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Hershey murders Halloween dreams. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Dear Hershey Candy Company,

I just wanted to write to inform y’all that on Halloween Day my employer set out a basket of Halloween candy and by the time I got to it, the people I work with had already been on it like a flock of vultures on a Wildebeest carcass on the Serengeti in a National Geographic special and all that was left was a pile of those weird lemon-flavored Tootsie Rolls and two mini-bags of mini-pretzels. I was about to turn away, but decided to dig through to see if by chance the school of piranha bitch buzzards had missed something, and lo and behold they did! I discovered one of your candies, my number one favorite, a mini-Almond Joy bar!  I quickly slipped it into my pocket and decided to go back to my desk and savor its almondy chocolatey coconuty deliciousness in peace. I tore into the wrapper and pulled the bar out. That’s when I’m pretty sure I heard the little Baby Jesus cry in Heaven.

This is the moment Hershey dragged my Halloween into a dark back alley, shanked it, and then left it lying on the filthy garbage-strewn asphalt to bleed to death.

That’s right. There was no almond on top. NO. ALMOND. No almond makes it a Mounds Bar, NOT  an Almond Joy. A Mounds Bar is NOT one of my favorite candy bars. It’s like fifth, maybe even sixth, on my list behind a Zero Bar- and fifth or sixth is NOT number one.

Now I don’t expect you to, say, invite me to your fancy factory for a free taste-tour or even send me a free full-sized Almond Joy or even a coupon. No, no that’s silly. I’m going to be reasonable here and say I expect you to fire your whole quality control staff. That’s right. Because if this becomes the “norm” and more Almond Joys go out without an almond, not only do you make the little Baby Jesus cry, but the terrorist win. Do you want to responsible for that, Mr. Hershey Candy Company?

95 Comments
 

95 Responses to Hershey murders Halloween dreams.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! OH NO! Your Halloween WAS ruined! Damn that Hershey Candy Company!

  2. Heather says:

    “the school of piranha bitch buzzards” LOL! I now have a new name for my co-workers!

  3. Laughingmom says:

    I think you are being reasonable in your request. True story: I once got a bag of Tootsie Pops with no tootsie centers, in other words LOLLIPOPS!they must have thought I was a “sucker!”

  4. Curtal Friar says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

    Okay, I needed that. Pirahna Bitch Buzzards? I’m gonna have to remember that one. You do have a gift, Laura.

    And I agree, fire all those bastards. What’s next, a regular Hershey bar inside a Mr. Goodbar wrapper?

  5. Tink says:

    I am sorry for your loss.

  6. Princess says:

    Similar story. My youngest daughter (she was 15 at the time) and I were driving home and she had purchased a packet of Life-Savers. Were talking and all of a sudden she says “Look Mom.. It’s a virgin Life Saver.. No Hole! HHHHahhahahHAAHhahhah! She ate it…..Later after telling this story for a few hours, we found out Life-savers was having a contest and if you found the piece with no hole you won a new VolksWagen. So there’s that! Did you eat it?

  7. Either 1) the QC staff needs glasses, or 2) the QC staff has been infiltrated by terrorists.

    I vote for #2.

  8. Lizzybeth says:

    Two words – Justifiable Homicide. Someone should pay (or at least cough up a couple of coupons! To have damaged someone so frail and vulnerable, in such a grievous and malicious manner is — unspeakably evil. I can see where this type of thing could shake the very foundation of your trust in your fellow man (or the candy manufacturers’ QC programs). The travesty! The injustice! Imagine if there were no peanut butter in your mini Reeses cup????? That is a harbinger ofthe impending ‘Pocolypse, ya know.

  9. patti says:

    so there!

  10. Jena says:

    ROFL!!! Poor Laura. They should fire QC! No telling how many bags of those mutant non almond Almond Joy’s got out!

  11. Jess says:

    I’m shocked and concerned. There is no clearer indication of the apathy that’s ruining our society. What’s next? Paydays without peanuts?

  12. Gah! It’s like a nightmare or something. I’m sorry for your loss (of almond.)

  13. Janie Jones says:

    Oh noes!!!! What is becoming of this world. Now that’s a scary Halloween story. You should seek counseling.

  14. Rita says:

    Well, it’s obvious to me that the Hershey company has sexually harassed you. How could you not realize their obvious implication of the nutless candy bar? Women = no nuts, ergo YOU have been sexually harassed as they fully expect that you will now have to beg them for their nuts.

    Should be worth a few thousand in my book.

    • Laura says:

      WHAT? A few thousands? Oh hell yeah. I’m gonna jump on that bandwagon then!

      • Rita says:

        I’m sure Gloria Allred would be happy to represent you. I mean when she’s not out performing her high-priced call girl activities. Oh wait, they’re the same thing. Nevermind. Give her a call, she’ll have this all over the main stream media in 15 minutes.

        • Laura says:

          That woman is weird. She’ll probably take all my Almond Joys I win from Hersheys.

          • Rita says:

            Oh God. She’s like Beetlejuice. One mention of her name and out of the gates of hell she comes.

            Looks like she’s “otherwise occupied” now, guess you’ll have to seek another high priced call girl attorney to sue the Hershey harassers.

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    Funny. I had exactly that same candy yesterday, and mine had two almonds in it.

    and I really wanted a Mounds.

