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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election.
Since announcing my candidacy for President of the United States on Thursday I have been on the campaign trail and by “been on the campaign trail” I mean ”drunk.” While on the campaign trail I announced that George Clooney will be my VP, and by “VP” I mean “sex slave.” It’s a hard life in the political limelight, knowing people are waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to say the wrong thing, waiting to dig up dirt from your past and throw it in your face. But luckily I don’t give a shit, and besides, I’m relying heavily on my Free Bacon Plan to win over the majority of voters anyway. And as for how I, as President, will fix the problems our nation is facing today, I wrote a few things down on a cocktail napkin in between the blackouts and the dry-heaves I’d like to share with y’all now.
1. The poor and the homeless. Pay-Per-View televised death matches. Two go into the ring, one comes out. The one who comes out gets paid handsomely with the money made from viewers. BAM! No more poor AND no more welfare.
2. The Deficit. We default on everyone we owe and them bomb the shit out of them, take their land, and then rent it back to them. Make them all our bitch. BAM! No more deficits.
3. All men will desire me. (This fixes no national problem – I just wanted to throw it in.)
4. Unemployment. In order to fulfill the free bacon need of the nation, there will be millions of pig farms and processing plants started. They will employ millions of people who will then be government workers whose wages will come from the rent collected from all of the bitch nations. BAM! No more unemployed.
118 Responses to J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election.
Don’t forget the more people will be needed to run the gin mills (goes well with bacon). Your plan may actually have more jobs than people could possibly fill
I assume you’re also going to take control of South America, Central America, Mexico, Cuba, the Caribbean, and Canada. Think big. I want a high level position with a large staff. We’ll grow more tequila, rum, cigars, and llamas. I had a llama carry my clubs once. The ultimate golf cart / caddy. You’re going to need a Land Manager. I’m your man.
You’ll be my right hand girl. Actually, we’ll be even. You’ll also be in charge of Girlie drinks while we’re on patrol, and have a huge say in designing and decorating the new crib I’m gonna build at Machu Picchu. We’ll be keeping all of the old, though.
If you’re already planning on taking over Central and South America, I do believe you could use the wee little for labor instead of importing from China. Provides more income for bacon and gin
I would like to volunteer to be in charge of taser production. We would add to the platform (with your permission) “a taser in every house and a free car in every garage” (no thanks to Oprah)
Every single thing is brilliant….except bombing France. The Louvre, cheese, wine–I can’t get behind it, even though they hate us while totally owing us for not being forced to speak German, those Sonsabitches!
I stole this as a campaign contribution. heh heh : )
Prep Time: 15 Min Cook Time: 25 Min Ready in: 40 Min
Makes 2 dozen
Ingredients
12 slices bacon
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 cups white sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 eggs
1 cup cold, strong, brewed coffee
1 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium-high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside.
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, 3/4 cup cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Make a well in the center and pour in the eggs, coffee, buttermilk and oil. Stir just until blended. Mix in 3/4 of the bacon, reserving the rest for garnish. Spoon the batter into the prepared cups, dividing evenly.
Bake in the preheated oven until the tops spring back when lightly pressed, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in the pan set over a wire rack. When cool, arrange the cupcakes on a serving platter. Frost with your favorite chocolate frosting and sprinkle reserved bacon crumbles on top. Dust with additional cocoa powder.
You should also take credit for bacon solving the Muslim problem. They will be moving away in droves creating a surge in the job market for travel agents.
I would like Ryan Kwanten and Alexander Skarsgard as my personal sex slaves. I’m thinking I can ask this simple favor of you since we’re blog friends. You seem like you’d be a GIVING President.
Well, if we want to be technical, Sarkozy actually grew Fwance some actual balls. He stood up to the renegade Algerians and Moroccans, and integrated France back into NATO military structures, so they weren’t getting a free ride under the US defense umbrella.
Now, if we bomb Pakistan… and every nation ending in “stan,” really… now that’s a foreign policy I can support!
France is my sworn enemy. It’s personal. If I can’t use my position as President for petty vengeance, well, then I just don’t see the point.
And those ‘stan places will be our sandboxes- that goes without saying really.
In that case, before we bomb them, we need to rescue French coffee, croissants, baguettes and the entire Louvre (except for that hideous piece of shit pyramid in front).
Otherwise, bombs away! Focus particularly on the hideous, smelly, snobby Parisians, and that’s extra points!
You know., I thought you were just spewing out crazy drunkin’ rants about running, but now that I see you are serious, you got my vote baby! I can see no downside to this. Can I be Secratary of Ag? And can we also go with the “hamburgers and steaks” for everyone also, along with the bacon. Heck, we’d get the Jewish vote I’m thinking! ‘Side, some of us just can’t raise pigs effectively but we can cattle!
