Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Last week I bought four lottery tickets because there were two lotteries and they were giving away a gazillion dollars on each one. The drawings were this past weekend and I didn’t win a penny and that really sucks because I really thought I’d win. As a matter of fact, my retirement plan is solely based on winning the lottery. I even wrote out a letter of resignation, which really wasn’t so much a “letter” as it was two words written on the back of an old credit card offer envelope with a half dried-out Sharpie. It rhymed with “buck chu” and it was one of the most heartfelt notes I have ever written in my entire life.
I told J I was upset about not winning and he was all “Lotteries are a tax on innumerate people” all snobby and superior like and I’m all “I know you are but what am I?” and he was all “Four dollars poorer.” He’s just bitter because I told him after I won I was going to buy the place where I work so I could bulldoze it down and build a Killer Robot factory, and right before I paid hobos to fight each other in the parking lot I was going to go track down George Clooney and woo him with my money and, of course, my charm. J laughed and laughed and laughed and it started pissing me off because it was like he didn’t think I was charming so as he slept that night I called Thelma in and tried to coax her to lie on his face and suffocate him. But before she did, he kind of woke up and I quickly pretended to be asleep. I was going to get her to finish the job as soon as he dozed off again, but I fell asleep myself. Apparently even planning murder-by-cat-ass can’t keep me awake. In the morning as I was cooking breakfast, I called Thelma over to lick the bacon that was on his plate which is almost as bad as being suffocated by her, but not really. Besides, I don’t want him suffocated just yet. You see, I remembered my birthday is coming up and J said he was going to get me a Keurig Coffee Brewer and I really like coffee, so he’s safe. For now.
*EDIT*
I couldn’t wait. I got myself a Keurig Office Pro Brewer while on my lunch break. I’ve drank three cups since getting home. I’m so buzzed on caffeine I can see the future, and I’m seeing a lot of cat ass in J’s. Weeeeeeee!
Share with your friends...
48 Responses to Nazis don’t like freedom, goats, or lotteries. Oh, and sometimes their bacon taste like cat food. *EDIT*
Leave a Reply to Jena Cancel reply
Friend me on Facebook!
Follow me on Pinterest!
you know what would cheer you up?
Ice Cream and a baby goat in a suit and tie.
*** I smiled just thinking about it. ~Laura
Haha, how dare J laugh at you! George Clooney would be stunned by your adoration, but possibly not by your money seen as he’s already pretty rich.
Thelma however could finally have those special “cat tools” for taking care of unwanted squirrels and general evilness
*** I think I need a lot of the money to get close to him. I could like say I wanted to donate MILLIONS to Darfur but I wanted to hand it to the spokesperson personally (you know, act all innocent and dumb about WHO is the spokesperson) and then win him over, or at least sexually assault him. Either one. ~Laura
(Note to self: “Don’t piss off Laura.”)
Don’t forget the assholes running the Lottery. They should die horribly of Thumb Rabies with Science Sticks stuck up their rectal regions.
*** I remember when S.C. was lottery-free. They promised BIG things for the state (God knows it needs it.). I yet to see any improvement. Not one. And that baby generates zillions. FACT. ~Laura
I didn’t win either! But I didn’t write out my note of resignation either! lol
*** It’s therapeutic. ~Laura
Coffee is always a good reason not to murder someone.
*** Exactly. ~Laura
BUCK CHU! Spit my coffee again… Girl, you are dangerous in the morning. To Bucking funny.
*** Don’t waste the coffee!! Weeee! ~Laura
Wait! you blew money on Lottery tickets? We’re leaving town again in three weeks. That’s GAS money!!!! If you put that money in a jar and save it, in a year you will have more money than you would have ever won in the lottery. You may as well drive down the street and throw it out the window. yeah! I didn’t win either. and I spent $8.
*** THAT $8 could have bought Slim Jims!! ~Laura
When will J ever learn???? He should know better than to go to sleep after he’s pissed you off. Doesn’t he realize Jack and Thelma work together? The two of them can make anything look like an accident!!
