If nothing else, this blog has allowed me to continue to upgrade my ticket to Hell.
Christmas was an explosion of gifts, food, and booze, lots and lots of booze. My liver has about five days to recover and then I throw it under a bus again for New Year’s Eve. But that’s okay, I read once that your liver is the only organ in your body that can regenerate itself and since God made us with regenerating livers he must want us all to drink. So if you love God like I do, you’ll drink. And remember, the harder the liquor the quicker to Heaven, which is because your liver will eventually fail from all the booze, which means God actually wants you dead. Damn. Now I’m confused. I guess I should one day read the Bible instead of making shit up to suit my lifestyle.
Anyway, I wanted to show you what my friend Richelle got me for Christmas:
I love my friend Richelle and not because she gets me Ugg boots for Christmas. No. I love her because she makes me laugh every time I talk to her. Like just today:
Richelle: “Girl, I was talking to John the other day and you know he’s a physical therapist, right?”
Richelle: “Well he told me how much he’s making at (blank) and it’s killer moolah.”
Me: “Eek, I don’t care how much they make; you do know they have to touch strangers right?”
Richelle: “I don’t have that stranger-danger-Rain Man ‘oh my god, people have Ebola and Wapner’s on at five’ phobia thing you have.”
Richelle: “Besides, I wouldn’t have to touch them much anyway.”
Me: “Yes you would. You’d have to help them exercise and shit.”
Richelle: “For exercise I’ll just have to touch them once when I shove their asses to the floor and scream ‘NOW GET UP, YOU PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKER!’”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a prayer meeting to attend and by “prayer meeting” I mean a gin and tonic I need to finish. God is love. I love gin. God is gin. Amen.62 Comments
62 Responses to If nothing else, this blog has allowed me to continue to upgrade my ticket to Hell.
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For some reason, after laughing all I can think of is:
LMAO!! I want to join your church! LOL!!
I LOVE those boots!!! I want a pair!! I just have some cheap knock-offs : (
I should start a church. Maybe not.
I have to remember to stop drinking my coffee when I read your blog. lol
Those are some nice-ass boots!
I love my Uggs.
“I guess I should one day read the Bible instead of making shit up to suit my lifestyle.”
I hope you had a great Christmas. It looks and sounds like you did.
I did have a great Christmas and I hope you did also.
I don’t even know where to begin here. I think I’ll have to come back later. I may need more gin….wait…what time is it?
It’s gin time. Hurry back!
Richelle is a good friend… and you two make a great pair. much like your UGGS. Good friends are awesome.. and scarce. It is very special to have each other. Now.. back to that GIN!!! Glad you had a great day.
Okay, you do know we’re not lovers, right? HAHA! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) And yes, she is a good friend and yes, those are hard to come by.
Yes, I definitely know you are not lovers.. HA! But you are definitely two peas in a very fun pod.
Well you DO know that PT’s also get to torture people, don’t you? I’m talking REAL torture, not that silly waterboarding type. Those guys are just mean and then they laugh while the tears run down your face and then charge you an arm and a leg, IF they have left you with an arm or leg that actually works.
But as to that touching thing. Ugg (not the boot kind). I’m there with ya. I hate touching people. But I suppose it’s better than a dental hygenist. Can you imagine flipping rotten stuff out of complete strangers’ teeth?
Now I’ve gone and made myself sick.
The worse- can you imagine being a massage therapist? *Shivers* I would just use a big long back scratcher on people. HA!
I am officially converting to whatever religion follows The Book of Laura… and my Physical Therapist was mostly of the “Get up, motherfucker” variety. Which made me happy, ’cause Hoody don’t do touching.
Girllll, I don’t want any strangers touching me.
If you had the physical therapist I had, you would.
UGGs are cool boots, really they are, not that I know much about it. The Juju Woman likes ‘em, so I’ll take her word for it. You really should start a splinter church in the New Town. The Church of the Poison Mind, or something like that.
Or The Church of the Failing Liver.
Maybe we should create a Drive-In Drive-Out Transplant Center, and raffle coupons at church.
And have spaghetti dinners! I like spaghetti!
Hell yes, I can get all up and downtown with some spaghetti dinners. Fact!
After knee surgery some years back, I was rotated through several physical therapists, every one of which had a PC-based Pulling The Wings Off Flies Simulator.
Did they touch you? ‘Cause I couldn’t stand that.
Hey, I’ve never really taken to organized churches, but your’s sounds like the type of church in which a person could really do some good deeds. How about mission work saving wayward hot vampires or George Clooney-types?
