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Help Wanted. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

My friend Yabu is buying a town. I have applied for, and been appointed to, the position of Head Pimp. Yabu wants a town full of whores and every day of my adult life I’ve wanted to slap a whore, so this will be like my dream job. My benefit package includes free medical, dental, and a paid bar tab. Between my rabies, complete organ failure, exotic diseases, the gold front teeth I’ll be needing, and my love of gin, I fear the town may struggle financially so we be needing more whores. Please feel free to apply. We be needing high falutin’ whores, regular whores, bar whores, street whores, and stripper whores. Your benefit package will include free antibiotics, delousing, and weekly slaps upside your  head with  the occasional “Where’s my money bitch?” followed by a stomach punch. As an employment incentive we also offer as part of your benefit package a free funeral, courtesy of the city and The Dead Hooker Burial Society, with your body being carried to your shallow grave in the trunk of the mayor’s car. Salary negotiable, with me, of course, taking a large percentage of it. Applications are now being accepted.

*Crack whores and George Clooney’s ex-WHORES need not apply.

89 Comments
 

89 Responses to Help Wanted.

  1. Random says:

    Sounds like where I work now, except the funeral part. they would never pay for my funeral soooo. I’ll take it…

    • Laura says:

      You will have to be interviewed first which mostly consist of seeing how well you take a slap down.

      • Tink says:

        Um, I think I have learned that particular quality very well.. especially lately.as well as the stomach punches. Yeah those I’m really used to.

        • Laura says:

          And don’t forget pulling knives out of your back.

          • Tink says:

            That has unfortunately become a full time position so I have hired someone to do that for me!. A professional knife puller…Now there’s a position.. possibly you will need one of these?

          • Laura says:

            Oh hells noes, there won’t be any knives in the back in this town. They’ll get thrown out of speeding cars too like they deserve.

  2. Tad says:

    Wont you need some “regular folk”? Someone’s gotta take care of some of those Whores,,,,, I’ll gladly take that position…

  3. Tink says:

    Are we having a “Contest” to name this town? I love your contests.

    • Laura says:

      This is not my town, but Yabu’s. I would vote for something like “Skanktopolis” or “George Clooney Needs To Visit Here City.” This is why I believe I will be left off the town naming committee.

  4. Heather says:

    OH OH! I want to apply! Maybe for high falutin’ whore? The benefits are better than the job I have now. And have you priced the cost of funerals lately? Geesh.

  5. Jennifer says:

    OMG! I want to be apply for bar whore! That way I can be by the drinks! lol

  6. One Crazed Chick says:

    Can I be whore driver, dead hooker removal person? You know I can take a slapdown, been training for it for 25 yrs!!

  7. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I want to apply. I hope you’re not going to discriminate against me for being male. I will file a complaint against you and Yabu’s town with the NAACP, or Labor Board, or CIA or NBC or whoever the fuck I file a complaint with. I want this job bad.

  8. Jena says:

    Well with all that sweet talkin’ and the whole shebang, it’s a given to SIGN MY UP! I wanna be a high flautin’ hoochie mama. Joe, i’ll watch your back iffin you watch mine!

  9. Jena says:

    My file should be under BDSM.

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    I have applied to be your Deputy Pimp, and here is our Department Motto:
    “Bitch betta have mah money,
    Come rain, come sleet, come shine.
    Bitch betta have ALL my mothah-fuckin’ money,
    Or I will slap her down, and take what’s mine.”
    It’s the first poem Dear Sweet Mama ever taught me as a child… ah, memories…

  11. Yabu says:

    We’ve got some hiring to do…be back later. Probably need to create some more positions.

  12. aithne says:

    Oh! I am so in! But I don’t think I would do a good hoochie whore. Turning 50 soon and I would scare off the tourists. Anything else available? I mean funerals and all are starting to look like it is something I need to plan soon. (Those commercials are starting to get to me seeing I will be getting my AARP card soon.)

