Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
As International Goat Week starts to wind down I know y’all are asking yourselves “What the fuck was that about and will we ever have to go through it again?” | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

International Goat Week

 


I think I’m going to die. Yeah, I know everyone will eventually die, but I’m talking soon. For my birthday I ate “normal” food, and by “normal” food I mean carbs. Then the next day a friend at work wanted to buy me a belated birthday lunch so I choose more “normal” food. I got another calzone the size of my head. That’s right, I never learn. When I got back from lunch I was feeling kind of woozy and had black spots in front of my eyes and I just sat at my desk working because I can do my job dizzy and blind. But this isn’t about that. A few hours later a friend called and invited me to lunch Friday, which is today, and I said I couldn’t make it because I was busy but in reality I told them no because I needed to get back off of carbs. Then I got an email from J and I opened it and it was a link to an article about a man who recently died from the Bubonic Plague in New Mexico. That’s right, the Black Death that wiped out most of Europe in olden times is back. It said they suspected he contracted the disease from the bites of fleas from squirrels. SQUIRRELS. And there are squirrels all over the place here! Shit. I bet I don’t make it through the summer so fuck it, I’m off of the low carb diet. I called my friend back and told her my calendar was clear and I could go to lunch. When the Dead Wagon goes through the streets of Columbia, they’re going to need a crane to lift my fat ass into it. And I’m okay with that.


 


38 Comments
 

38 Responses to As International Goat Week starts to wind down I know y’all are asking yourselves “What the fuck was that about and will we ever have to go through it again?”

  1. Kim says:

    Welcome back to the dark side!! It’s more fun here!
    *** And I brought Circus Peanuts! ~Laura

  2. Jennifer says:

    LOL! Thank you for making my Friday morning! And I want to start a petition requesting International Goat Week be turned into International Goat Month!!
    *** Ha! Then I def will be known as the Crazy Goat Lady. ~Laura

  3. garnet says:

    What the hell was J thinking about sending YOU that article? LOL And I for one will miss International Goat Week!
    *** Nazis like to laugh at hypochondriacs. Fact. ~Laura

  4. LeeAnn says:

    When they come for you, just tell them you’re going to walk. Then start singing “I feel happyyyy. I feel happyyyyy!”
    *** Ha! Or “I’m feeling better now.” ~Laura

  5. Princess says:

    When all is said and done, when your lying in that morgue, where ever it may be, you will be just as healthy as the person laying next to you…. So live it up, life is way to fucking Short… you are now on a Live-it instead of a Die-it…WOOHOOO.
    *** Woohoo! ~Laura

  6. laughingmom says:

    Just get yourself a flea collar and you’ll be fine. Enjoy the carbs – bubonic plague probably comes for the sickly skinny ones first!
    *** That’s what I figured! ~Laura

  7. hoodyhoo says:

    this is exactly the reason I eat whatever the fuck I want, up to and including my weight in Mexican food. Any of us could get hit by a bus any day, and if a bus hits ME, I wanna total that motherfucker.
    *** My worst fear is dying on an empty stomach. Well okay, one of ‘em.~Laura

  8. Jena says:

    The dark side has COOKIES!
    *** Mmmm…Oreos… ~Laura

  9. Jena says:

    Sean said “we can all be glad that he didn’t send you an article about Ebola”.
    *** Yikes! I know! ~Laura

  10. Yabu says:

    I sure as hell hope you don’t contract Ebola. Do you have crab-eating monkeys in your neighborhood? If so, you better be developing a new “science” to deal with it, or get some macaque killing goats. Viral hemorrhagic fever is some bad juju. I got into a jar the other night, and when I woke up the next morning, I thought I had it. False alarm, but I thought I was dying from the inside out. I had a calzone, and everything is cool. I do loves me some calzone.
    *** Calzones cure almost everything. So do goats. ~Laura

  11. Ruby Red says:

    If this is gonna be my last day on Earth, I want a full stomach .. with something I want it to be full with.
    *** Exactly. ~Laura

  12. Suzanne says:

    Goats, their history, and culture are so important that w should be celebrating e a goat month.
    *** HA! I think you’re right. ~Laura

