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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 Everyone needs goals and I’m no different except I don’t want to have to actually “work” to get what I want. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Because whatever I’ve been doing isn’t getting me any closer to retiring to a small town, buying a baby goat, and riding a daisy bike while shooting hobos, I’ve decided that I need a career change. I don’t want to do anything too strenuous, because I need to conserve my energy for all that bike riding and hobo killin’, so I think I’ve narrowed it down to becoming a nail polish hand model. That’s right. I’m going to create a portfolio of crappy camera phone pictures of my hand holding and pointing at stuff and I’ll publish them here like I’m all avant-garde and shit and y’all can ooh and ahh over them and be all supportive and then one day a nail polish hand model agency will Google and discover me. So basically, instead of going out and actually putting any real effort at seeking employment in another field, I’ll torture y’all with my ridiculousness for attention in hopes someone of importance will notice me one day (ie: International Nail Polish Hand Model Agency, Inc., or George Clooney.) So really, nothing changes here.
If you are from a nail polish hand model agency, I am available to start work immediately. If you are George Clooney, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY. Oh, and I suppose I better give props to the nail polish which is "Spontaneous" by China Glaze, who really needs to send me some free polish. Just sayin'.
Now here is the part where I delegate to y’all the job of picking out my next nail polish color so that each of you can feel like you’re a part of my journey, but in reality I just like posting shitty polls for even more attention.
“ridiculousness”…dude(te)…is that even a word? In this context, I guess it should be. Send them in a note and ask to switch the name to “Taser Blue”…not that I don’t enjoy a good joint shower. FACT.
I really wanted to vote for “Foie Gras Brown,” but I was afraid it would look like you’d picked up, well, dookie. Models do NOT hold dookie. Except for a prestigious dookie-brokerage firm….
I chose the blue, but I like the green also. I love China Glaze nail polish. I just bought three bottles CG sparkle nail polish in shades of blue, purple and green. I would also recommend the inails app for the iphone. So many colors, so little time.
China Glaze absolutely owes you some free goddamn nail polish! Or money. Yeah, money. Because you can’t pay for bells and shotgun ammo with nail polish. Or can you? I don’t know. And if you live in a high hobo populated area that shit could get downright expensive.
I voted for Tree Hugger Green. Use it and take a pic holding some pennzoil platinum. And MiO Energy should send you some free shit too while you’re at it.
You have the most beautiful hands I have seen in a very long time. I mean they are really actually pretty. no wrinkles no swelling no red chapped thingies hanging off anywhere. WOW! you really could be a hand model…
Im am so sorry that I dont have time to read all the comments today because I am to busy and important but I really felt compelled to tell you what nice hands you really do have. Makes me wonder what the rest of you looks like.. hmmmm!
I voted for the foie gras brown, mostly because I like foie gras and may want to gnaw on your fingers if you get them near my mouth. No, I’m not fat. I just like foie gras. And it pisses PETA off, so that’s twice as good.
I picked foie gras brown for the exact same reason…….PETA pisses me off! You do have nice hands, just remember once you get goats your hands will suffer, but as a super star hand model you will be able to afford a hired hand (no pun intended) to do the dirty work!
Those boingy door stop things are cool. When I was a wee lad I played with those things so much that my dad eventually removed them from every door in our house. I was either a cat in human form, or I had Asperger’s. Given the tragically inept way I’ve traveled through life, I think it might be the latter.
I voted for “Shower Together Blue”–much less subtle hint for Clooney, should he see it. George, we KNOW you (or perhaps your legal team) read Laura’s blog as obsessively as we do. For the love of God, CALL HER ALREADY!! (Sorry, J!)
You could be a hand model. Someone who should NOT be a hand model: Angelina Jolie – just saw pictures of her ring designed by Brad Pitt (who should NOT be a jewelry designer) and her hands look the the wicked witch hands in Snow White!
You should market your own nail polishes. You could have colors like Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray Green, and so forth. Not up on my gin catalog. I’m a bourbon guy.
I used to be there, but I’m watching my hands turn into my grandmother’s. It’s not like watching your face turn either, because I don’t spend all day oogling in a mirror, but my hands are out there all day long and I have to look at them when I’m on the computer.
Don’t laugh babe, grandma’s hands are coming soon to the end of your arms near you.
