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It’s Friday and here’s a Friday list that I purposely shortened because in reality it was entirely too long. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I generally throw up a list on Friday. Usually by Friday a lot of people lose interest in reading blogs because they’re too busy planning their weekend of binge drinking and sordid scandalous activities, what some like to call “Family Time.” Then by Monday, after they sober up, bury the dead hooker that was in their trunk, and stood in line at the Free Clinic, it’s back to reading blogs again. Or maybe that’s just me.


I’m thinking about making a series every week called “Things I Did This Week That Probably Guarantees I’m Going To Hell” but I’m pretty sure it will go the same way all my series go, which means I may do it one or two weeks and then I just stop because I have the attention span of a brain damaged lab monkey. I try to dedicate myself to a project…oh, look over there, something shiny…..


 


Things I did This Week That Probably Guarantees I’m Going to Hell



  • I started a pool with my friends called “Celebrity Death Watch 2011.” You put in $2.00 for each celebrity you think is going to die next because they always go in three. Any winners split the pot after two more croak. I picked Joan Collins because I saw a recent picture of her and she looks like a piece of old apple I found under my stove once. I also picked Pamela Anderson because there’s just so much sex with Tommy Lee a hepatitis liver can take.

  • One of my friends was complaining because she wants to get rid of an old electric wheelchair she has at her house but her cranky mother-in-law who visits her on weekends likes it and even toots around the house in it even though she walks perfectly fine. I told her to take a screwdriver and jam it in the motor. She just looked at me blankly so I demonstrated how to hold the screwdriver and ram it into the motor over and over. I told her to say “Take that old woman!” and then I threw back my head and laughed maniacally. My friend’s eyes widened and she excused herself. I remained, laughing manically.

  • Another friend and I were in a craft store because I needed supplies for the Holiday Spider. We were standing in line behind this tiny lady and by tiny I mean short, like midget short but not a midget. The woman turned around to look at the line behind her and I looked down and, no shit, she looked just like this:


  • Poltergeist


    I turned to my friend who I noticed was looking down also and whispered hoarsely ”This house is clean.” We then had to put our things down and leave so we could laugh.


I’m gonna burn.

46 Comments
 

46 Responses to It’s Friday and here’s a Friday list that I purposely shortened because in reality it was entirely too long.

  1. Curtal Friar says:

    First!!
    Sounds like a good idea for a new ongoing series from ya. Hope to see more.
    Unless you see more shiny objects…
    *** To many shiny things, too little time. ~Laura

  2. Curtal Friar says:

    I swear to God, that old woman from Poltergeist was one of the creepiest things about that movie, in my humble opinion. Almost on par with that freaky clown doll/puppet in the chair.
    *** The puppet was the worse, second were the children. ~ Laura

  3. SB Smith says:

    Ha !
    We used to joke about her in that initial scene in Poltergeist when she was explaining what was going to happen and what if she finished that off saying to the wife “But first, I must have sex with your husband.” I can still imagine her saying that with her voice.
    *** Ewww. Ha! ~Laura

  4. Michelle says:

    “Family time”. HA! If it makes you feel any better, I have picked out the curtains for my room in hell. See ya there!
    Have a great weekend and enjoy your ‘family time’.
    *** Ha! We’ll do lunch! You have a great weekend too! ~Laura

  5. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    That reminds me, I still have a dead hooker in my trunk from last weekend.
    *** You should know by now Sunday is Dump A Dead Hooker Day. Stop being lazy, Joe. ~Laura

  6. Jennifer says:

    I read blogs on Friday! And I check them on weekends!
    *** You need more “Fmily Time.” Ha! ~laura

  7. Kim says:

    Rather than leave stab marks (evidence) on the motor perhaps it would be easier to loosen the wheels instead?
    *** HAHAHAHA! Oooh, you gona burn too. Ha! ~Laura

  8. Baxter says:

    I want in on that Celebrity Death Watch 2011 action. I’d pick Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.
    *** And cause of death is OD or VD or both? ~Laura

  9. One Crazed Chick says:

    ohhhhhhhhh, let’s leave the motor in tact, just weaken the “ramp” so when they try to go outside, the fall out of the chair or maybe remove the brakes.
    *** You are burning too! Ha! ~Laura