  13. Curtal Friar says:

    Not to worry!
    The bubonic plague has actually been in America for many years now; strangely enough, it seems to center around Reno, Nevada. They have regular outbreaks of it in that area.
    No worries,though. There is a vaccine and it’s largely curable nowadays.
    Worst you’ll get is a doctor-ordered few days off work and perhaps some get-well-soon cards from your mates. Perhaps even some die-bitch cards from the members of the bunch o’bitches sorority that hate you and would love to see you die from the black death.
    No worries there, either. Simply scrape off some of the pus from the few sores you’ll get, bake some cookies, then drizzle the pus over the cookies, put them on a plate, and leave them in an area near the bunch o’bitches with a big note that reads “please don’t eat me, I belong to Laura”, and when the bitches gobble ‘em down thinking they’re denying you your dessert, they’ll get their just desserts. :D
    *** I would go into work and lick their keyboards and phones if all else failed. HA! ~Laura

  14. You are the only person I know that plans on dying of something BIG!!
    *** I really do! ~Laura

  15. Tim says:

    Awww squrrels. Natures speed bumps. Have a great weekend!!!!
    *** Aww..poor squirrelies. but they are serial killer assholes, so… You have a great weekend too! ~Laura

  16. MorningGlory says:

    I tried that low-carb diet for a couple hours once. It’s not for me. Anything that doesn’t include beer can’t be good for you.
    *** I know, right? BUT it did allow bacon. So there’s that. ~Laura

  17. PermaTourist says:

    They won’t need a crane, Laura. Jack and the cats will trim you down, first.
    *** That’s why there’s extra self-feeders all over the house. ~Laura

  18. Suzanne says:

    OMG!!! Another field trip for you: http://www.virginiawind.com/virginia_travel/westmoreland.asp
    *** OMG I want to go now! ~Laura

  19. Steph says:

    Why the HELL did J send you a link to an article about Bubonic plague?
    And why the HELL didn’t I get invited to eat a head-sized calzone?
    You may live far from me (I think) but I could slap on a diaper, grab a Big Gulp of Mt. Dew, and be there pronto for a head-sized calzone.
    And tequila.
    *** HA! You’d have to change the diaper first. That calzone was good too, girl. And J likes to be a Nazi and play his little games with my hypochondria. ~Laura

  20. Erik says:

    Haven’t commented for awhile – miss me? ;)
    You would be the person on “House” that dies and the whole team doesn’t know what killed you. They would be all looking you like “Its too bad that we couldn’t figure it out, we’re sorry” kinda look.
    I could have never stayed on a diet with those yummy calzones staring at me. My no carb diet failed on pizza, so I know the feeling.
    And I totally get the goat thing. If you got your own goat, your goat love would probably disappear, being replaced with “that damn goat”.
    *** HA! I don’t know now, I loves me some goats. And yes, I did miss you! I just figured you were taking a break from my cursing for awhile. Ha! Glad you’re back! ~Laura

  21. AmyLynn says:

    I woke up this morning and realized I could not see at all…I panicked because blindness surely means the onset of some horrible disease.
    Then I realized it was just a sock over my face.
    Close one though.
    that is all
    *** HAHA! WTF was a sock doing over your face? Were you robbing liquor stores in your sleep again? ~Laura

  22. Barry says:

    Nice way to end International Goat Week. With “Satan Goat”! That sonsabitch looks mean! Little horns coming out of his head. Don’t turn your back on him. He may change your view of goats all together. Have you tried massive amounts of coffee to see if that will push all those carbs on thru? WEEEEEEEE…. Now to J’s “Black Death” by squierrls. Little fucking furry squireels. Tree rats. That’s what some people call’em. A rat that lives in the trees. That’s all a squirrel is, nothing more. Nothing to be skeered of unless he bites you. Anything that can crack a nut with it’s teeth will have to hurt if it bites you. That’s all I know about squireels. Except they do taste good in dumplins’. So does wild rabbit. And you can only know that by growing up dirt road country poor. I just noticed today is Friday the 13th. Is that a coincidence?
    PS…This comment was edited with my old English book…..just sayin.
    PSS … Thank you for inspiring me to be as crazy as I want too. :-)
    *** HAHA! “growing up dirt road country poor” I love it! Dude, if you can’t be crazy here, where can you be crazy? I mean and not get locked up. ~Laura

