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It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games without depth perception. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. I know you probably didn’t know that because I’m so stoic, almost to the point of being a martyr. Stop. Laughing. But my eyes have been giving me hell. The other day my left eye started hurting so badly that I called my doctor to see if I could get the bandage lens removed. I was almost in tears. He took me on in and looked at them again and now BOTH corneas are scratched, with the left one getting worse. And to give you some idea how they feel, the right one feels like sand is in it that can’t be rinsed away, and the left one feels like a cigarette’s been put out on it. No shit. Anyway, I asked him if I could get some medical marijuana and he told me to get out of his office, after he told me I have to go see an ocular surgeon to have my left eye debrided.

So I’ve decided that if one has to be removed I want a eyeball-size Magic Eight Ball put in. That way I can work as a carnie fortune teller. “Should I take that job, Magic Eight Ball Eye?” I shut my eye, jump up and down, and then stare at my customer, well, at least point my head towards them.

Or perhaps I will have to become a pirate. I really don’t want to do that because Somalia is way too fucking hot. Like Africa hot, because it is Africa. I bet it’s smelly too. I don’t think pirates are very hygienic and I chafe easily. Do they even sell talcum powder in Somalia? Or do they just have those wee little sample thingies they steal off of cruise ships?

I think I’m just going to stick with my carnie-Magic-Eight-Ball-Eye-fortune-teller career choice.


107 Responses to It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games without depth perception.

  1. Handflapper says:

    I think a magical eye like Mad-eye Moody from Harry Potter would be way cooler. I am totally with you about the pirates, though. Pirates are assholes. Dirty, smelly, rotten-toothed assholes. Stay away from pirates.

  2. DogsDontPurr says:

    Oh Lordy, girl! I’m so sorry for your pain. Argh. But hey, come on out to California, and I’ll hook you up. Hey, my middle name is “medical marijua….wait…what???

    Got anymore circus peanuts?

  3. Heather says:

    OH MY GOD! OWWWWWWW! I think the magic 8 ball eye is a fantastic idea AND it will get you away from the Bunch O’Bitches! Seriously hope your eyes get better!

  4. MorningGlory says:

    We need to find out whats scratching your corneas. This pain thing is unacceptable.

    • Laura says:

      My doctor said “This sort of thing is almost always caused by the enviroment” (or something to that effect) and I said “Would being around stupid bitches all day be wearing down my corneas?” and he said “Girl, most of the world would be blind then.”

  5. Jennifer says:

    OUCHHHHHH! And don’t be a pirate- you can get Africa heat here! lol Feel better soon!

    • Laura says:

      I think we’re hotter than Africa- we have the humidity. We’re more Amazon jungle hot without the cool birds and monkeys. And thanks.

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    “…my left eye debrided.”

    Isn’t that called “getting a divorce” if you’re a guy?

  7. One Crazed Chick says:

    ohhhhhhhhh, can we have an evil 8 ball eye? That would be way cool

    Sorry about the pain, it seems to take forever for these things to heal. At least your medical contact was still in your eye, mine’s roaming in my body somewhere!

  8. Eh? Having your EYEBALL debrided?!! I’m having a hard time thinking of anything scarier, dear. All funny aside, you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers for a quick healing from your eyeball leprosy.

    Now, back to your regularly-scheduled morning comedy wake-up routine, folks. (Nothing to see here. Heh. Get it. Heh. Nothing to SEE.)

  9. hoodyhoo says:

    What the hell are you doing to keep scratching your corneas? You need to come stay with me for awhile… you can sleep on the couch with a blindfold on and I will look at things for you so your eyes can rest!

  10. Peace says:

    All joking aside ( just for a moment) That sounds like it could be serious and has to be extremely painful. I hope they figure this out soon.. How can you drive or look at a computer screen. all this pain and you are still blogging? I’m mean “Eyeball Debriding? OMFG! What the hell is that? You spoil us. I sincerely hope they get a handle on this “Eye Rabies” thingy soon. I am truly sorry for your suffering… OK nos back to our regularly scheduled program…

    • Laura says:

      It is extremely painful, sometimes beyond painful, sometimes I cry which kinda works out because it soothes them some. Do you think for one second that being half blind and writhing in pain stops an attention whore? HA! And I have to get a paycheck, so I work. I can’t be all blind and disabled on the street. Hobos can sense a weakness like that and I don’t want to be swinging all wild and shit during our hobo fights.

