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When you are driving a post-apocalyptic vehicle it’s good to practice post-apocalyptic maneuvers. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

In my mind's eye, these watermelons were alien pods, or zombie babies, or IEDs of sweet, delicious horror, or I just pictured the faces of the Bunch O' Bitches on each. One of those things anyway.

When I saw the truck above on the highway, I could not refrain from getting behind it. Maybe it’s because I like to live life dangerously, or maybe it was because I was driving J’s Hummer. (Shhh.) I followed it for several miles, waiting for watermelons to fall. Under my breath I was mumbling “C’mon. C’mon, drop you motherfuckers! DROP!” I could not wait to hear the splat of watermelons on the grill of the monstrosity I was driving. Soon we came upon an area of the highway where I knew there was a dip and I quickly turned off the radio, tightened my grip on the steering wheel, and prepared for melon carnage. I was smiling, anticipating the Gallagher-ish slaughter that was about to unfold in five…four…three…two…one. 

The dip came and went and not one watermelon tumbled. NOT. ONE. What the hell? Surely this farmer was a warlock and cast some kind of sorcery spell on his melons! I decided to switch lanes. Just as I did, I looked over at the Magical Melon Truck and saw TWO MELONS fall! *SPLAT* * SPLAT* “FUCK! I”M MISSING IT!” I screamed to no one. I eased off the gas so I could slip in behind him again but he was exiting the highway! “NO! NO!” I stuck my lower lip out and fake cried. Then I turned the radio back on and Adele’s Rolling In The Deep was playing for the five hundredth time that day and I sang along with it for the five hundredth time that day.

I had forgotten all about the Magical Melon Truck from this past weekend until a little while ago as I was scrolling through my phone’s photo album and now I’m thinking that once I hit “publish” on this entry J’s going to be calling in five…four…three…two…

87 Comments
 

87 Responses to When you are driving a post-apocalyptic vehicle it’s good to practice post-apocalyptic maneuvers.

  1. Larry says:

    My post-apocalyptic vehicle would be the M1A1 Abrams tank that I stole from the Army base, so the only maneuvers I would need to know is “Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!” Melon carnage would ensue.

  2. Jade says:

    OMG! You have the best time everywhere don’t you? LOL!

  3. iampisspot says:

    I really want to make a hilarious ‘I carried a watermelon’ Dirty Dancing-esque comment here. But I can’t fucking think of anything witty to write, mainly because I’ve drunk too many coffees and I’m wired.

    Also, I’m not sure there is anything hilarious to add to the ‘I carried a watermelon’ quote. Because it’s not that fucking funny anyway.

    You suck, Dirty Dancing.

  4. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! I’m sorry you didn”t get to splatter some melons, but I’l bet J isn’t! LOL!

  5. Heather says:

    You make my mornings.I freakin’ love you to pieces!

  6. Julia says:

    Thats a monkeys ass load of Water-babies! Since you were driving a big truck that doesn’t belong to you… you SHOULD have just run him around the road a bit! Then he for sure would have dropped his load!

    Which reminds me… I need a watermelon farm! But I don’t have a truck. Do you think I could haul these in a G5??

  7. You know, if you really want to see “splat” from a watermelon you need to take them to the gun range for target practice.

    My son likes to take cabbages and make redneck coleslaw outta them.

  8. Mr. Bingley says:

    Ah, the daily rind!

    I would say you are out of your gourd, but then you might be tempted to squash me.

  9. Yabu says:

    I once came across a full length semi with an open bed full of watermelons. I don’t think I’d ever seen that many of ‘em on a single truck. It had just rolled over going around a curve (driver was fine…(only the trailer rolled), and all the traffic on both sides of the road had pulled off to the side. Let the looting begin. The people were even taking the ones that were busted. There was nothing left to clean up. I asked the driver if he was OK and he said, “yes, go and grab a few, everybody else is.” He realized he couldn’t stop the looters and realized they’d clean up the mess…save him some trouble. I understand that some who train for the “Iron Man” competitions, run with watermelons. Ever tried to carry a couple of full grown watermelons, in your arms, for any distance? Those suckers are heavy. Heck if I know, but I do know the crash site was clean in a very short time. Looked like a school of Piranhas had just picked a cow clean. Funny thing was, there was also a church bus full of kids that had pulled over. They were going back for seconds. Apparently, the driver told everyone to get as many as they could carry. I took a couple, with permission, and they were damn good.

  10. “You don’t know what-a
    We could find…
    Why don’t you come with me little gal
    On a Magic Melon Ride.”
    Ah, Laura. You and your melons. Clooney wants them.

  11. PlayinPosse says:

    Wait, he let you drive his Hummer? Is he nuts?

  12. The Nickster says:

    >> and saw TWO MELONS fall! *SPLAT* * SPLAT* “FUCK! <<

    A pair of melons are a terrible thing to waste. I'll leave it to you to connect the dots on the sound effects.

  13. Curtal Friar says:

    So….did J call once he read this post? Or is that a topic for another day? Your readers will of course want to read that conversation. :D

  14. Jena says:

    Somehow that just doesnt surprise me. You are one funny gal. No wonder nazi’s like you! you live dangerously!

  15. Erik says:

    J has a Hummer? So he’s a Nazi with no sense of his carbon footprint?