Bomb France?????!!!! FINALLY, the leader we have been waiting for!!!
And can I be head of the Department of Education? One of the graduation requirements will be that students must come up with new recipes using bacon. Or gin. Or circus peanuts.
I will pay you handsomely er…contribute to your campaign well if you throw out every damn illegal and make everyone here for more than one month speak English when in public! To hell with bacon, I want to understand what everyone is saying.
The key word there is “illegal.” They will be imprisoned like anyone doing anything illegal and then tossed into cage death matches so as to keep the overcrowding down.
Also could we please create a Department of Stupid People Eradication? I’d like to head that department. I’d rid the nation of anyone who is… well… stupid.
Dang – I was thinking to please not bomb the French too hard – I’m kinda fond of their wine. Bomb the shit outta Paris and make ‘em pay their reparations in wine, I say.
Here’s an idea for your campaign. Upgrade more crimes as capital offenses and enforce the death penalty. Rapist, stalkers, child molesters, and telemarketers. Make sure all trials are televised and let the people vote, like on Survivor. Let them choose their method of death, or spin the wheel at sentencing.
Do it quick. No long appeal process. Not decades on ‘Death Row.’ Fuck that.
And, once a month, do pay per view execution specials on TV. Get the guys that do color commentary for wrestling, monster truck rallies, and MMA cage matches to do commentary on the executions.
Make sure they do a wonderful magazine piece on each criminal detailing their heinous acts to work up the crowd, then pull the fucking switch and watch them fry on LIVE HD!
Put all that money back into the prison system and law enforcement, and you have a WIN!
Oh yeah. The only “Death Row” will be where they’re lined up waiting for their televison segment. But I did get kind of a nervous twitch there when you mentioned “stalkers.” Ha!
I’m putting in a bid for the Pay-per-View contract.
Here’s my offer:
A lifetime supply of gin and circus peanuts served personally by Chris Helmsworth who will also bash stray WHORES with Thor’s hammer at your behest…hey, just to keep George in line.
[...] want solutions–Laura Ledford has all these other sonsabitches beat cold. And when I say cold I mean Bin Laden’s hagfish riddled corpse on the abyssal plain [...]
bacon AND bombing the frenchies?
damn girl, you make a persuasive campaign
Thank you. I think so.
Wait a minute – we don’t owe the French nuthin.
They owe us.
I’m make you an ambassador.
Sounds like a plan! Can I be in your Cabinet?
Yes, just stay out of my liquor.
LMAO! You just keep winning my vote!!
You just want more bacon.
Don’t forget the more people will be needed to run the gin mills (goes well with bacon). Your plan may actually have more jobs than people could possibly fill
I believe you’re right. We’ll import wee Chinese children to work in our factories.
You’re just what this nation needs!
I think so.
What? No booze?!?!?
Not free. Only bacon.
“Bomb France.”
Just because.
Exactly.
I assume you’re also going to take control of South America, Central America, Mexico, Cuba, the Caribbean, and Canada. Think big. I want a high level position with a large staff. We’ll grow more tequila, rum, cigars, and llamas. I had a llama carry my clubs once. The ultimate golf cart / caddy. You’re going to need a Land Manager. I’m your man.
You can handle all my South of the Border relations. All the llamas are yours.
HEY!!! I better get some llamas, and alpacas. I speak the language and can snow them over before they know what bomb hit them.
You can work with Yabu.
You’ll be my right hand girl. Actually, we’ll be even. You’ll also be in charge of Girlie drinks while we’re on patrol, and have a huge say in designing and decorating the new crib I’m gonna build at Machu Picchu. We’ll be keeping all of the old, though.
I wish to apply for Secretary of Inane Observations. I’d be good at the job and will guarantee all observations have no relevance to anything at all.
Your work will be funded by government grants.
Yes, and one Friday morning, my dog farted.
**just practicing**
I think “J” better get with the program….and start COOKIN BACON.
Wearing an apron too.
If you’re already planning on taking over Central and South America, I do believe you could use the wee little for labor instead of importing from China. Provides more income for bacon and gin
I just figured there’d be more Chinese chillins and they’re used to the factories.
Where can I pick up my yard sign?
You’ll have to make your own. My budget is shot on gin..err… I mean bacon.
I want to see your dinosaurs holding signs and wearing those white hates with the red, white, and blue ribbons above the rim.
Ha! So you want me to Photoshop, eh?
