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Maybe I should put up a “No Solicting” sign. Nah, that’d ruin all the fun. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

It’s Sunday night and I’m just killing time before True Blood starts. It’s the season finale and I like to see things through, especially when they involve good-looking Viking male vampire nekkidness. I finished off my imported beers this weekend along with my liver and just a little while ago I think I felt my pancreas explode. I’m holding my internal organs together right now with aspirin and ginger ale until my show’s over. After that, who knows. Oh, I had a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses come to my door this weekend to see if they could convert me or save my soul or some shit and they handed me their pamphlet, The Watch Tower. I took it from them with one hand and took a gulp of my fancy imported beer with the other. Then I looked at them with one eye squinted all Deliverance-like, and said “Are there crossword puzzles in here? ‘Cause I like me some crossword puzzles.” They said “No” so I said “Get off my porch! And take this with you!” Then I turned my head back toward the house and loudly announced ”SMITHERS! RELEASE THE HOUNDS!” They left. True story.  

Now gaze upon my new red stapler whilst I go get more aspirin. I just heard another organ explode.

85 Comments
 

85 Responses to Maybe I should put up a “No Solicting” sign. Nah, that’d ruin all the fun.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LOL! I hope your internal organs are feeling better!

  2. Heather says:

    I want a red stapler!

  3. They do have crossword puzzles, but it’s only to torture you with obscure Biblical names no one can spell, so they can use it against you when the rapture comes.

    *Voice of God*– “Laura, didst thou motherfuck the seventh daughter’s handmaiden Belulhashman while eating circus peanuts and drinking gin?”

    It’s a scam. They really don’t want you with them at the end. Sonsabitches.

  4. Tericotta says:

    Now that is a real attention whore stapler…. RED! yeah!

  5. Rita says:

    Wait, your story isn’t clear. Which did you throw at them, The Watchtower or your fancy beer?

  6. wpdunn71901 says:

    swear to GOD, back in the 80′s i was living in Savannah GA and evidently i was on the JW route cos i was getting a visit from them like a bazillion times a week
    this of course was putting a crimp in my romance style, so i decided to do something about it, after a brainstorming session i,e, drinking a bottle of schnapps, i had an idea.
    next time they knocked, I opened the door au natural and proceeded to dance a irish jig

    NOT my proudest moment

  7. Jena says:

    bbwbwahahhahaaaaa….. you should have said they sure had a purty mouth!

  8. Hoody Hoo says:

    The God-botherers quit coming to our house after Dear Sweet Mama offered them a ride up the hill (it was raining and she felt bad for them on their little Mormon bikes). Which is good because it meant we could sleep in, but bad because we had been gonna ask them about their underwear.

  9. patti says:

    oooooo – shiny!

  10. Yabu says:

    I’ve been to Iceland before, and those Viking females ain’t bad either.

    The last time the Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up at my door, I offered ‘em a beer. No shit, I did. Then I did my Alien impersonation. They ignored my Beware of Dog and No Soliciting signs, but looked at me all funny like when they heard me hissing and doing some Jeet Kuen Do Juju moves. True Story. Stretch was all barking and shit, doing flips behind the gate, and basically getting all up on ‘em. I told ‘em if they dropped any flyers on my porch, I’d open the gate and cut him loose. They have yet to return.

  11. Tea says:

    There’s no way I’d have been able to resist trying out my fancy new red stapler on their pamphlet/booklet/judging material before tossing it back at them. So you should be commended for your self control, really.

  12. Dannie says:

    my mom just ignores the 5 minute door knocking and hides. LOL

  13. nightfly says:

    I hate to bear bad tidings… but you need to save some hounds. Rumor has it that George has hisself a new floozy…

  14. Curtal Friar says:

    Ah, yeah….There’s so much fun to be had with Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons.

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    Schmaybe you should watch some wrestling to help you relax.

  16. Bitterroot says:

    I took a more proactive approach toward the ones who annoyed me the most – Mormon missionaries. I grew up in Utah where it was illegal to kill ‘em, so I’d occasionally give them a surprise Near Death Experience™ for free.

    In the days before anti-lock brakes and big, gas-guzzling engines, I drove a Pontiac GT37 – which was the bastard child of a GTO and a Tempest. BIG engine, no Power NOTHING and a fucking AM-only radio, but it was fast as Hell. I drilled the air pan so it looked like Swiss-cheese because I couldn’t afford one of those fancy super-breather chrome things. The net effect was that when you stomped on the gas, you could hear a sucking sound and roar like the Gates of Hell were opening up to swallow you.

    This was especially effective whenever I happened to see a pair of Elders pedaling their little girl bicycles alongside the road… From about a hundred feet away, I would stomp the gas until I was just even with them, then simultaneously stomp the brake – locking the wheels up – while I hit the horn. So all they heard from behind was ROOOOAAAARRR – SCREEEEEEEECHOOOOONK! And they would often dive off the side of the road as I accelerated away. One poor guy even did a cartwheel.

    I’m pretty sure that’s about the time they started legislating mandatory bike helmets…

    As a sidenote, I’ve been wondering if I’m becoming more of an asshole in my old age. Nyaaah – I’m pretty sure I was born with it! ;)

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHAHA! I bet they soiled their heavenly underwear!