I was really hoping you’d win so I could be your new chaffeur!
*** I’d definitely hire you too. ~Laura
Laura, I want you to know how much I look forward to reading your blog every day. It always makes me smile or laugh or a few times even cry. Please don’t ever stop blogging.
*** Thank you, Patty. I won’t stop unless the rabies gets too bad. Or the leprosy, because with leprosy my fingers might fall off and I’m not going to type with a stick in my mouth. But if I get one of those little helper monkeys I’ll have it type for me. ~Laura
I guess this means no Krav Maga on J until AFTER your birthday? I guess I COULD use more practice time… I seem to focus on the groin…
And how did you train Thelma to lick bacon without absconding with it?
*** It was hard training her, but in time she got it. And yes, after my birthday, all bets are off. ~Laura
Thelma is a very talented cat. Does she do any outside work? She could come to my office and do some creamcheese licking and perhaps trip a few a-holes.
*** I will send her on up. She enjoys atempting to murder strangers, but don’t we all? Wait…what? ~Laura
I would definitely hold off until you get a Keurig Coffee Brewer. They’re the Catdaddy.
If you win, let me know because I like to watch bulldozing. The house down the street was bulldozed last spring…took all of about five minutes using a big ass bulldozer like the Israeli IDF uses for revenge. I’m serious, that crib was a pile of rubble in five minutes, then it took some Mexicans five days to haul it off.
Would you bulldoze it populated, of would you cut ‘em slack slack?
*** I would probably secretly warn a few to call in sick that day. Just a few. ~Laura
You could use the money to finance a Soros-like blog consortium of interest in only baby goats, tiny hedgehogs and lap-giraffes.
Like you’d blog if you were rich! You wouldn’t have time for the little people anymore. We’d be all dejected and shit.
*** HAHA! No, you all would reject me and be all “Look at Miss Fancy pants and all her baby goats! Gawd I hate her!” Don’t try to deny it. People would be all full of goat envy. ~Laura
If you had won the lottery, imagine all the attention you would have gotten. Being an attention whore and all, you’d have eaten it all up!!
*** Except when they tried to get my money. Then I’d have to call in some hired assassins. ~Laura
A Keurig is totally worth not murdering someone annoying. But ONLY if you get one of the fancier ones. If he gets you a bottom-of-the-line one….just go ahead and off him because he obviously has no respect for you and making your mornings more heavenly. But FYI: Always remember to put a coffee cup under the Keurig before pushing the button. And if (when) you don’t remember and your kitchen floor turns into a coffee lake….just blame him for giving it to you in the first place.
*** Ooo I must remember to specify that I want a fancy one. They come in red right? I want a red one. Not putting a cup under the spicket thing is probably totally something I would do. I hope my dog Jack likes coffee because I hate mopping. ~Laura
Stretch likes coffee, and I’ll bet Jack would drink it.
*** But lawd I’d hate to see him hyped up any more than he is! Ha! ~laura
Oooo the lottery! Good idea. I was relying on the “sue a rich person for billions” plan. The lottery is a logical backup.
*** You can’t depend on rich people. They might file bankruptcy or something. Go lottery all the way. ~Laura
My sister up the street has two Keurigs, and will she relinquish one to me?? NO!!!
Her reason: this way she can make two cups at a time. I told her that’s what the COFFEEMAKER is for.
Total blank look…. Let me know if I can borrow Thelma.
*** Thelma would make her cough up that Keurig. She has her ways and they’re not pretty. Tell me wen- I’ll ship her out. ~Laura
“murder-by-cat-ass” is my new favorite plot. Oh, and I totally want a Keurig. A fancy model, in shiny shiny black/chrome. Two of them: one for home and one for work. I’m a coffee whore.
*** I am quickly becoming a cofee whore. Weee! I really don’t know if I can wait for one for my birthday, so I may have to buy one! Weeee!! ~Laura
bbwwahahhaaa. TY I needed that laff this morning.