    I’m beginning to like J…. ;)

  16. AmyLynn says:

    I do believe, if I can recall correctly, as it has been so very very very long for me (twss) that the “fuck” comes before the splat?

    I may have that wrong, however.

    Reading this makes me want to go out and get a big watermelon and spike it with some tasty alcohol…

    mmmmmmmmmmm

    that is all

  17. nightfly says:

    You could have had it allllllll…

  18. I always wondered how watermelons like to travel.
    And now I know.
    One less thing for me to wonder.
    Now, onto pondering the universe. I mean really? How fucking big IS this thing? Is there no end? No top or bottom? What if earth started a free fall?
    I need a drink.

  19. CharlietittyfuckingSheen, there is nothing I can add to this…

  20. Oddybobo says:

    I have nothing witty about melons to say except that I like your melons… I mean your picture of melons…

  21. Liz says:

    I’ve got nothing rattling around in my brain about melons, or trucks, or splats.

    But, you said, “In my mind’s eye. . .” That made me think that I sure hope that one is working better than the eyes on your face (or at least I hope it hurts less)!!

  22. I have similar thoughts when I’m out on the idiot strip…..only my targets are idiots…..and I spend a lot of time asking God why my Expedition didn’t come with machine guns and rocket launchers.

  23. Cheryl says:

    Great pic and caption! Fun article :) I love how you enjoy your life and then throw it out to share with the universe.

  24. Jan says:

    I want a hummer! Maybe it’ll encourage that stupid global warming bitch that still hasn’t shown her face around here. Probably with the dead hookers in someone’s trunk…

  25. cricket says:

    Hummers… melons… dead hookers… zombies… and Clooney. I’m pretty sure there is a great movie in there somewhere. I see George slinging melons out of the back of a Hummer as dead zombie hookers run after him… Not the ones from the Titty Twister bar, all new dead ZOMBIE hookers.

    Now, where would the goats come in?

  26. hotpants™ says:

    Look how far the back end of his truck is. That’s a lot of damn melons.

    Every time the Adele song comes on, I’m like AGAIN?!?! I never change the channel though. It’s like the greatest song in the world.

  27. Sensation says:

    you are a HOOT! oh God! that was a melon joke. HA! The was easy……… your readers are fantastic….OMG. fantastic. I have to read every single entry. You are phenomenal lady!!!!!

  28. SB Smith says:

    Sorry you missed the melons dropping while behind them. I love watermelon. I couldn’t help notice the rolling hills on your drive. Looks like a picturesque area ?
    Heh…if broken melons had stuck in the Hummer’s grill, you could have picked out the rind, leaving the red, and told him you’d simply eliminated some goat haters. They had just eaten watermelon…yeah, that’s it.

  29. Holly says:

    WOW! We have laws against stuff like that. If one did come off and hit you would you have crashed?

  30. Mrs. Who says:

    Hmmm…watermelons! My husband and I took off for vacation, and realized we didn’t have any of the watermelon we’d chilled the day before. So we turned around, picked up the ice chest it was in, and left, leaving none for the kids we’d left at home. Bwah-haaa-haaa-haaa!

  31. LeeAnn says:

    Lots and lots of superglue. Lots.

  32. mindy says:

    Me and my brother used to steal little baby watermelons from the farm field and put them on the highway by our house, then hide in the ditch and watch. One time a huge semi came thundering down the road and we were all, “Holy shit! This is it!”

    Unfortunately the driver stopped his rig (because he’d already seen what we were doing from a few hundred yards out) and yelled at us from his cab. We were like, “What? Didn’t you want to smash those damn melons?”

    I bet you wouldn’t have been so damn mean to us damn kids.

  33. Teresa says:

    That would be my kind of luck. So did J ban you from driving his hummer ever again?

  34. ManhattanMaven says:

    Laura…i’ve just rediscovered your blog after losing you for a couple of years. OMG…i’ve spent the last 2 days catching up and you have me laughing til i CRY!! You are utterly brilliant & wildly funny & slightly MAD…LOL! As a token of my deep appreciation & admiration…i’d like to give you my bestest, most favorite word EVER…because i know you will take it and SOAR with it. I believe you’ll wonder how you ever got through your life without it! The word is MALFUCKERY!! It is my contention that you have indeed been the innocent victim of a great deal of malfuckery in your life so i know you will take my most excellent word and make me proud!! You GO girl…ROFL!

    • Laura says:

      Well WELCOME BACK! And yes, I have indeed been an innocent victim of malfuckery all my life!!! Thank yopu for bringing this and this fine word to my attention!

  35. ManhattanMaven says:

    My only regret is that you didn’t have malfuckery in your arsenal when the Italian WHORE was around. I think you would would have found it very useful…LOL!

  36. SoCA Conservative Mom says:

    This reminds me of the time I was driving down the Avocado Hwy (stretch of the 15 between Temecula & Escondido, CA) anyway, we saw an overturned truck that was carrying avocados… GUACAMOLE!

  37. Dannie says:

    aside from living dangerously….I also would have gone right beside the truck and yelled out the window…”do you have insurance? no? well I have your license plate..insert evil laugh” and screech off…those were some crazy melons piled like that LOL

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