  11. Yabu says:

    You’re gonna have to do whatever is necessary to take care of your eyes. Just like teeth, can’t grow a new one.

    Maybe you need some street rope.

    • Laura says:

      Well, I’ve been going to the doc since the beginning and following all the instructions. And I’ll go get ‘em scraped if I gotta. I can’t smoke no rope because they drug test. Oh yeah, and that whole not legal thing too. HA!

  12. Eye debriding does not sound pleasant. I hope that rabies attic squirrel is happy with himself.

  13. Julia says:

    Either you need to buy that old ‘Amway’ Vacuum cleaner because your asbestos is getting out of control, or the squirl is taking revenge on you while you sleep…

    Personally I think its both so either way you should get the ‘Amway’ Vacuum so it can help Suck the particles out of the air AND will suck the Squirl up if it trys to sneak in!

    • Laura says:

      I’d like to know just when exactly did my eyes became such pussies that they couldn’t take a lil dirt, asbestos, and squirrel rabies. Sonsabitches.

  14. Curtal Friar says:

    Wow. Well, I can sympathize with your pain. My son when he was two jammed a straw in my eye while I was holding him. That really freaking hurt. And I wore a patch for a while. Hope your eye recovers quickly.

    That said, what the hell are you doing to your eyes to scratch the corneas? Is your cat pissed off at ya and slapping your eyes with its claws while you sleep?

    And thanks for your normal outrageous humor. I needed a laugh this morning. I’ll be chuckling all day, picturing a red-haired woman jumping up and down and then thrusting her face at someone else so they can read their fortune off her fake eyeball. They should make a character like that in a movie or sitcom.

    • Laura says:

      They really should. Dude, I don’t know what’s causing it. Maybe my cat can’t gettin a good hold on that pillow as she’s smothering me and the fabric is scratching them.

  15. You should patent that 8-ball eye thing. Then you can retire, which would totally make your scratched eyeball feel better. Right?

  16. Steph says:

    I wish I had magic healing powers to fix your misbehaving eyes for you. But alas, when I chose to become mortal I had to give those up. Dammit,
    I did keep the angelic beauty though….

  17. LeeAnn says:

    Don’t you think, though, if you had the qualifications to be a carny fortune teller, you’d have seen this coming?
    Maybe not.
    Hope your eyeballs get better.

  18. GOODDOG_BADDOG says:

    You should be able to go on disability right?

  19. Jeffro says:

    Dammit! Maybe the doc can hook you up with some good stuff – like poppy derivatives. Of course, then ya gotta deal with being hooked.

    I don’t think you’ve given enough attention to the pirate thing. It really seems that is an untapped market in the ‘burbs – you could be The Great Flying Monkey Suburban Pirate Laura, running around with your eyepatch and cutlass, stealing frappes and lattes at the local ‘Bucks. Your trained herd of goats could cover you during your attacks, and George should be at your side just in case things get hinky. You could toss out handfuls of circus peanuts as a distraction when escaping. No one would ever know it was you, either.

  20. AmyLynn says:

    I have heard of people getting their eye(s) debrided due to chronic dry eye. Have you had lasik surgery?

    Check this site out:

    They walk you through the debriding process so you are prepared and it seems not as bad as it sounds.

    That being said—THIS SUX!

    You must be in terrible pain!!!! !!!!! !!!

    (still not enough exclamation marks) !!!!!!!!!!

    there that seems about right, and one more !

    And I really think it is George’s time to rise to his true calling and make consoling and caring for you his full time gig.

    • Laura says:

      Your site didn’t come through- and that’s a good thing. I don’t want to see it. Ha! No I have not had Lasik. And yes, I do believe that George needs to console me whilst naked of course. Wait..what?

