Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

‘Tis the Holiday Season and all that shit.

By Laura On November 22, 2011 · 65 Comments

So Christmas is going to be here before you know it and like always I haven’t done any shopping even though I tell myself every year I’m going to start in September. The hardest person to buy for is J because he has everything and when I say he has everything I mean he has everything, including a great girlfriend. Shut up. I always end up asking him what he wants and he always says “Nothing” which pisses me off, so I end up buying him weird shit like boring clothes, cashmere socks, RC helicopters, and astronaut ice cream. True story.

So the other day I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said “Nothing.” So I sighed and said ”That’s it! I’m going to get you a baby pygmy goat” and he was all “Umm, NO” and I said “Yes! You can have a baby pygmy goat where you live.” He said, ”Theoretically I can have a goat, but I choose not to” all hoity-toity Nazi-like and I was all, “If you don’t tell me what you want, I’m seriously going to get you a baby pygmy goat. I mean it.” He looked at me all exasperated and said “Get me anything you want to get me Laura, but don’t get me a baby goat.” “Fine,” I said. “I’ll get you a Michael Kors purse.”

I hereby declare this Michael Kors Purse Awareness Month.

65 Comments

65 Responses to ‘Tis the Holiday Season and all that shit.

Yabu says:

November 22, 2011 at 4:49 am

Get him a Schmeisser. You can use it to.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:12 am
  
  Oooo or a schnauzer…
  
  Reply
- J says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm
  
  I’d take a Schmeisser. That would be a very Nazi Christmas indeed. I’d be set for zombies too.
  
  Reply
  - Laura says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 1:20 pm
    
    ‘Bout time you start preparing.
    
    Reply
Holly says:

November 22, 2011 at 5:16 am

Aww shucks, I could have used this plan to defeat D, when he said nothing, I’d have presented him with his very own puppy. HUZZAH But instead we’re doing themed gifts this year and he’s been careful not to select a puppy related category.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:13 am
  
  Puppies fit in every category. Fact.
  
  Reply
Karen says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:07 am

You go girl!

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:14 am
  
  I will. Straight to the Michael Kors outlet.
  
  Reply
Jennifer says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:09 am

LOL! I still think you should get him a baby goat!

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:14 am
  
  I think I should too.
  
  Reply
Princess says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:13 am

Brilliant…..I’m gonna do that too!!!!!!!!! Totally Brilliant..

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:16 am
  
  You gong to get a baby goat, or a Michael Kors purse? I suggest getting both.
  
  Reply
Tink says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:16 am

Ahhh! Good ole Christmas Blackmail … That’s the spirit!

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:28 am
  
  He STILL won’t give me a Christmas list!
  
  Reply
Tad says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:20 am

Does “J” still play? I mean I am 58 and I want a remote control Hummer… A big one.. we have a lot of open fields around us and If I dont get one from my family I’m gonna buy myself one after Christmas when all the sales are on…. just a suggestion.. I bet he plays with it….

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:32 am
  
  Every year I buy him a RC toy. A remote controlled whatever. I go over to his house, knock the dust off, and I play with them and let the animals chase them until a wing or tire gets ripped off or until someone loses an eye.
  
  Reply
- bob says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:51 am
  
  Nothing beats a big hummer!!!
  
  Reply
  - Laura says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 7:17 am
    
    Ha! Everybody likes a hummer.
    
    Reply
Holiday says:

November 22, 2011 at 6:28 am

OMG! you mean you are practical with your X-mas presents… Girl.. Go all Willy Nilly at Christmas. get him things he wont buy himself. like fun things… like … TOYS….like OMG, there’s this place called “bitsandpieces.com” they have the most awesome friggin puzzles and stuff. really cool wooden puzzles, dragons and snakes and boxes and just really great stuff. It’s fun just looking…. oooooooo… AAhhhhhh…

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 6:34 am
  
  I get those kind of things every year for him also! I also get him science stuff. This year he’s getting a MK purse. Ha!
  
  Reply
  - bob says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 6:54 am
    
    It’s not a purse. It’s a European travel bag.
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      November 22, 2011 at 7:16 am
      
      HAHAHAHAHA!
      
      Reply
      - Jena says:
        
        November 22, 2011 at 8:37 am
        
        Bob beat me! ahahahaaaa!!! Are you seriously gonna give it to him? Secretly thinking he will let you have it?
        
        J, if your reading his keep the purse for a while! DO NOT CAVE and let he have it! LOL
      - Laura says:
        
        November 22, 2011 at 8:49 am
        
        I will ask to borrow it.
Curtal Friar says:

November 22, 2011 at 7:53 am

Hmm…ya gotta think out of the box on this one.

Since J apparently wants nothing, maybe that’s an indicator that he is a mostly selfless person who enjoys giving things to others.

So, maybe the best gift would be a gift card to your favorite place where most anything bought from there would get you excited if it were given to you as a gift. That way, you’ve given him a present that will allow him to buy you some really cool shit.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:27 am
  
  You are now hired as my personal assistant/gift card buyer.
  
  Reply
  - Curtal Friar says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 9:59 am
    
    Does this mean I qualify for a box of Carolina goodies like what you sent to Nicole over at Autumn People?
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      November 22, 2011 at 10:10 am
      
      Depends…whatcha sending me?
      
