I’m still partying like it’s 1999, but my liver feels like it’s 2030.
I don’t know about y’all, but 2011 can kiss my ass. I mean, seriously, it can kiss my ass. The piss-poor economy aside, this year has been a bitter disappointment. We still don’t have any killer robots or flying cars and there’s still no miracle weight-loss pill you can take before bedtime and lose 20 pounds by morning. George Clooney finally dumped his Italian WHORE and then took up with a wrestling SKANK. It’s still illegal to punch a bitch in the throat, no matter how much they deserve it, and I still don’t have a baby goat. It’s like I’m living in an age where I can’t reach my full potential. I think I must have been sent back in time, kind of like Bruce Willis was in 12 Monkeys, except they forgot about me and the whole fucking entire place is filled with insane Brad Pitts minus the cool zoo animals. That would mean I came from the future where a plague has wiped out most of the population and I’m on a work release from prison, which sounds about right. I think I miss that place. People get on my nerves. That’s probably why I failed so miserably at my mission to save the future world and they abandoned me here. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. I’m drinking limoncello out of a chipped coffee mug. It’s probably something I learned in prison.105 Comments
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I never thought I’d be in a position to say that 2011 was better than the last two years, but it was. But it still wasn’t better than everything up to 2008, financially.
I guess I better get on inventing that flying car so I can pry some of your filthy lucre out of your hands.
Bump the car, I will give you ALL of my filthy lucre for a killer robot.
LMFAOOOOOOO! Girl, you made my year brighter with all your craziness! Thank you. And Happy New Year! May your liver last through 2012!! LOL!
From your text to God’s eyes.
Also, thank you and Happy New Year!
LOL! Whatever you do- don’t ever change.
I don’t plan on it.
Since you’ve let it slip that you’re from the future why don’t you remember who the winners are of the next few big sporting events so we can make some serious moolah and buy you the goats you deserve?
DUDE I think I have that time-travel memory loss thing. Yeah that’s it. It’s not brain cell damage from my alcoholism. No.
In all seriousness, the economy is fucked…worldwide. If the Euro fails, or if China stops buying our debt and lending us money, we’re double or triple fucked. It’s not looking good. I have many friends who’ve lost their jobs or are under employed. I have many friends who are in the commercial and residential real estate markets…they’re done…can’t lease or sell much of anything. There are so many people who are underwater on their mortgages it’s scary. I know people who own their homes free and clear, and they can’t sell ‘em. We have so many problems on so many different levels it ain’t funny.
I’m with you, 2011 can kiss my ass, so can 2009 and 2010. Damn! I need a time machine to go back in time. Knowing what I know now, I’d be a .00000000000000000000001 %’er.
Yabu, the world is too big and too full of fuckery for me to worry about it. This doesn’t mean I don’t vote or try in my own small ways to make it better. You prepare for the worst but hope for the best, then you party like a motherfucker and try to enjoy the ride, shooting your guns into the air screaming “BRING IT ON, YOU SONSABITCHES!” like a lunatic. Or maybe that’s just me.
I’ll be at the party!
Bring streamers and bullets!
That whole “time continuum” dilemma makes my head hurt this early in the morning. In fact, it makes my head hurt every time Hollywood tries it.
No wonder I drink. Wait. If they send us back in time, do we get a good liver again? I think I’m beginning to see a time-loop with excellent possibilities.
Oh wouldn’t that be nice? My liver needs me to go back and kill Hitler now.
Oh, but you know how it would go. Your liver would end up either being Hitler, or Hitler’s mustache, or do something to make Hitler all Hitler-y. Then the the camera would zoom in on your liver and it would say “Dear God, what have I done?”
Ha! Or my liver would start dating Hitler and get all poisoned and shit in the bunker with him.
The liver is evil and it must be punished.
Yeah, you’re right. 2011 sucked, mostly because when I looked in the mirror the other day, I realized I’ll have a turkey neck when I’m older. That really sucks. I’ll never be able to skydive because it will flap in the breeze like the jowls of a Bloodhound.
Crap, crap, crap, crap!!!
Shit. That does suck. There goes your career of fire-jumping.
So, wear a turtleneck!
Or an ascot.
…or plastic surgery. I’ll tell the doctor to put an adjusting knob. That way I can fine tune my neck when I get older.
Or just gather it all up in the back and use a rubber band.
If I have learned anything this past year, I have learned to be grateful… several times over. I have also learned that spiders “ARE” a big part of Christmas, Circus Peanuts are one of the food groups, you can not have a baby with a cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber, but you can certainly try and Gin cures EVERYTHING. also that you and Richelle are the funniest people I know or will ever know.I have so enjoyed this site and I hope you will write FOREVER.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR LAURA AND “J”.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR RICHELLE”
“Happy New Year Jack, Thelma, Tinks and Herman”
Ha! Well thank you…and I’ll keep writing until the rabies takes over completely I reckon.