  21. AmyLynn says:

    ooops I got distrated with exclamation marks and George Clooney and I forgot to post the link:



    • Laura says:

      I can’t hear you lalalalalala.

      • DearSweetMama says:

        Sweet Jesus, Laura – don’t read that. Come to the beach with me, the Concubine and Hoody. And my slightly evil sister, her best friend that I think is her secret lover, my niece-in-law (best white trash ever) and great niece who I think is possessed of the devil. Some of us will be drinking heavily.

  22. Elphaba says:

    How is it that perfectly healthy corneas become scratched (aside from voodoo backsplash, that is)? Is Thelma doing a number on you while you’re sleeping? Anyway, I hope it gets better really soon, because it sounds awful! And it would suck if you had to start blogging in braille.

  23. Jena says:

    So what is causing this? Was it the daily benadryl you were taking for your ears?

    Is it cos your getting “older”? What a crock…lol.

    g’damn that sucks nazi scrotum. or is that green slimey donkey dick? I forget.

    Will your insurance cover the day surgery?

  24. Jena says:

    Saw the comment about enviroment….ha. what a crock. It’s Thelma or Tinks that’s peeling your lids back while you sleep and sharpening their claws.

  25. patti says:

    I is sorry you is hurting, for sure I am. And if this comment doesn’t come up I’m probably in your spam folder. It has been happening to me a lot lately. Even on my own blog.

    Anyways, I quoted you yesterday – called the women in the office at the high school here a bunch o’ bitches. You should probably get that copyrighted.

    Hope the doc is gentle…

  26. Jan says:

    This totally sucks. I wear rigid contact lenses and I know how painful it is to just mildly abrade my eye with an eyelash or something, so yours must really really hurt. You’d think that J would at least get a baby goat for you to ease your suffering. Baby goats are good for that!

  27. Jena says:

    The only thing to truly sooth the eye pain are nekkid GC pics. FACT.

  28. Liz says:

    Snark: You MUST post a rendering of the procedure for us (have your surgeon draw it if necessary). Also, you MUST get someone to testify that your job is causing this (any of us will do that if you need). You can then go on permanent disability. More time for voodoo that way.

    Reality: I hope this procedure isn’t as painful as it sounds and that you heal right quick.

    Snark: Be careful with the Magic Eight Ball eye. The jumping around could shake your brain loose. That’s not good. Fact!

  29. Suniverse says:

    I would LOVE if you were a Magic 8 Ball fortune teller. That would be fantastic.

    Also, once when the girl was little she got a wad of cinnamon in her eye. Don’t even ask. I’m not sure why I needed to share that with you. But there it is.

  30. Pat says:

    That’s you – always looking at (pun intended) the silver lining of a situation! I would pay a whole dollar to see your magic 8 ball eye!

  31. Good God, woman. Both eyes? I thought we agreed — no more staring into the sandblaster.

    Gin won’t even help.
    Well, it might but it will sting like a motherfucker.

    If you have to, go with the carny gig. At least there you can bone up on the voodoo.

    Eat some circus peanuts and call me in the morning. Damn, Laura.

  32. rdOtter says:

    Eddie Izzard: “One eye patch: looking quite cool. Two eye patches:….Hello? Three eyepatches: Now, what is going on here?”

  33. Trish says:

    Laura all joking aside please take care of this asap your eyes is nothing to mess with. Years ago I had gotten freon in my eye and I lost my eye sight for about 2 months. I was lucky it healed but I need to wear glasses now. So please don’t mess around with this. I can certainly feel your pain.

  34. mel says:

    Laura how in the hell did you scratch both your eyeballs? You’re supposed to close your eyes when you roll in the sand. I’m sorry for your pain, though. I can’t stand any kind of eyeball pain.

  35. Larry says:

    Tink the Assassin is scratching your eyeballs up while you sleep. I tried to tell you!

    Speaking of assassins, this must really be knocking down the body count from your secret contract killer job. Kinda hard to see through a scope.

    The scope! That’s it! Check the scope! Your arch-nemesis (every superhero has one) probably put something on it to cause the eye rabies.

    Hope it gets to feeling better soon.

