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There’s only one thing more disgusting than the bathrooms at work, and that’s the breakroom. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I went to heat up my lunch one day at work last week. We have two microwave ovens in the breakroom. The newer one is extremely weak, like taking 10 minutes to melt cheese weak, so I always use the larger, older one. I put my bowl of she-crab soup on the turntable and placed a paper towel over it for splatters without really looking in, and I set the timer for two minutes. After just a few seconds it started smelling strangely and making a weird noise and I noticed the turntable wasn’t turning. I opened the door and pulled my soup out and looked in. Besides looking like a CSI crime scene what with all the splatters everywhere, there was a hotdog that had been jammed under the turntable plate of the oven keeping it from turning. How did this happen? Did someone put a wiener under the plate on purpose or did it escape? How in the hell does someone miss an entire wiener? If you put two wieners in and only one comes out wouldn’t you wonder what happened? Wouldn’t you question the whereabouts of the other wiener? And if you discovered it rolled off the plate and got destroyed, why wouldn’t you clean it up? I stared at it a few more seconds then closed the door, picked up my bowl, and went to my desk to enjoy my cold soup.


I bet that rogue wiener is still there this week.


Now here’s a photo I took for Goat Awareness Month:


Goat Awareness Month


Please be aware that goats in trees are awesome.

45 Comments
 

45 Responses to There’s only one thing more disgusting than the bathrooms at work, and that’s the breakroom.

  1. Meredith Burleigh says:

    I’d bet that one of the Bunch O’Bitches carefully timed this weiner deal just to fuck with you. You’re just lucky it wasn’t the holiday spider! ;) Have a great Monday…if there is such a thing!
    *** If they really wanted to fuck with me they would have left a pot pie in there. God, I hate pot pies. You have a good Monday too. ~Laura

  2. Winston Smith says:

    You like goats.
    And you have a stab list.
    And you told your DI you were afraid of dinosaurs.
    You are awesome.
    Or mad.
    Probably both.
    I’ll be back…
    *** I get that a lot for some reason… And welcome! ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    OH GOD- a bunch of women in a brakroom or bathroom is disguisting. And who the hell leaves a wiener in a microwave without picking it up???
    *** Someone expecting someone else to do it. ~Laura

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    This is why I have a microwave in my office that the Bunch O’Bitches don’t use (same with the fridge and coffeemaker). Wow….I look and sound like a total snob. I never have to leave my office.
    *** Being a snob in an office full of bitches is a good thing. ~Laura

  5. Heather says:

    The women in my office are disgustingly filthy creatures who are even too lazy to fllush the toilet!.
    *** We must work in teh same place. ~Laura

  6. Jade says:

    Ugh. I hate offices and I love goats in trees!
    *** Me too. ~Laura

  7. Nevaeh says:

    Are you very suuuuure it was an actual hot dog? Are you very suuuure it wasn’t one of the B=O=B’s trying to get rid of EVIDENCE! possibly a human body part, belonging to a cheating hubby, meticulously hidden in the micro, knowing it would eventually disintegrate into nothingness…. rendering it useless for CSI evidence… God I should write mystery stories.. HA! ewww!
    *** I would read them if they contain stories of microwaved body parts. ~Laura

  8. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You mean women aren’t all sugar and spice and everything nice?
    *** HA! Hell no! ~Laura

  9. it’s just like losing a sock in the washing machine. You wonder. You’re puzzled. You begin to look for it….and then Zombieland comes on tv. AGAIN.
    Next thing you know? what sock/hot dog?
    I was looking for something?
    Meh….
    *** HA! You’re probably right, it’s just ..ZOMBIELAND!… ~Laura

  10. Rosie Posie says:

    The tree goat is great.. I wish I could climb a tree like that… and I love the white goat at the bottom of the tree. I wish I had a white goat. Hell, I wish I had a tree, I live in the city….
    *** I like how the brown goat is looking down like “Bitch, get your own tree.” ~Laura

  11. hoodyhoo says:

    I love the tree goats, even though I have a fear of tree goats pooping on my head. And the Tale of the Rogue Weiner is making me very sad… for want of a paper plate, a hot dog was lost…
    *** Not only lost, but crushed. Like so many dreams.. ~Laura

  12. “Rogue wieners.” We’ve all worked with ‘em.
    *** HA! Indeed we have. ~Laura

  13. Jena says:

    That’s a cool pic!
    Women are nasty and dirty in bathrooms, but illegal aliens will give them the run for their money. They will smear shit on the walls. Truth.
    *** Ugh. Dats nasty. ~Laura

  14. laughingmom says:

    Yuck! That’s when you buy a thermos and heat your soup at home before work. Maybe you can find one with pictures of goats on it!
    *** OH MY GOD! Now I want a thermos with goats on it!!! ~Laura

