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All girls dream of their perfect wedding, and I’m no different. Well, maybe a little. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

J and I were sitting around watching Sunday afternoon TV.  I had the remote so we were watching shows like Say Yes To The Dress and Cupcake Wars. I don’t know what it is about that dress show, but I’m addicted.  For me it’s like watching a National Geographic special on another culture; one I’d like to view from afar, never visit.

So we were watching Cupcake Wars and these women were competing to create cupcakes and presentations for weddings. They were talking about different themes for the weddings and receptions, I think one was for a wedding in wine country or some shit when I announced “I know what theme I want for my wedding reception!” J turned and looked at me with eyebrows raised and said “Oh really?” “Yes! I want to rent a big fancy hall, invite all my co-workers and everyone who is on my shit list and when they’ve all arrived, I want the doors chained and padlocked from the outside. ” J just stared at me. “Then I want about 20-30 monkeys released into the room, each armed with a Bic lighter. All that hair spray, cheap polyester, and bitchiness has got to be highly flammable. George and I, of course, will be behind safety glass, with the videographer watching and recording the mayhem, you know, for our wedding album.”  J said “So you’re planning a Stephen King wedding theme?” “Yeah, but no one will know until it’s ten minutes too late.”

Now here is a rendering I rendered for my wedding planner:

You are cordially invited...

97 Comments
 

97 Responses to All girls dream of their perfect wedding, and I’m no different. Well, maybe a little.

  1. wpdunn71901 says:

    you know what would be really cool? Pygmy goats with lazer eyes.

    Baby Goat Fact #4114
    when roseanne barr cries, baby goats celebrate with a kegger.

  2. Jennifer says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! BEST wedding reception EVER! OH MY GOD- your rendering cracked me up! Oh, and I like how you said “George and I” LOL!

  3. Heather says:

    LMAO! Thanks for my Monday morning laugh!

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    Whew, for a minute I thought I was included in the cheap polyester but then I realized I don’t use hairspray so I won’t be trapped in the room. Probably just be driving the getaway..oops, make that the wedding car as you leave with George and your maniacal laugh.

  5. Awesome, the “Carrie” wedding.
    Don’t forget the spiders, oh and dinosaurs to clean up the evidence. They do eat barbecue, don’t they?

  6. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    That is one happy monkey.

  7. hoodyhoo says:

    LOVE IT! You should also incorporate my own ideas of a wedding cake crafted entirely out of Chicken McNuggets (I don’t like cake) and instead of champagne fountains, ours have liquor!

    • Laura says:

      Since my wedding will probably be all fancy and formal, I think I’ll have a Velveeta Cheese fountain and a bacon cake. You know, be all show off-y and shit.

      • Mr. Bingley says:

        I’ll keep working on that Circus Peanut cake.

        If I buy enough bags of them I could probably build you a Trojan Horse type thingy that the monkeys could hide in until the proper moment…

        • Laura says:

          HAHAHAHA! Yeah, but you can’t trust a damn monkey to keep their monkey hands off the peanuts long enough to surprise the guests. And they might drop their lighters..so there’s that too.

  8. Jade says:

    I seriously choked on my coffee when I saw that rendering you rendered for your wedding planner! lol

  9. Imagination says:

    What really amazes me is you got all that from watching “cupcakes”? The mind is a wonderful thing….!

  10. Yabu says:

    I will definitely contact you when I’m in need of some creative offing.

  11. Tink says:

    UM! I’m sorry and I hope you understand.. I will not be at your wedding….. besides Polyester does not suit me….

  12. Jena says:

    I was waiting for George in there somewhere. So J had the “o’rlly” owl look going on huh? Can you render that?! LOLOL

  13. Jena says:

    Sooo…Im thinking the blonde hair in a bun is very distinctive….

  14. Julia says:

    Is there any room in the viewing box? And can I add some guests?? I would be willing to bring the marshmellos and graham crackers… (Wait will you have a ‘roasting hole’??)

  15. iampisspot says:

    This is the best fucking idea EVER. I am a wedding planner ( I shit you not), and would be happy to assist in any way possible to ensure your day runs to perfection. I suggest that each lighter wielding monkey wears rollerskates – y’know, to get round quicker.

  16. Holly says:

    hehe, who knew bitchiness was flammable, I learn something every day!

  17. Aww, isn’t that sweet! Congratulations on your engagement! I’d ask if I can come, but it sounds like i don’t want to…

  18. Fred G says:

    You are seriously twisted! I love it–LMAO!!

  19. Stephanie G. says:

    HAHAHAHA! Will that rendering be on your invitations?

  20. Ah, a tacky bridesmaid dress (with 3/4 sleeves!!!) with empire waistline. The corsage is a nice touch!

  21. Curtal Friar says:

    LOLOLOL!!!

    Thanks, I needed a laugh this morning, after the shitty weekend I had. You never fail to satisfy.