  10. Yabu says:

    I started my binge drinking and sordid scandalous activities last night. Young cutie pie was hitting on me like there was no tomorrow…she was young and cute. I explained to her the Juju Woman would not appreciate her tactics. Did not get the jump on it, so to say. Well, yesterday is now today, and it’s time to start spring cleaning the Juju Crib and Stretch. He is a mess. He goes where no one has gone before. Have a good weekend.
    *** Ooo Juju Woman be putting a hurtin’ on someone. Jack gets a bath tomorrow. He loves it. You have a good weekend too! ~Laura

  11. hoodyhoo says:

    I tried to do the Death Pool once, but I suck at knowing who’s dead already (for instance, Joan Collins is still alive?). And I think if you see the creepy psuchic lady from Poltergeist and you DON’T say “This house is clean,” THAT’S when you go to hell. ‘Cause Jesus likes a joke as much as the next guy…
    *** “‘Cause Jesus likes a joke as much as the next guy… ” Exactly. I tell people that ALL the time when they gasp and look at me in horror at my jokes. But haters gonna hate and Jesus freaks gonna condemn. Sonsabitches. ~Laura

  12. Steph says:

    Tangina! Poltergeist=one of my fav movies. If that’s the kind of stuff that guarantees eternal damnation, then all the fun people will be in hell, by the way.
    *** And we’ll party like it’s 1999. ~Laura

  13. Bob M says:

    Just remove the wheels on the wheelchair and tell her you got robbed….. And that’s all they took…. So someone who REEEEALLY needs them, now has them. feel happy!
    *** Make a stationary seat so you’re sayin’? ~Laura

  14. Princess says:

    Tangina… ooooh, gave me nightmares… for a while. It was right up there with Jaw’s! And “The Exorcist” kept me up for months…. oooHHHhhhhhh!
    *** Dirty Dancing gave me nightmares. ~Laura

  15. Terri says:

    If you do take the wheels off, set it on blocks and say you found it in a bad neighborhood smelling like gin and Koolaid, with “grass” clippings all over it.
    *** HA! And a pitbull sitting in it. ~Laura

  16. Jena says:

    You may bunk with me until you’re as firmly entrenched as I am…. wait… what?
    *** We’ll play checkers. ~Laura

  17. Jena says:

    Im also thinking some kind of epoxy glue to the seat before the old bat gets there.
    I can’t think of any celebrities….Cher! yeah!
    *** Yeah, she’s only like 120. ~Laura

  18. Jena says:

    I nominate Crazy Betty. My $2.00 ck is in the mail.
    ***I will be looking for it. ~Laura

  19. Elphaba says:

    That makes me think of Stoatie Weasel’s Dead Pool contest, where the winner always gets a package of authentic British spotted dick. I never win, because I pick people like Nancy Pelosi, and we all know that EVIL NEVER DIES.
    As for you burning in hell, most’ve us will be there with you, passing the margarita pitcher around. It may not be so bad.
    *** “and we all know that EVIL NEVER DIES.” Sometimes Satan calls his peeps home. ~Laura

  20. Elphaba says:

    And so that you know, I spelled it “most’ve” to illustrate that we’ve all had more than a few margaritas at that point…you get awfully thirsty in the depths of hell.
    *** It’s not the humidity, but the heat. ~ Laura

  21. Rob says:

    For the record, you would never catch me burying a dead hooker. I’m too lazy. I’d have to toss her off a bridge or something.
    *** I’m right there with you. I don’t mean literally, but digging holes is way hard work. ~Laura

  22. laughingmom says:

    You generally “throw up a list on Friday” -why? do you drink too much on Thursday night while eating a list?
    *** Yes. ~Laura

  23. Liz says:

    I’ve got an idea for the wheelchair. Loosen the bolts that hold the seat on. When she sits down, her ass hits the ground like a rock! HA HA! Have your friend take a video to share. PS – I’ll see ya in hell and we’ll share some of my favorite tequila.
    *** Hells yeah! TEQUILA! ~Laura

  24. Jeffro says:

    I’ve gotta deal with dead hookers right away, since I drive a pickup and have no trunk.
    *** Maybe get a tarp? ~Laura

  25. Teresa says:

    There used to be an Amish Tech Support Dead Pool. Don’t know if it’s still going or not. Was going to look but… oh look! Shiny!!!
    *** WHERE!!!??!!! ~Laura

