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When you’re in severe pain and have just gone through a traumatic medical procedure there’s just one thing to do; write a poem about it. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Damn That Hurt Like A Motherfucker
A Healing Poem of Recovery By Laura Ledford

 

I got my eyes scraped, it hurt just a little.

Okay I lied, I screamed and yelled and possibly pittled.

The doc said “Don’t move! Your eyes I don’t want to botch!”

So I cancelled my plan to kick him square in the crotch.

It’s over now; I hope I don’t have to go through that anymore.

This shit is majorly interfering with me being an attention whore.

So I’m back to blogging my crazy even though I feel kind of puny.

‘Cause I gotta get back to cyberstalking my love George Clooney.

(Call me, George Clooney. You know you want to.)

 

P.S. Did you know The Great Dinosaur Wars are still going on? It’s true. And because I fancy myself a war photographer, even without properly functioning eyes, I am going to start documenting the battles. Yes, I’m on pain killers.

As the Great Dinosaur War continues, one thing becomes apparent; Stormtroopers are dumbasses.
126 Comments
 

126 Responses to When you’re in severe pain and have just gone through a traumatic medical procedure there’s just one thing to do; write a poem about it.

  1. Mars says:

    Explain to me why I love you.

  2. Yikes! I’m glad that even though the procedure was painful, it’s over. Here’s to a speedy recovery!

  3. wpdunn71901 says:

    The Baby Goat Liberation Army And I will be sacrificing a pint of jack daniels and spewing voodoo curses in your honor today
    PLEASE GET WELL
    I dont like to pretend stalk a pretend internet friend when they are feeling puny.

  4. Jennifer says:

    YAY! You’re back! LOVE the poem and the war pic! lol Feel better soon!

  5. Heather says:

    HAHAHA! I hope you’re feeling better soon and I can’t wait for more war photos and poetry!

  6. Clooney: He wants you. You can see it in his eyes.
    For what it’s worth, I switched meds this week and felt all wonky, but I kept a-writin’. And folks loved this week’s piece! I may have to do the booze and pills more often.
    “Write drunk. Edit sober.” – Hemingway (I think)

  7. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You need to publish a book of your poetry.

  8. Michelle says:

    I hope you feel better soon. At least before the pain pills run out!

  9. Jeffro says:

    Yannow, now that it’s all over (I hope), maybe you can send your dinosaurs to bite the crotch outta that doctor. Cheeky bastard anyhow.

    Aaand, you are turning into the modern day version of Edgar Allen Poe but without the opium and booze. Talent. You haz it.

  10. Who knew eye rabies could be so inspirational, a veritable muse.
    I always learn…something…here.

  11. hoodyhoo says:

    that is the worst medical procedure EVER. Are you sure he was really a doctor? You remember what happened last time you got a colonoscopy from that guy in the van…

    • Laura says:

      That wasn’t a doctor, that was my prom date. And it wasn’t a colonoscopy, it was a prostate exam. (Oh God I can’t believe I just typed that.)

  12. Julia says:

    OMG…that war photo is AMAZING! (And didn’t we know the Storm Troopers are no match for the Dino’s?)

    And you should have waited till AFTER the procedure to kick him in the balls… Maybe if you stop him from having any more children you won’t have to pay for anymore of their college tuitions.

    (and ummm Laura…Will you share your drugs with me? Then we can totally team up to photograph the war…I have a great camera and I have about a bagillion Dino’s… We might need more storm troopers though…)

  13. You’ll be feeling better soon. Then we’ll have to give you your pirate name for lasting glory: The Dread Pirate Dead-Eye!

  14. Yabu says:

    Damn, getting your eyes scraped sounds like something the CIA would do in a mud hut somewhere. Did you give up any secrets?

    The doctor interrogator “Bitch, you tell me what I want to know, or I’m gonna scrape your eyes.”

    I hope you heal up fine. Since you don’t physically have balls, I believe two eyes would be the next worse thing. I can’t imagine having my eyes scraped, or my balls for that matter.