    One small problem, though. The bunch’o'bitches, owing to the fact they are bitches, will undoubtedly run around setting everything around them on fire. Thus, the place will burn down, incinerating the poor monkeys as well. Now, I’m not fond of primates, but they don’t deserve that. So, did you have an escape route for them so they can get out but still leave the bitches to be cremated?

    • Laura says:

      OF COURSE! The monkeys will have an escape route, probably in the ceiling after climbing a chandelier where they will be traded Circus Peanuts for their lighters. “Job well done. Monkey. Now put the lighter in the box and have a Circus Peanut. Good monkey.”

  22. If I give you a list of people will you invite them to your wedding? I happen to already have a very long Bazooka List just waiting for the day some one gives me a bazooka.

  23. Meredith Burleigh says:

    As weddings in general make me feel all stabby, I generally avoid them. I’d make an exception for the Ledford-Clooney nuptual reception, though, if I was guaranteed a viewers’ invitation. Did Cupcake Wars suggest what kind of cupcakes go best with a bunch o’ burnin’ bitches?

  24. AmyLynn says:

    LOVE this. You must pipe in music during the mayhem…..

    Ozzy –Crazy Train?

    that is all

  25. Can I be flower girl??

    • Laura says:

      YES! I want lots and lots of flower girls, like throwing them at people as you walk down the aisle, but instead of flowers they’ll be rocks.

  26. You know what else will be cool?

    The monkeys will also be flinging their poop.

    KARMA!!!! :D

  27. Jan says:

    Well shit. Given the ‘tards that I work with, my bitchiness quotient has gone through. the. roof. So now that I am highly combustible, I need to avoid all open flame. That makes the arson that I’ve been planning more dangerous than I expected. Fuck. I need a plan B. And quickly.

  28. Curtal Friar says:

    So….is there any way I could impose upon you to create and send me a rendering of a monkey with a crowbar in one hand and a flamethrower in the other, and a belt with a couple of incendiary grenades around his waist, and of course an evil grin on his face, that I could use in a future post of how to handle idiots on the road?

  29. Dannie says:

    Ok so my role in this will be to wear a flame retarded or was it retardant? suit, have a gun and hello target practice LOL.

    oh wait, time to go back to my sweet self. I have to be a role model you know!

  30. Steve says:

    Best. Rendering. Yet.

  31. Liz says:

    I was sure hoping for an invite when you marry George. But, I’m busy that day! Wait. . . I’m a bitch but not the kind you want to assinate. I think I’d be safe.

    I certainly would enjoy the “show.”

    And, I think a large amount of air purifiers and / or Febreeze would take care of that aweful Bitch Smoke smell.

  32. I hate to admit that I watch cupcake wars, but I do. Sadly I also smoke copious amounts of theraputic weed while doing so. I usually end up fucking up a box of twinkies after it’s all said and done. I like your wedding theme, could have used you as my wedding planner a few times.would have saved me a lot of trouble.

    • Laura says:

      Ha! I’d hate to taste my cooking if I did it high. Drunk I’m okay with because I usually just wake up on the floor when the smoke alarms go off. High, I’m afraid would make me try to get all fancy and I’d probably end up poisoning myself.

  33. Sugar Free says:

    Last night I found out that one of the guys in my husband’s band works with monkeys for his real job and I’m gonna have him steal some for you. And I just bought a 10 pack of Bic lighters the other day so I should totally be your favorite for the day, right? Right??? I also raised goats as a child in case you needed more awesome.

  34. CGHill says:

    This is one of the few things I’d actually pay to see on YouTube.

  35. Jeffro says:

    For some reason – I cannot imagine why – buckets ‘o pigs blood come to mind…..

  36. Nicole says:

    So if I get an invite, I should RSVP my regrets and mail you your gift. Got it.

  37. I love your plan, and the rendering, but I really think the color of the bridesmaid’s dress is a little too flattering. I’m sure there’s a tangerine dress out there somewhere, waiting for a bunch ‘o bitches who thoroughly deserve to look hideous before and after the monkeys have been released.

  38. Larry says:

    It’s not a wedding until the fire department is called out. Or is that a barbecue?

  39. zonker says:

    Bet there’ll be one hell of an after-party, too.

  40. Oddybobo says:

    You can pay-per-view that shit! ;)

  41. Kristy says:

    Totally and officially this post. That is so my type of wedding.

  42. You know, major dad watches “Say Yes to the dress” with me. If I’m in the kitchen when it’s time for the show, he even turns the channel to make sure I don’t miss the re-run that comes on before the new episode. What a dreamboat, eh?

    Of course, I watch all the killing something shows with him on Sunday. That’s what compromise is.

    • Laura says:

      I am totally ADDICTED to that show! It’s amazing really. I am sooo anti-marriage and all that wedding hoopla. I think I just like watching it and thinking “Wow, people really feel that way?”

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