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Chewed up skeletons in the closet. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’m not big on blogging private matters. Hell, I’m not big on talking about private matters. I’m a big believer in secrets and holding things in until you think you’re going crazy and instead of discussing them with your friends and family, you just keep on burying them like dead hookers, sometimes even drowning them with pills and booze. And just because a person blogs doesn’t mean they owe anybody the truth. But I’m about to tell y’all something I’ve been keeping from you. I know at first you’re going to be shocked, then maybe disappointed, but I think I’ll feel better getting it out in the open. What I want to tell you is that my dog Jack is retarded.

Sure, he looks intelligent here. Who doesn’t in a tux? But I can assure you he is only thinking about Scooby Snacks and sniffing cat ass.

It doesn’t mean I love him less, well, maybe a little when I leave the room for two minutes and walk back in to find this:

Now they spear me on both sides of my head instead of resting on my ears.

Those are $400 prescription glasses I use to read and watch TV with. He chewed the ends of them off in mere moments when I set them down on the table to go to the bathroom. I guess I should just be glad he didn’t chew my Kindle and I bet know he would have if he had had more time. Anyway, Jack will be ten years old July 4th. He’s been destroying things in my house for ten years. TEN. YEARS. And not only has he destroyed things, but he has been hospitalized by doing so because the things have made him sick, and those bills have been in the thousands. You’re probably thinking “Well, he’s just a chewer” and while he is that, he also doesn’t come when he’s called, knows no basic commands, and will attack anyone who walks in the house. And before you start giving me dog training advice, please note, I am an ex-vet tech who has more than average knowledge of basic dog training and I can honestly say, Jack doesn’t get it. And as aggravated and angry as I get, I never take it out on him. Never. Because no matter what stupid thing he does, and even though he’s retarded, he’s my dog and part of my family even if he’s a short bus rider of the dog world.


110 Responses to Chewed up skeletons in the closet.

  1. Larry says:

    I think my dog is his illegitimate brain-dead love child.

  2. iampisspot says:

    They say a dog is like his owner, Laura.

    Just sayin’.

  3. Holly says:

    I have a stupid cat, it’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s really, really simple, and dumb.
    But you’ve gotta love her persistance.

  4. Jennifer says:

    Aww I still love Jack!

  5. Jade says:

    But he’s so cute!!

  6. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You sound like Sarah Palin talking about her baby.

  7. Heather says:

    I bet him being adorable has gotten him out of a lot of messes too!

  8. Jeffro says:

    I can handle a “personality” like Jack because he can’t help it. People, on the other hand….

    No, that twitch in my eye is normal, why do you ask????

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    Aw, poor Jack.

    I think he was confuzzled by the bandages on your eyes and all the pissin’ and moanin’ he was hearing about eye herpes; he probably thought you didn’t need them anymore.

    Poor guy tries to help you out and this is how you treat him.

    Scandalous, it is.

  10. When I was very young, we had two dachshunds–both short-bus riders.
    Ruby would attack anyone, anytime–even family. Speedy would chew my mother’s shoes if she left the house. Okay, that was probably revenge, but they were both psychos.
    I suspect it’s because they never got to kill any badgers as GOD intended.

    • Laura says:

      I will buy him a badger if he would just stop. I have had many people come forward with doxie stories of stupidiity. A person is very lucky if their mini is intelligent is my understanding. Seriously.

  11. Holiday says:

    Awwwwwwwwww! he’s so blessed darlin, cute…

  12. The Pepper Dog can walk into a wall, trip going up the stairs, and not even attempt to catch food thrown her way. She turned too quickly on the wood floors yesterday and found herself ass-up on her back, wondering who tripped her.

    But I am training her to fetch the J.R. in case I’ve fallen and can’t get up. The J.R. is so deaf (or else so focused on ignoring me) that I need a helper dog to get his attention. Srsly.

  13. PlayinPosse says:

    I think Doxies just love to chew…I had one chew my hearing aid (reckon he just didn’t want me to hear what he was doing). If they weren’t so danged cute, we’d probably kill. Instead, they kill us with cuteness. Just can’t win.

