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If this superpower thing works out, it is going to sound like a giant pan of Jiffy-Pop going off at my office. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I had to go back to my eye doctor Thursday for a follow-up. My eye has been hurting like a motherfucker too.  After looking at my stained eye in the head contraption thingie, the doctor rolled back in his chair and folded his arms.

“It’s no better, maybe a little worse since your last visit.”

“I know and it really hurts.”

“It really should be better.”

“I know.”

“I’d like to try a “bandage contact’ on your eye and have you come back tomorrow. If all is well, we’ll place another before the start of the weekend.”

“OH, I HATE CONTACTS and I can’t even think about one being on my eye now! Seriously, can’t we do something else?”

He left the room and came back with a small box and opened it up and pulled out a sealed contact tray. He held it up in front of me.

“But it’s a magical bandage contact that not only cures rabies and leprosy, but is said to give the wearer special powers!”

My mouth flew open in mock surprise and wonder.

“What kind of special powers?”

“It’s different for everyone!”

I threw back my head and widened my eyes.

“Well put that marvelous sonsabitch in there, Doc!”

My eye feels sooo much better, y’all. And I cannot wait to see what special powers I get. I hope it’s that one where I can make people’s heads explode with a thought. That would be cool, and convenient.

“I wasn’t anywhere near her, Officer. Her head just exploded.” Diabolical smile.

Now here’s a picture I took of a goat to start your weekend off right.

This goat is awesome and knows it.

118 Comments
 

118 Responses to If this superpower thing works out, it is going to sound like a giant pan of Jiffy-Pop going off at my office.

  1. Superpowers? I’d want to be able to teleport myself…into banks, stores, restaurants, wine cellars.
    Fuck this work shit, I’d be king.

  2. Jennifer says:

    That is one awesome goat!

    Girl, there will be exploding heads everywhere you go. I bet the police will start getting suspicious!

  3. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You with super powers? God help us all.

  4. Heather says:

    What a great doctor!

  5. One Crazed Chick says:

    Oh….you can really give them “THE EVIL” eye now!

  6. June R. says:

    First time commenter, long time reader here. Laura I just want to tell you that I love your blog! Thanks for making me laugh almost daily!

  7. TINK says:

    “Well put that marvelous sonsabitch in there, Doc!” MADE ME LITERALY PROJECT MY COFFEE ACROSS THE ROOM…

  8. Princess says:

    I really think your doctors get happy when they see your name on their schedule… you probably make their day!

    • Laura says:

      Here’s what I think- look at how many people just don’t “get” it and imagine how many “duds” they see a day. I would think they don’t mind the joking, and if they do- I get another doctor.

  9. Yabu says:

    You’ll probably be able to take stick science and voodoo to the next level, or maybe develop a new science.

    You are my friend, right?

  10. Tad says:

    I have to say, that Goat is very handsome. I cant imagine being that close to a goat.Thought they butted and kicked and you could not get close to them.So that really intrigues me… I also have to say that I really enjoy the pictures, what ever they are.

    • Laura says:

      This woman’s goats were the sweetest, most gentle creatures you would ever want to meet. Seriously. Even when the babies “jumped” on you, they did it gingerly. One little baby “tapped’ me with his head to get attention. She kept the bucks in another area, but all they did was ignore us.

  11. June says:

    “OH, I HATE CONTACTS and I can’t even think about one being on my eye now! Seriously, can’t we do something else?” WERE U WHINNING? you’ve been round those Bunch-O-Bitches TOO DAMN LONG!

  12. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm…well, with the power to make heads explode, you’re going to be in great demand, come the zombie apocalypse.

    Every little nazi who’s running a compound where survivors have gathered will want you so they have an edge over everyone. Soon as the nazi makes a special helmet that makes him immune to your power, he will have you accompany him everywhere, to kill any zombies that come near him. Then he can threaten all the other survivors who don’t want to follow him. If they disobey, he’ll open the gates and let the zombies in to get them. He’ll be safe, cause he’ll have you to kill any undead that come near him.

    Others of course will want to have you as their secret weapon, too, so there’ll be a multitude of battles to decide who gets to be the one to have “Lady Headbang” under his control.

    • Laura says:

      DUDE, I totally saw all that in my head as I read it! George Clooney played the Nazi running the compound and we fell madly, deeply in love as he battled to keep me safe from the other Nazis wanting to use me as their secret weapon. I must add, there were lots of sex scenes of us scattered throughout the visualization. And I just won’t elaborate on the Lady Headbang thing…

      • Curtal Friar says:

        Well, Danny DeVito could be one of the other nazis, and there could be a scene where a horde of zombies is approaching, and he’s screaming at you to kill them, and you’re sitting there calmly doing your fingernails and responding:

        “Oh, no, my power quit working. Ain’t that a real bitch?”

