Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

How Satan stole my calzone.

By Laura On March 31, 2011 · 33 Comments

I’ve been on this low-carb diet, “The Hell Diet” as I refer to it, for three months now. The most amazing thing about it is you really do lose your hunger. I mean, I still dream about pasta and Cheetos and Circus Peanuts and sometimes when I’m stopped at a traffic light and I look over and see a kid in a car eating fries, I have to fight the urge to slam my car in park and run over and sling open their door, grab the greasy containers of starchy wonderful delights out of their filthy, grubby kid hands, and then speed away shoveling them by the fistfuls into my mouth laughing a maniacal, muffled laugh through a heavenly, salty choking fit. Oh, and I’m calling it “The Hell Diet” not because it’s difficult, but because I didn’t lose an ounce for over two weeks and when I had convinced myself that I was going to break it by eating a wagon-wheel-size calzone from Mellow Mushroom and go into induction again after, I magically lost six pounds in one day. Yeah, magically as in diabolically. Fuck you, Satan.

P.S. The Mellow Mushroom did not pay me for endorsing them and that sucks. No one pays me for endorsing them. Maybe it’s because I endorse murder and mayhem. Shit, that reminds me, I have to go now, that dead hooker isn’t going to bury herself.

33 Comments

33 Responses to How Satan stole my calzone.

Jennifer says:

March 31, 2011 at 4:53 am

LMAO!! Damn that Satan!!
*** Damn him to Hell!! ~Laura

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garnet says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:27 am

Oh man, the Mellow Mushroom has the best calzones too! Satan sucks.
*** Indeed he does. ~Laura

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One Crazed Chick says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:28 am

You still haven’t buried that dead hooker yet? Maybe we need to take your car for a lunch or break run today!!
*** Maybe we should. I hope the dead hooker stain isn’t too bad. ~Laura

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The Other Crazed Chick says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:28 am

I really wanted that Calzone. I had myself convinced,it was the right thing to do. I still think it the right thing to do.
Just wanted you to know where I was at with this. Maybe the scampi will help… aaauuuuuuu calzone…… drool drool.
*** Isn’t that the best calzone every in the whole wide world? And scampi will definitely help. ~Laura

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Harris says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:29 am

Shit, I haven’t buried my hooker yet eother and it’s already Thurday.
*** Get to it, the weekends almost here and that means more hookers. You don’t want a backlog. ~Laura

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Princess says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:54 am

I, for one, would sooooooo jump a kid for french fries…. Red light, Stop sign, McDonald’s… Yep! no problem.
*** Squealing tires as you leave them sitting there crying their french fry-less kid tears. ~Laura

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Tad says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:56 am

Ya know, Denny’s is having a Bacon-rama. Maybe that would help.
*** My fridge is stuffed with bacon. Best part of the diet. ~Laura

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hoodyhoo says:

March 31, 2011 at 6:19 am

Children deserve no fries, that’s why McDonald’s has those disgusting apple slices. And if we could invent a dead hooker that WOULD bury herself, we’d be bazillionaires!
*** HA! We should work on that since the lottery thing isn’t working out too well. ~Laura

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Jena says:

March 31, 2011 at 6:37 am

Calzone….mmmmm
*** Mmmmm ~Laura

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Boneybutt says:

March 31, 2011 at 6:42 am

It’s a good thing it’s not been really hot this week or else there’d be a lot of stinky cars!!
I can solve the calzone problem for you. You can have some of mine!!!
*** I am cursing you now. ~Laura

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Jena says:

March 31, 2011 at 6:46 am

Y’all need to try the new Wendy’s fries. Better than their original before they “improved for your health” fires and made me stop eating there.
They use sea salt.
*** NO FRIES SATAN. ~Laura

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Jena says:

March 31, 2011 at 7:48 am

If you wrap a fry with 3 pieces of bacon, it neutralizes the carbs. Truth
*** No, it does not cancel it out. That kind of math got me here. Ha! ~Laura

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MorningGlory says:

March 31, 2011 at 8:07 am

As a calzone connoisseur, perhaps you can explain to me the difference between a calzone and a stromboli. I’ve never been able to figure it out.
*** About $1.50. Ha! (Seriously, I have no clue- I’m Irish.) ~Laura

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lifeshighway says:

March 31, 2011 at 8:09 am

the peptalk: you can do this. I have and lived to the other side where I can on occasion have salty french fries if I so desire.
the downside: you live in fear of backsliding so even though you can have the french fries you don’t. And you stare are your friends while they eat them like a hungry dog.
Does that make you feel better?
*** Umm not really. Ha! ~Laura

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rdennis says:

March 31, 2011 at 8:36 am

You realize that every time you say or write words like that, Satan smiles. Oh yeah, you are one of his unknowing minions. (well, I am pretty sure you must be anyway, and I am kind of an authority on that stuff) ((well really, I gave up cussing for Lent, like I always do, so when others do, a little part of me sighs))
*** So YOU’RE a sigher too! Oh and Satan doesn’t scare me, except in movies. ~Laura

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Erik says:

March 31, 2011 at 8:43 am

Congrats on staying the course on you diet!
Me…I am seriously thinking of some fries with BBQ today.
And kudos to you for getting the coffee maker. Methinks that I may have to start drinking coffee in the morning, so as to avoid the prying eyes of my son, who has taken quite a liking to soda. He saw me pouring my morning soda, and had that look in his eyes….
*** Oooooo sodas are the devil’s cough syrup ( or something like that.) Drink the coffee- so much better for you. ~Laura

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SOYLENT GREEN says:

