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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Today’s my birthday. So far no one has even really mentioned my birthday and by no one I mean J. Starbucks sent me a coupon for a free drink. That’s it. Last week I said “Next Wednesday is my birthday” and J said “I know.” That’s been it. Maybe I called him a “freedom hating Nazi” too many times. I don’t know.

My blog has been breaking lately too, and by breaking I mean at times the comments are broken and people have been unable to comment. I blog specifically for comments because I’m an attention whore and the comments breaking pisses me off. Maybe it breaks because I call my blog’s host “assholes” all the time. I don’t know.

Work has sucked more than usual. I didn’t believe it ever could, but it does. I wake up every morning cussing my alarm clock and hating that I have to work for a living. Maybe it would be more bearable if I gave my co-workers the benefit of the doubt and stopped calling them a “Bunch O’Bitches.” I don’t know.

Maybe since I’m getting older, more mature, I should learn to calm down and stop getting all pissy and mouthy and cussing everyone who irritates me. Maybe I should learn to be more patient and understanding of other people and their feelings. Perhaps I should try to see things from other people’s viewpoints and understand that their thoughts and feelings and opinions are just as valid as my own. I don’t know.

But wait, I DO KNOW. I’m fucking awesome just the way I am and fuck all the freedom hating Nazi-asshole-Bunch O’ Bitches motherfuckers that piss me off. I’m voodooing all their asses and I will continue to voodoo all their asses until attitudes improve. Theirs, not mine. I’ll voodoo their asses into oblivion if I have to.

Oh wait. J just texted me about taking me out to dinner and giving me my birthday present. Nevermind.


Now here’s another picture I took as International Goat Week continues, because International Goat Week waits for no one’s birthday, no matter how awesome they are:

International Goat Week


77 Responses to HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

  1. Larry says:

    Happy Birthday To YOU!!!!!
    and working is a hell of a way to have to make a living.
    *** I know! And thank you. ~Laura

  2. rdennis says:

    Well happy Birthday, you insolent, snarky, attention whore! And here I quit commenting cuz’ I figured you got tired of having to answer all these inane remarks from all us idiots who send them!
    *** Ha! I never get tired of attention! ~Laura

  3. THE Mr. Bill says:

    Well Happy Birthday to you!!! Hope you have a awesome day full of cake, bacon, gin, goats, gifts, and everything else you’d like or want!
    ps never let the Bunch O’Bitches or Freedom Hating Nazis get to ya – you’re awesome just the way you are!
    *** Thank you! ~ Laura

  4. One Crazed Chick says:

    Well happy birthday to my most favorite attention whore! I’d sing it but but then I might be included in those Bunch O’bitches that treat you so badly!! Since it’s your birthday, take some time off.
    We’ll do lunch in honor of your birthday and goat week!!
    *** Ha! Yes, we must celebrate Goat Week! ~ Laura

  5. Yabu says:

    Happy Birthday, and may the fleas of 1000 camels NOT nest in your ear.
    *** Thanks! ~Laura

  6. Joanne says:

    You are fucking awesome the way you are!Happy Birthday!
    *** Thank you! ~ Laura

  7. hyzymom says:

    Happy Birthday! How awesome that your birthday is during International Goat Week! Two things to celebrate…Lucky!
    *** I know! Woohoo! And thank you. ~ Laura

  8. Happy Birthday, bitch. I mean that in a good way.
    This is my first time here and I love your banner and buttons. (I bet you get that a lot, heh heh heh) Also, so nice to find someone who cusses more than I do. Thanks for making me feel more fucking normal.
    *** Ha! You’re welcome and thank you! ~ Laura

  9. Kim says:

    Happyfuckingbirthday to you. Happyfucking birthday to youuuuuu. Happyfucking biiirthday dear GeorgeClooneysfuturewife. Happyfuckingbirthday to you!
    *** Ha! Thank you!~Laura

  10. lizzybeth says:

    Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Biiirthdaaay deeeaaar Laaaaaauuuurrraaaa! Happy Birthdaaaaaaaaaayyy tooooooooo yooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuu!!!! (“sung” in an exotic accent of your choice)
    *** I heard it in a British accent. Thank you. ~Laura

  11. Happy Birthday!
    Wait. You were BORN and not hatched?
    *** I don’t remember! Thank you! ~ Laura

  12. Mr. Bingley says:

    It’s not your birthday; it’s not even a minor semi-holiday.
    I know this because I DON’T SEE NO SPIDER.
    *** Haha! I should have decorated him!! ~Laura

  13. Happy birthday girlie!!!
    Don’t ever change.
    Or else.
    That was not at all a threat.
    Well…. kinda.
    You’re like a good bottle of wine. You get better with age and I need you first thing in the morning to face my day. Your writing of course.
    Gotta get more wine in me before work…
    Have a great day!
    *** HA! Drink one for me! And thank you! ~Laura

  14. hoodyhoo says:

    Haaaapy, happy happy biiiiirthday, haaaapy, happy happy biiiirthday, haaapy, happy happy biiiirthday to you to you to you! Ole!
    That’s how they used to sing it at our very tasty but don’t look in the kitchen Mexican restaurant before the freedom-hating Nazi Bunch o’ Bitches shut them down. Or maybe it was the Health Department. Anyhoo, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
    *** HAHA! Thank you! I wish we had a tasty Mexican restaurant here. ~Laura

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    Here’s a special Goat for you
    You can thank me later.
    *** HAHA! I can’t un-see it now! Thanks a lot! ~Laura

  16. Holly says:

    Happy birthday.
    If I had a farm I’d send you a goat,
    for all of the awesome stories you wrote,
    If I was famous, I’d send you Clooney,
    but the best I can manage is a drawing of Rooney.
    I could ship you a spider,
    for your artistic scenes,
    but whenever I see one,
    all I do is scream.
    But have a happy birthday,
    you attention whore you,
    know that we appreciate all that you do.
    *** HA! A birthday poem!! That’s fantastic! Thank you.
    * Holly- I have been unable to comment on your blog- even after I sign-in to Google or Word Press. I guess they hate me too. Just wanted you to know- I didn’t see a “name and url” option on comment sign-in. ~Laura

  17. I submitted a witty comment and came to check your response and it isn’t here so either your blog host has more issues, you don’t like me, or there’s some sort of vast left/right wing government conspiracy against me.
    What was the witty comment, you may wonder.
    In a nutshell, Happy Birthday!!
    *** I was having issues earlier with the power- because we had a storm here (uggh) but I got it and thak you! ~Laura

  18. One of the Bitches says:

    I made you a BACON cake….. you can have it tomorrow since you’re not in the office TODAY… but have a great day. Hope you get your electric back on soon. What a B-day! Have you heard from George yet?
    *** Just got my power- right after my iPhone died- so I imagine he called while my battery was dead. DAMMIT! Yes, save me some bacon cake! ~Laura

  19. Sigh. Co-workers can make or break a job. If they’re awesome they can make an otherwise suckey job actually be fun. And if they’re NOT awesome, they can make an otherwise enjoyable job suck times 1 million. I’m not sure if what I wrote makes sense; I haven’t had any coffee yet.
    Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! May it be fueled by free birthday treats (eg: free starbucks, cake at work and/or home, post-work alcohol goodness, etc.)
    Also, thank you for bringing attention to International Goat Week. I’m not sure why, but it’s bringing a smile to my face.
    *** Totally agree on the co-worker thing. Best thing is to ignore them, but it’s impossible sometimes, but whatevah, they can suck it! And thank you! ~Laura

  20. Jena says:

    Sean said Happy birthday! I said it too!
    *** Thank you both! ~Laura

  21. And now, you are a year better ;)
    Happy Birthday to the most wonderful atttention hoor evah!!
    *** Thank you, Miss Aggie! ~Laura

  22. Jennifer says:

    Happy Birthday! And thank you for blogging!
    *** Thank you for reading and commenting! ~Laura