If I could turn back time, I’m not sure which decade I’d rejoin, probably my teens years where I drank, smoked, did what I wanted, had no responsbilities, and learning to drive. Of course, except for the smoking, that pretty much describes me now. I’ve had my license for years and years, and yet I’m still learning how to drive! Happy new year
You’re the best driver I know. Fact.
If I can’t get me a transporter or one of them food machines from Star Trek, there should at least be monkeys. WHERE ARE MY DAMN MONKEYS?
Flying ones too.
I’d love to be able to party like it was 1982, but that would surely kill me.
But I would go out with a smile.
a sloppy drunk drooly smile, but a smile none-the-less.
“But I would go out with a smile.”
And in the long run, that’s all that matters.
I worked in a prison…learned a lot. Nothing I can use on the streets but still
Girl, knowing how to shank someone properly is all you need to know.
Shanking? I learned how to frisk!!
THAT is scary. Ha!
Suggestion…how to shank someone and frame the dumb bitch in the next cell. Don’t want to tell on yourself and get more time. Shank to kill AND frame a bitch I say!
YOU are like a shank scientist.
From it is still illegal to punch a bitch in the throat to wrestling SKANK…..pure fucking gold!
BTW, did not get to UPS. Blatantly lied to family member & we’re working on “tracking.” :eyeroll: Yeah, totally going to Hell.
On the bright side, maybe UPS will “find” your package in EARLY 2012.
Happy New Year. I’m a total sonsabitch. Right?
HAHAHAHA! Totally something I would do. And I’m a sonsabitch. HA!
Happy New Year!
Don’t worry….SkyNet is just around the corner. FACT!!
Good. I wanna lead a rebel crowd.
I’m with Hoody Hoo… I want a food machine…. just to avoid the store. I woke up in the mood for cold pizza but we don’t have any. I want to press a button and POOF- cold pizza!
Happy New Year and here’s to baby goats!
I want a killer robot to cook my food and then smite my enemies.
Happy New Year to you!! YAY BABY GOATS!! Keep your fingers crossed that 2012 will bring baby goats!!
If you’re drinking Limoncello out of coffee mug that can only mean you’re already a raging success and definitely ahead of the rest of us.
You only have 300 some days left until the apocalypse.
Go get yer baby goat!
YES! I really should. I want to be holding my baby goat when Jesus comes. Jesus likes goats. And Limoncello.
It’s true you didn’t get a flying car, but consider the miracle of a modern cell phone. You have ALL the information in the whole fucken world in your POCKET! How amazing is that?
And nobody could conceive of this just 10 years ago.
I did. And Gene Roddenberry did. But the one we conceived of could also shoot lasers and kill bitches. They forgot that part.
Laura, you are the funniest motherfucker on the planet. I love you and your future baby goat!
Awww, thank you. Just remember that when I get my baby goat and this here blog is plastered day and night with pics of it in hats.
You know that “Gift a Heifer” charity? You should have one for yourself called “Give me a damn baby goat, all ready, damnit!” I would totally donate!
Oh I can get me a baby goat, it’s being in a place where I can have one that’s the problem…I guess I can ask for donations to buy a farm, eh? Ha!
I would be heartbroken to hear you bought the farm!!!
Ha! Well, it’d be alright.
You lost me somewhere in the middle around “monkeys” but you got me back with “limoncello”.
Happy New Year Laura!
Limoncello is devine ain’t it? And you’ve never seen 12 Monkeys?? Girl, you gotta rent it.
Happy New Year to you!
I want my flying car to be black with flames. Always wanted a hot rod black with flames, might as well be the flying car. What color would you drive?
Red and mine will be equipped with heat seeking missiles.
Man, you need to pace yourself. You have to make it to Sunday at least. Then you can get yourself thrown in jail to sleep it off and get an excuse for time off of work, get out on Tuesday.
If they still have that 3 strikes thing- no I can’t. HAHA! (I kid, I kid.)
What the fuck is limoncello anyway?
Only the best motherfucking liquor you’ve ever tasted.
Do you drink it straight or mix it? I looked it up, sounds interesting, just not sure how to drink it.
Straight. Keep it in the freezer. Drink it ice cold. So smooth and lemony. You can’t drink a lot. A large shot glass full. Or two. It’s kind of an after dinner drink.
Just looked at wikipedia which states it is often served after a meal as a “digestivo”. So if it aids digestion(?)…..there’s your medicinal use !!
Hmm…I’ll bet it would taste good in hot or iced tea !
2011 sucked. WAAY too much feckless douche-baggery.
I just want less bad drama in 2012, but I’m not holding my breath.
YES It’s medicine! Tasty tasty medicine!
I hope 2012 is better too, that’s for sure.
2011 was indeed a huge disappointment and in fact, it felt like we were in stasis. Nothing improving. Good riddance, I say!
Adios 201,1 you motherfucker!! ( I learned yesterday how to spell adios, by the way- now I must incorporate it daily.)
