Every super hero has a nemesis and I’m no different. Now all I need is a really cool outfit that doesn’t make my ass look big, oh, and a super power and I’m set. And, oh yeah, a cool theme song.

57 Responses to Every super hero has a nemesis and I’m no different. Now all I need is a really cool outfit that doesn’t make my ass look big, oh, and a super power and I’m set. And, oh yeah, a cool theme song.

1. Holly says:

   March 28, 2011 at 4:17 am

   HAHA! I love it, he does just sound really rude though, it’s one thing if you’re in the way and he can’t get past otherwise he should just wait.
   Maybe he only has the scooter so that people move out of his way and you’re foiling his plan!
   *** He probably thinks HE’S a super hero. Pfft. ~Laura

   Reply
2. Jennifer says:

   March 28, 2011 at 4:57 am

   LOL! He looks just like your drawing..err..I mean, rendering! lol
   *** Yes, all my renderings are exact renderings. ~Laura

   Reply
3. garnet says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:05 am

   LMAO! I love it! And you’re right- all super heroes need a nemesis and you have one!
   *** I do indeed. ~Laura

   Reply
4. Princess says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:26 am

   OK! As I look at your picture, he looks like he is running away from you and I’m thinkin ( now, this is to the tune of Batman of course, sing it with me now!) dodo dodo dodo dodo dodo dodo dodo dodo BAD MAN! sorry, its early!
   *** That would be HIS theme song. Ha! ~Laura

   Reply
5. The Other Crazed Chick says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:29 am

   It’s a damn good thing you weren’t in the coffee isle. cuz I know you would have KNOCKED…. HIM…. OFF…. HIS… SCOOTER!
   ** HA! Damn skippy I would have. Weeeeee! ~Laura

   Reply
6. Tad says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:31 am

   He doesn’t look so bad… I’m sure a taser would work just fine…But I still think ….he wants you! HA!
   *** Ewww. ~Laura

   Reply
7. Bob M says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:34 am

   I’m Tellin you Laura, this man really has it bad for you… He goes shopping on Sunday because he knows your there. HE LOOKS FOR YOU! You make his week. He’s in luuuuuv!
   *** Puke. And no, he’s just a mean, rude old man. ~Laura

   Reply
8. One Crazed Chick says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:37 am

   Since he obviously doesn’t know how to be polite in public, taking your time will teach him patience–yeah, that’s what it’ll do!!
   *** Exactly. ~Laura

   Reply
9. Cappy says:

   March 28, 2011 at 5:38 am

   Why dont you slip this guy something to let him know about your blog. get him involved, maybe he needs a little intervention…I mean comradery… Yeah, Bring him on, we’ll take care of him….
   *** Umm, no. ~Laura

   Reply
10. Yabu says:

    March 28, 2011 at 5:39 am

    You should accidentally spill some oil in his path. Speaking of cool, last week it touched 80, today it’s snowing. WTF
    *** No snow here, but it cooler. I like for winter to hold on a while longer. I DESPISE the summer here. ~Laura

    Reply
11. Princess says:

    March 28, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Yes… I know that would be HIS theme song.. I said it was early.. I’m still thinkin of one for you…gimme time gimme time! I need another cup of coffee to get my brain blood going….
    *** Stop at Starbucks, I’ll take an iced latte. ~Laura

    Reply
12. Steph says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:01 am

    I tried zooming in on his pic a bit to be sure, but is that a bald spot AND an almost mullet? The guy’s asking for a can of your whoop ass!
    *** It is indeed and yes he is. ~Laura

    Reply
13. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:05 am

    I didn’t get my dead hooker buried this weekend either. She’s out in the greenhouse waiting for the rain to stop.
    *** Greenhouses are a good spot to temporarily store dead hookers. Fact. ~Laura

    Reply
14. Jeffro says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Go old school – use a cattle prod on The Sighing Scooter Sonsabitch. Plus, you need a partner in fighting crime. I’m thinking your Georgie Boo here. You two would make such a fetching duo.
    *** Indeed we would….indeed we would… ~Laura

    Reply
15. hoodyhoo says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:30 am

    great, I have to go to the damn Walmart later on… and if Triple-S was at your store yesterday, he’s probably making his rounds up here today… and I didn’t wear my ass-kickin’ shoes…
    *** Stomp that motherfu….umm, I mean, give him my regards. ~Laura