  23. Jena says:

    Your gift from me will probably get there tomorrow. We expect details of the gifts and dinner!
    *** YAY! Thank you so much! If I’m not too hung over from the carbs, I’ll write. Ha! ~Laura

  24. Patti Ford says:

    I only know birthday’s of those people who Facebook tells me about. No message from facebook, no clue. But since you so casually slipped it in here….HAPPY FREAKIN’ BIRTHDAY! If you lived closer we would go on a mission to steal one of the adorable baby goats in a field I drive by every day, just as long as you helped me take the mini burro. I’ve been trying to find a big adventure on which to use my night vision goggles and this could be it.
    *** HAHA! I WOULD so go with you too! They don’t hang people for donkey stealin’ do they? No matter, I’ll risk it for mini burros and baby goats. We taking turns wearing the goggles, right? ~Laura

  25. it showed up! ignore my second comment.
    and now my third…
    ** HA! Too late! And I’m too lazy to delete. ~Laura

  26. PRINCESS says:

    Happy Happy B-Day… Thank you for always being here.. I could not live or go thru a day with out you. you set me up every morning… I wish for you a wondrous day!
    *** Glad to help (but you really need to get out more!) Ha! And thank you. ~Laura

  27. garnet says:

    Happy Birthday!
    *** Thanks! ~Laura

  28. Anji m says:

    Happy birthday! In honor of your goat loving birthday self, I declare today a federal holiday and WE ALL GET THE FUCKING DAY OFF! Oh wait, they don’t pay me unless I show up, and I’m here already, so…fuck, I guess I better stay. Damn. Well, happy birthday anyways :)
    *** Ha! Thank you! I have the day off! But I do agree- it should be federal holiday! Hell, it should be an international holiday!! ~Laura

  29. Timothy J McCorkle says:

    Gee Dear your Only 25 once! enjoy it…
    as for work sucking… I got My Last Paycheck from that hell hole I used to work at today! Yippeee!
    *** It is so cool to finally be 25. Okay, even Jack laughed at that one! I won’t be happy until I’m a goat farmer I believe. ~Laura

  30. Patti Ford says:

    I would gift you with your own goggles for your birthday! None of my local friends will do ANYTHING adventurous with me. It’s always, “No Patti! You can’t do that! Get off of that! WHat if someone’s home? Get out of their yard! I don’t know you! I’m walking away now.” Big. Fat. Bores.
    *** Oh my God, you seriously need new friends. At least ones that will be “lookouts.” ~Laura

  31. Tim says:

    Happy Birthday!!!! May your day be blessed with gin and bacon! Best blog on the net!!!.. just sayin..
    *** Awww, thank you! ~ Laura

  32. Heather says:

    Happy Birthday, Laura!
    *** Thank you! ~Laura

  33. Jena says:

    You really make our day. We know you are just human and have a life outside of the blog… but we don’t care! We just want to read your blog first thing in the morning and ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. We hate when you are in a bad mood cos it deprives us of Laura!
    You are that kind of crazy special. Seriously! Sean has that kind of following where ever he is at, I don’t. Ha!
    Just wanted you to know how much you mean to us all Monkey Junkies.
    *** Awww, that is very sweet. Yeah, I won’t blog if I’m too pissy, usually I’m too busy plotting revenge or stabbing voodoo dolls to blog anyway. Thanks for being a loyal reader and commenter! ~Laura

  34. cricket says:

    Happy Birthday! I’d send you a shirt that says “I Can’t Hear You Over the Sound of My Own Awesomeness” to wear to work but I don’t think the Bunch ‘O Bitches could take such a truth. I imagine frothing of mouths and wee little heads imploding.
    *** I imagine their heads “exploding” daily. Ha! And thank you! ~laura

  35. Dannie says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY…..thanks for being the catalyst to making me laugh…
    Also since I tend to be an attention seeking person every so often as well, I’ll just put in a plug and say heck yeah for you having a birthday in May. My b-day is later on this month so I think May birthday people are ‘da bomb’ more than others! Ha!
    *** May people ROCK. The awesome level is off the scale. Example: George Clooney. Case closed. And thank you. ~Laura

