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Happy St. Patrick’s Day! | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura


St. Patrick's Day Jack

 


It’s St. Patrick’s Day and I’m Irish and by law I should be drunk but the last time I drank was last Friday when Japan had that horrible earthquake and tsunami and I thought I had a roach in my ear only to find out it was an ear infection. I was with my friend Richelle and we decided to have a few drinks to celebrate there not actually being a roach in my ear and discuss current world events. We ended up slamming back shots with a bunch of college kids and before I knew it, Richelle and I were in an inflatable dingy in the camping section of Wal-Mart screaming “SAVE YOURSELVES MOTHERFUCKERS!” We had on life vests and camo hunting hats with mosquito netting face veils and had gathered supplies consisting of two boxes of wine, a bottle of orange juice for scurvy, and a volleyball in case the tidal wave carried us to an uninhabited island and we’d have another friend if we started getting on each other’s nerves. The wave never came, but security did, so we quickly abandoned ship and our provisions to go pick up some aspirin because we’re too old to party with college kids and we knew we’d need it in the morning. And now it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I should do something Irish but I’m completely burned-out and I can’t even wear anything green because I just looked and I don’t even own anything green and the only thing open is Wal-Mart and I’ve been “banned for life” from there. So fuck it.

46 Comments
 

46 Responses to Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

  1. WPDunn says:

    jebus bless ya laura, i for one lub ya to death
    *** Aww, that helps fill my attention whore soul. And I lubs people that do that. Bless ya. ~Laura

  2. Tad says:

    Jack is lookin all Irish. He looks great in green. How the hell do you get banned from Walmart? Have you see those “Walmart” people.. they let anyone in that place. Damn girl… you are bad to the bone!
    *** Well, apparently they don’t appreciate their things being used for emergency tidal wave preparations. Something about “You need to purchase these things and take them home before inflating a dingy and screaming out warnings.” Pfft. Emergency procedure haters. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I love it when you and Richelle get together!
    *** That girl’s crazy. ~Laura

  4. Princess says:

    HAPPY ST.PATRICKS DAY!!!!
    I knew I would want to celebrate and since I dont drink well either. I bought a bottle of Starbucks Hazelnut Syrup last nite @ Sam’s. I’m on my second pot of Irish Coffee this morning…. Weeeeeeeeeee! Hey… Jack is looking good in the green! I have to go find something green this morning…. Where’s my closet? Weeeeeeeee!
    *** I stopped at Starbucks this morning! Weeeeeee! ~Laura

  5. Stacy says:

    THAT is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Happy St, Patrick’s Day!
    *** Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you! ~Laura

  6. garnet says:

    OMG I laughed so hard I spewed coffee out my nose!!LMAO!!!
    *** Girl, do not waste coffee like that. ~Laura

  7. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I lost it on the volleyball “Wilson” reference. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.
    *** Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you. ~Laura

  8. Steph says:

    I’m not sure what Walmart’s problem is. You two were actually making the place classier than it is.
    *** I thought so too! ~Laura

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    I want more spider pictures!
    Arachni Go Bragh!
    *** Simmah down nah. More holidays are coming. ~Laura

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    You obviously have something green, just borrow Jack’s wee hat! And that whole “banned for life” thing… they just do that to scare you, they don’t actually start watching out for you until like the 4th or 5th time…
    *** Thanks for letting me know that, I’ll tell Richelle- she likes shopping there for those giant boxes of no name super absorbent tampons. ~Laura

  11. Yabu says:

    Jack be looking good. Stretch is wearing a green collar, but he definitely needs a tie and hat. You are the Doxie fashion queen, no doubt about it.
    Get drunk anyway…and toss Wilson around.
    *** Jack is a fashion icon amongst doxies. At least he thinks he is. And yeah, I may have some Bailey’s and play a game or two of volleyball after work- great idea, thanks. ~Laura

  12. Shamrock Girl says:

    “Giant boxes of no name super absorbent tampons”!!! You mean those twin mattresses with the string on them..Yeah they are marvelous….HA!
    *** Lawdy. Ha! ~Laura

  13. The Nickster says:

    I think that look on Jack’s face is “I can’t believe she strapped this shit to my head and neck”. I am fairly confident that you will be reincarnated as a dachsund and Jack will be your owner.
    *** Ha! That’ll work out fine because Jack loves me. ~Laura

  14. One Crazed Chick says:

    I need to start hanging out with you and Richelle!! I could have given the directions on which way the raft should head!!
    *** Oh so now you’re all nautical and shit eh? Wanting in on our emergency tidal wave survival plans. Oh that’s right your GPS shows the way on water- okay, you’re in. Bring your own wine though. ~Laura

