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I would go to the doctor more often if my health insurance, Death Panels #1071 Us, would actually pay for something. *UPDATED* | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Yesterday my right ear started hurting. Nothing severe, just a small ache. Then I started feeling a little light-headed so I took some allergy medicine and it felt better. Last night it started to become bothersome again. I started thinking about that House episode where Dr. House pulled a roach out of a guy’s ear and now I’m worried I have a bug in my ear. No, that’s not true. I’m scared to death I have a roach in it. A regular bug I could handle, a roach- not so much. I know this is crazy. I’ve had these minor earaches before and they’ve always been a spring allergy thing. But still, I’m freaked the hell out that there’s a roach in my ear. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always go to the worst-case scenario? I used to feel invincible. Now every ache or pain is either terminal or just plain gross. I’m pretty certain it started after one day I went to work, began having what I thought were gas pains, and ended up in emergency surgery where my heart stopped and then I woke up in ICU with a priest over me. I know this is just an allergy or sinus thing. But I may be wrong. It may be an ear tumor, or maybe an absorbed conjoined twin regenerating itself in there. Anything but a fucking roach.

 

Now here’s a picture of a baby goat:

 

 

Baby Goat

 

 

 

*UPDATE*

 

I left work earlier today because my ear started really hurting. I went to the doctor and was surprised to find the waiting room empty. It still took the doctor two hours to get to me and by that time I had already raided the drawers in the exam room. I kid. I kid. Hemostats, anyone? So anyway, he looks in my good ear first, then my bad and said “Good God, girl!” I gasped and started to tear up when he pulled back and said “You have a bad inner ear infection.” I said “So there’s no roach or anything in there?” He laughed and said “No roach, but I don’t know how you’re still standing.” Instantly relieved, I smiled and said “My sheer awesomness keeps me upright.” He then told me to get out of his office, but not before giving me four prescriptions. So YAY! NO ROACH! This time.

51 Comments
 

51 Responses to I would go to the doctor more often if my health insurance, Death Panels #1071 Us, would actually pay for something. *UPDATED*

  1. Michelle says:

    Bless your heart. I hope your ear feels better soon and I am quite positive you DO NOT HAVE A ROACH in your ear. “Lighten up Frances.”
    *** HA! I’ll try. ~Laura

  2. The Nickster says:

    tase yourself. you’ll feel better.
    ps – it’s not a tumor. probably just rabies.
    *** I am racked with rabies, that’s for sure. And you and that taser. You need to get one, or get tased or something. Ha! ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! You crack me up!!! The funniest thing is whenever I get an earache- the first thought that goes through my mind too “OMG is there a bug in there?!” LOL!!
    *** And it being a roach is really is a horrifying thought. ~Laura

  4. garnet says:

    LMAO! I fucking love ya to pieces! Thanks for my Friday laugh! I hope it’s not a roach. LOL!
    *** Me too, girl. ~Laura

  5. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    Your hypochondria is very entertaining for us. Please never get cured of that at least.
    *** HA! Okay, I’ll try not to just for you guys. ~Laura

  6. patti says:

    You know, people have been known to have spiders in their ears. Maybe yours is having a St Paddy’s day party…
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18523908/ns/us_news-weird_news/
    *** I can even handle a spider over a roach. ~Laura

  7. Princess says:

    Don’t worry, It’s just plain cooties. It’s that time of year…”B” got antibiotics yesterday because of her ears, Mom is having ear aches and now MY ears are starting to act up. No Bugs just cooties! Take a chill pill Lucy!You watch to many HORROR movies, I’m gonna have to cut you off and make you watch Comedies! ooooohhhhh noooooossss!
    *** Most comedies suck…I prefer horror- more like real life. Ha! ~Laura

  8. Steph says:

    It’s your sinuses.
    Let me pretend play doctor and diagnose you girl.
    Do you often get a earache w/ allergyf flares?
    Have you recently been outside alot? Maybe a ladybug. Those are at least cute and lttle.
    Possibly a marble. Have you been playing w/ marbles lately?
    Could also be a mind reading device set in place when the aliens took you from your bed one night. Have you recently lost time and have no memory of it?
    Have you recently worn a bobby pin & noticed it magically disappeared?
    But really, allergies are messing w/ your sinuses.
    Also? Now I want a baby goat.
    *** I’ve been wanting a baby goat for years now. YEARS. So, let me get this straight- you don’t think it’s an absorbed conjoined twin regenerating and seeking revenge? ~Laura