  16. Amanda says:

    Ick, almonds. But I hear ya. That would be like a peanut butter cup with no peanut butter…a cream puff with no cream…a bacon, egg, and cheese with no bacon. What the hell has the world come to??!!

  17. Rachele Deagnon says:

    So, that stolen brownie link. . . its from your work isn’t it? And that’s why you all had to do random drug testing! Gotta hand it to that lady, she was smart. . . I think I would have done the same thing and laughed my ass off at the stupid bishes that stole my brownies.

  18. Rose says:

    Maybe the piranha bitch buzzards sucked the almond out of the Almond Joy much as they suck the joy out of your life on a daily basis. :)

  19. Erik says:

    At my work, if you get an email saying, for example, that there are cookies in the breakroom, you are too late. They will be gone

    On another note…

    I saw a commercial last night for refinancing your mortgage, and they had a line, I swear, that said, “Do your part for the economy and refinance you home.” I almost shed an American tear and in the fight against terror…

  20. ManhattanMaven says:

    This made me laugh SO HARD…but i do agree with you that it’s just a metaphor for how our entire society has just turned to CRAP!! I had a birthday a few weeks ago and i’ve just hit that age where I HATE EVERYTHING! No really…EVERYTHING SUCKS these days and an almond joy without an almond just epitomizes that perfectly! I’m SURE if i didn’t live in a Manhattan apartment building i’d be yelling “you kids get off my lawn” at the top of my lungs right about now!! AARRGHHHHH!!!

  21. Jeffro says:

    I sincerely hope the loss of the almond in your diet doesn’t bring on starvation. I hear that aggravates thumb rabies in the worst way. If it affects your blogging, I say it’s time to occupy Hershey’s.

  22. LeeAnn says:

    Sometimes you feel like a nut… sometimes you get fucked over by the quality lack-of-controllers.

  23. Kim says:

    I’m paralyzed with distraughtedness about your situation. Because I’m looking at those shitty green Tootsie Rolls right now AND THEY SUCK! THEY FUCKING SUCK!
    I don’t like Almond Joy bars, but I can root for a sister.
    I would hold Mr. Hershey Candy Company down while you kick him.

  24. Holy shit, I JUST tweeted about discovering that lemon Tootsie Rolls exist at the vet’s office, and boom, next I see you are describing the exact circumstances by which I found them – candy dregs.

    And I hate coconut, so unfortunately neither a Mounds Bar or an Almond Joy would have kept me from begrudgingly grabbing a lemon Tootsie Roll and eating it because God damn it, I saw a bowl of candy and have to eat something, now.

  25. nightfly says:

    You know… that wasn’t even a Mounds, either. Mounds bars have dark chocolate, not milk chocolate. They just decided to completely shiv your candy break.

    Maybe you should start a movement. It’s not fair that 1% of the workers gobbled 99% of the awesome candy. #occupyhalloween

  26. No, Laura. It’s not even a Mounds bar–they are covered in dark chocolate.

    This is a FauxMars, an imposter…the Thing From Another World Bar–and a CD-version copied from an old VCR tape Bar at that.

    *Total Global Infection: 55,000 hours after first contact*

    Burn it!!!!

  27. One Crazed Chick says:

    Someone took your nut???????

  28. Larry says:

    The least they can do after this travesty is load a dump truck with properly quality-control checked Almond Joy bars and dump it in your living room, then put the heads of those who missed the almond (thus making it just a No Joy bar) on top of the pile, to make up for your emotional trauma.

  29. Old sixth-grade naughty joke:

    What’s six inches long, has two nuts and makes a woman fat? Almond Joy!

    ;)

  30. Erinyes says:

    So it’s safe to say you weren’t feeling like a nut that day? And the people at Hershey’s were intuitive enough to know that? That’s kinda creepy…

  31. rick says:

    You should sic Jack on their lame asses.

  32. Jerry says:

    A further sign that our country is withering!

  33. The Nickster says:

    Would it be inappropriate to say “I’ve got your nuts right here in my hand”? For some reason that seems wrong, but at the same time, apropos.

  34. aithne says:

    I am worried. This is not acceptable. How did this get past the QC people in the first place? Are they real people? Now this brings the question up of if things, important things, go missing in a candy bar, is it also possible things also get added that should not be there?

    But the biggest question and most important, other then are you ok? What were the odds you got that one?

  35. Cheryl says:

    It was still better than the lemony tootsie roll thing or mini-pretzels! Of course you could have taken the mini-pretzels and kind of dipped them in the almondless Almond Joy.

  36. Yabu says:

    Shit like that will be a hanging offense in my new town.

  37. QueenBee says:

    I was laughing so hard I almost spit out my Almond Joy bar!

  38. Jess says:

    If your blog was like heroin, I’d be at the point I’d be shaking and pissing my pants.

  39. Jan says:

    It isn’t only Halloween dreams that Hershey kills. They don’t make anything anymore that isn’t cheap shit in a fancy wrapper. Their garbage makes me want to puke. So almond or no almond, Hershey is dead to me.

    • Laura says:

      Tell us how you really feel.

      I personally like Godiva best. The truffles. And I had some kind of coconut cherry candy bar in Australia that I would sell my left kidney for a year’s supply of those. But I wanted my Almond Joy : (

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