  36. MorningGlory says:

    Happy Birthday Ms. Goat-Lover Attention Hoor. Now that you’re 25, it’s time to start living it up!
    *** I know, it’s like I’m finally old enough to rent a car! HA! Now Thelma is laughingly mocking me. ~Laura

  37. laughingmom says:

    Laura, Happy Birthday… Although I must admit I am a bit disappointed in your post today. I quote “getting older, more mature.” Have you lost your freakin’ mind? These things do not go hand in hand, my dear, and I am proof positive of that. I thought you, of all bloggers, would be one to not grow up with me! Now I sit silently shedding large crocodile tears onto my keyboard. My day has been ruined and here I was all ready to have a breakfast of gin and bacon to celebrate your big day. I think I’ll just go back to bed.
    *** HA! Yeah, but I gave up on that mature bullshit at the end! Believe me I get this all the time “What are you, 12?” So I think I’m pretty far from mature. So go get some gin and bacon and live it up like a 12 year old. I mean, not that I condone underage drinking, you understand. ~Laura

  38. WPDunn71901 says:

    From the Baby Goat Liberation Army, we send best wishes and slobbery kisses on your special day.
    *** HAHA! Hoo-rah! Thank you! ~Laura

  39. Elphaba says:

    Happy Birthday to you,
    You’re awesome, it’s true,
    May you get lots of ca-ake
    And your wishes come true.
    I hope your day is filled with baby goats and lots of the love and adoration that you clearly crave. ;) Oh. And don’t change. We like you the way you are.
    *** YAY! I loves me some birthday poetry! Thank you! ~Laura

  40. Maybe you should surround your office with pictures of goats and it would make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Or you could just drink yourself into a stuper every night, it seems to help me control the unnatural twitch I have aquired due to raising a teenager.
    *** HA! I like your remedies! ~Laura

  41. AmyLynn says:

    Happy Birthday to my most fav Attention WHoRe!!
    If I could I would hide baby goats all over your office for you to run around trying to find them all before the buzzer goes off…
    Great game right? I KNOW
    For your birthday dinner you should have a giant bacon sandwich…and then for dessert a cake made from Circus Peanuts
    Followed by a dance off with your pets (can the bird dance? because a dancing bird would be less scary for me)
    that is all
    *** Yes the bird dances! He frequently wins the dance-offs we have around here. I’m going to have a bacon sandwich and a gin and tonic! I’m not sure about the Circus Peanuts. And thank you. ~Laura

  42. Curtal Friar says:

    Now that that’s out of the way, what International Goat Week celebration would be complete without at least one mention of:
    The Black Goat Of The Woods With A Thousand Young!!
    Kudos to ya if you know the name of the old black goat.
    *** Shub-Niggurath! Do I win something?? Ha! And thank you. ~Laura

  43. Happiest of Days! Don’t let the bitches get you down.
    *** Nevah! And thank you. ~ Laura

  44. Barry says:

    Wow. You scared me there for a second. Coming down on yourself so hard and everything. Glad you came to your senses. I thought I was having a rough time. Life has been treating me well but the people in it haven’t been treating me worth a damn!
    Happy Birthday!!
    *** Always remember you’re awesome. Also, always use voodoo on the fuckers. Ha! ~Laura

  45. Holly says:

    You must-have seriously p’o'd the comment gods! Leeann had the same problem, but I don’t remember how she solved it…maybe it’s time I moved to WordPress…
    *** Eventually, I piss off everyone. ~Laura

  46. Brea says:

    And in honor of the holiday, I present you with….
    Darren the Dancing Goat!
    *** HA! How adorable is he? Thak you! ~laura

  47. Curtal Friar says:

    *** Shub-Niggurath! Do I win something?? Ha! And thank you. ~Laura
    Yes, you win kudos!
    So, kudos to ya! :D
    Oh, wait…you didn’t look it up on the Internet, did ya? If ya did, then I have to take the kudos back. :(
    *** Umm…no..no..I didn’t google at all. ~Laura

