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The End Is Near! | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

 

One of the ladies in my posse missed going to the goat farm the other week. She became consumed with goat envy after seeing my pics and cried until we promised to take her. So we plan on going back this coming Saturday, May 21st. Today I found out that that’s the same day Jesus is supposed to come back and get all the good people. When I told her it was Judgment Day she kind of looked at me blankly and said “So? Jesus can find us there.” And I said “Well, I myself want to get back to loot all those empty houses early.” I bet good Christians have some good shit. She told me I was awful and I said “I know you are, but what am I?” and she said “Going to Hell.” Then I said it may be cool to spend the Rapture at a Raptor Center but she cried again because she has her heart set on playing with the goats and who can blame her? Goats are fucking awesome. Also there’s a goat there named Snowball and if I stand a chance in Hell, it’s with Snowball. Get it? Snowball? Chance in Hell? I don’t know what I’m saying. I think I may have just condemned my soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone. Or not. But here’s a drawing I rendered of Snowball and me in Hell:

 

Snowball in Hell

 

Oddly, it looks very similar to my rendering titled “Summertime in South Carolina With Snowball.”

 

46 Comments
 

46 Responses to The End Is Near!

  1. DogsDontPurr says:

    When I first looked at this rendering, I thought, “No, she’s not in Hell. She’s just lost, standing on the hot magma of an erupting volcano, gazing *away* from the beautiful Aurora Borealis behind her.
    Then I noticed that you were wearing a Justin Bieber t~shirt, and I realized you really were in Hell!!!
    *** HA! YES! Now imagine his song “Baby” playing on a loop in the background. Over and over and over. That’s Hell. ~Laura

  2. THE Mr. Bill says:

    Awesome rendering LMAO You seem rather unsurprised by being in hell, BUT poor Snowball has a “WTF? Where am I and how did I get here?” look. We need 2 more renderings, one where Snowball sees you and one with Snowball wearing a “No wonder” expression…just sayin’.
    ps – yeah, it’s demanding, but you are a Attention Whore Without Equal you know. With titles, comes responsibilities. Attention Whoring ain’t easy!
    ps – who is on that T-Shirt?
    *** Justin Bieber- a teeny booper pop star. And you are correct, attention whoring IS hard work. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! OMG Hell’s a piece of cake after survivng the summers in SC! lololol!
    *** True that. ~Laura

  4. Rosie Posie says:

    Well, If Jesus comes to take all the good Christians somewhere, doesn’t (he) just leave the rest of us heathens here? I mean…… this is hell.right?
    *** That is why I will be looting. ~Laura

  5. Tink says:

    are there any “Lambs” around where your going…? I mean I think it would be better for U guys to be with the “Lambs” not the goats……yeah.. Lambs…
    *** No lambs, but there are donkeys I believe so that seems fitting for us to be around a bunch of asses. ~Laura

  6. Nevaeh says:

    Wait !!!! I have BIG plans for Sunday…. So this Jesus shit is not gonna fit in my schedule… It would just be my luck.. Damn It! You know he be taken me “somewhere” cuz my name is Heaven backwards,, so I’m a shoe in… Damn it!
    *** And Satan’s sign is an upside down cross so I wouldn’t be counting on your reverse name too much. Ha! ~Laura

  7. Nevaeh says:

    P.S. Is that a Justin Bieber T-shirt you have on in this rendering…. You are gonna burn in hell….
    *** Yes. The shirt symbolizes Hell. Even more than the river of fire. And probably. ~Laura

  8. garnet says:

    LOL! That rendering looks like my office!
    *** Ha! Mine too! ~Laura

  9. Heather says:

    Know what’s more awesome than goats? YOU and your blog! Thank you for my morning laughs!
    *** You’re welcome and you’re the new Director of my PR Department. But seriously, goats fucking awesome so I know you exaggerated there. But you’re still hired. ~Laura

  10. Stacy says:

    I want to spend the Rapture playing with baby goats too!
    *** You really should. ~Laura