  23. Brea says:

    Laura,
    J is a cruel, freedom-hating, torture-loving Nazi with a bad case of “Clooney Envy”! To do this to you right after your birthday? Already a sign of mortality, them sonsabitch birthdays, they don’t need the encouragement of the internetz-disease-of-the-week posts!
    Oh, and if laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life, I am now going to live till the year 2300, and die at the age of 330 years old. The comments and commenters are just as much fun as the post itself.
    Thanks!
    *** I LOVE the comment section! And yes, J is evil. He’s also very sweet (Don’t tell him I said so.)~Laura

  24. cricket says:

    You can have your Calzone and bacon too. It’s called the balance method. For every carb you eat you balance it with a protein. For example: Bacon wrapped filet mignon with a baked potato and cheese.
    I’m suffering from a bad case of life. It’s going to kill me someday.
    Didn’t have to play Monty there. It’s stuck in my head.
    “I’m not dead yet. I’m happy, so happy!”
    THUMP
    Thank you very much. See you on Thursday.
    *** Ha! I seriously feel better doing the low-carb thing. I’ll just eat a few more taters and such every once in awhile. ~Laura

  25. You may need a consult with The Wizard Tim.

  26. So squirrels ARE assholes and serial killers!
    *** Absolutely. They’re ruthless. ~Laura

  27. Oh great. First Blogger crashes and now the bubonic plague? What kind of fuckery is this? I am going back to bed. Again.
    *** Me too! ~Laura

  28. Larry says:

    A sock on your…. O_O
    Never mind. I don’t want to know.
    Life is too short to die miserable.
    *** Who’s miserable? ~Laura

  29. Elphaba says:

    Um, Laura, great news! Since it isn’t the Middle Ages, we have antibiotics to treat stuff like bubonic plague. Maybe the squirrelly dude in New Mexico hated doctors, or something, but a hypochondriac–I mean–concerned person like yourself would get right on it. I’m quite certain you’ll live.
    I was wondering. Are you still running? I went for a run (er, run, walk, pant, run, walk, jog, pant, etc.) a week ago. Not sure if I want to do it again. I need a role model, and if you’re going to fall off the wagon, we’re all lost. ;)
    *** Girl, I had foot rabies for about a month and getting back to it just recently. I walked a lot though through the rabies because if I stop moving I get all stiff and lazy. Well, lazier. ~Laura

  30. mel says:

    I am so relieved to see you’ve come to your senses. Well… somewhat.
    *** I wouldn’t be half as fun if I gained ‘em all back. ~Laura

  31. Terri says:

    Because it is still goat week: Randall is disturbed by some goats:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Deq0U8OkwDQ&feature=relmfu
    *** HA! They disturb me too! I feel sorry for them. ~Laura

  32. You WANT to go on the cart? Don’t you feel happy? You could go for a walk.
    Sorry, I can’t help myself with this sort of thing. I’ll go take some more pills.
    *** Ha! I love the Monty Python. ~Laura

  33. Nicole says:

    Any diet that allows zero circus peanuts ever is far too strict to be healthy for you.
    *** I know! I should have known. ~Laura

  34. Nancy in Iowa says:

    I wish you’d stop talking about Calzones. Now there’s a giant one hovering over my head. Wait, my cat is starting to look like a Calzone! Oh, no! Oh, well, I can live with the images you put in my mind as long as you don’t give me the Bubonic Plague. Long live goats!
    *** HA! Long live goats! AND RUN KITTY!!! ~Laura

  35. Jan says:

    Another vote here for goat month. If we can keep that going long enough, 19 February 2015 through 7 February 2016 is the Chinese year of the goat! Won’t that be fun?
    *** Ha! I bet we can too. ~Laura

  36. Elphaba says:

    Oh, Laura, I have recently discovered that gin and tequila will vaccinate you from foot rabies. Or, at least, you won’t care anymore. One or the other. I forget.
    *** I was self medicating with just those things! ~Laura

  37. Teresa says:

    Sadly I won’t die of something big. I’m gonna be taken out by a car as I get my mail. Pretty pedestrian of me I know. Of course you would never be caught out by something so mundane. Lol.
    *** Truth be told I’ll probably die of something bursting in my brain at my desk and found by the janitor a week later. ~Laura

  38. AlisonsDiary says:

    Bugger the high protein low carb thing apparently gorging on carbs it the way to a supermodels bod.
    I am on it.I thought it was the latest thing stateside. So they say Still low slung where I’d rather not be but hey ho – persevering.
    *** Oh I could gorge on some carbs now. ~Laura

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>