  26. VEG says:

    I’m going to hell (today’s reason) because I told my 2 hour old nephew I would totally buy all those things his parents wouldn’t. And let him smoke and drink at my house. Oh, and have sex with his girlfriend too.
    *** Damn. I want to come stay at your house. ~ Laura

  27. Barry says:

    Sometimes you just have to throw it against the wall and see what sticks. I always look forward to your blog because I learn so much. Today I learned a new word. Sordid. I promise to do my best to include myself in as many “sordid scandalous activities” as humanly possible. Since I never binge drink as this requires a break or drying out period in between, and I’ve already buried my dead hooker, my weekend calendar is free. Have a good weekend!!
    *** Then there’s nothing left but to be sordid and then go to the Free Clinic after. And YOU have a good weekend! ~Laura

  28. George says:

    I’ll be glad for the company! gfa
    *** We’ll play dodgeball. ~Laura

  29. lifeshighway says:

    Well I am going to burn because I laughed at poor Joan Collins and her dried apple face. I am picking Debbie Reynolds because as much as she says she loved Liz, I bet she will be going after her in Hell. No way Liz will have Eddie AGAIN!.
    *** Good choice! Now send $2.00. Ha! ~Laura

  30. Stella says:

    I have yet to bury my hooker from last last weekend!!
    *** Well, get to burying! You don’t want dead hooker stains in your trunk. ~Laura

  31. Rita says:

    Loved that movie. The swimming pool scene scared the hell out of me, so maybe that’s why I won’t do a post as to why I’m going to hell.
    “Come into the Light. All are welcome, all are welcome.”
    *** They’re hereeee. ~Laura

  32. Kay says:

    LOL! I’m going to hell too!
    *** See you there! ~Laura

  33. Sugar Free says:

    That first paragraph makes me wonder how you know so much about how I spend my weekends….
    This thing wouldn’t let me comment earlier. This was take two.
    *** It broke! But it’s all better. ~Laura

  34. Nancy in Iowa says:

    This is my third try!! Oh, Fridays, why are you so cruel? OK – I’ve been trying to tell you, Laura, that I will go to Hell with you to watch you burn. I’m sure your flames would be fluorescent with awesome pyrotechnics surrounding you! What a show you’d put on!
    *** The comments broke earlier. My flame show would be hooter than a Kiss concert. ~Laura

  35. Shit…I decorate with dead hookers… ;)
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  36. Larry says:

    Disposal day on Sunday (makes a note)…got it…
    *** And don’t forget. ~ Laura

  37. My two dollars is on one of the kids from The Jersey Shore (not just the show, but the region in general, cuz that place is a death pit waiting to happen)
    *** I know right? And probably from VD and melanoma from tanning. ~Laura

  38. CGHill says:

    OMG, Helen Thomas has a Mini-Me?
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  39. nightfly says:

    Goooo towards the liiiight… there is peeeeace and tranquilityyyy in the liiiight…
    Man that lady was creepy. Excuse me while I set my television out on the balcony. BRB.
    *** HAHA! I thought the kids were creepier. ~Laura

  40. The Nickster says:

    you haven’t posted in a couple days. I am assumming you are dead from rabies. R.I.P.
    *** You are so sweet. ~Laura

  41. AlisonsDiary says:

    Re: Imminent Celebrity Demise.
    Whoever got the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars – my moneys on them.
    *** HA! Good method of choosing! ~Laura

  42. Glen says:

    Being that I have so much more couth than you two. I would merely asked,”Do you represent the Lollipop Land??”
    *** HA! Yeah, that’s showing more restraint. Ha! ~Laura

  43. Larry says:

    It is now Sunday and no new posts…so do you think Jack got her or was it Tink?
    *** I escape sometimes on the weekend. ~Laura

  44. Princess says:

    The Nerve!
    *** I know, right?! ~Laura

  45. amylynn says:

    ahhhh
    I always come here to be cheered up.. THANKS
    heeeee
    that is all
    *** You are welcome. ~laura

  46. diane says:

    omg the old apple comment made me pee. if i could send you $2 i’d bet someone from the cast of jackass would be next. or charlie winning sheen.
    *** Charlie is a favorite to “win.” ~Laura

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