  11. Ruby Red says:

    What the hell are U doing in Hell with a goat named Snowball? wasn’t there a black goat named Satan? or Beelzebub? or something. You,Justin Bebe and a white goat? OMG! I’m still wiping down my screen, Coffee… everywhere. You should have your own show… or write for some of these Bozo’s who think they are funny…. You have them beat hands down.,.. Yeah, someone is gonna scoop you up…. We will miss you when you’re famous. Will you still do Monkey’s? Dont do late nite.. Do early morning… YEAH!
    *** I’m dragging Snowball with me. That’s all there is to it. And yeah, even when I’m rich and famous- I’ll remember you guys- I’ll need servants and butlers and people to walk my goats. Ha! ~Laura

  12. hoodyhoo says:

    Nice try, but wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt isn’t going to convince anyone you’re Rapture material. JESUS CANNOT BE FOOLED BY A T-SHIRT, LAURA!
    *** Satan made me wear it actually. I think it’s the uniform down there. His music is perpetually playing too. Justin’s not Satan’s. Satan’s too busy for music. I’ve been told so anyway. ~Laura

  13. Hell’s lookin a little more empty than I thought it would…
    Wait. How in the hell (literally) did you get your own private room?
    If I have to share a room with someone from Jersey Shore Satan’s gonna get an earfull!
    *** Oh my God. A room with Snooky! That would be Hell. ~Laura

  14. Yabu says:

    I’ll be at the Doxie races and looking at rescues on Judgement Day. I should be safe.
    *** OH NO That’s this weekend?! Dammit! Yes, you will be safe indeed. ~Laura

  15. lifeshighway says:

    There is a special place in hell for someone who would drag Snowball to Satan’s backyard just for the company. Look at his poor little worried face. Do you think it is easy to keep that coat white?
    *** HA! He does look worried and looks like we got a special place next to the lava rivers.. ~Laura

  16. Jena says:

    you’re going to hell cos of you are wearing the 3rd most popular woman’s t shirt on the internet.
    *** I’m gonna burn. ~Laura

  17. I heard about Judgement Day as well, that’s why I begged the girls at work to celebrate my birthday this week instead of Monday the 23rd…So I have no chance of missing cake!
    PS. Just in case you feel that you might be leaving with Jesus you might want to set up pet care for the pooch and cats http://aftertherapturepetcare.com/ We found this website last year, it’s free! Or you could become a pet care giver, since you think you might be hanging around!
    *** HA! I think I’ll apply for a job with them. And Happy Early Birthday! You know..in case… ~Laura

  18. Elphaba says:

    The Musak in hell is one long playlist of Rebecca Black, Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus, and Rosanne Barr (singing the National Anthem).
    I hope they have margaritas in hell.
    *** Ha! Oooo and daiquiris with wee lil umbrellas! ~Laura

  19. Erik says:

    Love the rendering of you in Hell/ South Carolina in summertime.
    When Jesus does come back(and probably NOT May 21 – “no one knows the day or the hour”), you are welcome to my stuff, though you would hafta drive kinda far. Please include my dog and cat when you come to get my stuff.
    *** I will pick them up in one of the Rolls Royces from my fleet. It will have flames on the sides and I will be eating Circus Peanuts laughing maniacally. I don’t know why. I just will. ~Laura

  20. GOODDOG_BADDOG says:

    sorry, I have no comment about you going to hell but I just have to tell you that I HAD A GOAT IN MY DREAM last night…what the fuck???? I won’t go into details but, That damn goat was trying to push me over to get to a turd in a murky sludge pond and I had to grab him by the horns and wrestle him. He was a nice friendly goat though…pushy but nice.
    *** HAHA! Seriously, that’s funny. Thank you. ~Laura

  21. zonker says:

    Summertime in South Carolina? I thought that was an artist’s rendition of you having just eaten a bunch of spicy BBQ…trying to hold off on using the restroom at your workplace. I couldn’t explain the goat but I knew the poor guy was right to look alarmed.
    *** HAHA! He certainly does. ~ Laura