  15. LeeAnn says:

    For a while after seeing “Cast Away” I carried around a couple of pingpong balls in my purse. Just in case. Then I got my phobia about midgets and threw them away.
    Monkey, btw, will not wear the lovely green vest I got for her, but she did barf up something that if I squint looks kind of green, so I think she’s in the spirit.
    *** HA! Midget clowns scare me the most. They’re like Hell’s fetal alcohol syndrome babies or something. And as long as Monkey’s in the spirit, that’s all that counts…well that and not getting dehydrated I guess. ~Laura

  16. karen says:

    This entry is so full of WIN. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
    *** Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you. ~Laura

  17. Richelle says:

    “I’ll tell Richelle- she likes shopping there for those giant boxes of no name super absorbent tampons.”
    Why are you telling my biz? lol I like those no name corn chips too. Oh, and don’t be giving away or tsunami plans. We’ll have to now beat people off with our oars. That could be fun, so telling is ok.
    *** I figured we could get in some batting practice. There’s baseball bats too near that department. ~Laura

  18. Tim says:

    Wow Congratulations! I have never heard of anyone getting banned from Walmart for life. Jack looks good in green.
    *** It’s his signature color. ~Laura

  19. Anji says:

    I just ‘found’ you about a month ago and come here everyday just to LMAO – you are awesome! Thanks for my daily dose of laugter!
    PS
    SAVE YOURSELVES MOTHERFUCKERS!
    *** Well, welcome and “SAVE YOURSELVES MOTHERFUCKERS” are literally words to live by. ~Laura

  20. One Crazed Chick says:

    You might want me on your raft…I know where all the Starbucks stops would be! We could so use that after the wine..
    *** You’re in. ~Laura

  21. Remember Laura, St. Patrick = snakes.
    So…since those wankers at the office didn’t like your spider, I’m thinking… Indiana Jones, Well of Souls…
    Now that could be something to drink about–Jameson, of course.
    *** Hmmmm if only you had told me about this while the pet store was open yesterday…~Laura

  22. Erik says:

    Happy St. Patricks day!
    Jack does not look so happy, but of all the outfits you have for him, this one looks “rather snappy”.
    *** He was dapper in his tux the other week. And Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you! ~Laura

  23. rdennis says:

    I would feel sorry for you, but anyone who would dress a poor defenseless little dog up like that and take a picture? Well, you deserve any misfortune that comes your way. I hope he doesn’t chew your ears off in your sleep, or go to the dark side and help the cat kill you.
    Man, J’s Nazism must be rubbing off on you! What have you two been doing together anyway??????
    *** I feel sorry for you if you can’t see that Jack is just as big an attention whore as myself and loves being a fashion icon for the doxies of the Internet. ~Laura

  24. MorningGlory says:

    Happy St. Pat’s from the former Mrs. Murphy (that makes me Irish, by injection). I love, love, love Jack’s spiffy St. Pat’s combo. He’s the spiffiest dog ever!
    *** He really is, when he’s not sniffing the cat’s butt that is. ~Laura

  25. Hailey says:

    God you make me laugh. George is realy missing out! I hope he finds you soon.
    *** From your text to God’s eyes. ~Laura

  26. Liz says:

    Happy St. Patricks Day Laura!! I’m totally impressed with the Walmart banning. My hubby has tried to get banned by turning on EVERY musical toy at once. Never works. I’m going to get him to get in a raft next time! Jack is quite handsome in his green hat and tie!!
    *** And Jack knows it. That pose alone cost me two Scooby Snacks. Yes, and not only get your husband in the raft, but get into it also and make out with him. I bet y’all will get thrown out faster than we did. And Happy St. Patrick’s Day! ~Laura

  27. Curtal Friar says:

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
    If you’re not wearing green, give yourself a pinch.
    *** Ha! Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you! ~Laura

  28. AmyLynn says:

    I heart Jack O’Patty
    what is Irish and stays on the ground?
    Patty O’furniture
    (from someone commenting on my blog)
    heeee
    My 11 yr old son Ben and I have a detailed Zombie Apocolypse Plan. For realz
    that is all
    *** Ha! Everyone should be prepared. ~Laura

  29. George says:

    How does one ‘beat off’ people with oars? Doesn’t sound pleasant in the least.
    *** Get your mind out of the gutter now on this fine St. Patty’s day. ~Laura

  30. Nikki Rules says:

    Ha! That is so fuckin funny, my bloggy pal Laura is officially a “people of walmart” now I’ll go hunting for pics, because I trust you’ll be there!!! Thanks for the smiles.
    *** You’re welcome- and let me know if my bulbous head in a camo hat shows up. ~Laura