March 31, 2011 at 9:02 am

What if you convince Satan that the dead hooker in your trunk is actually on your ‘diet from Hell’?
Perhaps he’d bury her for you.
*** Hmmmm or just not let her have a calzone either. Sonsabitch. Laura

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The Nickster says:

March 31, 2011 at 9:25 am

I too have already buried my hooker…but be careful. Mine came back as a zombie and I had to tase it. Taser didn’t do shit to it so I then had chop off its head with the shovel. I would suggest you bring a stick to validate you have a non zombie dead hooker (NZDH).
Haha! You and those tasers! I always have a stick on hand for dead hookers by the way. ~Laura

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Sherri says:

March 31, 2011 at 9:33 am

Spot Shot works great on dead hooker stains! I haven’t tried Oxy Clean yet but the spray pre-treater does a good job on clothes so I’m hoping it will work in the trunk.
*** Oh, thanks for the tip. I’ve just been using Febreeze and hoping for the best. ~Laura

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Rob says:

March 31, 2011 at 9:42 am

Dump dead hooker in the McDonald’s drive-thru lane. Some french fry pacifying soccer moms will treat it like a speed bump but one of them will stop. Temptation eliminated for a little while.
*** HAHA! Dead hooker speed bump. Ha! ~Laura

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Elphaba says:

March 31, 2011 at 9:57 am

You are lucky the South is having a cold snap, or your car would smell unbearable! Start digging, girl, and don’t forget the lime!
Seriously, though…in the last three months, how much total weight have you lost? And I’ve been meaning to ask you…are you still running? I need to get my tired ass back in shape, and I need some inspiration.
*** I am wasting away I tell you! Yes, I am still moving my ass everyday and the most amazing thing is all my blood work came back fantastic which kind of surprised me because you don’t count calories or fat so I thought surely my cholesterol or triglycerides are elevated- but they were the best they’ve ever been. ~Laura

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AmyLynn says:

March 31, 2011 at 10:10 am

I am on a diet too and whenever I see someone with food I cannot have I imagine the food covered in maggots, or ants, or mold, or any other disgusting thing.
Or maybe hanging out of a zombie mouth.
that is all
*** Ha! I just imagine stealing it and shoveling it in my mouth. ~Laura

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Barry says:

March 31, 2011 at 10:17 am

What’s the difference between a dead hooker and “The Hell Diet”? “The Hell Diet” still sucks! (sorry, I couldn’t resist) I buried mine last night so I’m ready for the weekend!!
*** HaHa! I’m ready for the weekend even if I have to double up on dead hookers. ~Laura

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SOYLENT GREEN says:

March 31, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Hey, that Super-hero uniform idea of yours could come into play here.
Superheros never have to explain dead bodies, hookers or no.
So, here’s another sartorial suggestion along those lines.
http://cbullitt.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/steampunk-amazons-on-mars/
*** HA! I love it. ~Laura

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Yabu says:

March 31, 2011 at 12:20 pm

How long are you going to stay on the devil diet? That shit ain’t healthy.
Just sell the hookers…less trouble and clean up in the end.
*** For body parts? ~Laura

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Liz says:

March 31, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Not that anyone cares but I hate mushrooms so I think I’d avoid that calzone altogether because of that resturant’s name. There, I feel better and you are all bored by my comment!! HA HA
*** Oooo they have the best food and you can get things without mushrooms. Seriously, it’s a great place for pizza too. Damn, they need to pay me. ~Laura

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Curtal Friar says:

March 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Hopefully the hooker in the trunk ain’t one of the types of hookers like they had in Sin City.
You might be in really hot trouble then.
**** Oh lawdy, I never thought about that. ~Laura

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Curtal Friar says:

March 31, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Oh, and got a challenge up, if you’re interested:
http://fountainabbey.wordpress.com/2011/03/30/super-challenge/
*** I’ll go look….~Laura

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VEG says:

March 31, 2011 at 1:28 pm

You just totally proved me right that low carb diets (or any diet) is crazy making stuff. I am going to forward this to my husband right now as an explanation for why my ass is the size it is.
*** HA! I agree all diets make ya crazy. ~Laura

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Squirrely wrath says:

March 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm

If this is the same Mellow Mushroom I’ve been to, all I can say is that it’s a good thing it’s a 5 hour plane ride followed by a 2 hour drive away from me. Otherwise, people would find my bloated, drunk carcass in the gutter out front of the place every morning.
*** I bet it is because that’s how they used to always find me there. ~Laura

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Holly says:

March 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Wow it curbs appetite, I might have to try it, I’m sick of eating a pile of fruit and then being hungry again five minutes later.
*** No fruit on this. They’re full of carbs (sugar.) ~Laura

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Larry says:

March 31, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Go to the paint store and get some drop cloth plastic, that will keep the stains out. Febreeze for the smell afterwards. So if you miss Sunday can you do it later, or do you have to wait for the next Sunday?
I can’t get any companies to sign endorsement deals, either. I figured Ford was a shoe-in since I bought my Mustang, I mean they pay that Carl Edwards guy, right? But nooooo, instead they have their lawyers call me. Cowards.
*** HAHA! Kinda like George Clooney’s legal team is always “Cease and Desist” blah blah bullshit. Oh and I don’t know if I’m happy or a little scared that you know so much about disposing of bodies. HA! ~Laura

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Nancy in Iowa says:

March 31, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I live in a teeny rural town of about 3000. Good news: there are no hookers, unless they’re already in the back of someone’s farm truck.
Bad news – there are no calzones here.
*** Oh wow, you need to get to some calzones, and hookers, or maybe hookers that make calzones. ~Laura

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