  13. rdennis says:

    Seeing as that is only a little over an hour away, let me know when you get it bought and move in and I will be down for a visit and to check out all your whores.

  14. I just heard there is a town for sale at the low price of $800,000. Is this the same town? It has two jails!

    • Laura says:

      I believe so. Yabu has a link. We will probably be building more jails, but maybe not because I think we’ll have an executioner that will stay pretty current.

  15. Jan says:

    I’ll be the head gardener and orchard keeper. I understand compost and I can tell that this town is going to generate tons. Special requests for specific “herbs” and other “medicinal” plants will be considered on a case by case basis. Bribes cheerfully accepted.

  16. Sorry, Laura. After being RIFed twice in 23 years I have made a solemn vow never to work for the US Gov’t. again!

  17. Oddybobo says:

    There must be a job for me there somewhere… perhaps… mwahahaha!

  18. AmyLynn says:

    Oh My!

    I volunteer to administer the anitbiotics. In shot form, to the gluteus maximus.Line em up.

    Do you think Mila Kunis might be hired?

    that is all

  19. Liz says:

    I wanna be a bar whore too. But only if I can drink all the tequila (gin will do when the tequila runs dry).

    I’d also like you to hire my hubby. He drives a mean forklift and you’ll be needin’ something to haul the dead hooker bodies to the burial pits. FACT.

  20. Dannie says:

    I want to apply……..to be your bodyguard. While being a whore sounds appealing, I have to be careful of all that wholesome modeling I signed up for when I suddenly became mom.

  21. Pimpin’ ain’t easy. Bitches be crazy! Sounds like you and Yabu got it under control, though.

  22. Jena says:

    I think you scared off the other commenters/applicants! ha! You will need servants too, cook, etc.

  23. rdOtter says:

    Ooh, I want to apply. Then I can mope around saying, “For THIS I went to grad school”. Besides, I’ll be unemployed after I defend and I’m used to knives in the back and daily slaps.

  24. Lemur King says:

    If you have a position for eccentric (read: weird) techno-whore, I’d like to apply for the position. Is there a formal position of “town idiot” or is it a rotational kind of thing?

    Naming… hmmm… well, I would love it if someone made a song called “When Love Comes to Whoretown” so that’s my two-bit’s worth.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAH! The Whoretown song would be a hit!

      • DearSweetMama says:

        When love comes to Whoretown
        It brings smiles to all the bitches.
        They like that hot loving –
        except it gives them itches.

        They use a little spray and rum
        to take away the sadness
        And party on throughout the night
        With all their glorious badness!

        (Okay, it needs a little work and I need a little margarita. If I am going to be Poet(ess) Laura-ette, I need major amounts of liquor.

  25. Larry says:

    Sounds like you might need a professional knuckledragger to fix up all those backhoes, forklifts and high-speed hooker disposal vehicles. I’m your guy!

  26. I got a sailboat for the hookers who want to be buried at sea. Gotta weigh ‘em down with cheap jewelry and heavy shoes though, or they’ll float back into Charleston Harbor and end up at Fort Sumter.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAH! They’ll probably get stuck in the seagrass and before you know it they’re weaved into a basket being sold at the City Market too.

  27. I’ve already determined what my stage name will be should I ever become a stripper, and I can do the splits, so I’m probably a shoe-in.

  28. CGHill says:

    Street whores might actually prefer lousing to delousing: it’s closer to what they’re used to.

  29. kim says:

    What about a professional tease?

  30. Jeffro says:

    What are a bunch of whores without junkies? I’m a hell of a food junky – you need me to “inspect” the local eateries and such on the .gov dime!

  31. ManhattanMaven says:

    Ohhhh…laser guided kitty is EXCELLENT!! I’ll bet you could get Jack & Tink to do that! Thelma would probably just give you a withering glance though…she’s very superior!

  32. Jason says:

    Can I be town drunk?

  33. [...] Fetch My Flying Monkeys – Help Wanted (Be sure to read the comments) [...]

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