    Reply
16. LeeAnn says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:59 am

    If he troubled you at McDonald’s, he’d be your arches nemesis. HA! Yes, I need coffee.
    *** Ha! Stop at Starbucks and bring me an iced latte. Thanks. ~Laura

    Reply
17. Jena says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:03 am

    You rock! Now next time wear a mini skirt and rrreeeaaaaccchhh for the farthest item.
    *** HA! Umm, no. ~Laura

    Reply
18. Jena says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:05 am

    He sighs ‘cos it looks like he is buying a pack of smokes.. sigh…
    *** He can light them in HELL!! ~Laura

    Reply
19. The Nickster says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:21 am

    you have a taser. he has limited mobility. you do the math. worst case scenario, if he makes a “run” for it, you take him out with a can of green beans from 30ft and say it must have fallen off the shelf onto his head. Problem solved. Don’t force me to come down there and do all the heavy lifting.
    *** ” Don’t force me to come down there and do all the heavy lifting.” And while you’re at it, I have a hooker that needs haulin’…. ~Laura

    Reply
20. Sam I Am says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:34 am

    What is wrong with you people? Can you not see a match made in heaven here? CRAZY BETTY, hello…meet Mullet Man…and they fall bathrobe over scooter for each other (but of course MM has to have his own home so CB can go there. A disaster of epic proportions if he came to roost with Betty).
    Spring, love is in the air. Voodoo and hoodoo a love spell that drives Betty to his door. I’m just sayin’…
    *** Hmmm…if she moves in with him…. THEN SATAN HAS TWO PAIRED UP! ~Laura

    Reply
21. laughingmom says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:44 am

    He’s probably in a bad mood cause he needs help getting the dead hooker out of HIS trunk.
    *** HAHA! That just might be.. ~Laura

    Reply
22. Rob says:

    March 28, 2011 at 7:56 am

    You need to get one of those cool bumper stickers that says something like “I may be slow but I’m ahead of you”. Maybe you could embroider it on your, er, um, bumper.
    *** HA! That sounds like too much work. I’m a lazy super hero. ~Laura

    Reply
23. SHELLS BELLS says:

    March 28, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Can you sneak up behind him and pull the plug on his battery pack and leave him stranded?
    *** HAHA! I bet I could…. ~Laura

    Reply
24. Jena says:

    March 28, 2011 at 8:18 am

    More like he can’t even get a dead hooker to touch his sighing ass.
    *** YEAH! Sonsabitch! ~Laura

    Reply
25. Erik says:

    March 28, 2011 at 8:50 am

    I’m telling ya – the guys got a crush on you and he’s too shy to approach you any other way.
    Reminds me of my first crush…her name was Rachel. I used to throw a red rubber ball at her to get her attention – it was the second grade.
    This worked out fine until I was walking from home one day and when her and her dad pulled up and got out of the car – a big caddy. He says to me “Stop throwing balls at my daughter”. I was so scared and said OK. She soon moved away, and for years didn’t know what happend to her.
    Found her on FB a few months back and sent her a friend request – wow had she changed over the years, and not well. I have as yet to hear back from her.
    *** HA! And no, he does not have a crush on me. He hates me, as I do him. ~Laura

    Reply
26. Tina, The Escrow Goddess says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:09 am

    You are my super hero after that! Way to Go!
    *** I’m done being polite to him. ~L:aura

    Reply
27. SOYLENT GREEN says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:09 am

    But I already sent you your costume, my dear…
    http://cbullitt.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/laura_cropped.jpg
    As for your theme song, I’d go with “Peter Gunn” because A. It has that great stripper quality to it with the horns, and B. The Internet generation has no idea what it is.
    ***HAHAHA! I do need one that doubles as stripper music… ~Laura

    Reply
28. Heather says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:36 am

    LOL! I like Soylent Green’s cotume for you, especially Jack riding in a basket belt.
    *** And Jack would like that. He’s kinda lazy. ~Laura

    Reply
29. Bitterroot says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:44 am

    You need to develop a new Superpower – Lung Rabies. When he appears, start coughing up a lung. Don’t bother to cover your mouth. Between fits, say something about all those sick motherfuckers on that last trip through Haiti. (While holding your voodoo candles).
    **** Oh super TB maybe…. ~Laura

    Reply
30. Elphaba says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Interesting…ScooterBoy definitely seems to only want the thing that you are already perusing, and yet he backs down to your polite GTFO. He sounds like a gimpy, passive-aggressive, onionless sonsabitch. Yes, that is a euphemism.
    *** HAHA! Rude sonsabitch is what he is..and those other things. ~Laura