You mean you can’t go into the future and tell me when I’m buying mini-Reese’s peanut butter cups? You know someone is sent back to keep checking on you…demand to know where my stash will be, and I’ll share with you. (Start with your Spanish-speaking neighbors…it’s not really Spanish they’re speaking…)
Hmmmm those sonsabitches. I could do with some Reese’s ’bout now too. Afternoon carb-induced comam here.
So, when you finally get your flying goats with the frik’n laser beams on their heads to shank a bitch in the throat, will they be able to use their stealth ninja skills to leave no evidence that can be traced back to you?
Cause if not, you probably need to add that to the list.
Happy New Years!
I’ve been studying all my life to get away with shanking a bitch. I believe I can. If I can just stop writing aboout it on the internet.
A photo of my liquor is on my blog tonight. I’m going to jump in a lake at Gator Land and see if there’s a bright light. I’ve been left behind by the mother ship and I refuse to hang around for another Christmas fa la la la debacle.
I can’t comment on your blog! It won’t let me! Any way to let a commenter comment under a name and url?
I had a piece of the “White Candy” tonite. I have decided to name it . It will be known from here on out as “WHITE NIRVANA”
a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world. YEAAAAAAAH it was that good….I am now in a diabetic coma, my sugar is 500 and I will sleep until Tuesday… Happy New Year.
Why you all racist with your candy? Ha!
Happy New Year!
If you run out of limoncello (WTF?…assumming you have run out of gin and are on half-rations), you might try this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pruno
I’ve been running with a rough crowd lately.
HAHA! Damn Ketchup?? HAHAHA!
Your Prison Motto for 2012:
“Shiv the Sonsobitches!”
I’m sipping scotch as I read the last post for 2011 one more time. All I can write is Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
My Prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account and a thin body.
PLEASE don’t mix these up like you did last year!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HA! Happy New Year!
Happy new year! I think I’ve survived, but my blood sugar from all of the chocolate cake that I ate yesterday is making me woozy still, so I might have to revise that statement. However, since I still have a little cake left, it’ll be a while before I stop being woozy. Hmmm, now that I’ve mentioned cake, I may have to waddle back down the stairs to get some….
Happy New Year!
You’re going to hate my cousin….Hell I, myself, hate my cousin for this !
(Posted on her FB Today – she refers to Wed. Dec. 28th)
“For those of you who thought I was kidding about George Clooney. Our family had lunch at an organic farm near San Jose Wednesday. That evening – sitting at the same table- George and his girlfriend, Cindy Crawford and husband, A Rod and Steven Spielberg.”
I’ll have to tell her that she was supposed to stab George’s new GF and deliver him to YOU !
Ugh at least throat punch her.
“vomit-flavored wine-cooler….. Yummmmmmmmm! Thanks for that one “The Nickster”. I still have a bit of bubble headache from last night and your talking about vomit-flavored wine-cooler.. I love it .. I may have actually had one of those last night..
Now I feel like an attention whore like…oh I don’t know…maybe someone we know.
Who in the world would that be? Ha!
Still alive Laura?
Where’s your frigging New Years post?
Or did you finally succumb to eye, thumb, throat or whatever rabies?
I’m half dead for sure…more later.
Just checkin’ to see if yer still kickin.’
Also covering my ass so you can’t call me one of those uncaring sunsabitches when you finally do post.
I’m a caring sunsabitch thataway.
HAHA! I’m fine..just busy as hell. Thanks for askin’.
Wake up! Blackeyed peas leftovers and popovers! And other overs!
I’m up, I’m up! Mmm… popovers…
So, hubby picked up my phone to look something up on the internets and this post was up, cuz, well, your site is always up.
His question: What the hell is this post? Is this a sane person?
My reply: Wait, what? (re-read post) This makes total sense to me! What do you mean “is this a sane person”?!?!
Him: (just stares blankly at me)
My conclusion: He’s fucked in the head. I mean, if I’m sane and this makes sense to me, then you’re sane too….so he’s odd man out. Right?
HAHA! You are correct! He’s the non-sane one!!
Ahh. But limoncello rocks, chipped mug or no, and I have yet to find it fail to live up to being a suitable consolation prize for just about anything, even an entire shitty year.
If 2011 was a vegtable it would be a pickled beet. It started of bitter and ended up just plain dirty. If 2011 were an animal it would be an aadvark, and that is just because the chinese calander deemed this so….Actually I just made that shit up,I just really like to say aadvark.If 2011 were a plant, Id say it would have been the year of the cactus, as this year surrounded us with a bunch of pricks. Now, as you enter the new year just think about this, what is the plural of platapus? Platapusses? That cant be right, Platapi? nooooo, Hmmm. Great, now I want to punch a platapus in the throat, unless its illeagel.A craving I will never be able to satisfy. Thanks alot Laura. Shit, Look at me, allready redirecting my own anger onto someone else, fucking resolutions, I guess there is next year. Unless these damn Myans are right.
Thus you shouldn’t make resolutions because I’m fairly certain it is illegal to punch a platypus. But I may be wrong. I’m not a platypus scientist.