  36. Suzanne says:

    Let me know if you need me to drive my unemployed self down there and cart you through the crack dens to work each morning. Then, you can make your way to your desk while wielding a white cane, accidental-like hitting the bitches’s legs in the office…

  37. zonker says:

    That really doesn’t sound like fun. Hope you feel better soon, Laura.

    p.s. – I knew that the “Magic 8-ball eye” concept’s time would come sooner or later. ;)

  38. Holiday says:

    I usually get my “wee little sample thingies” from all the hotels…..weekends you know….

  39. Barry says:

    Damn girl!! What the fuck happened? I changed jobs and haven’t been able to follow like a good addict. I check back in and you’re blind in one eye. WTF!? Voodoo splatter? Is that what it is. I am so sorry for your pain but hope you are on good meds. I hated kidney stones but the meds made it worth it(?)…… reminded me of the qualude days of yore….I’ve never heard of the “enviroment’ causing your eyes to hurt/scratched corneas. I call Bull shit on that. I’m not a doctor but I have seen a lot of educated idiots in my time. Hell I know you’d be using a brail computer screen if you had too. OMG.. I think I’ll patent that..a brail computer screen. Damn you inspire me…..

    • Laura says:

      I am nothing if not inspirational. Ha! And thanks!

      • zonker says:

        Reminds me of an old Callahan comic where a guy in a wheelchair is looking down at this disembodied head that’s balanced on a board with wheels. The wheelchair guy says “People like you are an inspiration to me.”

  40. Oh, I’m sorry about your eyes. Once I had something in my eye and I dug it out so hard that I popped a blood vessel or something so I had a red blotchon the white of my eye. i had to go to work, which was embarrassing, so I hung a note outside my office that said: “I’ve got my EYE on you.” xo

  41. Dannie says:

    Goodness….take care of that eye! I hope you feel better soon.

    Either that or sell the house and move to CA

    • Laura says:


      • Dannie says:

        don’t mean to brag but I love it, the weather is nice. I mean in Aug/Sept it is HOT, but minus the humidity so I’ll take a 105 day dry heat over 80 with high humidity any day of the week. (also when the sun goes down, it’s cool….and you can stand under shade and it’s cool)

        did I see it for you? LOL Take care of yourself pretty please? As much as an 8-ball magic eye tantalizes me and makes me giggle in evil delight, I’d like your eyes to be ok. :)

        • Laura says:

          Thank you, girl. I’ll be fine as son AS THE PAIN STOPS.

          Ahh I remember my visits to California. I LOVED the weather. I would marry California if I could.

  42. Larry says:

    BTW…Magic 8 (eye) Ball FTW!

  43. April says:

    So, I bought me a new (to me Jeep) with a cracked windshield. The guy said the dealership would replace it. And they did. But, when I dropped off my Jeep that morning I had 1/4 tank of gas in it. When I picked it up it was on E and the light was on. I was on the phone with my husband when I noticed this. I actually yelled “Freedom hating Nazi sonsabitchs” when I realized those jack holes went through 1/4 tank of gas.

    I may be reading you a little too much….

    • Laura says:

      HAHA! I love it! You can never read me too much. We must spread the word on Freedom Hating Nazi Sonsabitches! They’re everywhere, including RUNNING YOUR GAS OUT! I bet they drove it to a Nazi meeting.

  44. Nicole says:

    Well, maybe with the quarters you make from your Magic 8 Ball Eye you can use them for zombie killing come the end of the world like in the last Resident Evil. Hope you feel better soon.

  45. Jennifer says:

    Did you know that you can get eyeball cancer? They have it down here in NZ. I was shocked. I hope you don’t have eyeball cancer, but if you do, I think TWO magic 8 balls as eyeballs would be a sideshow I’d pay to visit. Just sayin… And seriously, it’s the shits having that feeling in your eyes. I’m allergic to contact lenses and it feels the same wearing them. Totally empathise with you. I hope you feel better soon.

    • Laura says:

      If I lost ‘em both I think I’d just do one Magic 8-Ball and the other maybe one of those round compass thingies people put on their dashboards and I can rent myself out as a GPS system or something.

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