Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I was never one to save anything from my childhood. I never saved the plastic dinosaurs I played with for hours and hours and, of course, I never saved any of the little green Army men that were annihilated by the dinosaurs because they were all buried in the yard. I never saved my Creepy Crawler Bug Factory whose toxic fumes used to make me woozy and happy at the same time, and I never saved my Easy Bake Oven where I perfected my ground glass cake-making technique by testing them on my unsuspecting doodyheaded brothers. I never saved any of my drawings, my report cards, or my awards. I never saved anything, except this:
I have had this crucifix forever. I don’t remember a time without it. It hung over my bed as a child and it hangs over my bed now as an adult. It’s not fancy or expensive and no matter where I have lived, I have taken it with me and with a small nail, I always hung it over my bed. I know y’all are thinking that I prize my crucifix because I was brought up in the Catholic Church, and attended Catholic school and, well, that may be why my mother first nailed it above my bed. But I pretty much mentally separated from the theology of the Catholic Church when in the first grade a nun told me animals can’t get into heaven.
You see, the real reason I cherish my crucifix is because as a child every night my mother would tuck me in, kiss me on the forehead, and then right before shutting my door she would turn out the light. Terror would set in and in a split second I would, in one swift move, lunge from my covers, grab the crucifix off of the wall and slip back under my covers, pulling them over my head. I would clutch the crucifix to my chest and close my eyes tightly as I imagined monsters, clowns, and vampires hovering over my bed, just biding their time, waiting for my grip to loosen on the magical talisman. But my grip never faltered and I was never attacked by monsters or clowns or vampires. I never will be either.
“You should always stick with what works” sayeth me. Amen.
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100 Responses to I no longer have just a one-way ticket to Hell purchased. No, I now have a private jet reserved that will be piloted by Satan himself. I just hope they serve those little packets of Blue Diamond Smokehouse Almonds. I like those.
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Awww…. nice story.
Teddy-Bears help, too, ya know.
http://funstoo.blogspot.com/2011/10/teddy-bears-protecting-innocent.html
I LOVE that picture! But I’m afraid a teddy bear would be no match for my dog Jack who sleeps with me and would rip it to shreds as I slept. He is why I don’t have nice things- like bears with swords.
Does a Jack-Attack look anything like this?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud1hFVviixc#t=40s
YES! But much worse.
Add a .357 with silver bullets for the werewolves and you’ll be good to go! Happy Thanksgiving…
I have been fortunate not to live in an area with werewolves. I do however have a .357, I just need the silver bullets- you know, in case they migrate. Happy Thanksgiving!
Everybody needs at least one silver bullet. You know the Lone Ranger was always prepared!
How about a silver taser?
Or, if someone dumps a couple they don’t want anymore in the woods. You see it all the time, people dumping pythons and pet alligators in non-indigenous environments and then they wreak havoc.
It’s only a matter of time.
I’m ordering snake/gator repellant as I type this.
LOL! There was once a clown in my house! Yes! So I need a crucifix!!
RUN, do not walk to the nearest crucifix store.
That’s a really good Post. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving and weekend. Eat, Drink, and be Merry.
By the way, that crucifix is probably the reason you developed Stick Science. The Maker works in mysterious ways.
Thanks! You have a great Thanksgiving too!
Yeah, werewolves really aren’t something ya have to worry about in your neck o’the woods.
Were-roaches on the other hand….
Were-roaches…*shiver*
*Shiver* indeed.
Remember “Creepshow”?
YES!!! EEEK!!!
I read your post and my mind went to a place I usually try to stay away from. A place where young turkeys lay in their beds, clutching small crucifixes in the hope they will be saved from Thanksgiving.
HAHAH! Save the turkeys!!
I love it! I love everything you write about about your childhood and your doodyheaded brothers! LOL!
God, they were major doodyheads. Most of the time.
This may explain why I slept with garlic and a Smith and Wesson…
See..and you survived!
Yeah, the Irish nuns told me in first grade that there was no Santa. So I left. Now that I’m Episcopalian, the priests tell me there is no God.
Me and my dog need a new church!
That’s why I started my own. I was meeting in the pub down the street every Saturday, but they wouldn’t let my dog in either. Sonsabitches. So anyway, I worship at home.
If this is a plea for someone to help you get back to your Catholic roots, please let me know. I’d be happy to discuss your lack of knowledge about the church and it’s teachings and the misguided info you got as a child. After all, my son is a priest.
Oh, and you see, Jesus does love you. That’s why he sent you the crucifix.
Umm, no thank you, but thanks anyway. Oh, and congrats on the priest son.
Are you sure? Come on, you know you want to…I’m so lonely…..
Creepy. *clutches crucifix*
Most excellent post! “Stick with what works,” indeed!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks. Happy Thanksgiving to you!!