        Of course any undead that come near you get their heads blown up, and then De Vito, just before the zombies get him will yell “it just worked! kill the zombies, NOW!”

        And you’ll respond “Oh, dang, it quit working again. Ain’t that a real bitch?”

    • Jena says:

      That was an awesome dialoge. *pop* What was that sound?

  13. Julia says:

    Well if it was a super power you could see through peoples clothing you would know it by now…so that can’t be it! The ability to vomit on command! Think about it you could get out of ANYTHING if you could vomit on command!

    Your at the dentist he pulls out the drill, you puke, drill goes away!

    Your at a long hot stupid meeting at work, vomit, your out sitting in the sunshine eating street meat and feeding pigions!

    • Laura says:

      HA! I could totally do without that vomit power- probably known as a Super Model Superpower….except hmm… I could eat more bacon…

  14. Curtal Friar says:

    On a different topic….the vampire show that you enjoyed watching so much, was that The Vampire Diaries or True Blood?

  15. Imagination says:

    OK If you have that Head Exploding power thingy… I have a list…..

  16. I too will have a list of people who need their heads exploded. I’d also like to specify a time, so I can be sure not to be caught near the messiness. Although I’m pretty sure at least half the people on my list wouldn’t have much to explode. I should get a discount.

  17. Janet says:

    That goat really does look like he knows he’s awesome.

  18. Please use your powers for good. Also, please explode the heads of anybody who burns popcorn in the office microwave. It’s the right thing to do.

    • Laura says:

      I don’t know about that whole “powers for good’ thing, but yes, popcorn burners will be “targets.” Also all kinds of traffic violators.

  19. Well, after all that, I’m pretty sure you’ve got the part in the “Scanners” reboot.
    Next stop…Hollywood.
    And you can track down that WHORE and make her head explode.
    And then drink some gin…on the veranda…with pool boys who don’t speak English.

  20. Jena says:

    No, he didn’t! Did he really say that? That’s just too funny! And sadly enough, he knows you.

  21. Jena says:

    Did the “contact bandage” look like a bandage? Ya know, with the bandage image or one of those freaky contacts

    http://bit.ly/k81YLQ

    http://bit.ly/lAX2Un

  22. I expected something said about the cut. I could totally use some super powers! You are so lucky.

    I just caught the office supply delivery man staring at me through my office window. It wouldn’t be creepy if he was like Ryan Renolds hot, but he isn’t.

    • Laura says:

      You should look back at him and make bedroom eyes and lick your lips all seductively and shit, then flip him off.

      Oh God, my cut! Tragic. It was so traumatic, I thought I’d wait until I could bear to re-live it in my head to write it. Besides, people of FB need instant updates…now if I can just work Twitter into the mix.

  23. MorningGlory says:

    I really try not to be a lurker; I want to be a full-on commenter cuz I remember when I had my blog I wanted comments, dammit, and I found out that I had several (well, a few) lurkers, but no commenters, and it made me sad. So, I try to comment. But dammit, I’m always late to the party around here, and all the really good, witty, bitchin’ comments are already commented. I’m just going to have to start earlier in the morning, I guess. Dammit.

    I hope your eye feels better, and I saw the knife incident picture, so I hope that feels better, too. And how is your thumb rabies? What with the eye leprosy and stuff, you haven’t mentioned it in a while.

    • Laura says:

      I CUT MY RABID THUMB! And it still has rabies, but goes full out of remission just every once in awhile. And thank you for commenting! Yes, I do indeed LOVE commenters!

  24. Rick Martin says:

    I “kid” you not, Netflix has suggested a movie for me. The title? “The Goat”.

  25. AmyLynn says:

    That goat looks like he knows some secret voodoo. Maybe he can assist you?

    I need my cell phone carrier to have their mean customer service people in a certain location removed of their heads. Please send me the details of contracting your services.

    I prefer goat messenger as my means of communicating.

    I am glad your eye is better, hope it heals fast but leaves you with the super powers.

  26. iampisspot says:

    If you casually graze over the comments to this blog post, without paying that much attention to them, it’s a bit like sitting in the middle of a crack-den, listening in to the fucked-up conversations. Not that I’ve ever sat in the middle of a crack-den, listening in to the fucked-up conversations…

    I generally sit outside, with a glass, one end attached to the wall, the other held to my ear.

  27. Jenny says:

    You freakin’ crack me up! :) :)

  28. BreAnn says:

    I love that he knows exactly what to say to get you to put the contact in! Crossing my fingers your superpowers only increases your voodoo prowess…

  29. Dannie says:

    Your Dr. must get some comedic relief when you come in. Does he sing and crack jokes on a regular basis?