      Reply
      - Curtal Friar says:
        
        November 22, 2011 at 10:39 am
        
        Hmmm….a box of assorted KC BBQ sauces and rubs?
      - Laura says:
        
        November 22, 2011 at 10:41 am
        
        Hmmmm and a Michael Kors purse?
Larry says:

November 22, 2011 at 8:13 am

He has a girlfriend? I hope you beat that bitch’s azz…
Get him a goat IN a MK purse…or holding one…one or the other.
Of course the goat would probably eat the purse…

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:16 am
  
  Oh I see how you are.
  
  Reply
Mr. Bingley says:

November 22, 2011 at 8:29 am

Get him clothes made out of Circus Peanuts.

Then after too much egg nog you can nibble on his collar.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:16 am
  
  The clothes would be eaten before I had a chance to wrap them up.
  
  Reply
Jena says:

November 22, 2011 at 8:34 am

Ssswwweeeeeettttt.

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Jo says:

November 22, 2011 at 8:56 am

You are a genius. (As are those who have commented here before me)

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:32 am
  
  I love my commenters! Well, not love as in “kiss on the mouth” way because, well, eww, but you know what I mean. Oh, and you’re hired as my new PR Director.
  
  Reply
Tina, Escrow Goddess says:

November 22, 2011 at 9:22 am

Surprise him with a trip to Las Vegas for New Year’s Eve! And Party all night like you all have ponies…

(the ponie thing was taken from the bloggess, you know)..

That’s what I want to do for New Year’s Eve so Husband is getting a trip to Las Vegas for New Year’s Eve. I’ll be the blonde in black and silver, probably at the craps tables.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:29 am
  
  I am banned from Vegas. I can’t talk about it.
  
  Reply
Sarcasm in Action says:

November 22, 2011 at 9:27 am

It’s about goddamn time bags get an awareness month!
Can Kate Spade be next month??

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 9:28 am
  
  Ohhhh yes.
  
  Reply
Jeffro says:

November 22, 2011 at 11:03 am

I’d bet J could always use some dinosaurs and extreme spiders. You are so inspirational as a decorator, he won’t be able to help himself with those items as a starter.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 11:23 am
  
  HAHAHA! I don’t think he’d appreciate them.
  
  Reply
Brea says:

November 22, 2011 at 11:30 am

I bet a baby pygmy goat would fit in that MK purse….

I’ll bet J says he doesn’t want anything, because he knows he already has everything- he has YOU after all!

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 11:42 am
  
  Girl, you ARE so right! How could he possibly want more?
  
  HAHAHAHAHA!
  
  Reply
Fluffy says:

November 22, 2011 at 11:59 am

If you have a cat or a dog, there’s a good chance that bag will get chewed up! He said to not get him a BABY goat, so get him a grown pygmy goat!!!

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 12:23 pm
  
  Excellen idea! Maybe TWO grown goats.
  
  Reply
  - Fluffy says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 3:22 pm
    
    Great idea! If you get a male and a female grown goat, in time they’ll probably give you a baby goat! Goats all around!!!
    
    Reply
    - Laura says:
      
      November 22, 2011 at 3:47 pm
      
      YES! A gaggle of baby goats EVERYWHERE!!
      
      Reply
      - Fluffy says:
        
        November 22, 2011 at 4:27 pm
        
        Hee hee! The word gaggle makes me giggle!
Jan says:

November 22, 2011 at 11:59 am

I’m getting everyone (all three people I have to buy gifts for) a gift card. Probably a generic one, so I don’t have to pick the store out too. Anything else is too much work, and all about being lazy. That’s my gift to myself, not doing any work this Christmas.

(My dad is as bad as J. Everything he wants, he already has, and if he doesn’t have it, it’s because no one can afford it. Damn gift Nazis.)

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm
  
  I KNOW! There should be a law against it.
  
  Reply
Marianna Annadanna says:

November 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I”m feeling a bit Scroogy this year, but now I’m in the spirit for some Christmas cheer – ahem, no, what am I saying. PURSES. I’m in the spirit for PURSES.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm
  
  PURSES!!! They are very festive.
  
  Reply
Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd says:

November 22, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Baby rattlesnake, baby chicken, baby polar bear, baby skunk, baby cockroach – the possibilities are still endless.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm
  
  Ha! Skip the cockroach baby. Eeek.
  
  Reply
LC Aggie Sith says:

November 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Any smoooother and you’d be puree.

I think you should get him a Christmas Spider™, complete with blue balls.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm
  
  One tied to a goat right?
  
  Reply
  - LC Aggie Sith says:
    
    November 22, 2011 at 6:11 pm
    
    Well, YEAH!!!
    
    Reply
SOYLENT GREEN says:

November 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Well played.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm
  
  I thought so anyway.
  
  Reply
One Crazed Chick says:

November 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I know..I know! Borrow his credit card, pay for a trip to LA (or Italy) to meet George Clooney. That way, you both win. He gets a trip AND a chance to bail you out for stalking. And then to make up for you being arrested, he can buy you a Michael Kors purse for the trip back

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm
  
  Excellent…but I don’t think he’ll fall for it.
  
  Reply
Nicole says:

November 22, 2011 at 8:21 pm

So… no pygmy goat. Boy, he’s tough. Gotta step it up to a pygmy hippo, obviously.

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- Laura says:
  
  November 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm
  
  Obviously.
  
  Reply