  22. Curtal Friar says:

    1. I disagree with Elphaba. The music in hell is Barry Manilow singing Mandy followed by I Write The Songs, over and over and over and over for all eternity.
    2. WTF?? The rapture is this coming Saturday? Says who?
    3. Hell won’t take ya, sorry. You’d be getting people to laugh too much and taking their minds off the suffering they’re supposed to be enduring, so I’m afraid you will be barred from entering. That leaves two options, either you will be allowed to enter Heaven by default, or you’ll be a wandering poltergeist, visiting people and either scaring the shit out of them or annoying them to no end. They may let Snowball go with ya though, so that’s ome consolation. Hey, maybe they could make a movie: The Ghost And The Goat.
    *** Oh I think that poltergeist thing sounds like fun. And I want Angelina Jolie to play me in that movie- after she gains a few pounds of course. ~Laura

  23. Brea says:

    Reminds me of a story…
    George (no, not the Clooney, simmah down) dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates, facing Peter. Peter looks him over, and says… “C’mon in, We have all your heavens ready for you to choose from. Lutherans to the left, Catholics to the right, Pagans are out there in the woods.”
    George looks around where Peter’s pointing, and notices that he doesn’t mention the HUGE walled in area, that even has an enormous dome over the top.
    “Hey, Pete? What’s that over there behind those enormous walls, and why can’t I go there?”
    “Oh,” Peter says, shaking his head and laughing, “Those are the Rapturists… they think they’re the only ones here, and we don’t want to spoil their fun.”
    *** HA! I know right? Everybody wants their own club and feel special. Pffft. I just hope there’s baby goats everywhere. ~ Laura

  24. Barry says:

    Snowball and all the other goats really should watch the company they keep. I mean you dragged this goat to hell with you right? I guess that can be a lesson for all of us. Standing there looking cute minding your own business when BAM! Hell bound!!
    *** HA! I know! But Hell doesn’t care if you’re cute. ~Laura

  25. Jan says:

    Send some of that heat up here willya? Might dry us out some. I swear I’m going to need a snorkel on my lawn mower. Good thing that the J-man can walk on water cuz otherwise his second coming will be marred by a drowning.
    *** Ha! You can have ALL the heat if you want. ~Laura

  26. Carra says:

    I love your rendering and don’t worry, Snowball will get used to his new surroundings because you will be there to love him! You won’t be alone-I’ve got my hand basket ready to go. I’ve been reading about some of these predictions. Judgment Day is supposed to be May 21 at 6pm (didn’t say which time zone) and the End of Days is supposed to be Oct 21. All kinds of nasty sh*t is suppose to happen in between. Sounds like one big party for all of us heathens!
    *** I’ll help you carry a big screen tv if you help me set some cop cars on fire. Ha! ~Laura

  27. You and Snowball are probably safe…but Justin Bieber? He’s definitely the spawn of Lucifer.
    *** Ain’t he though. ~Laura

  28. CGHill says:

    Actually, South Carolina in the summer has a bit more humidity than the picture might suggest.
    *** The swamp pictures looked too cozy, so I chose lava rivers. ~Laura

  29. jw says:

    Poor Snowball in hell. Instant Cabrito!
    Just saying.
    nummmm, Cabrito.
    *** NOOOOOOooooooOOOOO! Blasphemer! ~Laura

  30. laughingmom says:

    I always pictured Hell with a Cash Bar…
    *** Ha! Oh, I bet there’s one there. ~Laura

  31. VEG says:

    As a Canadian, I hereby deeply apologize for producing such inane idiots as Justin Bieber and Celine Dion. Oh, and Shania Twain.
    I figure I am already going to hell for the oh-so-many things I do every day that earn me “heathen” status, so I am going to go get a cut and colour on Saturday. Red, of course.
    *** YES! Red IS the best color. We forgive you Canadians because you also make Smartie Candies so y’all can’t be half bad. Except I get kinda pissed when I get one of your quarters as change and then I can’t use it in a vending machine. Stupid fake quarter. Ha! ~Laura

  32. curtalfriar says:

    Hey, I created a Rapture contract at my place for use this week before it’s all over.
    Maybe you can find a true believer to sign it for you before Saturday.
    *** Ha! Like I’m gonna ASK for their stuff. Ha! ~Laura

  33. I would love to go with you! (To see the goats, not to Hell. Although I guess I’ll see you there.)
    *** Ha! If you lived here you could go with us! Goats everywhere! ~Laura