Ah yes, bomb the cheese eating surrender monkeys and free bacon. How many times do I get to vote for you?
Twice.
I would like to volunteer to be in charge of taser production. We would add to the platform (with your permission) “a taser in every house and a free car in every garage” (no thanks to Oprah)
Fuck Oprah.
no one likes a hater. Okay…I lied. I merely suggested her so I could get my free car. I am a whore that way.
She doesn’t give them out anymore. Now you can hate her.
done
Not a fucking chance.
Coffee spewed everywhere….but worth the mess!!
Every single thing is brilliant….except bombing France. The Louvre, cheese, wine–I can’t get behind it, even though they hate us while totally owing us for not being forced to speak German, those Sonsabitches!
LAURA FOR PRESIDENT!!
We’ll save their goats. Put them in rehab.
Chocolate and Bacon Cupcakes
I stole this as a campaign contribution. heh heh : )
Prep Time: 15 Min Cook Time: 25 Min Ready in: 40 Min
Makes 2 dozen
Ingredients
12 slices bacon
2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 cups white sugar
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 eggs
1 cup cold, strong, brewed coffee
1 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder, for dusting
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium-high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside.
In a large bowl, stir together the flour, 3/4 cup cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, baking powder and salt. Make a well in the center and pour in the eggs, coffee, buttermilk and oil. Stir just until blended. Mix in 3/4 of the bacon, reserving the rest for garnish. Spoon the batter into the prepared cups, dividing evenly.
Bake in the preheated oven until the tops spring back when lightly pressed, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in the pan set over a wire rack. When cool, arrange the cupcakes on a serving platter. Frost with your favorite chocolate frosting and sprinkle reserved bacon crumbles on top. Dust with additional cocoa powder.
I owe you political favors now.
Shhhhhh, don’t want to start “Bacon-Gate” this soon! LOL
If you try them, let us all know if it’s worth the angioplasty!
I bet so.
You should also take credit for bacon solving the Muslim problem. They will be moving away in droves creating a surge in the job market for travel agents.
HA! I’ll hold the door open for them.
Sounds LEGIT….. you got my vote future Madame President Ledford!
Has a nice ring to it.
I’m LMAO after just reading the title !…Gotta read it all now.
Shhh, don’t tell J.
This will be so much fun !
Better watch out for Jack and Tinks…they’ll have their own agenda – World Domination.
*
How is Tinks doing these days ?
Tinks is fine and fat and sassy. She’s enjoying the sweet life of an indoor kitty.
Good to hear she’s doing well. Please give her a little scratch behind the ears for me.
Will do.
Bacon for everyone! But, Beggin Strips for Jack; Dogs don’t know it’s not bacon!
I bet Jack would.
Bombing the frogs and bacon is the bomb. It is the circle of life.
It really is.
I would like Ryan Kwanten and Alexander Skarsgard as my personal sex slaves. I’m thinking I can ask this simple favor of you since we’re blog friends. You seem like you’d be a GIVING President.
Done. Sex slaves all ’round!
Canadian Bacon and Freedom Fries for ALL!
And for the men, can you bring back those high-waisted jeans from the early 80′s ?
Ya got my vote!
wanderoke.blogspot.com
Done.
Oh, and:
6. Bomb France again.
Just ’cause.
Absolutely.
You had me at bacon! I want to vote for you so hard!
Ha!
I’m totally down with #3.
Oh, and the rest of it, too.
HA! So my plan is working…
Well, if we want to be technical, Sarkozy actually grew Fwance some actual balls. He stood up to the renegade Algerians and Moroccans, and integrated France back into NATO military structures, so they weren’t getting a free ride under the US defense umbrella.
Now, if we bomb Pakistan… and every nation ending in “stan,” really… now that’s a foreign policy I can support!
France is my sworn enemy. It’s personal. If I can’t use my position as President for petty vengeance, well, then I just don’t see the point.
And those ‘stan places will be our sandboxes- that goes without saying really.
In that case, before we bomb them, we need to rescue French coffee, croissants, baguettes and the entire Louvre (except for that hideous piece of shit pyramid in front).
Otherwise, bombs away! Focus particularly on the hideous, smelly, snobby Parisians, and that’s extra points!
Can I personally bomb the ‘stans?
Yes you can. For a fee. Hey, I never said I wouldn’t take bribes.
And we can produce that other French shit. Bombs away Frenchie sonsabitches!!
Are bribes accepted in bacon? Ammunition? Euros?
All of the above.
Oh yeah… and cheese. Must rescue cheese.
It’s a deal if I can shoot the goddam FreeCreditReports.com pirate slackers.
