It’s summer here which means it is flip-flop weather, and by “flip-flop weather” I don’t mean wearing sandals and playing on a beach or going to cookouts with friends. No, what I mean is it’s hot as hell and humid and I literally want to smack the shit out of people with a flip-flop almost EVERY. DAY. I’ve had stomach rabies or cholera for the past few days, I don’t know which. I’m not a communicable disease scientist- though I really should be. I’ve been hot and cranky and I hate to blog when I’m all pissy but I’ve received tons of email (READ: One.) wondering where I’ve been so I decided to sit down and type this out because even stomach rabies (and/or cholera) and dreams of flip-flop murder can’t stop my attention whoreness. I’m a professional like that. And speaking of professional, I still can’t quit my job and move to a small town and get a daisy bike and a pet goat because I still haven’t won the lottery, even with my voodoo altar and offering my soul to Satan. When I mentioned this to J he was all “Lotteries are for people who are bad at math” all hoity-toity and superior and shit and all I could picture was beating him unconscious with a flip-flop as I counted the blows. “…ten *SMACK* eleven *SMACK* WHO’S BAD AT MATH NOW, MOTHERFUCKER? twelve *SMACK*..” Then I’d like to flip-flop smack the sonsabitch at the store who keeps selling me non-winning lottery tickets when I specifically ask for “winning tickets.” God. People.
Aren’t you glad I blogged?51 Comments
Links to Enjoy
- Andrew Knapp Photos.
- Pot Noodles.
- The Hyena Handlers of Nigeria.
- Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.
- Wake Up!
- Hitler's Home Movies.
- Subway Surfer.
- MC Mom.
- Is Your Girlfriend a Horse?
- Now I want to go to Iceland.
- Karaoke Hitler.
- Wake up! They see us!
- How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.
- A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.
- Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.
- Birds in Watercolor.
- When Taunting Goes Wrong.
- Google Sheep View.
- 3 year old girl explain the complexities of childbirth in 4 seconds.
LMAO! I have a whole list of people you could flip-flop smack!
I have to work on my list first.
I haven’t hit the big one yet, but I did win 500 bucks on a 2 dollar scratch-off yesterday. I’m doing some gin and juice with some of it.
The Juju Woman has taken to Gibbsing me, at least that’s what she calls it. That would be a smack to the back of the head. Too damn funny.
Gin is a good investment.
I bet she needs to whack you more often. Ha!
When I buy a lottery ticket, I tell the clerk I only want one with winning numbers. They laugh and dismiss me as though I’m some delirious old man. They can laugh, but when I win, I’ll buy the damn store and laugh as I send them down the road kicking cans.
Those sonsabitches. When I win I’m buying the place I work and setting up a desk at the main entrance and when they walk up in the morning I’ll be all “You’re fired motherfucker.” Then I’ll laugh maniacally and light a joint with a ten dollar bill.
That is the best plan I’ve heard for lotto winnings.
You’d think I’d win, wouldn’t you?
If God and Karma had a say so, you definitely would win.
I love your definition of flip-flop weather. That’s a much better use than wearing the slip-sliding, toe-twisting muhherfuckers. (I have only ever worn the original practically disposable rubber ones.)
Those cheap Dollar Store ones will try to murder you. A pair killed my meemaw.
Im always glad when u blog! And I did email to check up on you! I need my “Whore”…blog whore that is! And why han’t anyone mentioned True Blood?
Eric. Nude. Having sexy time. Do I need to say more?
with his sister!!!
Not his biological sister- just a chick that was turned into a vampire by the same vampire that turned him. Don’t make it perverted. Ha!
i know… but im torn!
Eric’s nekkidness is always a good thing.
I checked the calendar, and you have had rabies, so I’m pretty sure you have moved up the disease pantheon and have cholera.
And I am very happy you blogged today. Without your post, I would have never seen a T-Rex in flip-flops. That would have been tragic.
You are my new diagnostician. Thank you. I think.
So…this is why they don’t let kids wear flip-flops to school. ‘Forgot your homework again Johnny? Hand over your flip-flops so I can smack you.”
They néed to smack more kids with flip-flops.
Ask J how he explains why someone always wins the lottery eventually regardless of the math? They had the same odds you did of winning.
Nazis do not listen to reason.
P.S. I was so irritated over the math thingee that I almost forgot to tell you how much I love the pic of the dino in slaps. Excellent rendering!!
Thanks. That be a Photoshop job.
It makes me think Trex needs a seersucker suit.
Ha! And a sun visor.
I sort of pictured the tyrannosaurus with a corona of red hair, based on the story.
Anyway, “Hot” is a good thing.
“Hot and Cranky”…not so much. Go get one of those funeral home fans and fan yourself cool while contemplating murder. Revenge is best served cold.
Dude, thats what I do now!
Oh, and God(TRex) doesn’t have hair.
I would totally buy a t-shirt with a flip-flop-sporting Rex on it.
I should hand draw some TRex shit and sell it and buy more lottery tickets!
I never realized you had to be bad at math to win a lottery. Damn you, math teachers!
Those rotten sonsabitches!
Shit, I better stop off on the way home from work and buy me some. I’m a sure winner!
Yes! Don’t forget a few scratch-offs too!
I would never flip-flop smack someone. If they’re worth hitting, they’re worth hitting with a steel-toed boot.
“When you care enough to send the very best.”
1. TRex in flip-flops is da bomb. You need to make t-shirts with that picture. I’d buy (but they’d have to be cheap as I also haven’t won the lottery).
2. I SUCK at math. I never even learned my multiplication tables and can’t add for shit. If anyone should win the lottery (according to J) it should be me! I think J lied about that.
I suck at math. Seriously, I am math retarded.
I got my thumb rabies surgery today…I think I’d rather have the cholera
Did it hurt?!
it does noe
I’m so very glad that you posted even with cholera and mad-dino disease. You are a true professional, and I am bewildered as to how your hand model career hasn’t take off by now.
I’m totally stealing the flip-flop smacking idea, too. But, I’ll give you credit whenever I hit someone. (I’m going to add my own twist to it, though, and smash bugs with the flip-flops BEFORE I smack a person with them.)
Beat. Them. Down.
You offered your what to Satan?! Hahahaha! Nice try, ginger.
HAHA! Hmm…maybe that’s why there’s been no response from the Dark Lord yet…
(Da flames! Da flames!)
LMAO…I would need a pair of industrial sized flips and a whole lot more time than I have!!!
Like your site!
an I Own the World visitor….
I need more time for flip-flop smacking too.
Just stumbled across your blog today…
This post rocked. (I’ll even admit to a guffaw during your counting.)
Hope your weather is treating you better – and that you were able to cure the pesky cholera/rabies.
I am feeling much better thank you. And welcome!