  9. Shelly says:

    HAHA! It’s not a tumah!! lol Oh, I want that goat!
    *** I want to hug it and take it home. ~Laura

  10. Steph says:

    Angry conjoined twin…hmm. that *is* a valid consideration. I must consult my medical doctor library & physicians desk reference, aka Google.
    You may need an exorcism.
    And an enema. Stat.
    I feel your pain. Actually, I don’t feel your pain cuz if I did, the MY ear would hurt and that’d suck…. um? Shit. My right ear is starting to hurt. Maybe I have this same ailment! I can totally see why our conjoined twins would be jealous of us and our awesomeness, btw.
    *** Only one thing worse than an angry conjoined twin- and that’s an absorbed angry conjoined twin. They really have something to be pissed about. ~Laura

  11. BisonBabe says:

    I think the trees are having sex and we’re allergic (I know, another blog from the other day). Maybe you have a cute little goat in your ears. After all, you keep talking about your boulbous head!! hahaha
    *** If there were a goat up there I would pull it out and stay home to play with it. ~Laura

  12. PlayinPosse says:

    No matter what it is, you have to get better by our trip tomorrow!! That way, you’ll have plenty of room for the horse rabies and the poke in the eye!!
    *** Jesus. It’s like I can’t escape being poked in the eye anymore, let alone the rabies. ~Laura

  13. Steph says:

    Bisonbabe said the trees are having sex. Hee hee. Wood.
    Get it?
    Hee hee.
    I’m cracking myself up over oak trees gettin it on.
    Wood.
    *** Hardwoods. ~Laura

  14. laughingmom says:

    Here’s the solution – buy a roach motel and sleep with it on your pillow – the roach will be attracted to the female roaches of the night that frequent the hotel and vacate your ear for a rollicking good time.
    I hear goats eat roaches…
    *** So I should sleep next to a roach whorehouse? Sounds like sound medical advice. ~Laura

  15. Tad says:

    Yes, and lest us not forget the “BUSHES” HA! Oh this could get interesting!
    *** Lawdy. ~Laura

  16. Jena says:

    Awww… Im sorry you might not have a roach in your ear… wait… what?
    Take a mucinex decongestant and either clairtin/zytrec (all generic of course). It will help. Fact. Seriously, I get allergy shots and I am a self taught dr and short of a mri, even my dr’s agree on my self diagnosis!
    Is anybody else feeling imaginary millions of tiny scritchy scratchy feel of bugs? Or is it just me? Laura? Ha!
    *** They will probably just lay eggs and leave. ~Laura

  17. Yabu says:

    I’ve got a jar of Shine that will cure you…Lord have mercy if you pour it in your ear.
    I think you might be dangerous.
    *** Probably liquify my brain. ~Laura

  18. Sherri says:

    Roaches in your ear?!?!?!EEEEWWWWWWW! I sleep with earplugs and now I have another reason to keep doing it!
    *** Yes you do. I need to start sleeping in them! ~ Laura

  19. Jena says:

    That baby goat would be happy to eat the bug once you get it out. Look how soft he looks!
    *** I loves me some baby goats. ~Laura

  20. Erik says:

    “I’m pretty certain it started after one day I went to work, began having what I thought were gas pains, and ended up in emergency surgery where my heart stopped and then I woke up in ICU with a priest over me.”
    Laura – Did this happen, or are you just joshing? If it did, I would take back every time I thought you were a hypochondriac.
    *** It most certainly did happen. They had to kick start my heart a couple of times. It’s what took away my super powers and made me a hypochondriac. ~Laura

  21. shells bells says:

    I watched one of the ER/doctor/trauma in ER shows one time and in fact they had a guy who was basically paralyzed and all he could do was scream every 30 seconds. They found a bug in HIS ear that was biting his ear drum!! So you better write a note explaining your situation now, so when you become paralyzed and can’t talk they no where to look first. Oh and if your gonna get a goat, you need to get yourself one of those fainting goats…i can see it now, your paralyzed and your goat keeps falling over fainting HAHAHAHA
    *** HAHA Wouldn’t we be a pair? HA! ~Laura

  22. Rob says:

    Might have the cure right there at home under your sink. Raid?
    *** Damn. ~Laura

