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At this rate, the only place Richelle and I will be able to drink will be at the Olive Garden and I don’t want that because I’ll get tanked and wake up with my face in a big ol’ plate of spaghetti. Mmmm…pasta. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I felt well enough this past weekend to go to a club with my friend Richelle. We usually hang out downtown with the college kid crowd, not so much because we’re cool, but because everyone else our age are usually at home raising kids or watching Matlock. We started drinking beer and before I knew it I was dancing like I was Britney Spears; medicated out of my mind, without rhythm, and all bloated from the carb-laden beer while lip-syncing to made-up words in my head. I’m on tour y’all! I told Richelle I was Britney Spears and she said she would be my daddy and make millions off me and went to the DJ booth to borrow a headset to complete my Britney look of singing into a dead mic. When the DJ wouldn’t give her a headset she started screaming “I have legal guardianship, Motherfuckers!” but they weren’t too amused, so we were asked to leave and not come back. We got in a cab, because we aren’t celebs and we don’t drink and drive, and then Richelle wanted to stalk her ex-boyfriend. We had the cabbie drive back and forth in front of his house while Richelle and I hung out of the window yelling his name and calling him a ”Cheating Sonsabitch” until we saw his porch light come on and then we figured he was calling the police so we screamed at the cabbie ”DRIVE, MOTHERFUCKER! The cops are coming!” The cab driver took us home and then asked us not to call his company anymore.

All in all it was a pretty typical night for us.


P.S. Now here’s a picture that one of my readers, WPDunn aka Commander of the Arkansas Division of The Baby Goat Liberation Army snapped at Wal-mart:

Seeing Eye Goat, you're doing it wrong.

75 Comments
 

75 Responses to At this rate, the only place Richelle and I will be able to drink will be at the Olive Garden and I don’t want that because I’ll get tanked and wake up with my face in a big ol’ plate of spaghetti. Mmmm…pasta.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! I can just picture you and Richelle at the club! LOL! OMG what the hell is up with taking a goat to Walmart?

  2. Heather says:

    LMAO@ all bloated and out of rhythm like Brit Brit.You and Richelle have the most fun.

  3. Princess says:

    I did not know a cab driver would do that for you… I now have a new weekend sport….I have an Ex hubby.. Woohoo!

  4. Imagination says:

    Drinkin and Drugin and carrying on.. Good lord child.. your dangerous.. I’m glad you weren’t drivin too.

  5. Tink says:

    Britney got nothin on you baby! is that really a goat in Wal-mart? WTF!

  6. I wish there were cabs here! Not that I have any ex-boyfriends to stalk, but I could stalk someone else’s for them.

  7. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I would imagine that you and Richelle are the life of the party wherever you two go.

  8. Yabu says:

    The Flying Monkey Woman and her Band of Goats
    I don’t know if that sounds like a band or a circus act, but I would pay to find out.

    I’m all downtown with not drinking and driving. My friend’s father owned a taxi company in the town where I grew up. Me and my buddies all had a charge account, and we settle up at the end of the month. Damn near cost as much as the drinking, but it was worth it.

  9. Holiday says:

    I would love to do a weekend with you gals.. I probably would not survive but it would be a blast……

  10. Julia says:

    I HATE when people don’t appreciate a good Britney gone mad look alike… you should have AT LEAST got a limo. Ungrateful fucks.

    Good for you for being more roudy then the youngins. And I think that is a walking leg Goat.

  11. wpdunn71901 says:

    i am in total like with you, I’d sell my brother’s kidney just to buy you a mutant goat

  12. I thought the only good reason to go to Olive Garden was to get tanked and gorge on free bread sticks and salad?

    Also, good on you for calling a cab, and bad on the cabbie for being a sour-puss. Yes, I know I just said sour-pus, but I was afraid to say dick-head. My kids are in the room and I’m pretty sure they can read my mind.

  13. That is the best picture ever. And do people still watch Matlock?

  14. LeeAnn says:

    Stalking uses about 2000 calories per half hour, I read that somewhere.

  15. Where have you been all my life?

  16. Jena says:

    I would be in a constant state of mania if I was around you!

  17. I so need new freinds. None of mine will go drinking and dancing anymore. I keep telling them the only reason we got so sick last time was because somebody (Lisa) made Colorado Bulldogs using the bad milk. I’m sure it wasn’t the three bottles of vodka we drank. One girl hasn’t taken a single drink in like three years, since that party.

  18. Jade says:

    I want to go out with you and Richelle! I’m brave!

  19. AmyLynn says:

    I bet that cabbie was enjoying the spectacle regardless of what he said.

    Your ride should have been free because of all the entertainment the cabbie was enjoying. Too bad you didn’t get him to pull over and play Brittany, like maybe “Toxic” and dance with you guys!!

    THAT would have been worth it. Next time? V-LOG FTLOG

    heeee

    that is all

  20. Liz says:

    Wow! I envy you guys (except for being asked to never return to so many places)! You have so much fun. I’m too old and tired to do that stuff anymore.

    Oh, a new blog name for me: Old and Tired HA!!!

  21. Laurie says:

    I have a new career for you. I have client who started a business making soaps and lotions from goat milk! Double bonus – you can make money AND get to hang around with goats. And you will be able to put up on your goat-business bulletin board anything you want.

  22. Laura, next time DEMAND a New York cabbie. The only English they know is “Motherfucker,” so everything will be just fine–especially if you get totally stinko because the mumbling will sound like his native language, whatever that is.

  23. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    Yes People still watch Matlock it is on every day after Jerry springer and before Hawaii 5-0 With Jack lord And the Trump Grandpa Hairdoo

  24. CGHill says:

    “…medicated out of my mind, without rhythm, and all bloated…

    Girl, you have got Britney down cold. Fact.

  25. Jeffro says:

    What??? No dead hookers???

  26. Barry says:

    DAMN girl!!! I love the way you roll. I would love to party one night with you and your gang. Hell yeah! Two beers? And how many Vicodin???

  27. Suzanne says:

    Remember, I always have bail money for you if you get caught stalking someone accidental-like and all.

    Maybe you could asked to be assigned community service at the baby goat farm?

  28. Shannon G. says:

    That goat looks awfully clean.

  29. Dannie says:

    totally spit out my diet coke! sigh reminds me of my college years…ha! Next time, take me….oh wait I’m one of those busy ‘raising kids’ crowd….too bad though,, I dance on tables…sober so if anything got in me, I’d really go all out!

  30. hotpants™ says:

    A goat at Walmart? I’m not surprised.

  31. hotpants™ says:

    PS – Love the new header!

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