Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

The weekend is almost here which means there will be more dead hookers to bury and I haven’t even buried the ones from last week. It’s like I’ve become a dead hooker hoarder.

By Laura On April 8, 2011 · 38 Comments

You may have noticed that I added a new category called “Fuck You, Satan” because not only does my blog need more archives and categories because just having the whole right column filled isn’t enough, but I’ve decided to blame Satan for everything bad that happens instead of the French and of course I am going to start documenting all the things Satan is doing to piss me off. Well, I will for a period of time I guess, until I get bored with it that is. And don’t y’all be calling me a racist because I used to blame the French for shit because years ago I used to date a Frenchman. Sure did. And he only spoke a few words of English. That’s right. And why did I date him you ask, when we obviously couldn’t converse? Because he looked like this:

I can’t remember his name. I think I called him Frenchie. I used to take him around to show him off to all my friends and be all “Look at my boyfriend, bitches” and they’d be all “Jesus, is he desperate for a green card or what?” and I was all “Probably” and then Frenchie would say “Blah, blah, blah, blah” in his fancy Pepe Le Pew French talk and I’d say “Shut up, Frenchie, with your weird foreign words and just look pretty” and he’d look at me like this:

And I’d say “Yeah, like that.”

38 Comments

38 Responses to The weekend is almost here which means there will be more dead hookers to bury and I haven’t even buried the ones from last week. It’s like I’ve become a dead hooker hoarder.

Larry says:

April 8, 2011 at 3:22 am

Kind of reminds me of some of my relationships, everything goes great until they speak.
Wait, what?
*** HA! I know right? Wait..what? ~Laura

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Princess says:

April 8, 2011 at 4:40 am

Did he end up in your trunk? Cuz, I’ll come get him… No really.. Dead or alive, I’ll come get him… OMG!
*** HA! Girrrllll, that man was the finest piece of eye candy. And I did take him EVERYWHERE to meet EVERYONE. Ha! But alas, our love wasn’t meant to be. ~Laura

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Jennifer says:

April 8, 2011 at 5:00 am

LMAOOOOOOOO! Hilarious! Poor Frenchie!! OMG “Frenchie” !!! LMAOOOOO!!!!
*** He was a fine looking man. ~Laura

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Joe the Blog Stalker says:

April 8, 2011 at 5:02 am

I bet Satan is French.
*** OH MY GOD. You may be right! ~Laura

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garnet says:

April 8, 2011 at 5:04 am

LOL! I just love you to pieces! thanks for my morning laugh- AGAIN!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura

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Heather says:

April 8, 2011 at 5:13 am

You’d think I’d learn not to be taking a drink when I read your blog! Seriously, hysterical.
*** My blog is best read whilst drinking. ~Laura

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Rosie Rose says:

April 8, 2011 at 6:03 am

Does this mean there will be a “Fuck U Satan” list on Fridays? or possibly Mondays to start our week of right? That would be good!
*** You know I can’t be consistent, so who knows. SATAN maybe? I don’t know. ~Laura

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hoodyhoo says:

April 8, 2011 at 6:30 am

Damn, that’s the best relationship in the world — pretty to look at, can’t fucking natter at you all day, and no matter what you say, he has to agree or BE DEPORTED! Send Frenchie ovah heah, yo!
*** Alas, I haven’t seen poor Frenchie in years. I bet he’s still gorgeous and French. ~Laura

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laughingmom says:

April 8, 2011 at 7:55 am

Think Satan speaks with a French Accent? He may have lured your Frenchie away…
*** Ha! Well, he can have him. ~Laura

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Jena says:

April 8, 2011 at 7:56 am

And how long did this meaningful, heartfelt, in depth relationship last?
*** A few months I believe. ~Laura

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MorningGlory says:

April 8, 2011 at 7:58 am

I had one of them once. He wasn’t French…that would have been a bonus. Dumber than a box of rocks, but he sure was nice to look at. My sister and I still talk about him, and it’s been at least 25 years ago.
*** The GQ ones you never forget. ~Laura

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PermaTourist says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:17 am

You should have kept me around: my English is much better now.
*** HA! ~Laura

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LC Aggie Sith says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:22 am

You know, if I had a dead hooker that looked like him, I would display him in the foyer.
*** Ha! For reals. He was a looker that’s for sure. ~Laura

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Nicole says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:26 am

The best kind. Pretty to look at and you don’t even have to pretend to understand him.
*** HA! EXACTLY! ~Laura

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Jena says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:42 am

wwwwweeeeee!!!! a whirl wind romance! ha!
you are a riot!
French = Satan. Fact.
*** HA! He was hawt. ~Laura

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Jena says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:43 am

forgot to add….
hows the thumb rabies? mine is acting up.
*** It’s a little better than yesterday, DAMN RABIES! ~laura

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AmyLynn says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:01 am