  31. Jan says:

    Happy St. Pat’s! I’m only 1/16th Irish and I don’t drink alcohol, so it isn’t likely that I’ll ever get banned from Walmart. Which is why I never go to Walmart, because it’s just no fun if you can’t get banned.
    *** Exactly, I’ve been trying to get banned for years. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! ~Laura

  32. Sugar Free says:

    If you add vodka to the orange juice you can take care of the scurvy AND get a fine drunk on. Happy St. Paddy’s Day from one Irish woman to another. Slainte!
    *** Happy St Patty’s to ya! Wal-Mart here does not carry liquor, thus we settled for boxes of fine chinese wine. Slainte! ~Laura

  33. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    Ya know, I was banned for life from Walmart too when last MLK Day I tried to free the employees…
    *** Ooooooo there you are! Where’ve you been? ~Laura

  34. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    Been doin some R ‘n R at the Graybar Hotel. I lost my head and beat up this Jehovah’s Witness guy who came to my door. Thanks for askin. Sorry to hear about all those fatal diseases you contracted. Tough break…
    * ** I know, it kinda sucks to be all disease-ridden, it really does. Kinda cool you beat up a JW. Did you beat him with his Watchtower magazine?~ Laura

  35. Rob says:

    Erin Go Bragh.
    We’re ALL Irish today.
    *** Aye. Get drunk! ~Laura

  36. I laughed hysterically at the image of two girls floating in a Walmart dingy. Bravo.
    PS
    Is that your unfortunate dog?
    *** Yes, that is my dog Jack and he LOVES posing. Ha! ~Laura

  37. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    To tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I couldn’t remember if his copy of Watchtower had six pages or only five. But being how Watchtower is the most nauseating piece of lterature in the world and if you read it enough times it will explode your head clean off, I decided to kick him in the nuts and hit him over the head with a vase.
    *** Well, at least you showed some self-control. ~Laura

  38. Nicole says:

    Pft. All these people thinking Jack is so put upon. He just must have been having a techy day. He generally looks pleased as hell with himself when he’s all dressed up. At least you saved him from a pinching. :)
    *** HA! Yes, I did it for his own good. ~Laura

  39. Larry says:

    They also don’t like it when you set up a tent and start brewing coffee on a Sterno stove in the middle of the sporting goods section. They don’t care that you are testing these things out to make sure they work as a favor to them. Sonsabitches.
    And also Happy St Paddy’s Day, and if you go to a different WalMart they don’t even notice it’s you. And I didn’t wear green today and no one pinched me, so I’m wondering if it’s just me…
    *** I bet it is. Ha! ~Laura

  40. Cindy says:

    I hope you and Jack had a good St. Patrick’s Day even if you didn’t get drunk for it!
    *** We did and I hope yopu did too, even if you got drunk for it. ~Laura

  41. The Ghost of Headless Guy says:

    Went out to O’Sheas last night to celebrate and down a few Irish Coffees. Don’t remember much else except this morning I woke up and lying in bed next to me was someone who looked EXACTLY like what you have pictured on this post. WTF!?!
    *** Jack gets around. You may want to go get tested this morning…he’s kind of a whore. ~Laura

  42. Michele says:

    LOL! Too funny! Just stumbled onto your blog, and I love your posts. Very entertaining!
    *** Thanks Michele, and welcome! ~Laura

  43. Marissa says:

    Glad I wan’t the only one not out doing green shooters in plastic hat, but I did find myself eating Indian food which, of course, is far from corned beef and cabbage. But I did give a not to the Irish & ordered something green. Well, I think it was supposed to be green. After I smashed a roach on the wall with my drink menu, I checked the cleanliness rating for the place: 80. Hmmm. Yeah. Green…Moral of the story? Don’t try to be multicultural on holidays that have a clear ethnic theme.
    *** Good lawd, a roach! At least it wasn’t in someone’s ear. So there’s that. ~Laura

  44. Meredith says:

    I wanna hang out with you and Richelle! That Wal-Mart story induces a nasty Diet Coke spew-fest all over my computer screen.
    *** Girll, you can hang with us, just be sure to have someone on speed dial for bail money. ~Laura

  45. Lisa says:

    Gosh…you all have so much fun, everywhere you go…your pup looks very dapper-Irish with his sparkly green hat.
    *** And he knows it. ~Laura

  46. Michelle says:

    You haven’t blogged since Friday. Are you okay? Did your rabies come back? Please be okay, I don’t know what I would do without my morning fix of FMFM. I hope you are just watching videos of baby otters and goats!
    *** Yes, I am fine…weekends are busy in the summer… worry about me during the week, that’s when my rabies flairs up. Ha! ~Laura

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