    • Laura says:

      No, not usually. My GP and cardiologist will though! They’re hysterical. This eye doctor really doesn’t see me often so when he said that I was cracking up.

      • Dannie says:

        ha ha ha….I got a weird looking mole removed from my breast in April and the surgeon was singing to me while slicing and dicing me and then when he holds that piece of flab up with the entire mole that was huge, he went….”say hello to your little friend”

        I dont’ think I laughed so much in my life….I don’t think you’re suppsed to be that amused under the knife even if only localized anesthesia…

        Well tell me, are your super powers working???? :D

  30. Elphaba says:

    Laura, I’m glad your eye is feeling better. Also, best of luck with the superpower thingie!

    *waves hand* I am not the sonsabitch you are looking for.

  31. Sugar Free says:

    That goat looks very wise to me for some reason. But I don’t trust that fucker behind him one bit.

  32. Suzanne says:

    If there are to be exploding heads all around you, you may consider reusing your all-you-can-eat crab outfit, so that there are less clothes to wash later.

  33. CGHill says:

    Possibly fearsome power: the ability to perform feats of Stick Science without an actual stick.

    Already I tremble.

  34. Liz says:

    I’m in need of some exploding heads ASAP. I have lots of small, unmarked bills. However, they go with my Monopoly game. Can I hire you anyway?

    PS – You didn’t drink too much gin after you cut your thumb off did you?

    PSS – If the exploding head superpower doesn’t materialize, hire some goats to kick some ass instead.

    PSSS – The white goat is awesome (and knows it) but the one behind him is pure evil!!

  35. Brandon says:

    Ooh! Ooh! I want magical powers too!

    I’d choose the power to randomly turn people into tourettes-esque curse-machines. Could you imagine the fun of going to church??

    Hope your eye gets better. If not, maybe an eyepatch is in your future. Nothing wrong with being a pirate…

    My Own Private Idaho

  36. Diana says:

    O Jesus, you made me laugh so hard – not at your superpowers obviously, but at the thought of how cool your eye doctor is to give you the chance to develop them. I need his name and address immediately.
    kthxby

  37. Jan says:

    Fabulous goat is Fab-u-laaaaassssss! Maybe your superpower will be the ability to summon adorable baby goats whenever you need a cute fix.

  38. Your special powers will be:Magical Goat Powers. Like goat cheese. That’s flippin’ Special.

  39. Larry says:

    I am glad I am owned by a Doxie, I am safe from your head exploding superpower.

  40. Nicole says:

    A bandage on the eye!!! Ewwww…now I’m all squirmy. Poor thing.

  41. Jeffro says:

    Have you made your super power outfit yet? Gotta be something with a cape, I’m thinking. Maybe your power will be to bring the Holiday Spider to life and direct it’s movements. Think of the terror!

  42. cricket says:

    I know it’s later in the day and I’m being lazy by not reading the other comments but… um… if their head exploded wouldn’t that be a little… er… messy. Kind of squishy brains and stuff? I mean, it would be a good way to trap the zombies but there could be… splash back. Just be sure to be far enough to way not to get… urp… splattered.

  43. SB Smith says:

    Special Powers…..maybe you will be able to Will the slugs on the road in front of you to simply pull over and let you pass….As for the one who refuses to cooperate…You already explained that you have no idea why her head exploded.
    BWA ha ha ha ha ……

  44. Well, at first I was really sorry about your eye ’cause it sucks to be in pain and uncomfortable – especially in the eye. But now I’m just jealous of your special powers and mad at you for flaunting them in front of me. I’m fickle like that.

  45. Jena says:

    You sure it’s not some kinda x ray vision? Or sharpens your asshole/bitch vision? Makes you a fashion police? Grammar nazi?

  46. patti says:

    All my comments on blogs – even my own – are disappearing. I’m trying here to see if I can comment on yours… erg!

  47. Jill says:

    I scratched my cornea in Jr High and had to wear a patch. It did wonders for my popularity.

    • Laura says:

      HA! I bet you were nominated Prom Queen! Wait, do they have Prom Queen in Jr. High? Probably not. Then Jr. High Princess. Or school pirate or something.

  48. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    Pirate in the North Pacific… Milder weather! Crabs Baby! and whale watching cruises to plunder! I once had a Largish Subcutaneous Fatty tumor removed from My Back… had a fiend stick 3/8 inch plastic Google Eyes on it After they Prepped Me and rewrapped it. when the surgeon sat down and Opened that Napkin up…I sware he said “oh F##K Me Now”
    again Psychically suck you eyepain out and deliver it to My Ex boss’s Groinal Region.

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