  15. Yabu says:

    I loves me some sure-footed climbing anything, and the Juju Woman would change your mind about pot pies…she builds the best on the planet. Before the Juju Woman, I was a Rogue wiener…
    *** HA! I bet you were. I’m not so sure about that pot pie thing- unless it’s filled with bacon. ~Laura

  16. In Door County, WI, there is a restaurant with a sod roof. Goats live on the sod roof. I just thought you should know this.
    *** I want to go there. NOW. ~Laura

  17. Next step: set up the Spider in the microwave (making sure to disable the microwave first) with a street vendor hat and a sign that says, “Hot Dogs are NOT sold here!!”
    Buncha fuckers…
    *** YEAH! fuckers. ~Laura

  18. Larry says:

    Goats in trees OK, goats on cars not so much.
    *** Goats on crack would be pretty bad too. ~Laura

  19. You just need to post a passive agressive note in your work kitchen. We have one that says “Molly Maid Does Not Work Here” lol. I didn’t post it, but I like the sentiment. Cute pic too.
    *** I’ll leave a note alright… That goat stayed in that tree the whole time we were there. I think he thought we would steal his spot. ~Laura

  20. Erik says:

    We have 3 microwaves at work, counting the “secret” one that isn’t in the breakroom. I always have to stand in front of the microwave that is heating my food, like a cop directng people around an accident site(“Nothing to see here, move along!”).
    I disagree about the grossness factor with bathrooms. I hate when people DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS after going! UGH!!!! I don’t care what you just did, ya need to wash your GD hands! I saw one guy do it, now if tries to touch me, I swear I may call him “Pee Hands…”
    And kinda surprised, in my own JR High mentality, that no one has yet joked about a “missing weiner”.
    *** HA! left the whole wiener thing wide open for people too! And EWWW people not washing their hands gross me out too. Nasty. ~Laura

  21. PermaTourist says:

    Next time you run across something like that, put a bag of microwave popcorn in the micro. Set cook time to about fifteen minutes or so. Walk away.
    *** HAHA! I’ve thought about it! ~Laura

  22. Barry says:

    Maybe they were recreating a scene from Mad Max beyond Thunder Dome….”Two rogue wieners enter, one wiener leaves……” some people use the break room like it’s fucking Romper Room!! It was probably all exploded and shit. And what gets my goat (no pun intended) is when you work around a “small” bunch of fuckers and they still do that shit. I worked in a small business (10 total employees) and this stuff still happened. I mean hell, you can probably look at their desk and figure out who’s wiener it is. One of them probably have wiener on their breath too. Maybe if you voodoo that wiener the owner will feel the pain. I do clean up after myself and never ever leave my wiener unattended. Nasty bitches.
    *** HAHA! Nasty bitches.. They all have wiener breath- I’ll never find the rightful owner without voodoo! HA! ~Laura

  23. Hmmm, we have the same shitty-weak, large-strong microwave system in our breakroom.
    This is obviously an efficiency model marketed to businesses across the country at some seminar a decade or so back–could be older as it isn’t mentioned in the employee handbook which is way older.
    Guy’s probably still making money on those seminars. Fuck–wish I’d thought of it.
    *** Ha! Me too. Sonsabitch. ~Laura

  24. Brea says:

    Rogue weiner? Maybe it’s just a poor abandoned weiner. I mean, you do work with a Bunch O’Bitches…
    Maybe the breakroom needs a “Wanted” poster to catch the culprit that just left the poor defenseless meat by-product all alone in that awful torture chamber.
    Or maybe a milk carton with the picture of the “Lost and Abandoned Weiner Baby” on it…
    We need crime-scene photos and police tape and a chalk outline to be sure.
    *** Ha! I really should have taken a pic! ~Laura

  25. Curtal Friar says:

    If only there were a way to figure who left the wiener in the microwave.
    Lots of creative things that could be done with a nuked wiener in someone’s cubicle, or desk.
    *** I know! But like I said before.. they all have wiener breath. ~Laura

  26. VEG says:

    People suck. And are pigs. Personally, I believe that Pigpen himself lives in our break room due to the ever-present cloud of slime and disgusting vapours in there. THIS is why I wish to fulfill my life long dream of becoming a hermit.
    *** Oh, I’d love to just stay home. Not even have to work. Ahh to dream… ~Laura

  27. zonker says:

    TV commercial: “It’s 10:59. Do you know where *your* wiener is?”
    (And yes. Yes, I do.)
    *** God, I hoped it wasn’t smashed in a microwave! ~Laura

  28. Stacy says:

    Our beakroom at work constantly reeks of rotten food left for months in teh fridge!
    *** Ours too. ~Laura