    I have no idea what eye pain is like, but I’ve had blue balls before. It’s a guy thing.

    Get well fast.

  15. Curtal Friar says:

    Glad your procedure is over, and hope this signals the end of your eye problems. There’s no way I could do a procedure like that while even being semi-conscious. The hardest thing in the world I ever did was a stigma test, where they hit your eyeball with a forceful puff of air. It took me an hour just to get that done.

    No way could someone stick an instrument at my eye in order to scrape it. There’d be a fight, instincts would prove too powerful.

    Pull a tooth? Fine. Saw my leg off cause it can’t be saved? Fine. Very painful, but fine. Stick something in my eye? Doctor better bring lots of friends. And the first three in will need to be sent to a ER/Trauma department.

    • Laura says:

      He numbed it! It was really odd. It felt like I had been punched in my nose really hard. Seriously. All I know is I would have done anything for the original pain to leave….and it hasn’t yet, but I’m hoping…

  16. At least the pain killers have allowed you to reach new heights of creativity. Hope your eyes feel better soon.

  17. Steph says:

    Glad you’re recovering in true attention whore fashion!
    Also, please make a store on Zazzle and turn this shit into tshirts and other merch. that you can sell an profit from. I’d totally buy your stuff.
    “Stormtroopers are dumbasses”
    “Sonsabitches!”
    “I’ma voodoo up a bunch-o-bitches”

  18. Hope you are feeling better!

  19. Jena says:

    Oh Shit! Damn girl!Now you better heal super fast! And no more dry eyes!

    Awesome poem! Glad you’re on narcs!

  20. Jena says:

    I lurves me some dino wars!

  21. GOODDOG_BADDOG says:

    I wondered what happened to you yesterday, I need my flying monkey voodoo fix first thing in the morning or my day is ruined!! I was thinking crap, well she went blind overnight and now she’s stumbling around her house blindly and can’t find the computer.

    Blame it on the squirrel…here’s an interesting tidbit for you to ponder: RED squirrels are known to bite the balls off GREY squirrels. THAT is how you start world domination.

    I had to get a dog-bite to my calf debrided last year, it was the most wierdest sensation ever. I can’t tell you how much novacaine they had to use and how deep they had to go but I know I would freak if I had to get that done to my eye.
    You must be very brave.

    • Laura says:

      DAMN I don’t want to dominate the world if I have to bite squirrel balls off. Fuck that.

      And I am very brave! I am glad someone recognizes my bravery even though I screamed and I think I peed a little.

  22. Elphaba says:

    Gosh, I hope the eyeball sandblasting does the trick for you! *fingers crossed* Love the dinosaur wars.

    Here’s a little something to cheer you up: scroll down and listen to Samuel L. Jackson read the new bestselling heartfelt little children’s storybook, “Go the Fuck to Sleep.”
    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/go-f-k-sleep-debuts-202184

    • Laura says:

      Wasn’t it you that told me when I’m sad I must go photograph my dinosaurs? Anyway, I did. I had the link to d/l Samuel’s (yes, we are on first name bases) recording of that book on my Facebook a few days ago. Apparently you’re one of those that have me on ignore. Ha!

      • Elphaba says:

        No, I’m one of those who has a life away from Facebook! ;) In all seriousness, I musta missed it, but I swear it was inadvertent. It figures that you would beat me to a cool link like this one, anyway…I bow to your internet superiority. Ha!

  23. rick says:

    I’m hoping you’ll be able to give your fellow co-workers the evil eye in no time.

  24. rick says:

    Hey Laura, are you available for contract voo-dooing? My boss is overdue for an “accident”.

  25. Jean says:

    I hope you feel better. Tell Jack to make you a drink…..

    Love the Dino/Stormtrooper pic!

  26. I am sending you a virtual case of Tanqueray Rangpur Gin for the scurvy that is bound to break out after this.

    I do hope relief is just a small time away!!!

  27. CGHill says:

    Your gift for titles is positively unequaled. (“Can it be negatively unequaled?” Oh, screw you sonsabitches with the rhetorical flourishes.)