  23. Cute baby goat! True story..my BFF in HS used to have a baby goat they let live in the house. Her name was Tootie (the goat’s not my friend’s name). We used to go over and watch the goat climb the furniture. After the goat got too big she was excommunicated to the barn with an old couch as her bed. When we graduated HS and moved into our first apartment we took that same couch with us to use in our apartment.
    What!?! We steam cleaned it first!
    *** HAHA! The Goat Couch. ~Laura

  24. Jeffro says:

    Spray a big can ‘o Raid down your ear. You can dig the roach out later with a corkscrew.
    I’m all about industrial strength solutions.
    *** You should be a doctor. Or an exterminator. ~Laura

  25. Elphaba says:

    One can never be too careful. My daughter is a hypochondriac also, and we’ve taken to calling every little ache and pain she has “Rabies”, in honor of YOU. But sometimes Rabies does turn out to be something worse, like the Bubonic Plague, so you can never be too careful.
    Take care of yourself.
    On another note, I am curious: have you ever kept a real goat, baby or otherwise? My mom had pygmy goats for a while, and I am here to tell you that they are a pain in the frickin’ ass. They look absolutely adorable as they attempt to eat everything in sight, including the antenna off of your car. She ended up giving them away to a nice Mexican family, where I’m pretty sure they ended up on a spit in the back yard. Fiesta!
    *** I had a goat when I was a teenager on the farm. It was a big angry goat, so I didn’t hug it much. Ha! ~Laura

  26. zonker says:

    Oh, will you relax?! It’s probably just a centipede.
    ***OH HELL! ~Laura

  27. Kim says:

    Firstly, hub’s uncle really did have a roach in his ear once. Here’s how you get rid of it. Shine a flashlight in your ear and it will leave. I’m not kidding.
    Now, you don’t have a roach in your ear but WTF on the jumpstarting the heart and all!?!?!?!?
    You need to sit down and think goaty thoughts and be careful.
    *** Ha! Show ‘em the light eh? Sounds like my emergency surgery! ~Laura

  28. Curtal Friar says:

    Your story kinda reminds me of the segment from Creepshow, the one where the tenant is freaked out about bugs, especially roaches, and at the end, you see his body lying there, and then all the roaches come pouring out of his mouth.
    That said, I hope your ear turns out okay, nothing wrong except some seasonal crap. No roaches for you. Especially no roaches with fertile eggs that are getting ready to hatch.
    *** Thanks for that memory though. HA! ~Laura

  29. Jan says:

    Baby otters make baby goats better!
    http://cheezdailysquee.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/0f0c451d-92b5-4242-ac30-e05eb3726973.jpg
    Ear rabies sucks. I don’t get that very often, but when I do it’s always because of my never ending sinus rabies.
    *** I had that pic up before and I could kiss both of their little heads. Probably get my face ripped off by that otter though. Ha! ~Laura

  30. Liz says:

    Obviously, the real problem is that your brain is so large with wisdom, it is trying to escape. The only safe route is your ear! Hope the doctor poked it back in there!! :-)
    *** Oh, I like you and the way you think. ~Laura

  31. Dude, I feel your pain. I’ve been fighting an inner ear infection for weeks. The z-pack didn’t help. I finally came down with full-blown flu rabies yesterday and the good news is that my ear finally quit roaring. WTF with the Low Country? Everyone here has ENT problems. Must be the mold and mildew in everyone’s ears.
    *** I KNOW! Everyone I know has sinus and ear problems now! Must be all that oak and pine pollen along with the mold and mildew. I hope you’re feeling better. ~Laura

  32. Jena says:

    4?! Are you contagious? LOL
    pro’ly oral and ear antibiotics. steroid and decongestant.
    *** That’s them, and no, not contagious. ~Laura

  33. Kim says:

    I believe carbs have healing powers. You may need to break down and have cake. You know….for medicinal purposes only.
    *** Gurlllll, when I was in the pharmacy I saw a pack of chips and thought they were calling my name. I ignored them though. ~Laura

  34. Larry says:

    So the doc can find an ear infection but can’t find the rabies?
    Maybe the medicine you are taking for the ear will send the rabies into remission as well. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, that’s what my Chief used to tell me.
    *** Your Chief was wise. ~laura

  35. rdennis says:

    Eat more snoose and drink more whiskey and eat lots and lots of beef. That is my cure all! I NEVER get ear infections!
    *** Ha! ~Laura

