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Who knew there’d be so much back-splatter from a few voodoo curses? I’ll tell you who. Satan, that’s who. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

The only thing worse than bad things happening to good people is bad things happening to awesome people. So I’m not doing Voodoo Curse Month anymore because apparently my voodoo is backfiring and trying to kill me. Not only was I attacked by a squirrel,

Motherfucking squirrel in my motherfucking attic!

got badly scratched corneas from God-knows what,

I still think it's rabies. Or a tumor. I'm leaning more towards rabies.

and if you follow me on Facebook you also know  I cut my thumb while attempting to chop an onion.

My death panel insurance wouldn't pay for a transfusion so I just drank gin. Gin builds up red blood cells. Fact.

The final straw? Attempting to blow dry my hair yesterday morning and seeing flames shooting out of my dryer THE SAME DAY I POSTED ABOUT MONKEYS SETTING FIRE TO MY WEDDING GUESTS.

And I still keep using it!

Coincidence? I think not. Well, okay, it’s shot flames out before and I’ve been too lazy to replace it, but still. Hair. Fire. Bad. Will I still voodoo people? Of course. I just won’t advertise it because apparently Satan googles. Fuck you, Satan.

77 Comments
 

77 Responses to Who knew there’d be so much back-splatter from a few voodoo curses? I’ll tell you who. Satan, that’s who.

  1. Steve says:

    T-Rex banner. Now we’re talking.

    I hope your eye gets better and your hair doesn’t catch on fire.

  2. Jennifer says:

    OH NO! your voodoo backfired! I’m glad you’re not giving up though! lol

  3. Heather says:

    Damn! Yeah, you better lay off the voodoo until Satan’s attention goes somewhere else. Like back to Washington! Heh.

    Is that your dinosauer in the banner? Very cool.

    • Laura says:

      Yeah, I guess he thought Weiner had it in hand.

      Yes, that is my T-Rex I had taken a pic of and put in the banner in order to get some good karma going up in here.

  4. Tink says:

    Nice nails… very pretty.

  5. Princess says:

    I told you, you were getting too wild…..what goes around comes around… HA!

  6. Tad says:

    Did someone steal your Voodoo doll? It’s like all the curses are being reversed….. oh nozzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

  7. hoodyhoo says:

    the Bunch o’ Bitches must have harnessed the power of the Great Holiday Spider and turned it to the Dark Side! Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  8. Yabu says:

    Put the coach gun to the dryer. Put it out of its misery…when dryers start thinking they’re dragons, it’s time to take drastic action.

    P.S. I’m digging the T-Rex on your banner.

    • Laura says:

      You’re probably right. New dryer time.

      I loves my T-Rex. I think I’ll stick to my dinos, they never turn on you. Well, unless they’re hungry.

  9. Julia says:

    Its just a turbo charged hair dryer! And cutting onions is the devils work! You know that is why they invented the slap chop right?? Now I know what to get you for a wedding gift… the Gift of Vince’s nuts, your gonna love them.

  10. PlayinPosse says:

    I have a great blow dryer, hardly used at all! It doesn’t shoot flames but I’m sure I could make it! Tell those BOB to quit reversing the voodoo!!

  11. The squirrel probably attacked you because of the cute kitty t-shirt you were wearing.

    You need a new hair dryer, so stop being lazy and go out and get one. Seriously, you can’t hardly wait to get a Keurig so you can make one cup of coffee at a time, but you have yet to replace a fire hazard that you employ on your head??

  12. Looks like you’ve got a case of reverse-voodoo. I recommend eating a couple donuts to remedy this. Don’t ask me why.

  13. Jena says:

    ……..bbwbwahhahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Larry says:

    Keep the flame-throwing hairdryer and leave it in the dressing room for the bunch-o-bitches to use. That will show that asshole Satan a thing or two…

  15. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    You Can Make Smores with it…

  16. Dannie says:

    so totally off point but I have my daughter in my lap, she is totally going on and on about the flying monkey….she rawrs when she points to the dinosaur, and she laughs like a little evil person at all your renderings….apparently she likes voodoo backfiring.

  17. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm….it may be premature to blame Satan for the whole backfiring Voodoo mess. After all, he can only be in one place at one time, and I doubt he has any specific reason to target you. Much bigger fish to fry on his menu.

    However, there is the infamous bunch o’bitches, who probably harbor vehemence toward your person. Could be that one of them has been secretly taking Voodoo 101 and placing the whammy on ya. Methinks they really hate ya for ‘ruining their holidays’ by throwing in the old spider and they’re out to put a hex on your ass.

    Watch ya back.

