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Doctor, doctor give me the news. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Monday morning I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden there was a fireball in my chest that kept getting worse. I was all “OH FUCK!” and thought back on the pamphlet the water company sent me.

Then my arms got all super weak and weird feeling. It hurt lke a motherfucker and did not go away. I didn’t want to die at work so I went to Palmetto Health Emergency Room. They immediately hooked me up to a bunch of stuff, took a bunch of blood, took x-rays and scans, and stuck me in a room with a TV and a telephone. I turned the channel to the Food Network because if I was going to die I wanted to at least be looking at what I loved (food, not Paula Deen) and there wasn’t a George Clooney movie on. So I laid there for hours and hours hooked up to all kinds of monitors and shit even after the pain subsided and I decided to call Richelle and tell her that apparently all the good-looking men in Columbia work at Palmetto Health ER because the desk area outside my room looked like a cattle-call for a GQ calendar photo-shoot called “Hunks in Scrubs.” Seriously.

Anyway, I didn’t die and Tuesday I had an appointment with a new cardiologist within the Palmetto Health Hospital because of my history of previously dying and I think he must have been December in the GQ calendar because he was hawt as Hell. When he asked me to describe the pain in my chest I told him it was in the center but then went to a boob, then the other boob, and then in little circles on both and I said “Here. Let me have your hand and show you.” But he wouldn’t fall for it and kept saying “I can examine you with your pants on, Ms. Ledford” throughout the exam.

Turns out I’m fine and I now have a $15,000+  acid reflux diagnosis but I do have a follow-up appointment/date with Dr. December and this time I’m bringing a boombox to play some Barry White… maybe some scented candles…

Romantical shit like this…

89 Comments
 

89 Responses to Doctor, doctor give me the news.

  1. Larry says:

    Good to see you aren’t dead, I was starting to get worried.
    What does J think of Doc December?

    • Laura says:

      He rolls his eyes about all my crushes. Like I told him after my appointment “I love Dr. December so much I would have a bunch of little cardiologist babies with him” and J just laughs, rolls his eyes and says “Oh Lord.”

  2. Jeffro says:

    WTF? Your karma must really suck. After going through all that you couldn’t get a “hunk o hunk o burnin’ love?” That sucks.

  3. Jennifer says:

    OMG the same thing happened to me once (minus the good-looking doctors.) Acid reflux $15,000.00 later! But I didn’t mind, just the releif that it wasn’t my heart was worth it! I’m glad it turned out well and you have a new crush! lol

  4. Heather says:

    What a relief! Are you sure you weren’t drugged up when you saw all those hawt men?

  5. Jess says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t tell him you’ve been worried because your nipples taste just like lemon drops.

    I have GERD and a hiatal hernia. I didn’t know I had either, until my gallbladder attacked me with razor blades(that’s what it felt like). I take a little white pill every morning and it stops the misery of heartburn.

    • Laura says:

      HAHA! I now have to take a little purple pill every day and thank God I don’t have to give up my Circus Peanuts! Or gin.

      • Jess says:

        I had the full endoscopic torture procedure two month ago.(Did you know they use MovePrep in car batteries?) I was a drooling idiot when the doctor came in with the preliminary results, so I missed the briefing. My wife’s description was that the doctor had found some polyps and taken tissue samples for testing.

        I was a little worried, mostly because of the way my wife told me what the doctor said. When I went to the doctor, he told me there were no polyps and he always took a tissue sample of someone with GERD to verify the initial diagnosis of not finding Barret’s Esophogus. So, my wife was wrong, but right, although she had the ends mixed up, which proves I don’t talk shit.

        Anyway, fun was had by all and the nurse apologized for blowing out a vein when she inserted my IV.

  6. One Crazed Chick says:

    Only you would try to have a heart doctor appt and try to take your pants off!! LOL

  7. patti says:

    Told ya you need a hunky first responder to move in with you – I guess hangin with hawt doctors and what not at the ER will have to do for now, but you might want to run an ad on Craig’s List or something.
    You shoulda asked Dr Hawty to kiss it and make it all better.

  8. Boneybutt says:

    When I cut my fingertip off of my middle finger working at Mcdonalds as a teenager, I had to go to an Army Hospital to get it fixed, they made me take my pants off. Obviously, you didn’t go to a former military doctor

  9. THANK YOU FOR NOT HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
    Acid reflux? Next time eat some food with all that fancy imported beer and gin you drink. Like some Doritos. Problem solved.

  10. Hoody Hoo says:

    My poor baby! Hopefully your reflux is not Circus Peanut-related… and I really don’t think hypochondriacs like us should date doctors…

  11. Tink says:

    There is NOTHING better than a “HOT DECEMBER”……. I have to move closer . I wanna go there….

  12. Tea says:

    I had a buncha acid-related problems too once. Which isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds like it could be… but even after seeing every doctor, specialist, and medical equipment operator in the state, I didn’t see one hawt doc. Now I can see that this is because they all live in the south.

  13. Princess says:

    Barry White and a Boombox… Hysterical…… I bet he is still talking about you!

  14. MorningGlory says:

    I’m so relieved to know that you’re still among us, blogging and shit. It can be pretty scary, I know. Last fall when I STOPPED BREATHING I didn’t get to have even one of the hawt doctors; I guess lung dudes are the cardiology rejects. Gotta go now; I have an appt. for my pulmonary rehab (yes, I’m in rehab – did you know that?). It’s a new place, so I’m hoping for at least one hawt doctor (male, please).

  15. cricket says:

    Dude! Major suckage losing fifteen grand that way. That’s why they are all so hot, to even out the shock of the bill.

    Relieved your going to be OK.