  28. Liz says:

    I’m glad this craptastic procedure is OVER! Go get yourself healing girl! Did the new doc have any suggestions as to why you needed this? Anything to avoid or something to do so you don’t EVAH have to see him again? I hope so.

    And now for some poetry of my own:

    If I had a goat
    I’d dress him in a coat
    And send him to you in a boat

    Then you would feel all better
    And your eyes would be wetter

    Get over your pain quick
    So you can be your usual
    Voodoo practicing, George Clooney loving chick

    • Laura says:

      BRAVO! BRAVO! And thank you!

      He said I must not be shutting my eyes at night (probably from sleeping with one eye open and on my serial killer pets) more than likely brought on by stress (because I can’t get my baby goat) and I have to sleep with ointment in my eyes. IMAGINE the sexiness of the image!But I don’t care because this hurts really really badly.

      • Liz says:

        That actually sounds like a “reasonable” explination.

        There has to be a way to make the ointment seem sexy!

        Would J fall for it if you said, “I have some new massage oil but you need to put it in my eye.” ??? Wait, that’s gross. Never mind.

  29. Jan says:

    Well, shit! Hope the pain goes away soon. Those voice recognition thingies that type what you say don’t do so well with your um, enlightened vocabulary.

  30. cricket says:

    That just made me laugh.

    You’d think if the academy failed on teaching them to shoot they could at least teach them to run properly. heh.

    Get well soon.

  31. Tim says:

    Glad you’re feeling better……

    Fuckin bunch of stormtroopers!!!!! Ive been saying that all morning. Thanks!

  32. Julia says:

    My son just had some dental surgery and your poem brought a smile to his poor swollen cheeks. Thanks Laura!

  33. DogsDontPurr says:

    I wonder if wearing a sleep mask at night would help.There are a lot of different kinds. The one that I’ve found to be the most comfortable, and also blocks out the most light, is this one: http://tinyurl.com/3r98ua7. (If the link doesn’t work, google “tempurpedic sleep mask.” It’s kind of like a cushioned blindfold. It might help keep your eyes closed. Actually, any type of sleep mask might help because it would keep the air off your eyes a bit, thus keeping them moist (and reducing the need to put goop in your eyes).It might be worth a try. Maybe ask your doctor about it.

    Hope you feel better soon!

    • Laura says:

      Thanks! He said I could and should wear one after my eyes get a little better an I change ointments from antibiotic to a wetting solution ointment. I will do ANYTHING to keep this from happening again!

  34. Elle says:

    Your poem made my day and I feel your pain. I had eye surgery last year but they screwed it up and made it worse so I had another one. I just found out on Tuesday that I will need at least two more to correct the screw up. Thank gawd for pain killers after surgery!

    I’ve been having to use ointment at night and every time I open the lid, it comes shooting out of there. I’m lucky to get any in my eye. ;)

  35. Nicole says:

    Well, at least it’s over for now and painkillers are rarely a bad thing…

  36. Dannie says:

    oh my word…..publish a book of poems. Then you can quit your job with the Bunch ‘o bitches and play war stories with your dinosaurs. :)

  37. zonker says:

    Take it easy for a while and get well. Don’t worry…we’ll all be here waiting for when you return. Also, get that Nazi bastard to wait on you hand & foot until you’re 110% better.

    p.s.: According to numerous scientific studies, circus peanuts are well-known for their ability to improve overall eye health. It says so on the internet. (Or it does now, at least.)

  38. Princess says:

    OMG you are the bravest person in the world to go thru that AWAKE! AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~! there, I screamed for you.. I am so sorry you had to do that. it’s really icky! I hope that will be the last of it. Gone… sayonara… goodbye.. never to return….

  39. Tad says:

    Nice Poem… George is gotta wake up here pretty soon.. I mean .. you been stalking him for years now….a lifetime for gods sake.. What the fuck,,,, Is he a stormtroopin dumb ass or what?