I picked brown because I like foie gras, and because brown goes with Hobos. Oh, maybe you could fatten up the hobos and then make cheap-ass foie gras from their disease-ridden livers after you shoot them. I wonder if PETA would give a shit about that?
When hunting down and shooting hobos, what do you do with them? Do you skin them, stuff them, or simply cut out the sweetmeats to have with fava beans and a nice chianti?
I just have to say…Cat Alarm Clock is seriously one of the funniest things i’ve ever seen!! I just keep watching it over and over again…and it CRACKS ME UP…ROFL!! LOVE that furry little paw reaching under the door…LOVE the sound that the doorstop makes!! TOTAL WIN!! I mean…how smart & funny is that cat???
PS…you DO have lovely nails. Do you do them yourself or have them professionally “did”??
Where are you? I miss you? You are totally neglecting your duty as part of my daily dose of laughter that gets me thru the day…wtf – get your ass back here.
That was wierd…all of the sudden there were 3 new posts! good luck with your tickets…please be careful with your plan, because i hear it’s hard to get internet access from military prison and wtf would you blog about? the cockroach races and mold growing across the wall?
LMAOOOO! Oooo. Ahhh. LOL! I freakin’ love that shotgun bell!
Me too, but hobos won’t.
That’s a great career choice! LOLOLOL!
Oh and I voted for blue! My favorite color!
Yea, it is. I will be an international fingernail polish model of mystery.
Whichever colors you choose are fine with me. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of your shotgun.
I would never shoot you. Unless you became a hobo.
“ridiculousness”…dude(te)…is that even a word? In this context, I guess it should be. Send them in a note and ask to switch the name to “Taser Blue”…not that I don’t enjoy a good joint shower. FACT.
Dude, since when did something like “not being a word” stop me from using it? Are you new here?
No…just trying to make you a better person…one tasering at a time.
Ha!
I really wanted to vote for “Foie Gras Brown,” but I was afraid it would look like you’d picked up, well, dookie. Models do NOT hold dookie. Except for a prestigious dookie-brokerage firm….
I do not want to be a dookie holding fingernail polish hand model. I was thinking more like holding puppies or baby goats or a gin bottle.
It *might* just be a Baby Ruth, you know…
Ha! Now I can get down with modeling candy.
There should totally be a Gin Clear Top Coat!
I agree!
I chose the blue, but I like the green also. I love China Glaze nail polish. I just bought three bottles CG sparkle nail polish in shades of blue, purple and green. I would also recommend the inails app for the iphone. So many colors, so little time.
Oooooo I’m going to have to get that. Thanks.
Do you have an iPhone?
Indeed I do. Indeed I do.
Changing careers without doing anything?
Sounds like you need to be a politician
HA! I know, right?!
LOL. I voted for Brown!
I do believe you might stand a better chance for nail fame if you plugged your hand pics on a fetish site that caters to that fetish!
Oooooo you’re like a career change scientist! And I don’t know if I like the thought of menz all drooling and shot over my hands. Ha!
China Glaze absolutely owes you some free goddamn nail polish! Or money. Yeah, money. Because you can’t pay for bells and shotgun ammo with nail polish. Or can you? I don’t know. And if you live in a high hobo populated area that shit could get downright expensive.
HAHAH! They really do.
I voted for Tree Hugger Green. Use it and take a pic holding some pennzoil platinum. And MiO Energy should send you some free shit too while you’re at it.
YES! I need all kinds of free shit!!!
Forgot to add, I really like that purple!
Thanks!
You have the most beautiful hands I have seen in a very long time. I mean they are really actually pretty. no wrinkles no swelling no red chapped thingies hanging off anywhere. WOW! you really could be a hand model…
YES! And I should be! Ha!
Im am so sorry that I dont have time to read all the comments today because I am to busy and important but I really felt compelled to tell you what nice hands you really do have. Makes me wonder what the rest of you looks like.. hmmmm!
Simmah down nah.
I voted for the foie gras brown, mostly because I like foie gras and may want to gnaw on your fingers if you get them near my mouth. No, I’m not fat. I just like foie gras. And it pisses PETA off, so that’s twice as good.
Anything that pisses PETA off is good with me.
I picked foie gras brown for the exact same reason…….PETA pisses me off! You do have nice hands, just remember once you get goats your hands will suffer, but as a super star hand model you will be able to afford a hired hand (no pun intended) to do the dirty work!