  48. I haven’t had enough coffee to be funny. You wanna fish for birthday comments you need to wait until later in the day. So…happy birthday.
    *** I thought I’d catch the early risers before their day makes them cranky. ~Laura

  49. Happy Birthday! What will J get you as a gift? Maybe a goat?
    *** Thank you! And I don’t think it will be a goat. I gotta move out of the city first. ~Laura

  50. Mindy says:

    Happy birthday. You’re a Taurus? I knew there was a reason I liked you.
    *** Thank you! I sure am a Taurus, couldn’t you tell? ~Laura

  51. Underground Carpenter says:

    Hi Laura,
    Happy Birthday! Please bask in the glow of my praise. You rock!
    *** THANK YOU, I am basking! ~Laura

  52. Liz says:

    Happy Birthday to you
    And your baby goat friends too
    Happy Birthday again
    Hope George becomes your man
    Happy Birthday Laura
    Hope J doesn’t buy you a fedora
    Man, my poetry sucks!!
    Happy Birthday anyway!! Hope you day rocks!
    *** HAHA! I loves me some birthday poetry. Thank you! ~Laura

  53. Jan says:

    Just piling on the awesome this week aren’t you? First International Goat Week, now this!
    Happy Birthday! Just remember, they can make you grow old, but they can’t make you grow up!
    *** HA You’re so right! ~Laura

  54. VEG says:

    Happy Birthday! I was thinking of you last night when I saw a shopping bag with frolicking baby goats on it. I almost took a picture of it, but the bitch holding it looked like she was about to cut someone.
    *** Hey! That was me! Ha! Seriously, now I have to go look for a baby goat shopping bag. And thank you! ~Laura

  55. Vegas Sea Goat says:

    Of course you HAD to be a Taurus. RIGHT!!!!? Because admiring your wit wasn’t enough that now the STARS have to mock me! Oh yeah, Happy Birthday. -from a semi-old goat.
    *** Old goats ROCK, so there! Thank you. ~Laura

  56. cheryl says:

    Happy Birthday to someone who always cheers me up – even, maybe especially, when you’re bitchin’ bout something. Cheers!
    *** I’m always bitching ’bout something, girl. Cheers! ~laura

  57. patti says:

    Happy happy birthday – baby pygmy goats, baby otters, and much bacon wishes coming your way.
    *** Thank you! ~Laura

  58. Rob says:

    Happy Birthday, Girl.
    Have a day.
    *** Thank you! ~Laura

  59. Rose Red says:

    Happy Birthday from your number one
    MONKEY JUNKIE…….. hope your havin a superrrrrr day! How’s it feel to be legal?
    *** Who said I was legal? Ha! Thank you! ~Laura

  60. Purty says:

    Hey! Stupid Drunk Woman Trying to Leave the Ocean has been removed…was that you last nite? I didn’t get to see it….oh well Happy Birthday Anyways…. Jeezzzzzz.
    *** Girl, you know I don’t do beaches. Youtube is always removing videos. Sonsabitches. ~Laura

  61. diane dodd says:

    happy birthday to the funniest attention whore i know! i’ve always wanted a fainting goat for my birthday. just sayin.
    *** Thank you! You know, I always feel sorry for the fainters, goats that is, I don’t much care if a person faints. But how much fun would that be? Clap your hands and have people fall out in large groups! I’d like that. ~Laura

  62. AlisonsDiary says:

    Happy birthday! I saw George today – the man who stares at goats – as you know he was 50 last week. He was on his way over to see you with the usual flowers & booze and I said – woah back there boy, leave her alone, she is reflecting and also staring at goats. OK he said looking rather upset. Hey George don’t fret I said selflessly, come here I will give you a naked 12 hour hug. So anyway, I saved you having to whip it up for him. You may thank me.
    *** HA! I keel you! ~Laura

  63. Michelle says:

    *** Thank you! ~Laura

  64. Kristy says:

    Comment just to stroke your attention whore ego. :)
    *** YEAH! That’s what I’m talkin’ bout! Thank you! ~laura