  34. Sassy says:

    lol@ spending the Rapture at the Raptor Center. That does look like a cool place to be, Rapture or not.
    *** It does doesn’t it? ~Laura

  35. Curtal Friar says:

    *** Ha! Like I’m gonna ASK for their stuff. Ha! ~Laura
    Yeah, but with a contract like the one I came up with, you get their stuff even in the Rapture doesn’t happen, so you’re covered.
    *** Oh well then, now we’re talkin’… ~Laura

  36. Dannie says:

    ok so it’s lunchtime and I’m now wiping down my work laptop because I just spit my food at that rendering. Damn you.
    Next, my particular denomination was started after some Jesus is coming date in the 1800s that never happened so hate to burst your rapture bubble but I have a sneaking suspicion that we will ***still be down here*** (whispers in your ear) on the 22nd….better be too, my ex-boyfriend who is my ex due to his announcement that he wanted to date another guy…sucks for me, don’t really want to have a sex change….it’s his birthday and I want to wish him a happy birthday…dangnabbit. And then my birthday is the following week and I want a massage dangnabbit.
    Anyways does it count that if I don’t believe in the rapture theory that I’ll still be down here to enjoy my b-day? ok this is a sermon and not a comment….I think I got a goat picture…let me check and e-mail you if I have it
    *** I kinda think we’ll all be here too on the 22nd, so I didn’t open a bunch of credit cards THIS TIME. And no, I don’t recommend changing your sex for a man, let alone changing anything else for a man especially when you’re awesome to begin with. Yes- goat pics! I have some others from readers I’ll be posting too. ~Laura

  37. Suzanne says:

    Relax. It is just Judgement Day on May 21. October 21 is the actual end of the world. Plenty of time to figure out what to say to God, and repent and stay out of hell and whatnot.
    *** Oooh and get some credit cards… ~Laura

  38. Jeffro says:

    The news was all in a tizzy the other day because Justin Bieber changed his hairstyle. BFD, I said. I’ll be burning in hell as well, now.
    *** Bring your own goat, Snowball’s mine. Ha! ~ Laura

  39. One Crazed Chick says:

    If Judgement Day is 5/21, does this mean you can eat carbs all the time? BTW, great rendering!!
    *** Until Saturday I reckon. And thanks! ~laura

  40. Jan says:

    Hey, thanks, you deliver pretty quick!!!!! It cleared off right before lunch and is now a sunny and wonderful 65F! Woohoo!!!!
    *** You’re welcome. Ha! ~Laura

  41. Elphaba says:

    Lemme tell you why (while I don’t listen to his music) I can’t bring myself to hate on Justin Bieber.
    We had a young teenaged friend who was dying of an incurable cancer. She was a huge JB fan and when he heard about her, he came to her home, gave her a private concert, hung out with her, and had pictures of them taken for her to keep. It was an incredible kindness. Justin Bieber is okay in my book.
    *** Yes he is indeed. I don’t hate him. I just wish he’d stop singing. Ha! ~Laura

  42. George says:

    “Well, I myself want to get back to loot all those empty houses early.” I bet good Christians have some good shit…..A group of us can meet up do a bit of looting…then eat a late lunch and skip out on the bill!
    *** MAYHEM everywhere! Deal! ~Laura

  43. Truella says:

    I have heard some really great things about the Bieber. So I’m up with the Beib…But I agree that he should stop singing….
    *** And I’m grateful he got a haircut. ~Laura

  44. Rose says:

    Well I always said Justin Bieber needed to be killed with fire…
    Also-I hope there’s some sort of Jesus-sponsored divine unemployment for all those shmucks who quit their jobs and spent their life savings. They certainly won’t need our earthly peasant welfare.
    *** HA! I can’t imagine someone being that sure of a date, seriously. ~Laura

  45. diane dodd says:

    the shirt is fucking awesome. i better get myself one before saturday.
    *** We should buy them in bulk and hand them out to friends. ~Laura

  46. tal says:

    2 days late and a $ short.
    Yer going to hell.
    See ya there.

    *** Bring bacon! ~Laura

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