers (guys) won’t differentiate… they get chainsaw-happy.
Damn, I just LOVE that brick..
Soo funny….we had a person come out and identify them all and tagged the ones to keep! My personal fave, I’ll get a pic of it later, there’s a palm tree by the pool! Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Japanese Maples and though there’s none now- a few will be added. This house is unbelievable- in fantastic shape- though through neglect the fascia needs repair, and a new roof. The remodel will consist of putting hardwood floors through-out, new windows, and I want some walls down to open it up, and a complete remodel of the kitchen because I want Ina Garten’s kitchen!
I LURVE the brick so much I could marry it.
BTW… the nghbrs should be able to tell you the history on the house… I’ve handled many properties like this with all the household stuff still there…. either it was foreclosed, or someone died, or went to jail, or they had to skip town…. I can’t wait to hear the story and see the upcoming photos…
I think there was a sudden death. For reals.
Nice house! You and your family/pets will be so happy there
I think so.
That looks to be one rockin’ house in an awesome neighborhood! Congratulations!
ps: Bacon and scratches to Jack.
It really is. Thanks!
So glad you are making progress towards your dream! Great house. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that offer about a velveeta fountain by the pool…
And baby goats in life vests!
Congrats! Be it ever so humble and abandoned by the feuding families of murder victims there’s no place like home.
HAHAH! I should have that embroidered on a pillow.
Makes me think of that movie, “Sunset Boulevard.” (Cue the spooky movie music)
Or it makes me want to jam the Commodores: “She’s a brick…house! She’s mighty mighty…”
Either way. You done good!!
Thanks! I LURVE it.
What will become of your neighbor Betty? I miss her.
Ugh. I don’t care. I’ve had enough insanity around me to last a lifetime.
How do you know you won’t be moving into a secret society of crazy? Been stalking…um I mean patrolling and taking fake surveys for 2 years? Heh. I hope it’s mildly interesting and you blog about ALL THE ANIMALS you will be having and the raunchy pool parties!
There are crazies EVERYWHERE. I’m bored with the crazies here, I need a new crop of crazies anyway. And by rauncy pool paties, do you mean passing out on a floatie after eating your weight in cheese from the cheese fountain? “Cause there’s gonna be a lot of that going on.
Great going, Laura. Nice property with a lot of potential. You mentioned earlier it was in a small town. Just how small? Are they ready for you?
From your story it appears what I’ve heard is correct: death brings the best out in people. Not! Sounds like you had a family bitching over the $$ to be made with the house.
Well, just no one wanted to pay on the property that was abandoned really.
Damn! Their loss is your definite gain. Can’t wait to see photos of Jack in his cute life jacket.
Oh he’ll definitely have one…maybe even a swimsuit. Ha!
I can’t be bothered to read the rest of these comments. When’s the house-warming party? Looks like I should have time to stock up on gin and circus peanuts to bribe my way in. You think I’m kidding? I live close enough to cruise the streets with my windows down, listening for cries of “Damn it Jack, not the T-rex!”
HA! You can definitely use that as a homing device.
That pool gives me a “Cold Creek Manor” vibe…if anyone claiming to be a member of the previous owner’s family shows up, DON’T LET HIM IN!
Otherwise…congrats!
Ha! Thanks.
The whole place is just awesome! Ok, here’s a way to safely get the turtles out and get your pretty southern-belle-in-distress self on TV…call Turtleman! YI YI YI YI YI LIVE ACTION! His show can film you sitting by the pool showing off your hand model perfect nails and get you into show bizness! Maybe George Clooney will call you to do a movie with him! (No turtles will be harmed during this awesome adventure)
AWESOME IDEA! I can finally get the attention I so richly deserve! HA!
shouldn’t that be “Desire”?
Congratulations!
I love goats. Used to have a few back in the day.
Glad to hear Jack is on the mend. Teddy, the four legged garbage disposal, doesn’t like his vanilla butterscotch seizure med. He can be such a butthead. He does (THANK GOD) love the chlorophyll tablets I give him for his atrocious breath.
Well at least he likes that!
And Jack is back to his ole’ self.
I had to come back and tell you I had a freaking nightmare last night that took place at your new house. Some crazy bitch showed up at my house with a shotgun, trying to kill me (she thought I was a child molester b/c I posted about being a teacher, or some convoluted nutjob thing). At some point, the police took me to what looked like your new place because they thought I’d be safer in a more isolated location. WTF?? Sounds like the perfect script for a horror movie.
So the bitch shows up again, the two uniformed cops are gone and the one lady social-worker type drags me into the backyard like we’re gonna hide from crazy bitch lady, even though I know she’s about to bust through the glass of the front door and hunt me down.
And then I woke up.
I have never dreamed someone was trying to kill me before, so like I said–freaky. Your back yard looked fabulous, though.
DAYUM! I will soon post a pic of the courtyard, it’s fabulous, and I’m interested to see if it’s what you saw in your dream!
As soon as Jack gets his space collar off, he’ll be doing donuts in the yard and jumping that fence!
What a beautiful house and neighborhood! Congratulations!
Thanks!
He’s about doing that now, by the way.
Ohhhh you have got to PROMISE to post pictures of that empty pool…. before they clean it all up…. that’s gonna be good! even if there is no dead bodies in it (which there are even if it is only SQUIRRELS) cuz everybody wants to know what the bottom of that pool looks like. are there any underground windows? Awesome!!!
Maybe Jimmy Hoffa.
Hey! have you been starving yourself? Where’s all the food we usually see on the weekends. Im hungry! and I need something new for the fam. Is your new Kitchen gonna be nice?
My new kitchen will be awesome! AND HUGE. There will be some serious pics taken there….I just might do weekend cooking entries there. Or maybe not.
I am green with envy! Look at all that space! All the goats to your little heart’s content! Won’t you miss your crazy, half dressed, bible thumping neighbor?
Any way, looking forward to all of the before & after pictures.
Jack is going to have a ball out in that yard.
Jack will think he’s on safari all the time. The house and yard are huge.
Welcome to home moanership. You have great vision and, even better, the ability to convert your vision to reality.
Ha! We will see.
Don’t doubt yourself, young padewan. The goats don’t like doubt. It sours the food.
jealous. your new house is gorgeous!
Thank you! I love it!