“I would clutch the crucifix to my chest and close my eyes tightly as I imagined monsters, clowns, and vampires hovering over my bed, just biding their time, waiting for my grip to loosen on the magical talisman. But my grip never faltered and I was never attacked by monsters or clowns or vampires. I never will be either.”
Signs of a guilty mind even as a child and the fact you STILL HAVE IT! wow… such faith!
You really should read the Anita Blake series. They have them in comic books now!
I don’t feel guilty about shit, nor did I as a child, except maybe if I spit in my brother’s milk when they weren’t looking….wait…nope, not then either. Ha!
Happy Turkey day Laura and furry and feathered brood!
Happy Thanksgiving!
I recently threw out a crucifix. I had it for years, not sure where it came from but was superstitious enough to be worried about getting rid of it. If I had known it was protecting me from monsters, vampires and clowns I would have kept it except I probably would have painted it pink or red or blue.
Shit. Now you went and did it. Be careful.
I still won’t have anything to do with a religion that believes animals don’t have souls – what’s up with that? It’s obvious animals have much nicer souls than humans any day.
Yeah, it’s a deal breaker with me.
Except for funnel web spiders, bushmaster snakes, possums, and bobcats. Those suckers are just plain fucking mean.
Well yeah, everyone knows they’re in league with Satan.
As a kid, whenever I saw one of those cross-thingies, I would grab it by the short end at the top and pretend it’s a daggar. I was not welcome at religiousy places.
Did you dodge lightning a lot too?
Ha! Ha! No, I never got any lightning bolts. I thought I heard thunder, once, but it turned out to be my breakfast-burrito!
HAHA! Rolling thunder.
Happy thanksgiving Laura, Jack and J! I, too, have a crucifix affixed on the wall next to my vanity. It does not repel raccoons from chewing into your house.
And Thelma!!! I almost forgot Thelma!
OH MY GOD. You forgot Herman and Tinks!
And no, the power of Christ does not compel raccoons. The lil heathen sonsabitches. Except for Ricky. He was special.
Herman and Tinks! A belated Happy T-day and t-rex day to you. I’m sorry. It was the stuffing anticipation that fogged my brain.
They forgive you.
Look at that talisman: Jesus wasn’t able to save his own arse…how was he going to protect yours?I’m happy you feel protected by your talisman. Personally, I think a Glock would be more practical.Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Laura! BTW…we need more Jack, please.
My momma would not let me have a glock as a child. It was all I had!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Crucifixes (crucifi?) are terrying to me. I used to just recite that stupid “Now I lay me down to sleep” poem. Just cuz I liked it.
Very morbid though. Just like fairy tales.
I have a crucifix just like that. It’s currently hanging in a spare bedroom. I don’t know where it came from. Was is my Mom’s? My Grandma’s? I also will not worship under a religion that says animals have no souls. I wish the crucifix would keep the damn kids from stealing my decorative flags!
Happy Thanksgiving Laura. I’m thankful for many things and your blog is one of them.
Ahh well thank you and Happy Thanksgiving to you!
You should chase the kids that are stealing your flags whilst holding the cricifix over your head screaming “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO STOP STEALING MY FLAGS YOU LIL SONSABITCHES.” I bet that would work.
I believed as long as no skin was exposed to air, then the vampire/clown/monster under the bed could not get me. Except my head would stay above the cover line because what would want to eat a skull with all that hair?!? Gross. To this day, even in extreme summer heat, I must have at least a sheet over my body.
Happy Turkey Day!
YES! Blankets provide a perfect shield. Also, you are trapped, because suddenly, your floor was lava.
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
I love religious artifacts even though I don’t go to church. I collect crosses, crucifixes. prayer wheels, rosaries, worry beads, St. Christopher medals. It’s good to have all your bases covered, me thinks.
I once bought a box full of tiny plastic crosses at a thrift store run by nuns. After I paid for them, the nun gave me a five minute blessing ceremony. So, I think I’m good to go…yes?
Yes. You are good to go. I have a pretty good collection of patron saint paraphernalia, st Christopher, Jude, Caherine, ect. I use them like voodoo. And we all know how good my voodoo is.
I always seriously thought the cruifix was just a sales gimmick in the religous stores, and had no power. Now I see it was something to help save me, must be my problem now!!
Happy thanksgiving to you and your crew (I mean the animals, not the BOB)
You need protection from bitches. Maybe a prayer candle. Or a stick with nails in it..
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!
All of this Jesus talk reminds me of that old Front 242 song “Hey Poor” and the line “No Sex Until Marriage!”
Well, that doesn’t sound like fun, but I’m going to have to look for that song on Youtube now.