  65. CGHill says:

    “Perhaps I should try to see things from other people’s viewpoints and understand that their thoughts and feelings and opinions are just as valid as my own.”
    Dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. If those other people have opinions, they can put up their own goddamn blogs. And I’ll bet Laura knows just the place they can put ‘em, too.
    *** HA! You’re right! Oh so right. ~Laura

  66. zonker says:

    Hope you have an awesome birthweek.
    *** I shall celebrate it as a birth week indeed! Thank you. ~Laura

  67. Nicole says:

    Happy birthday! How such a momentous world event managed to escape my attention is a disgrace.
    *** It’s because of all the hoopla over International Goat Week, I’ve been overshadowed. ~Laura

  68. Ruby Red says:

    I wish you happiness and bright sunny days,
    I wish you baby goats and bacon and eggs,
    I wish your bitches all to be gone,
    and a Birthday so bright and it lasts real long,
    I have only one question this bright day in May, If you ever get George……. can I have “J”?
    Happy Birthday! from yet another Monkey Junkie. I am serious about “J” though.HA!
    *** HAHA! What a great poem! Thank you and I will have to ask him. ~Laura

  69. kim says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! thank you for your funny posts and links all the year round and for being my secret intj sistah from another mistah. hope j does you justice and that you have a good bday, and i hope that all the bitches at your work get diarrhea
    **** NOOOO the bathrooms are stinky enough! Ha! Thank you. ~Laura

  70. Purty says:

    Hey! Aunt vs Spider is gone from you tube also.. I didn’t get to see it….waaawaaa.. what the hell, I am just to slow I guess….I need more computer time… hope your still having a great birthday…. bummed
    *** Apparently you gotta catch ‘em fast. You can thank Youtube. ~Laura

  71. Happy Birthday,Laura. Here’s a present for you awesome blog.
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    If it’s not Mother Fucking Science you can poke with a stick,
    It must be the flu…or leprosy…or toe cancer,
    Happy Birthday to you.
    *** HAHA! That brought a tear to my eye. Thank you. ~Laura

  72. DogsDontPurr says:

    Happy Happy B~day!! I didn’t have any bacon or gin, so I celebrated with some pan fried salami and Jack Daniels. Hope that counts!
    *** Yes, it counts! Cheers! ~Laura

  73. SB Smith says:

    CRAP !
    I’m so sorry I missed it !
    I hope you got to do at least Some of what you wanted to do. Was kidnapping George C. part of it ?
    Wishing You a Belated Happy Birthday !
    Fellow Taurus here. Nobody’s more stubborn than we are ! I think Aries comes close, but not quite. :-D
    Hey !…that’s a Positive Trait !
    *** It sure is! And thanks. ~Laura

  74. Mrs. Who says:

    Happy belated birthday! And on my last birthday, the only person I got a card from was a used car dealer I bought my Suburban from back in ’04. Yeah, I got drunk that night.
    *** Damn! We should start a B’Day Card Club where when it’s someone’s B’Day from the club- everyone sends them a card telling them how awesome they are. ~Laura

  75. Jenny says:

    Darn-it! I’m so behind on life…I missed your BDay! Hope you had a riot …but hope you didn’t wake up the next morning in a cornfield, lying next to a dead cow, with your underwear on your head and a tattoo on your boob that says ‘Brutus’…cause that would have sucked! And what the HELL is the deal with International Goat week!?
    *** What I want to know is- Did that happen to you? Because if it did, we may be living parallel lives. And I proclaimed it International Goat Week because last weekend I went to a goat farm and have literally thousands of photos. ~Laura

  76. mel says:

    Sorry i missed it. I couldn’t comment here. Hope it was fun!
    *** Damn my host! It was indeed fun though. ~Laura

  77. Jena says:

    “We should start a B’Day Card Club where when it’s someone’s B’Day from the club- everyone sends them a card telling them how awesome they are. ~Laura”
    That would be cool. get someone to keep track of all of it and I would be happy to send an awesome card in the mail.
    *** We would have to nominate someone- I am worthless for remembering dates! ~Laura

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