Very nice Uggs, too.
Youi should join my church. We meet on Fridays at the pub.
I read this post at around 4 AM. I laughed so hard at Richelle I couldn’t comment at all.
The girl is funny as hell.
Does it get cold enough there for UGG boots? If not you better get something for the smelly boot rash. Rabies on the foot. It can happen.
If Richelle would like to go into the Occupational Therapy field, please tell her not to cuss at the old people. They call up their children to complain after the therapy sessions. Although they like the complaining, the children do not. Hrm… on second thought, maybe she should add a word or two. I would like to be a thorn in the side of the children in the future.
Happy New Year, I hope the peanut butter bar recipe was a success. As for booze, I can’t look it in the face right now. I used and abused it more than I like and it won’t take my calls anymore.
HAHA! It gets cold enough for boots about 2 months out of the year. The other times I wear them when I travel to colder climates, which hasn’t been much lately- but the boots may change that ” I MUST GO TO ALASKA! I HAVE THE BOOTS!” Like that.
Happy New Year to you!
Great boots. I bought some black ones for myself earlier this month. Sooo warm and my feet don’t sweat – which amazed me. I wear those short, thin, sneaker socks with them.
If God is to be found in a liquid or food, it’s dark chocolate or Teuscher Chocolate Champagne Truffles.
Did you get Uggs? Because mine don’t sweat in them either.
God is in gin and right now I think Jesus is in limoncello.
Yes, 2 weeks before Christmas I bought myself 2 pairs of Uggs. One pair is black and the other is the color yours are but the style is a little shorter. I like Schweppes diet Tonic Water just like it is. My parents liked Gin and Tonics (so do I) and Schweppes was always around. The diet version is sweetened with saccharin, which has been on the market so long it’s been cleared of causing any problems, unlike aspartame and others.
I love my Uggs!! Everyone should have a pair or two.
Man, I was just wishing I had a reason to take up drinking, I’ve been meaning to, and now I have one! It’s because of God!
Silly Richelle. People do so have ebola. And even if they don’t, you don’t know where they’ve been. It’s only common sense not to touch them.
EXACTLY!!! People are gross.
Posts like this one are why I always sprinkle myself and my keyboard with holy water before clicking through to your site…
HAHAH! Better safe than sorry.
I’m working on making my liver regenerate all the time… a new liver is a better liver… right? BTW – Awesome gift.
Aren’t those boots super cool?
[...] at Fetch My Flying Monkees has upgraded her ticket to hell. As a bonus, go here for her disturbing post that is JUST WRONG, [...]
Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine. Which is proof that God wants us to drink. Amen!
I love my liver. My last physical revealed that my liver was totally cool with all the booze I’ve accidentally ingested over the past twenty five years.
I celebrated with Evan Williams, the bourbon of the gods.
Gotta go. My bride dropped 435 matches, and I have to count them and put them away.
Wapner’s on at five.
Livers need worked out. You’re doing it right. Ha!
Your friends are shining examples of compassion and empathy. I’ll drink to that.
They are aren’t they? Cheers!!
The first few levels of Dante’s Inferno doesn’t sound all that bad…….Heck, the boots would even come in handy on the second level of hell……
Then they just catch on fire…
Yeah, if you’ve ever had to go through PT,it feels about that compassionate. This made me ell-oh-ell.
Then she should go for it, eh?
Sounds like she has the mental stamina and hard-heartedness necessary!
You know, in the Catholic Church the 27th was the annual blessing of the wine. And I mean all the wine and alcohol, not just what’s used in Church services. Yes, God wants you to be happy.
I am also not into having a job where I need to touch peoples- I think I’d rather be a trash collector than a massage therapist.
And yes, I’m betting God wants us very happy.
I know this is off topic, but you have a link on your sidebar to a 19th century whiskey bottle: Pure Old Panther Piss. My family actually had a bottle of that stuff! Ours was in a bottle that looked sort of like cut crystal. It was passed down through our family until I finally got it. I sold it in my antique store with a warning sign: Not Suitable for Drinking.For Display Only. And believe me, it was NOT suitable for drinking. I actually tasted it…and it’s a miracle I’m still alive! Ack!!!
Ha! Damn you’re brave! And that’s so cool you had a bottle of Panther Piss!
If god is gin, then Jesus is vodka.
I don’t know why that sounded better in my head. Bugger.
More research is necessary.
And we have 12 apostles…