Heee did you ever see the episode of “Friends” where Joey thinks he is speaking French but it just sounds like “blah blee blah blah”
heeee
You should have made him teach you to swear in French.
that is all
*** I taught him how to swear in English. ~ Laura

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Tina, The Escrow Goddess says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:04 am

This week on Hoarders, We visit Laura who hoards one of the most bizzare and horrific collections we have encountered so far.
Phycologist: “Is that what I think it is? A Dead Hooker? HOW many Dead Hookers?”
Laura: “No, No, don’t take that one, she’s only been dead a week! I can keep that one! A week isn’t that bad!”
*** HAHAHA! Yeah, imagine that look at that professional organizer’s face! Ha! ~Laura

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Erik says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:20 am

Its not that Satan is French, its that the French are of him – see the diff? Only a people who are of him could give us snails, a lousy salad dressing, women who go topless at beaches but don’t shave their underarms, and bad oral hygiene.
Have a good weekend burying hookers.
*** HA! I gotta rent a backhoe. ~Laura

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Rena says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:22 am

OK I laughed out loud at his “Pepe Le Pew French talk.”
*** Pepe did know more English. ~Laura

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SOYLENT GREEN says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:26 am

“And he only spoke a few words of English.”
That’s not a bug, that’s a feature.
*** I know, right?! ~Laura

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Frenchie says:

April 8, 2011 at 11:05 am

Laura, je pensais que notre amour était vrai!
*** HAHA! Hush that fancy tawk Frenchie! ~Laura

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Liz says:

April 8, 2011 at 12:30 pm

The burning question I have is this: Was he “good” where it counted? You know, in the kitchen?
*** And the living room, and the hall, and the den…wait…what? ~Laura

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Marianna Annadanna says:

April 8, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I live in Canada (eh?) and we have French people all over the place. I’m actually trying to become one. It’s a different kind of French, though. It’s less “Pepe le Pew” and more “Don’t f-ck with me, get me a poutine” [pronounced "poo-tin", consisting of french fries slathered in gravy and cheese curd. And it's effing DELICIOUS.]
*** OH MY GOD. Fries slathered in gravy and cheese curd. OUI, OUI!! ~Laura

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DogsDontPurr says:

April 8, 2011 at 7:28 pm

This is totally off topic, but I just clicked on your link in the sidebar: “A Train Ride in 1906.” Wow. I live part time in SF, so I know Market Street well. Watching that was spooky, amazing, and moved me to tears. Thanks for finding that and posting it!
*** You’re more than welcome. ~Laura

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Little Bit a Jessica says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:13 pm

*** And the living room, and the hall, and the den.. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT… YES!
*** Ha! ~Laura

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Tad! says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I guess the only thing I can comment on here is the fact you are renting a backhoe! Would you mind terribly, helping out an old friend… can I just dump my trunk load in your hole? I mean .. wait.. umm … oh never mind I’ll dig my own hole…….
*** Ha! Yeah, dig your own hole for your hookers. ~Laura

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Barbie says:

April 8, 2011 at 8:24 pm

“J’pensais that our friendship was true!”
Very nice Frenchie! I’m sure it was very true at that time.
*** Yeah, that’s it. ~Laura

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Jan says:

April 8, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Meh. I’d rather have a baby pygmy goat.
*** ME TOO! ~Laura

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Cathy S. says:

April 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

Damn he’s fine lookin!
*** Indeed he was. ~laura

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Courtney says:

April 9, 2011 at 11:47 am

I just found my new favorite site. Thanks for the laughs.
*** Anytime and welcome. ~Laura

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jacqui says:

April 9, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Do you still have Frenchie’s number by any chance?? I like your idea to list everything Satan is doing to piss you off. He’s been asking for it.
*** He’s such a sonsabitch, isn’t he? And sorry, I don’t have Frenchie’s number anymore. ~Laura

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Suniverse says:

April 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Um. YUM?
I would totally do Frenchie.
*** He was hawt. ~Laura

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Cameron says:

April 9, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I am totally doing Frenchie tonite… I have printed this picture and put it up on my ceiling…. Yummy!
*** NO DETAILS PLEASE! ~Laura

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Holly says:

April 11, 2011 at 1:28 am

Whoa frenchie is a hottie!
*** Yes, he was. ~Laura

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Terri says:

April 12, 2011 at 9:49 pm

I’ve been a lurker/non-commenter for a while. Love your blog. Thought I would ingratiate myself with another photo of “frenchie” but I can’t post it, dangit. Sadly, he has a very american name.
*** Thanks! And welcome to commenting! Pics of good-looking men and goats can be emailed! Ha! ~Laura

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Terri says:

April 14, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Can’t find an email address for you.
*** laura at fetchmyflyingmonkeys dot com (in case you need it) ~Laura

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Terri says:

April 14, 2011 at 3:10 pm

duhhhh… Can I friend you on Facebook? That should solve the email thing. I’m not usually so fucking stupid.
*** Sure, just send a request on FB. ~Laura

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