HA! I’m hoping one day I can hire someone to do ALL the heavy lifting and dirty work.
Those boingy door stop things are cool. When I was a wee lad I played with those things so much that my dad eventually removed them from every door in our house. I was either a cat in human form, or I had Asperger’s. Given the tragically inept way I’ve traveled through life, I think it might be the latter.
TMI much?
Ha! Never TMI here.
Wait. This went to the wrong sub-sub-thread. WTH?
Happens to me all the time.
Love the purple. Oh, and I want that sound for my phone!
I have it as a ringtone. Ha!
I voted for “Shower Together Blue”–much less subtle hint for Clooney, should he see it. George, we KNOW you (or perhaps your legal team) read Laura’s blog as obsessively as we do. For the love of God, CALL HER ALREADY!! (Sorry, J!)
Ha! He really does need TO CALL ALREADY.
You could be a hand model. Someone who should NOT be a hand model: Angelina Jolie – just saw pictures of her ring designed by Brad Pitt (who should NOT be a jewelry designer) and her hands look the the wicked witch hands in Snow White!
Ha! Angelina needs to eat a few dozen bacon sandwiches.
Oooh, ever see Megan Fox’s hands? She has big toes for thumbs!
Megan hates her toe thumbs so much that she had a hand-double in something she did. Can’t remember what it was, nor do I care. She’s icky.
She really is. She’s a mouth-breather too. And not in a sexual way, I mean in a Neanderthal way.
You do have lovely nails. I wish I could keep a manicure looking nice.
Thank you. I think the gin makes ‘em strong.
You should market your own nail polishes. You could have colors like Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray Green, and so forth. Not up on my gin catalog. I’m a bourbon guy.
Ha! I really should at least get a job naming a few, eh?
Zombie Mottled Gray. Get in on the zombie trend. Just sayin’….
I do have gray! And I look fantastic in it!
I love that brown is winning. I think it’s because everyone wants to see you with poo colored nails.
HA! I think so too! But what they don’t realize is I can carry it off like a pro. It looks FANTASTIC on me.
I was thinking it looks more like melted milk chocolate!
Mmmm chocolate.
You have beautiful hands. It won’t be long unti you’re hunting hobos full-time!!
From your text to God’s eyes.
Brown. Nothing like having nails the color of excrement.
But girl, I can carry it off, my hands are THAT awesome.
I used to be there, but I’m watching my hands turn into my grandmother’s. It’s not like watching your face turn either, because I don’t spend all day oogling in a mirror, but my hands are out there all day long and I have to look at them when I’m on the computer.
Don’t laugh babe, grandma’s hands are coming soon to the end of your arms near you.
Oh I know. Just as long as I don’t get my crazy-ass papaw’s hands I’m okay with it.
I picked brown because I like foie gras, and because brown goes with Hobos. Oh, maybe you could fatten up the hobos and then make cheap-ass foie gras from their disease-ridden livers after you shoot them. I wonder if PETA would give a shit about that?
Probably not. On all counts. Ha!
When hunting down and shooting hobos, what do you do with them? Do you skin them, stuff them, or simply cut out the sweetmeats to have with fava beans and a nice chianti?
Ha! Hobos don’t have sweetmeat. They’re like carp.
I just have to say…Cat Alarm Clock is seriously one of the funniest things i’ve ever seen!! I just keep watching it over and over again…and it CRACKS ME UP…ROFL!! LOVE that furry little paw reaching under the door…LOVE the sound that the doorstop makes!! TOTAL WIN!! I mean…how smart & funny is that cat???
PS…you DO have lovely nails. Do you do them yourself or have them professionally “did”??
Thank you And I do both. Mostly I do ‘em myself. I do love a manicure about once a month or so though.
You need a cat alarm clock like that.
Where are you? I miss you? You are totally neglecting your duty as part of my daily dose of laughter that gets me thru the day…wtf – get your ass back here.
Dude, I’m right here! Refresh your page or hit the banner to get to the front page or scroll up or something!
That was wierd…all of the sudden there were 3 new posts! good luck with your tickets…please be careful with your plan, because i hear it’s hard to get internet access from military prison and wtf would you blog about? the cockroach races and mold growing across the wall?
I am too pretty for prison.
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