  36. AmyLynn says:

    I SAW THAT HOUSE EPISODE
    and it was very freaky. That monotone noise he kept emitting sounded like he had been taken over by aliens or was emmitting the warning noise for the emergency weather alert.
    SO happy it was an infection.
    no wait.
    I am NOT happy you have an infection, just happy it wasn’t a roach.
    BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEp
    that is all
    *** Thank you. I am too. ~Laura

  37. Holly says:

    I used to feel invincible. Now every ache or pain is either terminal or just plain gross.
    I am just the same, in my case it took my road accident to remind me I’m mortal, pain is ouchie and that I can’t just “refuse” to die when the time comes.
    Your poor heavily infected ear though :( glad you have drugs to make it all better!
    *** Thank you. Yeah, nothing like a brush with death to freak you out about every ache. ~Laura

  38. WPDunn says:

    what if it was like, a BABY GOAT in your EAR!!!!
    *** Well, first I would get it removed and take it home with me, then I would quit my job so I could do talk shows and stuff. ~Laura

  39. One Crazed Chick says:

    So, does that mean tomorrow is still on or off? We oughta be a lovely pair with our sick self. Too bad we can’t give it them bitches we work with. This stuff always happens on weekends.
    *** I’m fine. My ear is just wonky. But now it’ll be on the mend, so we’re on as far as I’m concerned! ~Laura

  40. Nancy in Iowa says:

    Have you been watching a Star Trek marathon? Your doctor is wrong – it’s really the earwig thingy that Kahn put in Chekhov’s ear in ST II, The Wrath of Kahn. You now have the thingy crawling around in your brain! I’m so sorry, Laura.
    *** Aren’t you a chipper messenger of death?! ~Laura

  41. Nancy in Iowa says:

    Actually, Laura, I have the same problem. The thingie is still tunneling in my brain; that’s why I misspelled Khan’s name.
    *** HA! ~Laura

  42. Suzanne says:

    OK, it is clear that you *require* a service animal to assist you with your disability. I recommend that you consider a goat.
    The woman in this story has hearing loss (note the parallel), and uses the goat to warn her of sudden noises: http://blog.seattlepi.com/deltasociety/2009/03/24/a-service-goat-service-bird/
    You, of course, could train your goat to meet your specific needs.
    Surely J cannot deny you this….
    *** HA! but I bet he does! ~Laura

  43. The Other Crazed Chick says:

    I’m am absolutely sure that a good dose of antibiotics and all you can eat crabs legs is the answer.. Yep! I’m positive. Pleeezzz get better. I want you to have fun tomorrow!
    *** I’ll be fine, I’m sure. ~Laura

  44. Dear Sweet Mama says:

    I watched The wrath of Khan today – except for the ear part cause I can’t stand that and changed the channel because I aleady had a headache and knew that I would then have earwigs in my head. Urgh.
    *** I’m glad I missed it too. ~Laura

  45. Nicole says:

    Glad things were not roachy. :)
    *** Me too! ~Laura

  46. The Nickster says:

    sounds like the taser killed the roach but left some collateral damage. shit happens.
    *** It sure does. ~Laura

  47. CGHill says:

    Your health provider sounds like mine (CFI Care).
    *** Oh, mine is so horrible, I’m just one step up from being uninsured. ~Laura

  48. Michelle says:

    Glad you got some prescriptions and that your ear did not have a roach in it. See, I told you so. It is always nice to get some affirmation. Hope you are better soon and glad you went to the doctor!
    *** Thank you, girl. ~Laura

  49. mel says:

    Man those ear infections can really mess you a girl. I hope you’re feeling better.
    *** I am, thank you. ~Laura

  50. Angie Martinez says:

    I’m glad you do NOT have a roach or any other insect/bug in your ear. With it being an infection, the antibiotics should start making you feel better within a day. I love the way you feel like you wish you could just die and then take one days worth of antibiotics and suddenly everything starts feeling better. Of course I always make my Dr. give me the Z-pack, which is a total of six pills….take two the first day than one for the next four. Why take fifty bajillion little pills over TEN days when you can be done with it in five? Crazy ass doctors just like to fuck with you and make it even longer before you can have alcohol. Bastages. Seriously though, glad to know you’ll be feeling better soon!
    *** Thanks. Being sick definitely sucks. ~Laura

  51. Read this and thought of that Star Trek right away. Chekov would have eaten the goat, though, so you’re much nicer, even when you’re infected.
    *** NO! Not the goat! ~Laura

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