    • Laura says:

      Thanks. Yeah, it sucks majorly, but when you’re in severe pain any amount is okay. I’ll check my itemized hospital statement when it comes to see if they added a “Hawt Fee.”

  16. Dannie says:

    please don’t die. Do whatever means necessary to keep you alive….plus hoard food, ravage stores for everything including gas….

    I’m on your side

  17. Glad you’re okay, Laura.
    Good thing it wasn’t boob leprosy, they would have charged more than 15k.
    Besides, nothing kills the mood like one of those things falling off during an “examination.”
    Then again, Mr. December might like a keepsake. especially if he’s a closet serial killer.

    Good luck. Don’t forget the gin…and make sure you find the remote for the exam table–technology is your friend.

  18. Curtal Friar says:

    Glad to hear you’re okay, although your pocketbook might not be.

    Speaking of George, what do you think of his new girlfriend? You’ll have to be careful with that one, she shapes up to be a real brawler. Of course, you have your intelligence and a dose of pure diabolical mean on your side, but still, she looks like she’d give ya quite a rumble.

  19. The Oracle says:

    My non-heart attack last month has generated only $5,000 in bills. So far.

    • Laura says:

      You must have went to “The Dollar Store of Emergency Care Center.” Ha! Seriously though, I hope you’re okay and any price is A-OK with me when it hurts that bad.

  20. John D says:

    I wanted to be a cardiologist, but I wasn’t good looking enough. :(

    Congrats on not being dead, btw.

  21. rdennis says:

    Glad to hear your heart didn’t quit. Cuz, you’d be, like, so weird as a zombie, dude!

  22. I am SOOOOOOO happy to hear you are ok!! I was praying like Crazy Betty at a three day revival, complete with snakes and speaking in tongues. Hubby told me to quit the gibberish, but I broke from my trance long enough to tell him this was for Laura, and he then gave me the go-ahead, plus he even threw in a few Bibles around my feet to seal the deal.

    THAT’S HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU!!!

  23. Sherri says:

    Glad you’re ok!! I have the same issues with acid reflux. Unfortunately my doctor is a woman…not hot but I love her anyway in a totally non-homosexual way!

    My worry now is that when I really DO have “The Big One” I’ll pop some Tums instead of going to the ER. Since Dr Ross doesn’t work there and I’ve never seen anyone hawt there what’s the point of going anway? (other than the whole dying thing)

    • Laura says:

      In all honesty, I think the same way. Dr. December was all “Never ever think you have GERD or ingestestion again, always come in” at least I think that’s what he said, I was too busy looking into his dreamy baby blue eyes picturing us making sweet. sweet love by the EKG machine .

  24. Kim says:

    I’m so glad it wasn’t your heart. I’m sorry your innards are in an uproar, though. You could make Pepto/Circus Peanut shakes maybe? Welcome back, whew.

  25. BreAnn says:

    When you go back tell him you need a breast exam while you’re there, just in case. You can never be too careful! Tell him not to be afraid to call June and July from the hall for assistance.

  26. rdOtter says:

    I think you need to dress up Holiday Spider to celebrate not dying at work. “Ha ha, you bunch o’ bitches, can’t get rid of me that easy!”

  27. Liz says:

    I’m so glad you are not dead! Too bad about the stupid purple pills. What’s the street value of those?

    I think your bill was $15,000 because those hawt docs need to pay for their plastic surgery some how!

    PS – Gin cures acid reflux. FACT! You are obviously not drinking enough of it.

  28. Jena says:

    Damn thats scary indeed. Sean has acid reflux so he knows that pain, er… well except for the boobs..pain in boobs..i will shut up now.

    Get a pic of the dr! LOLOL

    Im glad they figured it out, seriously.

  29. Jena says:

    And I emailed you to check on you yesterday!

  30. Brea says:

    Hawt doctor time!!! Supremely glad you didn’t die!!

  31. Nicole says:

    Wow. You could get a lifetime supply of Prevacid or Tums for $15k. At least you got eye candy.

  32. I had a similar experience when our family medical practice hired a gorgeous female doctor. During my annual physical she told me I’d have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why she said she was trying to examine me.

    Did you know it’s perfectly legal for them to throw you out of a doctor’s office and that doesn’t qualify for a malpractice suit……..even if you bang your head on the sidewalk and have to be hauled off to the ER because they won’t let you back inside not even long enough to stop the bleeding?

  33. DogsDontPurr says:

    My husband and I have spent enough time in the local hospital that they should really name a wing after us. (He’s got heart problems and I…well, don’t even get me started!)

    Little did I know that for an extra $15,000 we could have had the hawt doctors. And believe me, I would have paid it!

    I guess I better go re~read our insurance policies!

    (Glad you’re Ok…phew!)

  34. Elphaba says:

    Maybe it would help if you laid off of the circus peanuts and sketchy international beer? Just sayin’….

    That said, I’m SO very glad that you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do without your (almost) daily dose of crazy. I live for it. :D

  35. I wouldn’t want to die at work either. When I was working, no one could be bothered to clean the coffee pot, so who knows how long my decaying carcass would be lying around. I’m a lot heavier than a coffee pot.

    Anyhow, I’m very very glad you are not dead! Heart problems are scary.

  36. My gyno doctor in St.Augustine looked like Hugh Grant’s better looking brother and with better teeth. And yes, British.

    Damnation, but he was hawt!

  37. dana says:

    Get undressed and in those stirrups before he enters the room. You can always fake amnesia and say you thought you had a gyno appointment with him.

  38. You’re nuts. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

  39. Glen Lerner says:

    So glad you didn’t die. Could it be a side effect of thumb rabies?

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