*** You’re welcome and I hope everything’s okay. ~Laura
We had a plan that when we won (which I will before you!) we were going to buy the house next door and kick the aholes that live there out on the street. Nothing ever goes my way. My keurig brewer rocks! I set up a coffee bar with flavor syrups and little shakers full of cinnamon and chocolate – if I won the lottery I guess I could hire a barrista to serve me!
*** HA! I really want a Keurig Brewer and when I get one I”M gonna set up a coffee bar too! AND I win before you. I just know it. ~Laura
Wow! Just….wow…..
*** Wha? ~Laura
“murder-by-cat-ass” the ultimate crime. Hahaha! Thanks you made my day again.
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
Yes! Get the FANCY Keurig! We have the “middle of the road” version and it rocks. I do wish I had gotten the best one though. Weeeee! I’m trying to figure out how to borrow Thelma and use her on some coworkers. They tend to stay awake at work though. Bummer.
*** HA! She works best at night. I’m looking at the Platinum System. Thoughts? ~Laura
LOL, you have one of the most creative answers to “what would you do if you won the lottery?”.
The only flaw in your proposed scenario is the fact you left out the Italian whore. You’re gonna have to use some of that money to get her out of the picture. And that might take a lot of money and planning, cause with her being Italian and all, you don’t know what kind of Mafia connections she may have.
Before anyone gets upset and says I’m being derogatory against Italians, I am Italian and therefore allowed to joke about my paisans, so get the fuck over it. LOL
*** God, I hope no one’s that touchy here. They’re in the wrong place if they’re that sensitive that’s for sure.
I really didn’t want to tell what I would do with THE WHORE. You know, evidence… ~Laura
“murder-by-cat-ass” I need Thelma to help me out with a few…ahem…tasks.
I have been thinking about how to protect your dinosaurs, but then I get distracted by shiny sparkly things
what?
that is all
*** That happens to me all the time! ~Laura
Girl, you make me laugh almost every morning and I wanted to tell you that I LOVE your blog and I know you don’t like touching strangers, but some days I just want to hug you!
*** Wow. Well, thanks and no, I don’t like strangers touching me because of disease and pickpocketing and such- plus whatever the stranger has. ~Laura
The Platinum is what I believe we have. At the time it was about 130.00. It looks like an updated exact one of ours.
And you will forget to put a cup under it. We all have and still do 1-2 x’s a year.
*** Jack will become an addict then. Do you like yours? How long have it had it? Any problems? ~Laura
My dad has one of those coffee makers. The coffee is good, but you need to tell J. that if he gets you one, it must come with free coffee for life, because those little packets are tres expensive!
Assassination by cat ass. Brilliant idea, except cats only assassinate what you don’t want to kill.
*** HA! Thus you use reverse psychology on them. Be all “Oh don’t kill so and so!” Then BAM! Dead. ~Laura
You’re prolly better off. I mean, a gazillion hardly seems worth it. Wait til it’s 3 or 4 gazillion.
*** HA! I’d like win even $5 if I could. Recoup my loss and make a profit. ~Laura
George would love you, with or without winning the lottery. But winning would certainly put you in his circle and he wouldn’t have to bankroll your existence like he has to do with the Italian whore. And there are unconfirmed rumors that they have broken up, so he may be all yours soon!
I love my Keurig-best purchase I’ve ever made. I think mine is called the Special Edition model with 3 cup sizes. You should make J buy one for you now. That way he’ll have to get you another present for your birthday because you’ll already have your Keurig.
*** Ohhh great idea! Oh and if only it’s true that he dumped that WHORE. This will mean that not only will he be mine soon, but voodoo works. ~Laura
We’ve had our for 3 years, I think and no problems. I did learn a tip tho, if you get coffee grounds in your cup, just wiggle loose the gasket that seals the needle. We love our Keurig.