    Reply
31. PermaTourist says:

    March 28, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Fukkit. Jack him for the scooter (outside the store), hit him with some extra-heavy-duty pepper spray (thirty seconds worth or so should do it) to “cure” him of sighing, and leave him there.
    That, or sic Jack on him.
    *** Jack would join forces with him for a Scooby Snack. ~Laura

    Reply
32. Curtal Friar says:

    March 28, 2011 at 10:19 am

    LOL
    Before you get a cool super-suit, you need a really cool superhero name. And your nemesis needs a wicked cool supervillain name.
    Hmmm…you could be Stickgirl (as in ‘poke it with a stick’), and he could be The Sighmaster.
    Other names that come to mind:
    The Rabid Ravisher and The Doom Scooter?
    Deathfinger (deaththumb doesn’t sound as good)and The Rolling Bastard?
    Maybe I’ll think of more later.
    *** HAHA! You can be my biographer. Ha! ~Laura

    Reply
33. PermaTourist says:

    March 28, 2011 at 10:40 am

    “Accidentally” sneeze on him. Big, juicy, gobs-’o-crap, cure-for-penicillin-carrying sneeze. Bet you’d only have to do it once.
    *** Damn, that’d be nasty as hell. I like it… ~Laura

    Reply
34. Brea says:

    March 28, 2011 at 10:47 am

    OMG, love the new superhero costume! Flyin’ monkeys and EVERYTHING!!
    In the summertime, does your rabies mutate into Super Malaria?
    Oh, and about the Sighing Scooter Sonsabitch… I’ll bet he’s sighing because his oxygen tank is turned up too high. Maybe it should be turned… OFF.
    Then he could breathe in the fresh, crisp scent of KAPOW-TAKE-THAT, you old sighing sonsabitch.
    Leave our Laura alone.
    *** YEAH! You tell him! My Boo had malaria, so I had malaria too. We’re both better now thank you. ~Laura

    Reply
35. Sugar Free says:

    March 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Why are you not shopping with a scooter of your own, Laura? I bet the look on his face the next time he ran into you would be goddamn priceless!! (get another picture if you do this)
    *** HA! OH MY GOD play Bumper Scooters! Come up behind hin and BAM! ~Laura

    Reply
36. Diana says:

    March 28, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Hmm. Maybe he has an inhaling disorder or something. Maybe he’s on oxygen and what you’re hearing is the sound of the respirator. And maybe he has a cranky-ass expression all the time because he’s really in a lot of pain and stuff.
    Or maybe he’s just a jerk.
    *** I didn’t see any O2 tanks. If I did I would thrown a match…wait..what? He’s a cranky old man that needs to use some manners. ~Laura

    Reply
37. Liz says:

    March 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    You need to carry a very heavy, very large purse. When he’s all up in your bidness, you turn suddely and WHACK him right in the face with said purse. There’s no way he can prove you did it on purpose. You can than say “Oh, so sorry”, turn the other way and whack his face again! HA!
    *** You’re evil. I like that in a person. ~Laura

    Reply
38. Nancy in Iowa says:

    March 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    I use a scooter when I go to Wal-Mart (I have leprosy in my knees). I’ve been known to run into shelves and stacked goods left carelessly in my way by the freakin’ store nazis, so if I see Sighing Man in my store next time I go, I’ll run into him for you. Nothing’s too good for my friend Laura.
    *** YEAH! Ram him good, then back up and do it again and scream “SIGH NOW YOU SONSABITCH!!!” Or something like that. ~Laura

    Reply
39. Barry says:

    March 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Wow. I hope he wasn’t up front filing a complaint. You know when those old ornery bastards get upset they pull out all the stops. He may try to get you banned from the store. This means war. The rule book just went out the window. I mean you could drag him off the scooter in aisle 4 and stomp his ass. Taser his ass in the fresh produce section. Or use one of your many death techniques that make you the killing machine you are. But then the law gets involved. Or try the “non violent” approach. He’ll never see that one coming. He either thrives on your hotness or the confrontation. Beat him to the punch. When you see him change your pattern, follow him. Act like you show pity. Ask him if you could help him. Offer up advice as to which onions are best. Ask him if you can get the beans down and talk about good they are. Talk about the weather. Talk nonstop. Basically annoy the living shit out of him. Just take Dramine first so you don’t puke on him while showering him with kindness. This will either cause that sonsabitch to avoid you or he will follow you home. In which case just bury him with your hooker.
    ***HAHAHA! Bury him, store scooter and all! ~Laura