  40. Holiday says:

    Dino’s !!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! oh sorry bout yer eye I hope yer outa pain real soon…..While yer down and out I will dino sit for you…. I will do a very good job…you have very nice Dino’s ya know…..

  41. Tink says:

    I was really worried about you yesterday.You did not say you were going to have it done yesterday….Why didn’t you tell us. we would have sent you pepperoni and flowers and bottles of expensive Gin…. To late now….

  42. Random says:

    I think your language is very colorful.. like a rainbow…. Don’t eva change kiddo…You Rock! and what the hell was that “Lick er” thingie up there around the middle there..that was kinda weird…yeah,.. weird…Some times if I close my eyes, I could think your from NY,then you say something like “I’ll be a’ight I reckon” and I know immediately your not from NY. Good Night

    • Random says:

      P.S. I know your little sign up there says “follow me on twitter” but I gatta say I would follow you anywhere…. Yeah anywhere.

    • Laura says:

      I actually have a British accent. Ha!

      • J says:

        I have heard your British accent. It sounds vaguely like your own accent, if you had just had a root canal or something, but you add the word Guv’na on the end of the sentence. It also sounds a lot like your Mandarin Chinese accent but I can tell them apart because the Chinese one doesn’t have the Guv’na on the end. You should have been a phonologist.

  43. Lemur King says:

    Good gravy the eye thing reads like a horror novel.

    Painkillers are good.

    I wondered not too long ago myself “What in the hell did folks do hundreds of years ago? Oh yeah, they took lots and lots of laudanum.”

    Hopefully this will make you laugh… I had multiple compound fractures of my arm years ago. I finally got out of the hospital and went home. I’d take a dilaudid and then go watch some TV. Eventually someone would come by and turn it on for me and that was cool, too.

    • Laura says:

      Hahaha! I wish I had some dilaudid. No I don’t. I’d probably like it too much.

      • Lemur King says:

        It was a good thing for splintered bones but it’s powerful stuff. I was able to take walks in the woods – sure it hurt but damn if you just didn’t really give as much of a hoot.

      • DogsDontPurr says:

        My Dad had hip surgery a couple days ago, and they gave him oxycontin. He was afraid to take it because he’s heard that it’s sometimes referred to as “hillbilly heroin.” So I had to educate him about OMG drugs!

        Finally got him to take it, and he was like: “Wowwww…no more pain!”

        So then I had to mess with him a little, and I told him to send me any that he didn’t use…you know, because of the street value. He laughed and laughed…until he remembered that he was talking to me, his daughter! Oops. (He still thinks I’m all innocent and shit! Ha!)

  44. Eye scraping? Bad. Painkillers? GOOD. Stay stong supergal.

    Also, my friend at work has a little Spiderman figure that moves at every joint in his body. Even his individual toes. So I pose him in weird positions. Like yoga lotus, or balerina, or in a miniature coffin with tiny flowers on his chest.

    • Laura says:

      HA! That’s excellent! I have a Spidey, and he’s done battle with teh dinos- he doesn’t bend as well, maybe he had arthritis.

  45. Terri the Terror says:

    Get well soon! Your legion of adoring fans needs you. Scary surgery+painkillers+gin=guiltless naps. I loves me a good nap.

  46. One Crazed Chick says:

    Wow…sounds painful. I hope you recover soon so you can see George walking towards you!!

  47. The Nickster says:

    these photos look blury to me.

  48. Larry says:

    I will add my wishes for a speedy recovery, along with comiserations that the magic contact lenses didn’t work and didn’t impart upon you special super-powers.
    You should reserve the right to crotch-kicking for a later date. Until then, enjoy the pain meds (all I ever got was motrin, which the US Military seems to think is a cure-all for everything).

  49. AmyLynn says:

    I am just happy you made it through that ordeal. Love the storm troopers defeat!

    I used to have Chronic Iritis, same thing Mila Kunis had. Matter of fact I think I contracted it from her when we were making out. HA!

    Anylezboway, eye pain is horrible.

    I hope you at least got some time off work and away from the bunch-o-bitches!

    that is all

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