  14. Rick Martin says:

    Awwwwwww… I cried a little.

  15. Julia says:

    OHHHHH you have a Cassie…my dog is a short bus rider too! and we are only at year 3 … she has chewed 3 pairs of perscription Glasses, 3 Blackberry phones, 6 pairs of sun glasses, and countless other ‘things’. She is also incapable of being house broken so my house smells like a toilet most of the time…don’t you want to come visit me now?

    No-oh well don’t say I didn’t offer…

    I love her like mad, but she is worse then a room full of preschoolers.

  16. Yabu says:

    Stretch is the same way. All doxies are stubborn, as you know. He definitely knows his name, but won’t come when called…he just gives you “the look”. We keep a small jar of dry food around to shake. That works. He always responds to “hungry”, and sometimes will obey “stay”. Anyway, there is no way anyone could sneak up on me when Stretch is around…no way. He owns us, we don’t own him. He allows us to sit on his couch and me in my chair, and to sleep in his bed. He’s also a digger…the Stretchengeti looks like its been carpet bombed. We’ve also Stretch-proofed our house.

    I wouldn’t trade him for the world, he’s family. Also, I’ve never hit him, and if I ever see someone who does, they will die a slow and painful death.

  17. Jamie says:

    My ex brought a puppy home from the pound many years ago. I named him Lucky because “he was lucky he was so damn cute or I’d have shipped his ass back to the pound”. Anyway, dumb dog. He once ate the cat’s flea medicine. We immediately called the vet for help. “Oh”, he said, “it’s mostly salt. He’ll probably just be really thirsty.” As he’s telling us this, we turned around to the dumb mutt whose face was dripping with water from emptying his water bowl all over the kitchen floor. Yeah, I still miss that dog.

  18. The Nickster says:

    taze him

  19. Poor Jack. I think you have it all wrong. I think he reads your blog and sees that not only do you make him wear stupid outfits, but then you post pictures of him in that unfortunate condition. He’s just getting you back and then playing dumb.

  20. Judy says:

    We have a dog we call the bobblehead–she was born with water on her brain, so her head is really big but her brain is really small. I once had a vet tell me it’s a good thing that it doesn’t take much brain to run a dog. She’s five and a big lummox, but we love her!

    • Laura says:

      Awwww. Most people wouldn’t keep a pup like that. I had a dog when I was a kid that was a pin-head. Tiny lil head on a gigantic body and it was a big goofus too that ran on either “on” or “off”. I am pretty certain it was brain damaged. She just wove herself into the family.

  21. Steph says:

    this is why I’m a cat person only.
    although? my cats ARE retarded, so I can kinda relate.

    • Laura says:

      My cats are ODD. I just chalk that up to them being cats though. The best thing is I really don’t expect much out of them as far as obedience besides hitting the litter box.

  22. Shane Cranford says:

    I feel your pain. Lamont (scottish terrier) has destroyed TWO PAIR of Maui Jim’s this year…TWO PAIR! I am destined to live the rest of my life with gnalred up dime store sunglasses on my noggin. But give him a rawhide treat and he just sniffs it.

    • Laura says:

      HAHAHA! They DO know what you treasure or paid the most for, I swear they do. And here’s something I didn’t say- once I caught im sneaking way WITH MY iPHONE IN HIS MOUTH! I lietrally screamed loud enough to make him drop it- which is rare.

  23. Jena says:

    Now don’t you feel better? You’re not alone. I have a couple cats that are “special” too. I like to call it being “in-bred” myself.

    But ya gotta admit those special needs chillens are cute!

  24. Tim says:

    Scooby Snacks and sniffing cat ass…..Go Jack!!!

  25. Jan says:

    My cat Seal is another short-busser. And now he’s senile on top of it, and losing control of his hindquarters. He doesn’t even realize when he’s peed all over the floor (which he just did again last night). I’m going have to do something about him soon, I think. :(

  26. Janie Jones says:

    But he’s so cuuuute!

    Not a very original comment, but, it is so damn true.