    Reply
40. Jan says:

    March 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    I thought that all you needed to be a superhero was a cape…
    *** Oh I has me one of them… wait..what? ~Laura

    Reply
41. amylynn says:

    March 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Your theme song should come from one of the James Bond Movies….
    I want to design a pamplet for you to hand him when he does this, but I am WAY too busy trying to get this dead hooker outta my car
    that is all
    *** Hurry, ’cause they will leave a dead hooker stain. ~ Laura

    Reply
42. LC Aggie Sith says:

    March 28, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Do not, under any circumstances, pair Scooterman with Crazy Betty. That’s like getting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster together.
    *** YES! HA! It would be too. ~Laura

    Reply
43. CGHill says:

    March 28, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Next time, see where he parks, and the week after that, buy an extra potato for his tailpipe.
    Also for the car, if need be.
    *** HAHA! You’re evil too. Excellent. ~Laura

    Reply
44. Teresa says:

    March 28, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I am trying to think of something suitably snarky to say next time. You must keep coming up with new lines to make this really fun. At the moment my muse has deserted me. I’ll have to go contemplate this in more detail later.
    *** How about “Stop being so rude or I will taser you old man”? ~laura

    Reply
45. The Edge says:

    March 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    This is my theme song. Feel free to borrow it when you’re dealing with small men. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9nn8k_lily-allen-fuck-you-official-video_music
    *** Ha! I alreay have it on my iPod. ~Laura

    Reply
46. lifeshighwy says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    I think you should follow him with your cart and sigh every time he stops to shop. We will see how the best sigh-er is. It’s a sigh-off, baby.
    *** HA! I just might do that next week!. ~Laura

    Reply
47. Marianna Annadanna says:

    March 28, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    hahahahahahahahahaHA! (with you, not at you)
    Also? You need to pre-empt him. Follow *him* around and stand where his little scooter is parked – a taste of one’s own medicine and all that.
    *** Ha! That’s what veryone’s saying, and even sigh athim…I’m just always in a hurry… but… ~Laura

    Reply
48. Nicole says:

    March 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    Capes. Capes are ass cover.
    *** Ohhhhh, you’re right!. A cape it is.~Laura

    Reply
49. Marianna Annadanna says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    If you’re in a hurry, maybe ask for a ride on his scooter. He seems to need everything you need. You guys could get two birds stoned at once.
    *** I’ll stone him alright, maybe with a grapefruit. ~Laura

    Reply
50. diane says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    do scooters have tailpipes? like for a banana?
    *** Or a stick of dynamite? Wait…what? ~Laura

    Reply
51. Holiday says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    O….M…..G… gurl. this man loves you….cant you take a hint. he is sighing because he knows YOU JUST DONT GET IT! and he is getting aggravated…When people get aggravated they sigh! dont aggravate the man. Suck it up and take him out for coffee.
    *** I just threw up in my miuth a little. ~Laura

    Reply
52. Power Bitch says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Oh Yeah! Coffee is good…. you could slip him a mickey! use rat poison. easy to get.. works like a charm!
    *** Weeeee! Ha! ~Laura

    Reply
53. Tink says:

    March 28, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    Ya know how much gas you could save if he picked you up for work. you could ride in his lap…. I would suck up to him if I were you.. ya never know when you might get a flat or something. Friends are good to have… all kinds.
    *** Okay, he rides THE STORE’S scooter and he’s a mean old man. No thanks. ~Laura

    Reply
54. Pug Mahon says:

    March 28, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    I got nothing. I’m just chuckling like an idiot.
    Yep. Still chuckling.
    *** He’s such a miserable old fart. ~Laura

    Reply
55. Larry says:

    March 29, 2011 at 12:52 am

    Onions and WIN!
    *** And they are delicious onions. ~Laura

    Reply
56. hotpants™ says:

    March 30, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Do you go at the same time every week? Why is he always there? What a weirdo!
    *** Generally about the same time every week so as to avoid the crowds. ~ Laura

    Reply
57. Jenny says:

    April 5, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    YOU GO GIRL! You need to kick his Freakin’ *SS, girlfriend! (…and bury the freakin’ Hooker, already, will ya!)
    *** They’re piling up around here! ~Laura

    Reply