      For some reason the JW’s bug me more than the Mormon kids on their bikes. I just think it’s crazy to go door-to-door with your religion or your politics. Now if they were giving away booze, or say ,Circus Peanuts with it, I could get behind that kind of soliciting. But don’t hand me a fucking phamplet with people buring in Hell on the cover.

  17. Are you using the new red stapler to keep your organs from falling apart?
    OR, are you using it to make sure your food melanoma spots don’t fall off before you make it to the doctor?
    Either way, very ingenius use of a cool red stapler.

  18. Liz says:

    The “witnesses” showed up at our house once. They asked the Hubby, “Who is the cause of all the troubles on earth, man or God?” He said, “It’s God, he put the stupid people who smoke crack on earth. He better hurry up and fix something.” They never came back.

  19. Mitchell says:

    Uh oh. It seems Mr. Clooney went and got hisself a new girlfriend.

  20. Jeffro says:

    Several weeks ago a bunch of us truckers parked in a vacant lot next to a motel so we could go to a convenience store for a break. Lo and behold, as we trickled back, out of the motel popped a couple of earnest well groomed young men wearing white shirts, ties and nice slacks. Yep,Jehovah’s Witnesses.

    They tried to hand me a copy of the Watch Tower, but I told them I was eternally damned to burn in hell and there was no hope, so they might as well keep their pamphlets to use on someone they might actually save.

    After the initial shock, they were really pretty cool about it – they really didn’t believe me, but they did leave us alone.

  21. Hunt Johnsen says:

    Way back when I was a hippie on the Big Island we used to get regular visits from the Jehovah folk – they were a lot more entertaining than the Mormons. We figured that they had some really good dope or were into some wild sex thing since they really smiled a lot.

  22. Terri the Terror says:

    I love your commenters. They give me ideas, very good ideas!

  23. jazz1013 says:

    That’s a cherry-red whore stapler! Kinda slutty.

    I like it.

  24. Princess says:

    Once? In Band Camp? No just kidding… a looooooooooooong time ago, My boyfriends Mom (who was a JW) was in the hospital and it was Thanksgiving (which they did not celebrate) so we had his dad over for dinner (the man was hungry). Sooo, sure nuff knock knock knock on the door…. Scotts father said “Let me handle this”(he was Catholic) He answered the door and let them talk for a minute and he said “tell me something…. do you save women too? they said “of course” he said “well do me a favor and save me two and Ill come by Friday nite and pick them up!!” They turned around and walked off and we laughed the rest of the afternoon……

  25. I don’t really understand their fondness of pamphlets. You can’t eat those. Now if they went door-to-door offering free cookies, I’d let them in the house.

  26. They SHOULD put crosswords in there. Or word searches. I’m too dumb for crosswords. You should have shot red staples at them. Wait, are the staples red too, or just the stapler?

  27. Honest officer I wasn’t soliciting. I was just standing here on the corner waiting for a bus and……oh, not that kind of soliciting……never mind!

  28. Larry says:

    Duct tape will keep your organs from exploding. Duct tape can do anything.
    I had the JW’s come and visit me, I confused them so much they had their preacher come the next time (but I wasn’t home then).

  29. Larry says:

    So it’s 5:30 AM EST, an hour past your normal posting time, and I’m officially asking if you need bail or if the rabies got you.

  30. patti says:

    OK, let me be the first to say – I have the DTs this morning without my morning fix.

  31. dana says:

    Hey!! I was in the process of commenting and some damn J.W. must’ave cursed and brought down the comment god, cuz it disappeared!!! (and JUST as I was getting ready to implant my zinger)

  32. Shane Cranford says:

    OK Laura, it is Tuesday and no blog, not even a new link to watch…are you alright? I can only assume this has to do with the announcement on TMZ that George is seeing another woman, or that you are in mourning over the recent staff reduction on True Blood, or Jack has finally had enough and is busy burying your remains in the back yard. If it is one of the first two options, please just let us know you are ok. BTW, who gets custody of Jack in the untimely event of your demise?

  33. Gary says:

    Hey girl..that would have made a great utube video..maybe you could get richell to be the JW and have J do all the camera work..think of all the views you would get you could become a starrrrr..Knowing you are a fame whore and in the chance that george might see it and look you up should motivate you…LMAO

  34. You just reached a whole new level of awesome in my book!

  35. cricket says:

    I was going to needle you about it being Tuesday but I see as usual my timing is crap because you’ve been needled. Hoping the rabies didn’t get you.

    Erm, if the dog chews the stapler, are you going to burn the building down? (Office Space reference)

  36. Michelle says:

    Girl, what the hell has happened that you spent the day at the emergency room. I cannot fathom the idea of you not blogging and make my dull and boring life have SOME purpose (to read your blog). What is going on!

    I hope whatever it is will soon be over and you will be back soon filling our minds with wonder and knowledge.

  37. SB Smith says:

    On the True Blood Halloween thing where the dead may visit….I sure hope dead people I never wanted to see again AREN”T going to come visit ME !

    Damn…..

  38. SB Smith says:

    Saw your FB post about being in the ER most of the day. Hope you’re Ok…..

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