It’s an express jet to Hell. Stale pretzel sticks and flat club soda is all they have, but they don’t look in your carry-on bags so you can smuggle circus peanuts and gin.
Happy Thanksgiving!
HAHA! Well, at least there’s that.
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Hey- is that cloth covering all of Jesus there on that crucifix?
Of course it is. My mom would have never given me a crucifix with Jesus’ junk all hanging out.
Absolutely no reason to fix what ain’t broke. I say, clutch away. Sure, nothing has ever happened but…you never know.
Exactly. One night I may be all “Oh, that sound was probably just the ice maker or something” and I don’t clutch and BAM a fucking clown appears at the foot of my bed.
I carry an aluminum “Cross In My Pocket.” Fact.
I fear what might happen during the day, too.
Ahhh, yes, the dreaded day walkers.
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied Johnny.
“How could he, with just two worms.”
Maybe they were big fish.
I know the Dinosaurs were sure suprised:
http://tracedallas.tumblr.com/post/231889868/oh-crap-was-that-today-lmao-so-this-is-how-the
Poor dinos : (
Just so ya know – when you read the Bible in the original Hebrew, it does so say that animals have ‘living spirits’ just like us and speaks of animals being in heaven. So, be strong and encouraged!
YEAH! That’s what I’m talking about.
Simple, beautiful post. Love it. Happy Thanksgiving! Sayeth me.
Heh, I clutched one too
Have a great Thanksgiving!
You too!
I really wish I had kept my Jarts.
Those would come in awfully handy now.
I had those!
Think of the fun you could have with some of your more eclectic neighbors if you could fling some Jarts their way.
Oops! It slipped! I’m soooo sorry!
muwhahahaha
My mother would NEVER trust us unsupervised with anything sharp.
My neighbor had jarts. They lasted most of one summer. After a winter stuck to the roof of their house, there wasn’t much left for the next summer.
I am shocked ours weren’t ever surgically removed.
Get some wooden bullets if you need to kill a vampire. One in the heart is the same as a wooden stake…..Re: destruction – My godparents had a Dachshund named Jiggy, who was so bad about Destroying the mail as soon as the mail carrier pushed it thru the front door slot, that they had to put a mailbox on the outside wall for the mail. Otherwise, Jiggy was a friendly, funny little dog….and No, they were not aware of the word “jiggy” as any slang term…..it Is funny, though.
Remember the scene in True Blood where Jason killed Franklin (BAD vampire) with wooden bullets from a shotgun ?
Awesome.
Get yourself some wooden bullets !
That would take away the thrill of plunging a stake in. Besides, it’s kinda hard to find wooden bullets.
Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving and good shopping today. I’m jealous you have a jet to hell. I’ve only got a handbasket, but it’s all decorated and ready to go.
Throw some of those Smokehouse Almonds in there for the trip!
I hop[e you had a great Thanksgiving and shopping too. I’m still shopping…
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
Quick Sunday School lesson: “The righteous man regards the life of his beast.”
In fact, one of Jesus’ points of contention with the Jewish priests was that they would allow a man to rescue his beastie on the Sabbath, but not allow Him to heal a man on the Sabbath. He knew where their priorities were. That’s why they killed him. It’s dangerous to be right (and powerful) when your religion is wrong.
The crucifix is not a symbol of defeat, it’s a symbol of what petty, power-hungry people will do to someone who makes them look petty and power-hungry. The Jewish priests of Jesus’ day were not unlike our Media elites of today.
I bet vampires were Jewish priesties. Maybe even clowns. Sonsabitches.
I will amend my comment to read: it is dangerous to be right when your religious leaders are wrong.
Truly, I bear not the slightest animosity toward Judaism but merely note the historic context of the political realities of that day.
I agree, Joan.
I have known some very good people who happen to be Jewish – one such couple helped me start my business. Their view of the creator is also pretty spot on, too, I may add.
I loves me some Jewish folks, and their food!
“The crucifix is not a symbol of defeat, it’s a symbol of what petty, power-hungry people will do to someone who makes them look petty and power-hungry.”
This is going in my archive, Joan. Jesus is King: But not by the scales, measures and definitions of the power hungry – and yet he was threat enough to them that they crucified him in that bygone era. Still a threat today, too, considering the war being waged on Christianity today.
I simply love the critters of the earth. They are adorable (at a safe distance – heh) running around in their pajamas. I’d like to think there is a place in ‘heaven’ for them, though I really don’t ‘know’.
It is the miracle of our personal inspiration that makes us ‘unique’ in the animal kingdom, Though sometimes I wonder about some of ‘us’.
http://www.savagechickens.com/2008/05/million-monkeys.html
Come home. We need more party papist girls.
Love,
Your Catholic Conscience.
HA! The Pope and Baby Jesus might disagree.