*** I can’t wait. ~Laura
Platimun is the way to go. I’d keel to be able to brew a bigger cup (they have 5 sizes mine only has 3). And, you can adjust the water temp. Also, you don’t have to buy their coffee cups (but they make great flavors like the chocolate donut one!). We brew our own coffee of choice using Keurig’s “My K-Cup” reusable filter. Buy it and go “cheap” until you win the lottery!
**** Mmmm donuts…. ~Laura
PS – (oh gawd, I’m the comment stalker!). I’ve had my Keurig for 3 or 4 years. Still works like the day I got it. We make travel mugs of coffee every day to take to work and it has never failed us. And, I think I’m the only one that hasn’t forgotten to put a cup under it. I have forgotten to put coffee in though and ended up with a cup of hot water. HA HA
*** HA! That’s something I would do too. Be all “wow this coffee is weak.” D’huh. Oh, and comment stalking is fine. ~Laura
Ours only has 3. We usually do the medium size. I recommend when you do the hazlenut or vanilla, do the small size. Flavor is more concentrated. And if I put a flavord one in a to go cup I use 1 small and 1 med. Perfect mix.
*** Now I’m thirsty… WEEEE! ~Laura
I had forgotten about the hobo fights. Damn!! I wish you would have won.
J must’a really pissed you off good cause “murder-by-cat-ass” sounds like a most horrible way to leave this world.
*** AND once the coroner reports a cat’s ass caused it, I’m in the clear…wait..DAMMIT! I blogged my involvement! Arrrgh! ~Laura
Holy shit! What a fucking coincidence. I played the lottery last week and didn’t win either!! You and me, laura. You and me….
*** It’s like we were separated at birth or something. ~Laura
did they not have red? or is J getting your 2nd one in red?
*** No. This one did not come in red. I still like it though. ~Laura
You are hilarious.
*** It’s my life, girl! ~Laura
Sean just googled yours. It looks like you might not be able to use your “my k-cup” with your unit. What does the knob do?
*** It has a special basket to use your own coffee. It does not have a LED because LEDs are one of the first things to fail. This is an office one built to take more usage. I also got it on sale : ) I lurve it. The knob is to move to what size drink you want then you press the center to brew. ~Laura
Yea for your Keurig! We use ours all of the time – even just for immediate hot water for tea or cocoa. You can get the cups pretty cheap sometimes on Amazon.
*** I was also told that Bed Bath and Beyond have cheap ones and gives coupons. ~Laura
We just figured out ours. It’s the special edition and I had gotten it on sale for 139.00.
Keurig site has an iced beverage tumbler for 5.95 to make iced coffee.
*** I’m gonna send you my address for all these products you’re recommending! Ha! ~Laura
I would not forget you if you won the lottery. I still remember the promises of cheez whiz fountains. Or was it Velveeta? Liquidy cheese of some kind.
*** Velveeta fountains and pool parties with goats on floats! ~Laura
Our super Target has the coffee on sale every couple months and you can get rain checks! Plus they occasionally print out register coupons for the coffees.
send me your address and I will send you some boxes of STOK for your bday amoung other goodies.
*** HA! You’re gonna have me buzzing and I’m just a novice! ~Laura
To J from Thelma
http://chzichcafterdark.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/funny-pictures-darth-vader-cat-force.jpg
*** HAHAHA! ~Laura
My birthday is in less than 2 weeks. I want!
*** Oh, you should get one! ~ Laura
Congratulations on your new Keurig. Save your receipts when you get your K-cups someplace cheap & other stores (like Kohl’s) will price-match. And did you get a K-cup carousel to keep your K-cups in? They look really nice standing next to the Keurig with all your flavors on display. Someone mentioned Stok, which is something every caffeine addict needs to keep on hand. I’m a firm believer in concentrated coffee shots!
*** Ohhh all these accessories! This is like a project! ~Laura
I noticed that you have shared the coffee with the dinos as they look really really happy! Did they get the buzz too??
*** And and then they proceeded to taunt Jack. ~Laura