    The new Jones family dog is also saved by cuteness. Being deathly afraid of storms and absolutely refusing to go outside to do his business has created a few problems as it has been stormy and rainy almost continuously for 3 weeks.

    Besides from being an absolute basket case in bad weather, he at least is smart enough to leave his dog love on the basement bathroom mat. He’s actually quite smart, doing his business in the bathroom on an easily washable surface. Or maybe it’s just coincidence because he only started doing it after I locked him out of the sewing room that is right next to the bathroom….

  27. Lizzybeth says:

    If you don’t mind Chinese-made stuff, cheap (good quality) spectacles may be obtained through the website http://www.zennioptical.com. Got single vision glasses for $26. Yes, that was not a typo. Not plugging the site because I like supporting the Chinese (another time for that rant), but because ditzy doggies rarely change their habits, and you may need to purchase glasses in bulk…

  28. Have you given him the test? the one to see if he can find his way out from under a blanket? Brown Dog used to be really smart, but now @ the age of 12 she has demntia and a heavy breathing problem. She can no longer find her way out from under the blanket, she forgets who we are at times, no longer understands that when Husband colls her she is to go to him not me, and breathes as if she is making obscene phone calls. I don’t even want to talk about her meds and costly vet bills.

    • Laura says:

      He is really good at dealing with blankets and things because his breed are burrowers. As a matter of fact- he’s insane about digging under covers and popping back out. I don’t think he has dementia, he’s been this way since I first got him as a pup.

  29. Curtal Friar says:

    Yeah, I can sympathize. We have a cat who has repeatedly done the damnedest things time and again. I’ve watched him run into the wall many times while chasing a wadded up sheet of paper. Knocks himself down on his ass, shakes it off, and gets back up to chase the ball of paper again.

    The dummy is also determined to try and capture the ceiling fan in our bedroom. He’s almost big enough to where he could actually try and tackle it with a leap from our bed. I’ve tried to dissuade the idiot, but he is determined. Be the end of him one of these days, I’m afraid.

  30. VEG says:

    My last dog was deaf on top of being a short bus rider. That was a winning combination, let me tell ya! Can’t even attempt to get him to come, stay, anything unless he was in our line of sight. And even then, he confused stay with sit most of the time. But ya gotta love them for their tenacity :)

  31. Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    I used to think my dog Rufus was retarded too but it turns out he is actually an idiot savant – you know, just like those people on 60 minutes. It may seem like a distinction without a difference but it turns out idiot savants are quite valuable. People will actually pay me good money to rent Rufus out for the day thinking he can predict horse races or roulette numbers and such cause that’s what idiot savants do. Sure he still chases his tail around for hours on end for no apparent reason and other dumb stuff like that but this idiot savant thing has given me a whole new level of respect for Rufus.

  32. Liz says:

    “They just don’t care.” That’s the answer to all pets. They aren’t retarded or short bus riders, they just don’t care.

    One of my cats has gone from being called her given name of Abbey to Dummy. When she’s into “no good,” which is just about 24 hours a day, they hubby says, “Come here Dummy” and she runs to him without a care in the world.

    You gotta love them (pets and husbands)!

  33. As I sit here typing, I glance over to my dog, who is licking the Berber carpet and chewing on the fuzz, and I can’t help but think that the Doggie World Short Bus is pretty fucking long, actually.

  34. zonker says:

    Retarded? The poor fucker is getting some much-needed revenge for all of those…dress-up pictures.


  35. Kim says:

    Now, Dot isn’t retarded, but she has eaten/chewed, flipflops (many), flats (many), Rockports, round hair brushes, combs, eyeglasses, sunglasses, library books, carpet, sticks of butter, boxfan parts, underwear and chicken cutlets (fake boob parts). She has taught US to put everything up. If we don’t she will reinforce the lesson once again. Not as bad as it was, but still. I mean, I had spent 30 dollars on some whizbang flipflops (that’s really retarded) and she ate one.

  36. rdOtter says:

    LOL, Hyperbole and a Half has a retarded dog too
    Hubby thinks my younger cat is “special” just because his head is a leedle too small for his body

  37. guffaw says:

    In China do they just call Chinese Food, Food?