It will be passed as law right after the election.
You know., I thought you were just spewing out crazy drunkin’ rants about running, but now that I see you are serious, you got my vote baby! I can see no downside to this. Can I be Secratary of Ag? And can we also go with the “hamburgers and steaks” for everyone also, along with the bacon. Heck, we’d get the Jewish vote I’m thinking! ‘Side, some of us just can’t raise pigs effectively but we can cattle!
What the hell is wrong with J? You are the PERFECT candidate!
You’d think he’d see this! But alas, he’s a freedom-hating Nazi.
Can we change our national motto to: Fuck Oprah! ?
We’ll have it printed on our money as soon as I’m elected.
Bomb France?????!!!! FINALLY, the leader we have been waiting for!!!
And can I be head of the Department of Education? One of the graduation requirements will be that students must come up with new recipes using bacon. Or gin. Or circus peanuts.
Or all three. These people will be known as “scientists.”
You can count on at least three votes here. More if my disguises work.
Excellent.
I will pay you handsomely er…contribute to your campaign well if you throw out every damn illegal and make everyone here for more than one month speak English when in public! To hell with bacon, I want to understand what everyone is saying.
The key word there is “illegal.” They will be imprisoned like anyone doing anything illegal and then tossed into cage death matches so as to keep the overcrowding down.
YESSSSSS!!!
Also could we please create a Department of Stupid People Eradication? I’d like to head that department. I’d rid the nation of anyone who is… well… stupid.
Good, we can thin out the herd. I’m sick of traffic jams.
Guuuuurl! I live in DC! I feel your pain!
Dang – I was thinking to please not bomb the French too hard – I’m kinda fond of their wine. Bomb the shit outta Paris and make ‘em pay their reparations in wine, I say.
It will be so.
Can I be your U.K. representative? Please!
Okay, but I want some U.K. swag.
Let me know before you bomb France so I can liberate all the brie. It doesn’t irradiate well.
Mmmm brie. Deal.
Here’s an idea for your campaign. Upgrade more crimes as capital offenses and enforce the death penalty. Rapist, stalkers, child molesters, and telemarketers. Make sure all trials are televised and let the people vote, like on Survivor. Let them choose their method of death, or spin the wheel at sentencing.
Do it quick. No long appeal process. Not decades on ‘Death Row.’ Fuck that.
And, once a month, do pay per view execution specials on TV. Get the guys that do color commentary for wrestling, monster truck rallies, and MMA cage matches to do commentary on the executions.
Make sure they do a wonderful magazine piece on each criminal detailing their heinous acts to work up the crowd, then pull the fucking switch and watch them fry on LIVE HD!
Put all that money back into the prison system and law enforcement, and you have a WIN!
Oh yeah. The only “Death Row” will be where they’re lined up waiting for their televison segment. But I did get kind of a nervous twitch there when you mentioned “stalkers.” Ha!
I’m putting in a bid for the Pay-per-View contract.
Here’s my offer:
A lifetime supply of gin and circus peanuts served personally by Chris Helmsworth who will also bash stray WHORES with Thor’s hammer at your behest…hey, just to keep George in line.
His WHORES will be flown over to Syberia, and dropped. No parachutes.
And you’re hired.
[...] want solutions–Laura Ledford has all these other sonsabitches beat cold. And when I say cold I mean Bin Laden’s hagfish riddled corpse on the abyssal plain [...]
corgi puppies in PJs
I’ve been busy campaigning for you!
YES! AZnd there will be corgi puppies everywhere!
I’m the least political person you’ve ever met. I also am not up on current events. Why do we hate the French? They gave us french fries, didn’t they?
The French are my enemy, which means they will be the country’s enemy once I’m elected.
Maybe you can leave a few egg farms? I love a bacon and egg sandwich on some mornings.
We have eggs here. I’m sorry but y’all are getting too attached to France. Give it up.
Yes! more pig farms means more pig ears for the doxies. I’ll rehab the goats if Yabu will send some rum my way.
I’m certain a deal can be reached. There will be lots of deals made when I’m elected. Most of them involving goats and booze.
Number one sounds like the hunger games. I’m down I love all of it
Actually, the concept was originally Stephen King’s “The Running Man.” I grew up with King as my idol. So I can count on your vote?
Ya got all three of my votes!
(I live in Illinois, I’d git ten votes if I wuz a dhimmi-crat)
Well, the dead vote here in South Carolina, so I think the living should have at least three votes.
Hemingway said that all the world’s problems could be solved with a three-day open season on people. Use that in your first SOTU.
You can be my speech writer.