  18. Elphaba says:

    The T-Rex banner is your BEST. ONE. YET. One can never have too much rawr!

    I hope your voodoo rabies gets better soon. Even Satan himslef has to admit how awesome you are, eventually. Y’know…I bet he’s jealous! …Or afraid that you’ll put him out of job. Ha!

    At any rate, rawr! =D

  19. Jan says:

    This is why I keep my hair short so that I don’t have to use a hairdryer. Satan is always out to get me, and I view it as a safety precaution. You’d think that T-Rex could have taken care of that bastard by now.

  20. Jeffro says:

    I like your t-shirt with the piano playing cat. Your murderous squirrel has good taste in shootin’ irons, too. Plus, your skull and crossbones rendering is a classic.

    Frankly, Satan just better leave you alone. Just sayin.’

  21. I don’t know Laura. I mean, look at the upside.
    You have Voodoo Fucking Flame Thrower.
    Think of the fun when unwanted salesbitches and Mormons come to the door.
    I bet none of your neighbors have a flame thrower. They’ll be sooooooo jealous.

  22. Dannie says:

    I just had a thought! for all your voodooing and stuff, you must have had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment recently because the way I was raised, Satan only messes with people if they are too close to Jesus.

  23. Liz says:

    Flame-throwing hair dryer = life threatening = GET RID OF THAT ALREADY! We need you here, not buring yourself up.

    Private Voodoo = the way to go (at least for now). Satan will give up on you eventually and move on. Then, back to telling us about it in gory detail.

    Flame-thrownig hair dryer = a new way to voodoo (in private of course). You could burn up some bitches before the wedding. That means you save money on Circus Peanuts and Bics because you’ll need to hire fewer monkeys.

    • Laura says:

      I think I’m gonna keep the blow dryer along with a can of hair spray so I have have a real fllame-thrower. You know, ’cause everyone needs one.

  24. You want I should kick your hairdryer’s ass? Or maybe Satan’s? I am from Youngstown. I have skillz.
    Srsly. Take it easy funnny grrrlll!!

  25. Woodrow P. Dingus says:

    Wait a minute – you mean you’ve been throwing voo-doo around without wearing the mandatory protective gear? Most people doing that end up….well, you don’t wanna know.

    So no one told you about the titanium alloy asbestos encrusted protective suit? The steel moto-cross helmet with comfort fitting gel inserts? Hockey goalie gloves for in-close hand-to-hand combat protection? Not to mention the gen-u-ine steel toe lumberjack boots for kickin’ the everluvin’ snot out of one of Satan’s hell demons?
    You’re lucky you didn’t get your eye poked out. Oh and if you get a .45, you can dum-dum the bullets to make a great effect when you shoot the squirrel. just sayin’…

    • Laura says:

      That was what I wore to prom!

      I had professionals remove the squirrel, what they did to him after I didn’t want to know- just told them not to release it anywhere NOT around here. If I didn’t live in the city- I would have dealt with it my way.

  26. Meredith Burleigh says:

    As long as you keep up that VooDoo that YouDoo I can live without the advertising….but I’ll surely miss it!!

  27. Teresa says:

    I hate squirrels. We had one in the house once. The bugger got in the evening before Thanksgiving. Did some damage to the back room before we were able to get it trapped. Then the very nice pest control guy disposed of it.

    Pest guy said once they enter a house, they must be destroyed because if they’re released again they no longer stay outside – they try to go back indoors.

    Hope the eye is better!

  28. I actually don’t think you should give up that easily. Chicken.

  29. Nicole says:

    Wonder if hyphens would throw off Satan googling for voodoo?

  30. Pat says:

    That’s what they call karma, baby!

    When my sister had squirrels in her attic, a crew from National Geographic came and filmed because the guy she called used cages to capture the squirrels and set them free in the woods. The TV crew even interviewed my sister, but it never made it, to our knowledge to the final cut. Probably because my sister wasn’t all happy and doing cartwheels that they saved the little darlings. She’s like, “kill those mother fuckers!”

  31. mel says:

    Karma, baby. That shit is deadly.

  32. CGHill says:

    I bought a Spectacularly Crappy hair dryer for $2 at a garage sale back in the Pleistocene era.

    Still works like new. Then again, I don’t have all that much hair to dry.

  33. Sugar_Free says:

    Satan Googled me once…..then he curled up in a corner and rocked himself to sleep. For eternity.

  34. Brea says:

    A small, easily camouflaged FLAME THROWER, disguised as a hairdryer?? Sounds like those Bunch o’ Bitches at work have hired a James-Bond style ninja bitch to replace your household appliances with death traps! Best be keeping an eye on your coffee machine… just sayin’…

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