  38. Tink says:

    I am looking at my two dogs at this moment. one is snoring like a human (creepy) and the other one is “licking” the air in his sleep. They both weigh in at over 125 each and they are really good buds. they dont chew.They dont bark unless they are supposed to, they do their business outside, they dont get on my bed (as long as I open my tripod and lay it across my bed) and they greet me at the door every single nite and lick lick lick. They are good boys and I love them. I suppose in the dog world, you might say, They would be the drivers of the short bus….

  39. Nicole says:

    Hah! I’ve had me some short bus pets. And they are no less, possibly even more, loveable. :)

  40. Awwww…. retarded pets are the best pets of all.

  41. Suzanne says:

    I wonder if George would pony up the money to send Jack to the boarding school for retarded dogs? It would only be right.

  42. Teresa says:

    Aw! Happy Birthday Jack! May you get a whole host of great chewy toys for your birthday. Lol

  43. Before we had Buddy we had a black Lab we raised from a pup. Sam was a chewer, too, but got over it around age 5 or so. When he was still a little monster we had satellite TV installed and the next morning we couldn’t find the remote for the living room receiver. Later that day I noticed a couple of bright blue plastic buttons (one said “mute”) in one of the land mines he left in the yard. That’s right; he not only chewed on the remote, he ATE it and I had to pay the TV provider $59 for a new one! Our old country vet laughed like a maniac and said to just keep an eye on him. Brightly colored pieces of plastic kept showing up in his “deposits” for the next week or so. We never did find the batteries but they must have been Ever Readys because he kept going and going and……

  44. Elphaba says:

    BAD DOG. BAD. LMAO! Does he think his name is Jack Goddamnit yet? Cute is obviously what saves his bacon.

    Cats are almost as bad (as you clearly know, since Thelma conspires to give Jack action figures to chew). Not a day goes by that I don’t utter the words, “fucking cat(s)!” because they are constantly shedding/barfing/breaking things/jumping on the counter/being wild and obnoxious…but being the reluctant cat lady that I am, I put up with them, because they are cute and warm and fuzzy and they purr when I pet them. Little fuckers.

    • Laura says:

      Ha! That’s exactly it too with cats! We put up with them because they’re cute and they purr when we pet them! And yes he does think his name is Goddammit, and Jesus Christ, and You Little Shit AND he doesn’t come to those either!

  45. SB Smith says:

    Jack’ll always win the Lethal Cuteness Award….wait, did I just call him a jackal ?
    Anyway, the poor baby must be a little challenged because my Dachshund Tina was very bright and well behaved. Guess you need to start putting things like your glasses where he can’t possibly reach them….unless he enlists help from the cat.
    Awww…give Jack – The Mangler a hug and a kiss for me.

  46. Terri the Terror says:

    My brother has a short bus riding dog too, except he is 85 pounds of lab/doberman mix. He’s super cute, friendly and loving but he loves to chew glasses too and anything else he shouldn’t. Get insurance on the glasses. All you have to bring back is a few pieces.

  47. Dannie says:

    It’s ok Laura, I didn’t want to spill the beans either but it seems as though my parent’s dog Max sits next to Jack on the short bus. Max suffers from Paranoia and anxiety that cripples him and renders him frozen in times of extreme stress (e.g. when it’s dark he can’t get to his water bowl because it’s by the laundry room and there’s something I guess that is scary in the laundry room….or he thinks he’s trapped in a small space and will not cross over into the next room even though the door is wide open…or go up the stairs because it’s just so anxiety producing)
    I’m sure they do well at doggie Special ed. school though

  48. Jena says:

    Ya know, if you rubbed his chew toys behind your ears to get your oil/scent on them, he would probably like them more. Or try ear wax, he probably wouldnt know the diff. babwwhaahahaaa.

    Seriously, I will put a shirt with the cats after I rubbed them on my hair and neck/behind ear.

  49. jazz1013 says:

    OR, is he really a genius at fucking with you?

    I always think pets act like their owners.

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