  29. Jeffro says:

    Considering the state of the bathrooms, perhaps the rogue wiener is really a stunt double for something far more sinister, IYKWIMAITTYD!
    *** OH LAWD! Ha! ~Laura

  30. zonker says:

    It was caught in a zipper one sad, hurried morning but never a microwave. And never, ever again.
    *** HA! I mean- ouch! Did they have to call an ambulance for you like in ” Something About Mary?”~ Laura

  31. Lauren says:

    goats are cute… but I really do think restrooms are worse at work than break rooms. We used to have emergency restroom cleaning teams at work because evidently the hospitals allowed amoebic dysentery patients out way too early and of course they went directly to Linens N Things.
    *** HA! OH MY GOD! I just threw up in my mouth a little. ~Laura

  32. Liz says:

    I belive the rouge weiner was left just to fuck with you. Bunch-O-Bitches need to be reconked with. I say hide a weiner somewhere in each and everyone of their desks! Just wait till they start to stink (the weiners, not the bitches) and they can’t find them! HA!
    *** Ha! But that means I’ll have to smell it too! But ya know, it would smell better than some of the perfumes they wear. ~Laura

  33. zonker says:

    What the hell is wrong with you people?! It’s 2011…you can’t play “hide the wiener” in the workplace anymore!?!
    *** HAHA! Umm, no. ~Laura

  34. Woodrow P Dingus says:

    Next time you are around that microwave, check to see if there are any socks in there. I put a couple of pairs in my dryer over the weekend, and only got a couple of orphans when the dryer cycle completed. I’ve heard that dryers & microwaves are portals to another universe.
    *** Ha! I don’t think you’d want your sock back from that microwave. ~Laura

  35. CGHill says:

    Look at it from the point of view of the person who brought the wiener to work. How likely is it that (s)he is going to look up from the plate and go “Gee, I seem to be missing a wiener”?
    The rest rooms at some workplaces would be much more sanitary were they used by goats. (What does that tell you about the staff?)
    *** HA! Exactly. I walked through the goat barn when I was at that farm and it smelled far more pleasant than the bathrooms at work and the breakroom! ~Laura

  36. LeeAnn says:

    Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode. Now the trees are also full of goats.
    Also, it sounds like a case of deliberate wienerment.
    *** The toilets explode at work after Thanksgiving, well okay, they’re pretty consistently exploding. ~Laura

  37. Rob says:

    There is always splatterage in a community microwave. Annoying as hell … as if I want my lasagna to taste like their eggplant whatever.
    Worse than that to me is coming back to the microwave only to see someone has taken my food out but I don’t know who. It’s a mystery I can’t tolerate and I won’t eat.
    The goats probably would, though.
    *** A goat would eat it, but would first ram them to hell. I always cover my food with a paper towel to protect against spillage falling on it and I always guard it from those Bunch O”Bitches to keep them from taking my food ou so they can heat their wieners. ~Laura

  38. Rob says:

    Just for fun:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/crabapplelane/4872459275/lightbox/
    That yard around the corner from me has 5 or 6 of the silliest goats you ever saw. Should have seen that gumba trying to get his head back inside the fence. :)
    *** How adorable! The grass is always greener don’t ya know. See, I would have went and helped him because I could use some goat karma. ~Laura

  39. cricket says:

    Crap! Was it a zombie wiener? Did it move? Did the turn table manage to “behead” it? Wait.. don’t go back to check! It might make more zombie wieners! I just got the oddest idea for Fourth of July decorating. The spider bar b q’ing zombie weiners.
    *** HA! Wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron. . ~Laura

  40. lifeshighwy says:

    When wieners go rouge, the end times are near. But then there are always goats, so all can’t be lost.
    *** And a goat shall lead them… or some shit. ~Laura

  41. Nicole says:

    Our poor secretaries at work finally got saddled with cleaning the breakrooms once a week. They clean the fridge once a month and everything that isn’t ketchup or soda gets thrown out, container and all. Men aren’t any better about breakroom cleanliness either. I work with 95% men and the breakroom is nasty. It’s just that people are nasty when they think someone else will do it for them.
    *** Lazy sonsabitches. ~Laura

  42. Suzanne says:

    I am always concerned about the whereabouts of my rogue wieners. Wait. That did not come out right.
    BTW, scroll down and look to the “n” synonyms for rogue: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rogue
    *** Ha! A meanie weenie! ~Laura

  43. SB Smith says:

    It had to have happened shortly before you used the nuker or the stray weiner would have been unrecognizable !
    Ever hear someone say “I smell like a goat “….if they smell bad ?
    I think we need to make that comment illegal. Goats everywhere are insulted !
    *** I KNOW! People are wayyy stinkier. ~Laura

  44. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    Awesome New stuff laura. we expect this level of performance!

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